my 4th day on leave. my 3rd day here at my parent's semi-grand house.
everybody's all preparing for the big event on wednesday. the long awaited house blessing is finally going to happen. keith and i decided to clean the house and rearrange the furniture. the house badly needed it. since my parents are into hog-raising, they no longer can't be bothered to clean up the place. besides, with 4 kids running around... why bother?
my mother seems to like keith enough. she likes him enough to talk about weddings. and for some reason, keith is only too happy to oblige her. we were folding clothes on the second floor sitting area when she went up and asked if we have enough time to pull this event off. keith assured her that there is enough time to get everything done. my mom, out of the blue, said to me in a tearful voice:" i am happy to see you and keith. i know that if you settle down with him, you will be in good hands. "
oh mom! i just so love you... and you just have no idea how good keith's hands are.*wink*
home sweet home
after a long and winding trip, we finally docked in bacolod. our arrival was a few hours delayed due to a storm and my sister drove me nuts. i wonder if there ever will be a time when we stop rubbing each other the wrong way. *sigh*
to cut a long story short, we got to my mom and dad's little farm. i wish i could also have cut the trip short the same way i did in the re-telling of my great adventure, but sadly, keith and i had to endure 4 hours of travel on smooth, rocky, semi-rocky roads of negros occidental. i was surprised at how big my mom's house was. it used to be a small, humble nipa hut. it is now a 3 bedroom, 2-storey concrete abode. i was also taken aback at how big my nieces and nephews have grown. the youngest, jordan, has gone from chubby to fat. i have a bad feeling the kid is overweight but there is simply nothing my mom could do about that. jordan throws a fit each time they tell him to lessen his food intake. elleine and jessamyn are turning to be 2 pretty sisters. they both have grown tall. jessamyn is almost as tall as i am. and she is only an incoming 6th grader! carlo, i am happy to note, has become more behaved and responsible. oh my darling little babies! they are all growing so fast...
my mom has gotten thin. the same goes for dad. they have aged a lot since the last time i saw them. well, with my sister living with them that is no surprise. but i sensed that despite the day-to-day problems and obstacles, they are happy. when all is said and done, the have the peace of mind here that they do not have in our place in manila. my grandfather, mom's dad, is still strong and goes about his daily routine without missing a beat. he is now 87 and counting...
i took in a deep breath of the sweet-smelling air. it feels great to be home.
to cut a long story short, we got to my mom and dad's little farm. i wish i could also have cut the trip short the same way i did in the re-telling of my great adventure, but sadly, keith and i had to endure 4 hours of travel on smooth, rocky, semi-rocky roads of negros occidental. i was surprised at how big my mom's house was. it used to be a small, humble nipa hut. it is now a 3 bedroom, 2-storey concrete abode. i was also taken aback at how big my nieces and nephews have grown. the youngest, jordan, has gone from chubby to fat. i have a bad feeling the kid is overweight but there is simply nothing my mom could do about that. jordan throws a fit each time they tell him to lessen his food intake. elleine and jessamyn are turning to be 2 pretty sisters. they both have grown tall. jessamyn is almost as tall as i am. and she is only an incoming 6th grader! carlo, i am happy to note, has become more behaved and responsible. oh my darling little babies! they are all growing so fast...
my mom has gotten thin. the same goes for dad. they have aged a lot since the last time i saw them. well, with my sister living with them that is no surprise. but i sensed that despite the day-to-day problems and obstacles, they are happy. when all is said and done, the have the peace of mind here that they do not have in our place in manila. my grandfather, mom's dad, is still strong and goes about his daily routine without missing a beat. he is now 87 and counting...
i took in a deep breath of the sweet-smelling air. it feels great to be home.
sailing away
day two of my so-called vacation leave and i am still soooooooo stressed out. i already had a facial, shopped, and saw Van Helsing with keith last night. but still, i am all tense and jittery. i am thinking of just calling the whole thing off and stay at home for the whole week or so.
i got out of the office early morning yesterday and immediately went hunting for the stuff my mom told me to bring. i was so tired running around, getting this and that for my family that i promptly fell asleep when i got home at noon. keith then came over and we went to the mall. i had my much-needed facial(my face was plain breaking out!!). then we saw the special effects-ridden movie Van Helsing. it was good, yeah. but forgettable. i was entertained. uh-huh. but there is this hole in the plot and too many fantastic scenes that without a doubt, van helsing existed only in a person's imagination.
so we went home after the late movie. i checked and made sure i had everything i need for the trip. We left for the pier at 7am in the morning. i went all over the house, making sure everything is unplugged. i made sure the door is locked twice. talk about paranoia. we got to the pier and sat for about an hour and a half when the ship started boarding. there was chaos all around us. people got up and all headed towards the boarding area as if the ship is going to sail away without them. the man seated behind us got up and bent over to get his suitcase. keith and i could hardly care but man was wearing this huge knapsack on his back. he hit keith on the head when he bent over to get his suitcase. keith let out a loud expletive and turned to give the guy a good glare. this cracked me up. while the two of them were busy thinking about having a fight there and then, i was laughing my head off.
this trip may prove to be the most tressful i have ever had, but it sure is gonna be one hell of a ride...
i got out of the office early morning yesterday and immediately went hunting for the stuff my mom told me to bring. i was so tired running around, getting this and that for my family that i promptly fell asleep when i got home at noon. keith then came over and we went to the mall. i had my much-needed facial(my face was plain breaking out!!). then we saw the special effects-ridden movie Van Helsing. it was good, yeah. but forgettable. i was entertained. uh-huh. but there is this hole in the plot and too many fantastic scenes that without a doubt, van helsing existed only in a person's imagination.
so we went home after the late movie. i checked and made sure i had everything i need for the trip. We left for the pier at 7am in the morning. i went all over the house, making sure everything is unplugged. i made sure the door is locked twice. talk about paranoia. we got to the pier and sat for about an hour and a half when the ship started boarding. there was chaos all around us. people got up and all headed towards the boarding area as if the ship is going to sail away without them. the man seated behind us got up and bent over to get his suitcase. keith and i could hardly care but man was wearing this huge knapsack on his back. he hit keith on the head when he bent over to get his suitcase. keith let out a loud expletive and turned to give the guy a good glare. this cracked me up. while the two of them were busy thinking about having a fight there and then, i was laughing my head off.
this trip may prove to be the most tressful i have ever had, but it sure is gonna be one hell of a ride...
the miracle i was hoping for came. my vacation leave was approved.
now i feel so rotten because i've been a very bad girl. well... maybe not that bad. i suppose bad habits really do die hard. i've been late 5 times for the last 2 and a half weeks which warrants a memo as per company policy. and i am getting a memo. if not now, then soon. i guess, this is a little wake up call for me. i'm going downhill in my attendance again and that is not the way to go. i have big plans for myself this year and getting a memo anytime soon is a big disappointment for me. but i have no one to blame but my lazy ass. so there!
i was screaming mad at keith a few hours ago. i might have been a little cruel to him, after all, he is still suffering from the blow of not making it to the board passer's list but i am just so irritated with his indecisiveness. he can't give me a straight answer each time i ask him if he'll be coming with me to bacolod to see my family or not. he has a couple of job prospects lined up right now. This is very good for him because between now and the next board exam in november, he wants to make some moolah to support himself. there's nothing wrong with that really but we had this trip planned months ago. i feel like he wants to back out but just can't tell me how. well i just wish he would tell it to me straight. i am buying the tickets tomorrow and i find it a complete waste of time to buy tickets for him and request for it to be refunded later on when he is unable to go because he's got a job already. i just wish to god he would make up his mind and end my misery. i do hope he goes with me but if he can't there's nothing i can do about it. i'll just go as i planned early this year and try not to be miserable during my entire vacation.
so my miracle did come. i do hope god will send me another one real soon.
now i feel so rotten because i've been a very bad girl. well... maybe not that bad. i suppose bad habits really do die hard. i've been late 5 times for the last 2 and a half weeks which warrants a memo as per company policy. and i am getting a memo. if not now, then soon. i guess, this is a little wake up call for me. i'm going downhill in my attendance again and that is not the way to go. i have big plans for myself this year and getting a memo anytime soon is a big disappointment for me. but i have no one to blame but my lazy ass. so there!
i was screaming mad at keith a few hours ago. i might have been a little cruel to him, after all, he is still suffering from the blow of not making it to the board passer's list but i am just so irritated with his indecisiveness. he can't give me a straight answer each time i ask him if he'll be coming with me to bacolod to see my family or not. he has a couple of job prospects lined up right now. This is very good for him because between now and the next board exam in november, he wants to make some moolah to support himself. there's nothing wrong with that really but we had this trip planned months ago. i feel like he wants to back out but just can't tell me how. well i just wish he would tell it to me straight. i am buying the tickets tomorrow and i find it a complete waste of time to buy tickets for him and request for it to be refunded later on when he is unable to go because he's got a job already. i just wish to god he would make up his mind and end my misery. i do hope he goes with me but if he can't there's nothing i can do about it. i'll just go as i planned early this year and try not to be miserable during my entire vacation.
so my miracle did come. i do hope god will send me another one real soon.
i went to the bank yesterday to encash a check. the bank required 3 IDs and i only had two on me when i got there so i went back to my place. i went upstairs, took out my big envelope of "important stuff" and rummaged for my new NBI clearance. i found it... right next to nhell's picture.
i took out the picture and stared at nhell's face long and hard. just like before, each time i came across something that reminded me of him - a picture, a place, a song - a thousand what if's and what could have been's floated thru my head. we could have made it. we could have worked it out. he's a good guy... he really is. he sings real well too. he's also one hell of a great kisser. yeah. no doubt about it. i'm no kiss and tell but i just have to say, this guy's real good at locking lips with a girl. he made me want him real bad.
but keith, although not as good as nhell in the smooching department, far exceeds him in making someone want something. the first time we ever kissed, i not only wanted keith real bad... keith made me want him with me for life.
having come to that conclusion, i sighed. i tore up all of nhell's photos into little bits and threw them in the trash can. no more reminiscing. no more thinking of what might have been and what could have been. my sould has found what it was looking for.
i took out the picture and stared at nhell's face long and hard. just like before, each time i came across something that reminded me of him - a picture, a place, a song - a thousand what if's and what could have been's floated thru my head. we could have made it. we could have worked it out. he's a good guy... he really is. he sings real well too. he's also one hell of a great kisser. yeah. no doubt about it. i'm no kiss and tell but i just have to say, this guy's real good at locking lips with a girl. he made me want him real bad.
but keith, although not as good as nhell in the smooching department, far exceeds him in making someone want something. the first time we ever kissed, i not only wanted keith real bad... keith made me want him with me for life.
having come to that conclusion, i sighed. i tore up all of nhell's photos into little bits and threw them in the trash can. no more reminiscing. no more thinking of what might have been and what could have been. my sould has found what it was looking for.
so it's like this...
you applied your vacation leave 3 months before you take off to the province to see your mom who you haven't seen for four years. you got a fairly good raise in your pay and your salary loan was recently approved. so you have all the moolah saved up for the trip and you're ready to buy your tickets and all. your sked's all set up for the coming month. everything's been set up real nice and all you're waiting for is approval from the big bosses.
then you accumulate more than the allowed number of lates per month. you either will get a verbal warning, a memo, or a lot worse than that... your leave will not be approved after all.
well... shit happens.
i've always believed that little miracles happen everyday. i am keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that a miracle will come my way soon.
you applied your vacation leave 3 months before you take off to the province to see your mom who you haven't seen for four years. you got a fairly good raise in your pay and your salary loan was recently approved. so you have all the moolah saved up for the trip and you're ready to buy your tickets and all. your sked's all set up for the coming month. everything's been set up real nice and all you're waiting for is approval from the big bosses.
then you accumulate more than the allowed number of lates per month. you either will get a verbal warning, a memo, or a lot worse than that... your leave will not be approved after all.
well... shit happens.
i've always believed that little miracles happen everyday. i am keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that a miracle will come my way soon.
keith is going to start his 2-day engineering licensure exams tomorrow. i feel more anxious and nervous than he is. i kept asking him during the weekend if he's feeling nervous or excited. he just shrugged each time and said he can't wait to get it all over with. he pored over 5 years worth of notes and lectures for the past 6 months in preparation for this major event. and now he can't wait to go thru it all and "empty his memory bin" as he would like to put it.
i can't wait for the exams to be over. i can't wait to see the results. i don't think i'll be able to truly relax until i see keith's name on the board passer's list. argghhh!!!
i can't wait for the exams to be over. i can't wait to see the results. i don't think i'll be able to truly relax until i see keith's name on the board passer's list. argghhh!!!
today is good friday.
and some dumb guy walking in my opposite direction just tried to grab my breasts while i was hurrying down the street towards my office. luckily, i was not walking fast enough not to notice his hand coming up and going for my boobies. i slapped the jerk's hand away and walked as fast as i could. the guy went on walking as well and when i looked back i saw him leering at me. i wanted to give him the good ol' dirty finger but as we were the only two people on the street, my common sense took over.
i was so shook up and startled i almost cried. but being the sane, mature young woman that in am, aside from a minute or two away from getting late for work, i fought the tears. i got into the office in time, i called keith to tell him i'm all ok, logged in and took calls.
life goes on...
and some dumb guy walking in my opposite direction just tried to grab my breasts while i was hurrying down the street towards my office. luckily, i was not walking fast enough not to notice his hand coming up and going for my boobies. i slapped the jerk's hand away and walked as fast as i could. the guy went on walking as well and when i looked back i saw him leering at me. i wanted to give him the good ol' dirty finger but as we were the only two people on the street, my common sense took over.
i was so shook up and startled i almost cried. but being the sane, mature young woman that in am, aside from a minute or two away from getting late for work, i fought the tears. i got into the office in time, i called keith to tell him i'm all ok, logged in and took calls.
life goes on...
1yr.9mos.
keith gave me a card with the following message:
"the generous, loving things you say and do are so much a part of you that sometimes i neglect to point out how much i appreciate each and every one. but i do.
you'd probably be amazed to realize all the things i notice. like the energy you put into keeping all the everyday things running smoothly. the "no big deal" way you take things in stride when something unexpected comes up, and the upbeat way you approach whatever it is that each day brings us.
and you still find time to let me know how much i'm loved.
you do all these things so naturally that i've come to count on them. and although they are familiar to me, they will never be taken for granted. i'm one lucky soul. and i won't let me forget it. today, i want you to see it spelled out and make sure you know it, too."
on the blank side of the card he wrote:
"took me a long time choosing the perfect card i want to give you. and this is it. got nothing more to say. it said it all!!! that's what i thought. it still left me something to say which i'm sure you know what that is. ^_^ "
*sigh* why do i even wonder why i love him?!? *sigh*
"the generous, loving things you say and do are so much a part of you that sometimes i neglect to point out how much i appreciate each and every one. but i do.
you'd probably be amazed to realize all the things i notice. like the energy you put into keeping all the everyday things running smoothly. the "no big deal" way you take things in stride when something unexpected comes up, and the upbeat way you approach whatever it is that each day brings us.
and you still find time to let me know how much i'm loved.
you do all these things so naturally that i've come to count on them. and although they are familiar to me, they will never be taken for granted. i'm one lucky soul. and i won't let me forget it. today, i want you to see it spelled out and make sure you know it, too."
on the blank side of the card he wrote:
"took me a long time choosing the perfect card i want to give you. and this is it. got nothing more to say. it said it all!!! that's what i thought. it still left me something to say which i'm sure you know what that is. ^_^ "
*sigh* why do i even wonder why i love him?!? *sigh*
fresh start
our office moved to a new building this week. i think it's all for the better. the workstations are bigger and amenities such as restrooms and pantries are all accessble from within our work area. we are using new computers as well and the internet connection couldn't be more faster. we have to go 44 floors down though to smoke. yep. it's an ear deafening slow descend from where we're located. it's all compensated by the wonderful view of a large chunk of manila though. not bad, really. not bad at all.
this transition to a better working environment has somewhat taken me up from my sudden fall into melanchloy. i remember saying to keith sometime last week that i will try to be more selfish than i normally am. i know that sounds absolutely rotten but everyone who truly knows me is aware of the fact that i am a true-blue hedonist. i only want to "live, love and eat" as famous chef wolfgang puck would say. starting today, i refuse to think of anyone or anything else but myself. i would only think about me, me, me. i refuse to worry about my close friends who couldn't be more farther away from me than they are now. i no longer want to be bothered by my mother's problems or my sister's frustrations and issues. i love them and sympathize with them and i would help them if i could. but since i am miles away from them, there really isn't much help i could offer other than a sympathetic ear and a few pieces of advice. i have finally realized that no matter how much i worry over my parents' or my friends' problems, it doesn't change the fact that i am not the person who would be able to resolve their issues.
i feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. i finally have a reason to smile...
this transition to a better working environment has somewhat taken me up from my sudden fall into melanchloy. i remember saying to keith sometime last week that i will try to be more selfish than i normally am. i know that sounds absolutely rotten but everyone who truly knows me is aware of the fact that i am a true-blue hedonist. i only want to "live, love and eat" as famous chef wolfgang puck would say. starting today, i refuse to think of anyone or anything else but myself. i would only think about me, me, me. i refuse to worry about my close friends who couldn't be more farther away from me than they are now. i no longer want to be bothered by my mother's problems or my sister's frustrations and issues. i love them and sympathize with them and i would help them if i could. but since i am miles away from them, there really isn't much help i could offer other than a sympathetic ear and a few pieces of advice. i have finally realized that no matter how much i worry over my parents' or my friends' problems, it doesn't change the fact that i am not the person who would be able to resolve their issues.
i feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. i finally have a reason to smile...
i visited my friend's blog today and found out she spent the weekend at boracay. i felt happy then bitchy then sad. all in the minute or 2 that it took me to finish reading her most current posts.
i'm happy that she is getting out more often. she seems to be doing well. i'm glad that she is beginning to live and enjoy life. god knows she how hard the past years had been for her. it's time that she experience the good life and i'm trult happy for her. but i can't help but feel cheated and sad. i guess it's bacause i've always thought that we'll be going to fabulous places together. me, her, and another close friend that we have. i have always been invited to go to all sorts of beaches and hang outs by my office friends but i would always decline. i didn't want to go to some beach and be with them, all the while wishing i was with my best friends instead. i always told i'll be going to all these beaches and bars and discos with 2 of the most important people in my life. so it was ok if i missed it. in the end, it was not meant to be. oh well. *sigh*
i know it's wrong for me to bitch about her going to a beatiful place and having fun. none of this is her fault. she didn't tell me to miss out on all those company gimmicks. it was wrong for me to expect anything. in all my wisdom, i failed to remember that things don't happen the way we want them to. i'll keep that in my mind from now on.
i'm happy that she is getting out more often. she seems to be doing well. i'm glad that she is beginning to live and enjoy life. god knows she how hard the past years had been for her. it's time that she experience the good life and i'm trult happy for her. but i can't help but feel cheated and sad. i guess it's bacause i've always thought that we'll be going to fabulous places together. me, her, and another close friend that we have. i have always been invited to go to all sorts of beaches and hang outs by my office friends but i would always decline. i didn't want to go to some beach and be with them, all the while wishing i was with my best friends instead. i always told i'll be going to all these beaches and bars and discos with 2 of the most important people in my life. so it was ok if i missed it. in the end, it was not meant to be. oh well. *sigh*
i know it's wrong for me to bitch about her going to a beatiful place and having fun. none of this is her fault. she didn't tell me to miss out on all those company gimmicks. it was wrong for me to expect anything. in all my wisdom, i failed to remember that things don't happen the way we want them to. i'll keep that in my mind from now on.
i am glad that i am alive and breathing, with no part of my face or body scarred or hurt. i am happy to have spent two nights in keith's arms and three whole days in his company. i am relieved that my house has not been ravaged by the fire that recently hit our neighborhood. i am happy that my sss loan was approved. i am touched that keith's aunt was kind enough to take me in on their small flat while i am waiting for electricity to return on our neighborhood. i have been blessed yet i can't find any reason for me to smile today. none at all.
i want to lie down and rest. i want to close my eyes and sleep my cares away. i want to take off my armor and show everybody that i'm only human after all. i am as vulnerable and weak as the next person is. i am tired of keeping up my facade of strength and self-sufficiency. i want to cry. i want to weep until my eyes dry up and i can't shed any more tears. i want to cry and cry and cry until all my tears have washed away the emptiness and longing in my heart...and maybe then i would find a reason to smile again.
i want to lie down and rest. i want to close my eyes and sleep my cares away. i want to take off my armor and show everybody that i'm only human after all. i am as vulnerable and weak as the next person is. i am tired of keeping up my facade of strength and self-sufficiency. i want to cry. i want to weep until my eyes dry up and i can't shed any more tears. i want to cry and cry and cry until all my tears have washed away the emptiness and longing in my heart...and maybe then i would find a reason to smile again.
big girls don't cry.
i repeatedly told this to myself as i walked from one hospital lab to the other. breathe in... breathe out... don't worry ice. you're a big girl. you can do this. the pain will go away. inhale... exhale... this i said to myself while being prodded and poked by my ob-gyne. i didn't know how hard my knees were shaking until i got off the bed and walked outside of my doctor's office. thankfully, i was able to find myself an empty bench in a quiet corner next to my doctor's room. inhale...exhale...everything's going to be all right. there's nothing to worry about... you'll be fine... i assured myself as i waited for the results of my lab exam. finally, i was told i could go home and rest. my doctor will be seeing me again sometime next week to discuss my medication.
i lit up a cigarette as soon as i got out of the hospital. i just hate hospitals and clinics. I hate it as much as I hate airports. Maybe a lot more. There's a chance you could get reunited with a love one on an airport somewhere. On a hospital, they're usually bound to never come back. Death is silent, sudden, and final. I hate to be reminded of my mortality. Ihate visist to doctors and dentists as well. I hate having to be at the mercy and expertise of someone whose life expectancy could probably be a lot lower than mine. I hate how hospitals smell. And i most especially hate going there alone.
i barely was able to finish my cigarette. I was wrong to think that smoking would calm me and take my mind off the nagging pain in my abdomen. not even having lunch with keith shortly afterwards helped to alleviate the pain. i was happy to be with him again but that happiness bordered more on relief. i have someone to spend the day with for a change. it was then that i realized my abdomen was no longer hurting that much. there is still that insistent pain, but it was far from physical. i realized that my heart was hurting as well... it has been hurting all along...
i repeatedly told this to myself as i walked from one hospital lab to the other. breathe in... breathe out... don't worry ice. you're a big girl. you can do this. the pain will go away. inhale... exhale... this i said to myself while being prodded and poked by my ob-gyne. i didn't know how hard my knees were shaking until i got off the bed and walked outside of my doctor's office. thankfully, i was able to find myself an empty bench in a quiet corner next to my doctor's room. inhale...exhale...everything's going to be all right. there's nothing to worry about... you'll be fine... i assured myself as i waited for the results of my lab exam. finally, i was told i could go home and rest. my doctor will be seeing me again sometime next week to discuss my medication.
i lit up a cigarette as soon as i got out of the hospital. i just hate hospitals and clinics. I hate it as much as I hate airports. Maybe a lot more. There's a chance you could get reunited with a love one on an airport somewhere. On a hospital, they're usually bound to never come back. Death is silent, sudden, and final. I hate to be reminded of my mortality. Ihate visist to doctors and dentists as well. I hate having to be at the mercy and expertise of someone whose life expectancy could probably be a lot lower than mine. I hate how hospitals smell. And i most especially hate going there alone.
i barely was able to finish my cigarette. I was wrong to think that smoking would calm me and take my mind off the nagging pain in my abdomen. not even having lunch with keith shortly afterwards helped to alleviate the pain. i was happy to be with him again but that happiness bordered more on relief. i have someone to spend the day with for a change. it was then that i realized my abdomen was no longer hurting that much. there is still that insistent pain, but it was far from physical. i realized that my heart was hurting as well... it has been hurting all along...
living alone is not all that it's cut out to be. i know i've mentioned this once or twice now in my blog. i guess, despite having lived all by myself for a couple of years now, i haven't really gotten the hang of it yet. although i appreciate having some time for myself and the freedom to do as i please, i crave companionship more than ever. there are times when i dread going home because i know only a silent house will be welcoming me. i almost want to cry when monday comes in because it means i would be back to my empty house. i will once again be entombed in silence. weekdays would always drag by, till it's weekend again and keith will finally be coming over to visit me. then, i feel i am alive again. i am once again part of humanity.
time and again, it has been proven that we will miss that one thing only if it is no longer with us. all i ever wanted when i was still sharing the house with my parents and my sister's brood was to get away from it all. i wanted some peace and quiet. i wanted to hear myself think for a change and not listen to my 4 year old nephew's tearful scream. so i would always be out of the house. hanging out in bars or in coffeeshops, trying to hear the piece of me i am losing connection with. then my parents had to move out and stay in bacolod. permanently. shortly after, my sister and her brood followed suit. now i am all alone. i finally have the peace and quiet i have been asking for the longest time. i could hear myself think and i have found that piece of me i seem to have lost with all that noise. i relished the silence for the longest time.
until the silence slowly became deafening. i woke up to an empty house one day and realized that silence is all i seem to have now. i find myself wanting to hang out someplace, like the malls or the parks, where there are lots of people. suddenly, i wanted to be surrounded with noise and chaos. i wanted to hear laughter and see kids running around and people talking with each other. when i am at keith's, i am reminded of how much i miss my family, something i thought was never going to happen. but i miss them. i really do.
so i got what i wanted but somehow, amazingly, i crave for that which i was only too happy to give up before.
time and again, it has been proven that we will miss that one thing only if it is no longer with us. all i ever wanted when i was still sharing the house with my parents and my sister's brood was to get away from it all. i wanted some peace and quiet. i wanted to hear myself think for a change and not listen to my 4 year old nephew's tearful scream. so i would always be out of the house. hanging out in bars or in coffeeshops, trying to hear the piece of me i am losing connection with. then my parents had to move out and stay in bacolod. permanently. shortly after, my sister and her brood followed suit. now i am all alone. i finally have the peace and quiet i have been asking for the longest time. i could hear myself think and i have found that piece of me i seem to have lost with all that noise. i relished the silence for the longest time.
until the silence slowly became deafening. i woke up to an empty house one day and realized that silence is all i seem to have now. i find myself wanting to hang out someplace, like the malls or the parks, where there are lots of people. suddenly, i wanted to be surrounded with noise and chaos. i wanted to hear laughter and see kids running around and people talking with each other. when i am at keith's, i am reminded of how much i miss my family, something i thought was never going to happen. but i miss them. i really do.
so i got what i wanted but somehow, amazingly, i crave for that which i was only too happy to give up before.
no white flag
for eliza... happy birthday. this is for you and claire as well. ten years of friendship and counting. it's too late for me to give up on a relationship that has sustained me thru most of life's hardships. cheers on your 24th birthday!
and for keith. i will never give up on you and our love.
WHITE FLAG
-Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet which I'm sure we will
All I was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
i won't ever put my hands up in surrender. "there will be no white flag above my door." i love you guys... and i always will.
and for keith. i will never give up on you and our love.
WHITE FLAG
-Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet which I'm sure we will
All I was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
i won't ever put my hands up in surrender. "there will be no white flag above my door." i love you guys... and i always will.
no more weekends with keith
keith told me that he needs to focus on his coming board exam in april. he is not contented with the way his review classes and virtual exams are going. hence, no more weekends for the two of us.
i wouldn't hear none of it at first. i mean, we only see each other and spend time together on the weekends. and now, we won't have that. what am i gonna do on weekends?!
well, i could always go out with my friends. i could dance the night away and drink myself to a stupor. i could also spend the whole day lounging in the mall, probably watch a movie or two. i could also shop. this is probably some teener's dream weekend. it used to be my dream too but not anymore. i've outgrown wild parties, late night outs, and mall-hopping.
i have the money to do all these and more. but it's not what i want. i want to be with keith. i want keith. *sob!*
i wouldn't hear none of it at first. i mean, we only see each other and spend time together on the weekends. and now, we won't have that. what am i gonna do on weekends?!
well, i could always go out with my friends. i could dance the night away and drink myself to a stupor. i could also spend the whole day lounging in the mall, probably watch a movie or two. i could also shop. this is probably some teener's dream weekend. it used to be my dream too but not anymore. i've outgrown wild parties, late night outs, and mall-hopping.
i have the money to do all these and more. but it's not what i want. i want to be with keith. i want keith. *sob!*
november
this is what people born in november are like according to the spam mail i got today:
Has a lot of ideas.(uhm.. yah, i think this is why i have a blog!) Difficult to fathom.(not really.i'm easy to figure out. if you're smart enough... eheheeheh.)Thinks forward.(like thinking about the future?nah...i don't think about something that's about to happen.i think about what i need to deal with now.) Unique and brilliant.(yes!definitely!heheheeh...) Extraordinary ideas.(haven't invented anything yet. we'll see.) Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance.(i'm not into any psychic crap...) Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets.(this is a trait that i sure have. it irks most of my friends especially keith.heheheeh...) Always thinking. (aren't all people?)Less talkative but amiable.(this depends on the people i'm with...) Brave and generous. Patient.(i am... up to a certain point...) Stubborn and hard-hearted.(i can be...if i want to...) If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises.(this is so NOT true...) High-spirited. Well-built and tough. (i am WELL-built and although i could be tough, on certain occasions, i could be soft...just ask keith...*wink*) Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. (if this means pretty, well, that's why they call me diosa around this parts...) Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.(i am able to. if i put my mind to it...) Unpredictable.
Has a lot of ideas.(uhm.. yah, i think this is why i have a blog!) Difficult to fathom.(not really.i'm easy to figure out. if you're smart enough... eheheeheh.)Thinks forward.(like thinking about the future?nah...i don't think about something that's about to happen.i think about what i need to deal with now.) Unique and brilliant.(yes!definitely!heheheeh...) Extraordinary ideas.(haven't invented anything yet. we'll see.) Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance.(i'm not into any psychic crap...) Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets.(this is a trait that i sure have. it irks most of my friends especially keith.heheheeh...) Always thinking. (aren't all people?)Less talkative but amiable.(this depends on the people i'm with...) Brave and generous. Patient.(i am... up to a certain point...) Stubborn and hard-hearted.(i can be...if i want to...) If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises.(this is so NOT true...) High-spirited. Well-built and tough. (i am WELL-built and although i could be tough, on certain occasions, i could be soft...just ask keith...*wink*) Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. (if this means pretty, well, that's why they call me diosa around this parts...) Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.(i am able to. if i put my mind to it...) Unpredictable.
drama!
minsan, nakakainis na lang talaga. the frustration and disappointment is enough to drive me to tears.
but i resolve not to cry. tama na ang daang luhang naiyak ko para sa inyo. sabihin nyo nga sa kin,masama ba akong kaibigan?ibinigay ko ang lahat ng pwede kong ibigay. kulang pa rin ba yon? kulang pa ba ang pagmamahal at pang-unawa na binibigay ko sa inyo para ako naman ang unawain nyo?
hindi ako nanunumbat. ang masakit lang talaga eh, sa mahigit sampung taon nating pagsasama, mukhang hindi nyo pa rin ako kilala. ika nga nila, di nyo pa rin huli ang kiliti ko. it's so sad for me to realize that in all the years that we have been together, you never really knew me.
nung araw na nag-talo tayo dahil sa ginawa mo sa bahay namin, nag-text ka. sabi mo "i'll always be here for you". you told me that you'll always be my friend. o eh nasan ka ngayon?bakit hindi ka makalapit sa kin?ni hindi ka nga nagte-text eh. ayaw mo rin makipagkita. then you're going to come out and say i've given up on you?
walang nagbago sa kin. walang nagbago sa pagtingin ko sa iyo. ikaw ang nagbago, ikaw ang lumayo. *sigh*. i am just wasting my breath here. panahon na siguro para tanggapin ko na wala na kayo sa piling ko. hindi ko na aaksayahin ang oras ko na puntahan kayo o tawagan kayo "to patch things up". walang nagbago sa kin. hindi nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa inyo. kayo ang lumayo, kayo ang nagbago.
but i resolve not to cry. tama na ang daang luhang naiyak ko para sa inyo. sabihin nyo nga sa kin,masama ba akong kaibigan?ibinigay ko ang lahat ng pwede kong ibigay. kulang pa rin ba yon? kulang pa ba ang pagmamahal at pang-unawa na binibigay ko sa inyo para ako naman ang unawain nyo?
hindi ako nanunumbat. ang masakit lang talaga eh, sa mahigit sampung taon nating pagsasama, mukhang hindi nyo pa rin ako kilala. ika nga nila, di nyo pa rin huli ang kiliti ko. it's so sad for me to realize that in all the years that we have been together, you never really knew me.
nung araw na nag-talo tayo dahil sa ginawa mo sa bahay namin, nag-text ka. sabi mo "i'll always be here for you". you told me that you'll always be my friend. o eh nasan ka ngayon?bakit hindi ka makalapit sa kin?ni hindi ka nga nagte-text eh. ayaw mo rin makipagkita. then you're going to come out and say i've given up on you?
walang nagbago sa kin. walang nagbago sa pagtingin ko sa iyo. ikaw ang nagbago, ikaw ang lumayo. *sigh*. i am just wasting my breath here. panahon na siguro para tanggapin ko na wala na kayo sa piling ko. hindi ko na aaksayahin ang oras ko na puntahan kayo o tawagan kayo "to patch things up". walang nagbago sa kin. hindi nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa inyo. kayo ang lumayo, kayo ang nagbago.
You are the beautiful and compassionate Queen. You are the epitomy of what every woman should be. You are confident, bold, aggressive, smart, womanly and feminine. You know the right thing to do and do it. You command respect and earn praise. You are moral and loving. In times of trouble, you draw strength from within, and are a source of strength for others.
Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
i took a shower today and was aghast to see how fat i've become.
this shouldn't have been a surprise to me anymore since i've stopped fitting into my fave jeans last year. i've known and felt for some time now that i am fat but the realization didn't really hit me until i saw the naked truth. my only thought, as i stared at myself wearing nothing but my birthday suit, was "Ewww..."
i think i should start going to the gym now.really.my migraine's getting worse and i'm becoming more lethargic every day. i think it's all because i'm going a "little" overweight. yes. i should go to the gym.
now if only i could get my ass off my bed long enough to go there...hmmm...
"houston... we have a problem."
this shouldn't have been a surprise to me anymore since i've stopped fitting into my fave jeans last year. i've known and felt for some time now that i am fat but the realization didn't really hit me until i saw the naked truth. my only thought, as i stared at myself wearing nothing but my birthday suit, was "Ewww..."
i think i should start going to the gym now.really.my migraine's getting worse and i'm becoming more lethargic every day. i think it's all because i'm going a "little" overweight. yes. i should go to the gym.
now if only i could get my ass off my bed long enough to go there...hmmm...
"houston... we have a problem."
i went to naomi's blog and was surprised to see that she made an entry just a few days ago. i am happy to know that she is a lot more stronger now and more able to take on the world's challenges.
it's been a couple of months now since we last spoke with each other. we did send each other a couple of text messages over that period of time, but our messages are stilted and awkward, like we've got something stuck on our throats. it felt like we had something to say but didn't really want to say it. i am reluctant to admit that i may have been a little too harsh on her the last time we spoke with each other. but i am not taking back any of the things i told her. at that time, i felt that what she needed is a good bang in the head instead of a good lay. and i gave her exactly a what for after what she did. and of course, she stopped texting me after that.*LOL*
sometimes, i feel that she is never thankful for having a life. i know, i know... she is SO overburdened with her family's problems. but like what i always tell her, nobody said that she should carry her cross all the time. i think even jesus fell down while carrying his cross and stopped for a while to get a breather. the way i see it is, she refuses to take her life as it is. she keeps on carrying on, sad and miserable, always thinking about her family's issues and never about what's bothering her. well, shalom and i always thought she's too emotional for her own good. i feel that there are some things that she can't fully accept and that is what's dragging her down. oh well... it's her life and i'm just her friend. no matter what i say, she'll be living it the way she sees fit.
i really should stop meddling in my friends' businesses, but then what kind of a friend will i be if i don't meddle? i love them and i will do everything to make them happy. i am glad that naomi is happily moving along. i don't care if we don't speak with each other forever, just as long as she's ok and happy.
" if i can change the world, i would be the sunlight in your universe. you would think my love is really something good, baby if i could, change the world."
it's been a couple of months now since we last spoke with each other. we did send each other a couple of text messages over that period of time, but our messages are stilted and awkward, like we've got something stuck on our throats. it felt like we had something to say but didn't really want to say it. i am reluctant to admit that i may have been a little too harsh on her the last time we spoke with each other. but i am not taking back any of the things i told her. at that time, i felt that what she needed is a good bang in the head instead of a good lay. and i gave her exactly a what for after what she did. and of course, she stopped texting me after that.*LOL*
sometimes, i feel that she is never thankful for having a life. i know, i know... she is SO overburdened with her family's problems. but like what i always tell her, nobody said that she should carry her cross all the time. i think even jesus fell down while carrying his cross and stopped for a while to get a breather. the way i see it is, she refuses to take her life as it is. she keeps on carrying on, sad and miserable, always thinking about her family's issues and never about what's bothering her. well, shalom and i always thought she's too emotional for her own good. i feel that there are some things that she can't fully accept and that is what's dragging her down. oh well... it's her life and i'm just her friend. no matter what i say, she'll be living it the way she sees fit.
i really should stop meddling in my friends' businesses, but then what kind of a friend will i be if i don't meddle? i love them and i will do everything to make them happy. i am glad that naomi is happily moving along. i don't care if we don't speak with each other forever, just as long as she's ok and happy.
" if i can change the world, i would be the sunlight in your universe. you would think my love is really something good, baby if i could, change the world."
getting my groove back
it's been a very busy week for me. calls, calls, calls! but funny enough i am happy to have moved to another team. eventhough i am still level one rep, i am once again facing a whole new load of information to feast my brains on. it's a little nerve-wracking, especially when i make a boo-boo. but my colleagues are supportive and helpful enough. my thoughts of moving on to another company seem to be but a thing of the past. i've found my niche and once again, i am more than content to sit on it for a couple more months.
never thought i'd feel this way, but work is exciting once more...and i hope i'll still be feeling this way a month or 2 from now. wish me luck!
never thought i'd feel this way, but work is exciting once more...and i hope i'll still be feeling this way a month or 2 from now. wish me luck!
on two different email accounts i have received an email from shalom, one of my best friends for the longest time, asking me to help her remember my birthday. i'm sure that this is one of those automated emails from a site that offers a "birthday alarm" service. but just the same, it's a little unnerving for me to get this from a person who has known me for more than 10 years. my birthday is on All Saint's Day. it happens right after Halloween. how many people can a person know in their entire lifetime that celebrates their birthday on All Saint's Day?!?
i'm not making this a big issue. after all, i'm pretty sure that being a very busy working mom and wife is enough to make her forget everybody's birthday. i just can't help but be both saddened nd alarmed by it all. me being me, i'm thinking, as i sat there looking at the subject "help me remember your birthday" or something of the like, that maybe we have been "estranged" for so long that she needs to be reminded of certain things about me now.
valentine's day is fast approaching. i would like to invite her and naomi on a girl's night out like we always did way back when. all three of us would go out and have fun on valentine's day for every year since all three of us met and became friends. but keith and i are going out of town to go to his uncle's funeral. naomi's most likely busy. she doesn't even bother to text these days. and shalom, well... i don't think she could spare time away from her hubby and kids.*sigh* so i guess there won't be a girl's night out on valentine's day this year. maybe next year. i'll keep my fingers crossed on this one as well and i'll keep edna st.vincent millay's words in mind:
life must go on though good men die. life must go on... i forget just why.
i'm not making this a big issue. after all, i'm pretty sure that being a very busy working mom and wife is enough to make her forget everybody's birthday. i just can't help but be both saddened nd alarmed by it all. me being me, i'm thinking, as i sat there looking at the subject "help me remember your birthday" or something of the like, that maybe we have been "estranged" for so long that she needs to be reminded of certain things about me now.
valentine's day is fast approaching. i would like to invite her and naomi on a girl's night out like we always did way back when. all three of us would go out and have fun on valentine's day for every year since all three of us met and became friends. but keith and i are going out of town to go to his uncle's funeral. naomi's most likely busy. she doesn't even bother to text these days. and shalom, well... i don't think she could spare time away from her hubby and kids.*sigh* so i guess there won't be a girl's night out on valentine's day this year. maybe next year. i'll keep my fingers crossed on this one as well and i'll keep edna st.vincent millay's words in mind:
a night to remember
imagine this: a roomful of scented candles, a dozen roses, sumptuous vegetarian pasta with garlic bread, and julia fordham softly crooning in the background...
heavenly right? romantic? definitely!and that was exactly how i spent saturday night. with keith.*wink*
i may be down and sick during the weekend but i sure had some great good-lovin' which ensured that i would be up and about for the coming workweek. sometimes, i feel like i live for the weekends. when i would be able to just kick up my heels and relax, do whatever i want and sleep in keith's arms. but i am hoping that this would all change now that i am being trained for new tasks. maybe this is what i need to get my groove back on work. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
heavenly right? romantic? definitely!and that was exactly how i spent saturday night. with keith.*wink*
i may be down and sick during the weekend but i sure had some great good-lovin' which ensured that i would be up and about for the coming workweek. sometimes, i feel like i live for the weekends. when i would be able to just kick up my heels and relax, do whatever i want and sleep in keith's arms. but i am hoping that this would all change now that i am being trained for new tasks. maybe this is what i need to get my groove back on work. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
as if!
on any "normal" day, this result would have made me swoon. but not today. not today.
You are going to Marry orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anything
cheesy look really hot(like sliding down stairs
on a shield shooting arrows or wearing pointy
ears for example). Congrats!!
Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (now 12 (i just added more, and still more to come!)results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are going to Marry orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anything
cheesy look really hot(like sliding down stairs
on a shield shooting arrows or wearing pointy
ears for example). Congrats!!
Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (now 12 (i just added more, and still more to come!)results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
standstill
evidently, i am in no mood to write.
my head is about ready to explode. i am swimming in a pool of thoughts and i am about to drown. recent events have all piled up and decisions that should have been made yesterday are still waiting to be deliberated tomorrow. i am at a crossroads and i don't have any idea what path to take. robert frost took the one that was less traveled by and it all made the difference to him. i wonder if it would be for me...
*sigh.*
my head is about ready to explode. i am swimming in a pool of thoughts and i am about to drown. recent events have all piled up and decisions that should have been made yesterday are still waiting to be deliberated tomorrow. i am at a crossroads and i don't have any idea what path to take. robert frost took the one that was less traveled by and it all made the difference to him. i wonder if it would be for me...
*sigh.*
the problem with having a blog is that you are putting your life in the spotlight. you are making known to everybody what's going on with your life, how you're coping with things, what your plans are, what you're coming to grips with. you tell the readers of your online diary what your thoughts are about things, about what you do everyday and why you do them. but a person can only explain so much. when you have a blog, you put yourself under a microscope and as you and your readers peer thru the lens and examine your totality and individuality... well, you could only hope that they see you in a good light.
i am surprised that the subject of my impending departure was brought up during a one-on-one session with my team lead. news certainly has a way of going around in an office. not even a handful of people know that i plan to leave. i don't even have my mind made up if i will leave. until i come to a decision, everybody can just hold their breaths and their comments. nothing is set in stone.
i am surprised that the subject of my impending departure was brought up during a one-on-one session with my team lead. news certainly has a way of going around in an office. not even a handful of people know that i plan to leave. i don't even have my mind made up if i will leave. until i come to a decision, everybody can just hold their breaths and their comments. nothing is set in stone.
i've sent my resume to my former account manager.
i've taken the leap and i could only hope that i would land in secure gound. i told bam that there is no guarantee that i'd be accepted for the job so maybe all this talk is for nothing. but then again, i know i'm good. (hehehheehehe...*wink*). i may not have been promoted at my current work but i've never failed to impress people during interview. so maybe... maybe i'll make it and then again, maybe i won't.
i don't ask for signs. but if i ace the interview and offered the job... well, maybe...
i've taken the leap and i could only hope that i would land in secure gound. i told bam that there is no guarantee that i'd be accepted for the job so maybe all this talk is for nothing. but then again, i know i'm good. (hehehheehehe...*wink*). i may not have been promoted at my current work but i've never failed to impress people during interview. so maybe... maybe i'll make it and then again, maybe i won't.
i don't ask for signs. but if i ace the interview and offered the job... well, maybe...
i was offered a job today by my former account manager.
the salary is higher of course with added perks like access to an exclusive fitness club and shuttle service. what caught my attention is the fact that if i do try out for this new company and get accepted, i will be part of their pioneer team. this would mean that after a couple of months, when the company has added on more reps and have expanded, i would be first in line for a higher position.
to say i was tempted is putting it mildly.
what made me think twice is the location the new company is building on. it's miles away from where i live and the journey would be tedious to say the least. also, it's a new company and there is no guarantee that their foundation is strong enough to ensure success. but the promise of a higher position is pulling on me real strong...
ah! choices, choices! i am not sure if i'm ready to take this leap. i'm not sure if i'm prepared to leave my comfort zone and throw away everything i've worked for in my current company in the wind.i am feeling that this new endeavor might not be worth taking the risk...ah!choices, choices...
the salary is higher of course with added perks like access to an exclusive fitness club and shuttle service. what caught my attention is the fact that if i do try out for this new company and get accepted, i will be part of their pioneer team. this would mean that after a couple of months, when the company has added on more reps and have expanded, i would be first in line for a higher position.
to say i was tempted is putting it mildly.
what made me think twice is the location the new company is building on. it's miles away from where i live and the journey would be tedious to say the least. also, it's a new company and there is no guarantee that their foundation is strong enough to ensure success. but the promise of a higher position is pulling on me real strong...
ah! choices, choices! i am not sure if i'm ready to take this leap. i'm not sure if i'm prepared to leave my comfort zone and throw away everything i've worked for in my current company in the wind.i am feeling that this new endeavor might not be worth taking the risk...ah!choices, choices...
ready for the good times
the start of the year, though at first thrilling and exciting, is slowly turning in a very ugly head. my sister's husband got laid off, meaning my heroic mom will come in and save them from economic tragedy. i, on the other hand, is up to my neck in bills. yes. bills, bils, bills! my world is becoming a routine of receiving bills and paying bills. another sore spot is work. i am slowly losing enthusiasm for it. i feel that the job i have is not going to take me anywhere nor will it prove itself to be a stable source of income.
but i am not gonna argue nor will i lose hope. i still have one or two blessings i am happy to count everyday. i still have a roof above my head. i am alive, breathing, with no missing limbs or scarred skin. i still have my friends. i love my family and they love me. i am able to play sims when i'm at the office. i love keith and he loves me. yah... i have keith.
so let's get it on!
Ready for the Good Times
-Shakira-
I don't wanna clear the cobwebs from my head Time will bring them back I bet
So if you hear me say that I believe in love Don't make me feel ashamed
I used to sing the saddest songs And while in the meantime roaches used to climb my Door
Falling back down to the floor I used to read survival guides When my world was full of seven legged cats
But here I am with eight more lives
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Ready to get it on
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Now that I'm not alone
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
You know It
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
You better not
Ignore it
I don't wanna look at fashion magazines While someone does my nails
Sitting here watching other people live Frozen by the fear to fail
Cause, everyday there's a war to fight And if I win or lose never mind
As long as you're my shelter every night I used to cry against a wall
But now I've got a shoulder that I can lean on Swear to me you won't be gone
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Ready to get it on
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Now that I'm not alone
but i am not gonna argue nor will i lose hope. i still have one or two blessings i am happy to count everyday. i still have a roof above my head. i am alive, breathing, with no missing limbs or scarred skin. i still have my friends. i love my family and they love me. i am able to play sims when i'm at the office. i love keith and he loves me. yah... i have keith.
so let's get it on!
Ready for the Good Times
-Shakira-
I don't wanna clear the cobwebs from my head Time will bring them back I bet
So if you hear me say that I believe in love Don't make me feel ashamed
I used to sing the saddest songs And while in the meantime roaches used to climb my Door
Falling back down to the floor I used to read survival guides When my world was full of seven legged cats
But here I am with eight more lives
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Ready to get it on
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Now that I'm not alone
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
You know It
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
You better not
Ignore it
I don't wanna look at fashion magazines While someone does my nails
Sitting here watching other people live Frozen by the fear to fail
Cause, everyday there's a war to fight And if I win or lose never mind
As long as you're my shelter every night I used to cry against a wall
But now I've got a shoulder that I can lean on Swear to me you won't be gone
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Ready to get it on
I'm ready for the good times
I'm ready for the good times
Now that I'm not alone
i have finally gotten my blouse back.
after going from one mall to the other, keith and i were finally able to get the same one he bought me for christmas. we took it to the laundromat and they reimbursed the money we paid for it. the new blouse does not fit quite like the old one did. *sigh*. some things just can't be replaced or reimbursed.
on a happy note, i was finally able to install the superstar expansion pack for the sims. it's currently my "hot property" for the moment. so gotta say bye for now while i play around!*wink*
after going from one mall to the other, keith and i were finally able to get the same one he bought me for christmas. we took it to the laundromat and they reimbursed the money we paid for it. the new blouse does not fit quite like the old one did. *sigh*. some things just can't be replaced or reimbursed.
on a happy note, i was finally able to install the superstar expansion pack for the sims. it's currently my "hot property" for the moment. so gotta say bye for now while i play around!*wink*
laundry service gone wrong
i am in a hellish mood tonight.
i just finished speaking with the manager of the laundromat who did my laundry this weekend. to say that i am annoyed is an understatement. i am in a killing rage. the goddamned establishment lost the blouse keith gave to me for christmas. hear me roooaaar!!!!
the frigging manager didn't even know that i had been complaining all over the laundromat during the weekend. DUH! some manager. no wonder one of her washers lost my blouse. or maybe they didn't lose it. maybe one of her dumb employees took off with it seeing that it was new. damn! i was confident that everything was being handled professionally. i was even telling keith's dad a few days ago how convenient it is to just take your dirty laundry and have it washed by professional cleaners. well i guess i'm dead wrong on that score.
they told me that i could buy any blouse i like to replace the one they say i insist as missing (grrrr... @#%$&@!) and would reimburse me for the fee. they said that they are doing this so they wouldn't lose a customer. hello!!! tough luck! after all this brouhaha they won't ever see my face again. i was so frustrated last saturday when i first found out the blouse was missing that burst into tears. i have never imagined that something convenient could turn out to be one of the most harrowing experiences of your life.
i just finished speaking with the manager of the laundromat who did my laundry this weekend. to say that i am annoyed is an understatement. i am in a killing rage. the goddamned establishment lost the blouse keith gave to me for christmas. hear me roooaaar!!!!
the frigging manager didn't even know that i had been complaining all over the laundromat during the weekend. DUH! some manager. no wonder one of her washers lost my blouse. or maybe they didn't lose it. maybe one of her dumb employees took off with it seeing that it was new. damn! i was confident that everything was being handled professionally. i was even telling keith's dad a few days ago how convenient it is to just take your dirty laundry and have it washed by professional cleaners. well i guess i'm dead wrong on that score.
they told me that i could buy any blouse i like to replace the one they say i insist as missing (grrrr... @#%$&@!) and would reimburse me for the fee. they said that they are doing this so they wouldn't lose a customer. hello!!! tough luck! after all this brouhaha they won't ever see my face again. i was so frustrated last saturday when i first found out the blouse was missing that burst into tears. i have never imagined that something convenient could turn out to be one of the most harrowing experiences of your life.
sims is becoming my favorite game after diablo 1 and 2. i know, i know... these are all passé what with all the million games we have now. but i just so love how you can create a person, model it after you or whoever it is you want to be and set it out on a reality-based game. and i so love the furnitures and wallpapers and all the other cool stuff you could add to create the house of your dreams...
i find it all amazing, especially the part where you have to make friends and maintain them or else you get depressed. when you neglect to speak with a sim you have already been friends with you get a message saying something like " you have lost a family friend. friends are like plants that you need to water everyday or else they wither. a call might help renew the relationship."
when i first saw that message it struck a chord in me. it sounds kinda stupid for you to let a game get to you like that. i guess it's because i don't have much friends right now. when i say friend, i mean those that know me and those that i have been able to count on throughout my life. it seems i don't have much of them anymore. i have fallen out with the 2 good friends i had in college. well, we never had that much in common really but they were still great companions. then i had this "sort of" falling out with naomi and shalom, my two best friends in the whole wide world. i am missing nemo like hell but of course she's got a baby to look after and all.
i am happy to have made friends with angelo, bang-bang, and bam-bam but it's not just the same being apart from your original circle of friends. i am very grateful to have keith around yet still... you get the empty feeling from time to time.
the game is truly amazing. it shows you how real life can get. it isn't easy to win.
i find it all amazing, especially the part where you have to make friends and maintain them or else you get depressed. when you neglect to speak with a sim you have already been friends with you get a message saying something like " you have lost a family friend. friends are like plants that you need to water everyday or else they wither. a call might help renew the relationship."
when i first saw that message it struck a chord in me. it sounds kinda stupid for you to let a game get to you like that. i guess it's because i don't have much friends right now. when i say friend, i mean those that know me and those that i have been able to count on throughout my life. it seems i don't have much of them anymore. i have fallen out with the 2 good friends i had in college. well, we never had that much in common really but they were still great companions. then i had this "sort of" falling out with naomi and shalom, my two best friends in the whole wide world. i am missing nemo like hell but of course she's got a baby to look after and all.
i am happy to have made friends with angelo, bang-bang, and bam-bam but it's not just the same being apart from your original circle of friends. i am very grateful to have keith around yet still... you get the empty feeling from time to time.
the game is truly amazing. it shows you how real life can get. it isn't easy to win.
2004
another year... another beginning... another clean slate to write my whole life all over.
i am full of plans, which is a first since i usually drift along during the first month of the year... waiting for fate to take over and dictate my destiny. but this year, i am taking charge!
it's been a long time since i relished the thought of a new year looming ahead of me. i am thrilled at the thought of the coming days unfolding themselves before me. knowing that keith will be by my side the whole time adds more to the excitement. i can't wait...
i am full of plans, which is a first since i usually drift along during the first month of the year... waiting for fate to take over and dictate my destiny. but this year, i am taking charge!
it's been a long time since i relished the thought of a new year looming ahead of me. i am thrilled at the thought of the coming days unfolding themselves before me. knowing that keith will be by my side the whole time adds more to the excitement. i can't wait...
survey says...
1. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? naluis
2. WHAT KIND OF PANTS ARE YOU WEARING AND WHAT COLOR? i'm wearing a denim dress today :p
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? into deep
4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? sinigang na manok ( cooked by my beloved keith... ^_^ )
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? hello!!! purple of course
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? cold! brrr....
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? one of my company's endless clients
9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? the eyes
10. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? very much AWAKE... eheheheh
11. FAVORITE DRINKS? iced tea, coke, green mango shake
12. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS? tequila! ehehhehe... and mule, and vodka, and erg...
13. FAVORITE SPORTS? swimming, badminton... and i looove to watch synchronized swimming
14. HAIR COLOR? black... but i'm gonna have it changed to chestnut brown soon
15. EYE COLOR? brown
16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no but if i did, the color would be amethyst *wink*
17. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES? just 1.. and she's eight years older than i am
18. FAVORITE MONTH? november
19. FAVORITE FOOD? chicken and pasta!
20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
21. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? everyday is my favorite day...
22. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? depends on who i'm going to ask out
23. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING MOVIES BETTER? happy endings
24. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer!!!
25. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs AND kisses
26. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate
27. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK? of course!
28. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? anne rice, like water for chocolate, house of fog... lots!
29. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER (Also DESKTOP)? Kill Bill
30. FAVORITE BOARD GAMES? monopoly, scrabble
31. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? slept in keith's arms
32. FAVORITE SMELLS? keith's scent,the smell of the coming rain, the tangy scent of the sea
33. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? keith and my family
34. FAVORITE ALBUM TITLE? shades of purple by M2M... hahhahaaa...
35. EVER BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART? yes
36. DO YOU SMOKE? IF YES, PLEASE ELABORATE: yes... i just can't take the stress in my job
37. WHAT ARE YOUR WORST QUALITIES? vindictive bitch
38. WHAT ARE YOUR BEST QUALITIES? ask keith... ahahahhhaaa...
39. HAVE ANY NICKNAMES? ice, charlie, cecilia
40. WHEN DID YOU LAST "GET SOME?" sunday, the 28th
41. ARE YOU HAPPY? not happy... just content
42. ARE YOU HORNY? not right now... but give me 5 minutes on keith's lap and i will be... hehehehhehee...
2. WHAT KIND OF PANTS ARE YOU WEARING AND WHAT COLOR? i'm wearing a denim dress today :p
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? into deep
4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? sinigang na manok ( cooked by my beloved keith... ^_^ )
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? hello!!! purple of course
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? cold! brrr....
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? one of my company's endless clients
9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? the eyes
10. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? very much AWAKE... eheheheh
11. FAVORITE DRINKS? iced tea, coke, green mango shake
12. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS? tequila! ehehhehe... and mule, and vodka, and erg...
13. FAVORITE SPORTS? swimming, badminton... and i looove to watch synchronized swimming
14. HAIR COLOR? black... but i'm gonna have it changed to chestnut brown soon
15. EYE COLOR? brown
16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no but if i did, the color would be amethyst *wink*
17. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES? just 1.. and she's eight years older than i am
18. FAVORITE MONTH? november
19. FAVORITE FOOD? chicken and pasta!
20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
21. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? everyday is my favorite day...
22. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? depends on who i'm going to ask out
23. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING MOVIES BETTER? happy endings
24. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer!!!
25. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs AND kisses
26. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate
27. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK? of course!
28. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? anne rice, like water for chocolate, house of fog... lots!
29. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER (Also DESKTOP)? Kill Bill
30. FAVORITE BOARD GAMES? monopoly, scrabble
31. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? slept in keith's arms
32. FAVORITE SMELLS? keith's scent,the smell of the coming rain, the tangy scent of the sea
33. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? keith and my family
34. FAVORITE ALBUM TITLE? shades of purple by M2M... hahhahaaa...
35. EVER BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART? yes
36. DO YOU SMOKE? IF YES, PLEASE ELABORATE: yes... i just can't take the stress in my job
37. WHAT ARE YOUR WORST QUALITIES? vindictive bitch
38. WHAT ARE YOUR BEST QUALITIES? ask keith... ahahahhhaaa...
39. HAVE ANY NICKNAMES? ice, charlie, cecilia
40. WHEN DID YOU LAST "GET SOME?" sunday, the 28th
41. ARE YOU HAPPY? not happy... just content
42. ARE YOU HORNY? not right now... but give me 5 minutes on keith's lap and i will be... hehehehhehee...
the wedding
i swear that i have never been so orange in all my life.
it was the first time that i was a bridesmaid at a wedding. i was excited at first, but a week before the wedding, i lost all enthusiasm for it. that was about the time that i saw the gown the bridesmaids will be wearing. it was so orange... and i'm so brown... do you get the picture?
anyway, keith was able to convince (actually, it was more like forced) me to wear the gown. and surprise, surprise! i didn't die. and the people in our neighborhood were practically blinded by my beauty as i stormed out of our house to catch the cab that took us to the church. it was pretty much your typical wedding except of course i was a bridesmaid and keith was this gorgeous groomsman. he looked positively dashing in his barong tagalog.*sigh*. just looking at him made me wish that we were the ones getting married and not his brother.
sometimes, i get to thinking that my relationship with him will just go on and on for years until finally he ends up marrying someone else... i know, i know... my paranoia is getting all worked up again but hey... i'm only human. besides, it's an all too familiar sob story. but just like what i said to the newly-wed couple when i met them at the reception... i am wishing for the very best.
it was the first time that i was a bridesmaid at a wedding. i was excited at first, but a week before the wedding, i lost all enthusiasm for it. that was about the time that i saw the gown the bridesmaids will be wearing. it was so orange... and i'm so brown... do you get the picture?
anyway, keith was able to convince (actually, it was more like forced) me to wear the gown. and surprise, surprise! i didn't die. and the people in our neighborhood were practically blinded by my beauty as i stormed out of our house to catch the cab that took us to the church. it was pretty much your typical wedding except of course i was a bridesmaid and keith was this gorgeous groomsman. he looked positively dashing in his barong tagalog.*sigh*. just looking at him made me wish that we were the ones getting married and not his brother.
sometimes, i get to thinking that my relationship with him will just go on and on for years until finally he ends up marrying someone else... i know, i know... my paranoia is getting all worked up again but hey... i'm only human. besides, it's an all too familiar sob story. but just like what i said to the newly-wed couple when i met them at the reception... i am wishing for the very best.
just got out of the usual staff meeting that we have every wednesday... (yes, i am in the office right now. it is business as usual for us.> and i am very pleased with the news that was imparted to us working class people. first off, we don't have to go to work later tonight (yey!). second, i came eleventh in the overall performance rating for our team.
i am mightily pleased.
things are looking up...
i can't wait for the new year...
i am mightily pleased.
things are looking up...
i can't wait for the new year...
so what do you do when a close friend of yours who did something horrible to you sends you an SMS message saying something like " you don't need me anymore but i will be just right here if you will."? wouldn't that just freak you out?!
well, it definitely got me running around in circles for a time.
but having thought about it over the weekend, i have realized that what she meant was that i am no longer paying her any attention. i am no longer calling her or texting her asking her to spend some time with me. i guess she thought she no longer mattered.
on the contrary, i am missing my small tight-knit circle of friends. i am missing their company and oftentimes find myself thinking it would be fun to spend a day with them instead of with keith. but as soon as i thought about it, i immediately erase the notion. a lot of things has happened. a lot has changed. i feel that i have been hurt and disappointed by their antics so many times, i have just about given up on them. i am just so full of bitterness right now. this alone is reason enough to stay away from them. they have been witnesses to my sharp tongue. i don't want them to be the victims of it this time...
so what do you do when loved-ones fall short of your expectations? what do you do when they do something horrible to you? you accept them of course. and love them just the same, maybe even more. and i love them. they still matter.it's just that it's not all too easy for me to accept the fact that things aren't like before. i'm finding it difficult to know that they are not who i thought they were...
they used to be my refuge. yes, i was definitely shit without them. but now, day after day, with all of them so far away...i am finding refuge within myself.
well, it definitely got me running around in circles for a time.
but having thought about it over the weekend, i have realized that what she meant was that i am no longer paying her any attention. i am no longer calling her or texting her asking her to spend some time with me. i guess she thought she no longer mattered.
on the contrary, i am missing my small tight-knit circle of friends. i am missing their company and oftentimes find myself thinking it would be fun to spend a day with them instead of with keith. but as soon as i thought about it, i immediately erase the notion. a lot of things has happened. a lot has changed. i feel that i have been hurt and disappointed by their antics so many times, i have just about given up on them. i am just so full of bitterness right now. this alone is reason enough to stay away from them. they have been witnesses to my sharp tongue. i don't want them to be the victims of it this time...
so what do you do when loved-ones fall short of your expectations? what do you do when they do something horrible to you? you accept them of course. and love them just the same, maybe even more. and i love them. they still matter.it's just that it's not all too easy for me to accept the fact that things aren't like before. i'm finding it difficult to know that they are not who i thought they were...
they used to be my refuge. yes, i was definitely shit without them. but now, day after day, with all of them so far away...i am finding refuge within myself.
Your Relationship Will Last... A Long Time!
This may be hard for you to swallow, but you and your guy might not last
At least not forever. He's somewhere between Mr. Right... and Mr. Right Now
No doubt your guy is a great catch - and generally good to you
The odds are, however, that someone better is out there!
How Long Will Your Relationship Last? Take This Quiz :-)
Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.
the sad thing about all this is that i don't want someone better... i want him.
i am annoyed with keith.
i was hoping that he would be dropping by my place this afternoon. well, thank god i didn't hold my breath. 'cause if i did, i won't be here ranting and raving now.
i absolutely hate it when i get all my hopes up and then wham! it was all for nothing.
ok. so maybe it's not keith's fault. this is all my fault.
once again, i am falling down that pit of dependency. though i find it lonely to be on my own, well, i'd rather be alone than continually depend on someone. if there is any lesson i've learned in life, it is that no matter how many friends you have or how much your family loves you, it's not right to depend on any of them. because sooner or later, life is gonna screw you up. and you'll be as you always have been. alone.
so i don't like depending on people. then keith came along. and i got into this routine of relying on him. glorying on the idea that for the first time, i have someone i can lean on. but, as usual, life steps in and i realize that i am becoming more and more of a burden to him. he has his review and his family to think about. he doesn't need someone like me slowing him down.
i would leave him now if only i could. i would set him free from carrying me around if only i could be unselfish enugh. but i just can't.
and maybe that's why, once again, i am acting like a goddamned irrational bitch.
i miss him. i am just dying to see him. but silly me, i won't. i have got to get out of this pit. i have got to stand up and be whole... without him.
i was hoping that he would be dropping by my place this afternoon. well, thank god i didn't hold my breath. 'cause if i did, i won't be here ranting and raving now.
i absolutely hate it when i get all my hopes up and then wham! it was all for nothing.
ok. so maybe it's not keith's fault. this is all my fault.
once again, i am falling down that pit of dependency. though i find it lonely to be on my own, well, i'd rather be alone than continually depend on someone. if there is any lesson i've learned in life, it is that no matter how many friends you have or how much your family loves you, it's not right to depend on any of them. because sooner or later, life is gonna screw you up. and you'll be as you always have been. alone.
so i don't like depending on people. then keith came along. and i got into this routine of relying on him. glorying on the idea that for the first time, i have someone i can lean on. but, as usual, life steps in and i realize that i am becoming more and more of a burden to him. he has his review and his family to think about. he doesn't need someone like me slowing him down.
i would leave him now if only i could. i would set him free from carrying me around if only i could be unselfish enugh. but i just can't.
and maybe that's why, once again, i am acting like a goddamned irrational bitch.
i miss him. i am just dying to see him. but silly me, i won't. i have got to get out of this pit. i have got to stand up and be whole... without him.
i am feeling that something big is going to happen... something monumental...
no, i'm not going to get pregnant...
no, it's not the impending end of my current water crisis...
no, it's not winning in the lottery, thereby ending my destitution...
it's something to do with work...
i feel tension in the office, something is definitely going on...
i feel like if i'm not on my toes, i'd be getting the boot sooner than i thought.
i hope this is all just paranoia.
no, i'm not going to get pregnant...
no, it's not the impending end of my current water crisis...
no, it's not winning in the lottery, thereby ending my destitution...
it's something to do with work...
i feel tension in the office, something is definitely going on...
i feel like if i'm not on my toes, i'd be getting the boot sooner than i thought.
i hope this is all just paranoia.
i am at this very moment an aspiring webmistress...
yup... iam currently, with the help of my beloved officemate, angelo, attempting to create a website dedicated to my unpublished poems. yes, a great endeavor. i know... and i am just so excited!
wish me luck! hopefully, i will be able to commit enough patience to see this project to the finish. and hopefully, with the grace of god, i will be able to stop myself from laboring over the design and look of the webpage as i did with this blog. *wink*
yup... iam currently, with the help of my beloved officemate, angelo, attempting to create a website dedicated to my unpublished poems. yes, a great endeavor. i know... and i am just so excited!
wish me luck! hopefully, i will be able to commit enough patience to see this project to the finish. and hopefully, with the grace of god, i will be able to stop myself from laboring over the design and look of the webpage as i did with this blog. *wink*
my roomie and dear friend geisha's dad passed away yesterday. and i don't kow if getting the following email from a friend of mine is fate or coincidental. at first it got me a little spooked... then it made me *almost* cry. read on...
Nagising na lang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang may kulang.Kumain ako ng almusal, nakausap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay, pero bakit ganito, parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Pumasok ako sa school. Nag-iisip pa rin. Muntik na nga ako matisod sa kakaisip lang nito. Tinanong na ko ng mga katrabaho ko, ano ba meron sa kin, bakit ang tamlay ko. Sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan.
Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo? Tipong merong kailangang makapuno?
Yun ang nararamdaman ko nung araw na yun. Gusto ko nang sumigaw. Magwala. Malay ko ba kung ano lang ito. Pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi naman dapat.
Mga bandang tanghalian, tumawag sya. Lam mo na... Siya. Yung lalaking minahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa ibang tao. Wala lang nangumusta lang. Labas daw kami pagkatapos ng class. Nag-isip ako ng mabuti, kung papayag ako o hindi. Naisip ko, ano ba namang masama. Nasa malayo naman nagtatrabaho ang girlfriend nya, parang malalaman, di ba?
Natapos ang araw, sobrang excited ako. Sinundo nya ako sa school. Kumain kami. Nag-usap. Binalik ang nakaraan. Sabi ko na lang wag nang pag-usapan. May buhay na sya, masaya na rin ako sa buhay ko. Kaibigan na lang ang maibibigay ko. Ang drama pa nga, sabi niya mahal pa daw nya ako. Ikumpara ba 'ko sa bago! Mas mabait daw ako, mas understanding...
Sabi ko nga , "Aba eh bakit sa 'kin mo sinasabi yan, ano ito bolahan?!"
Natawa lang sya kahit hindi nakakatawa. Nainis nga ako, di ko na lang pinakita.
Pero kahit na nag-uusap kami nandun pa rin yung malaking butas, nararamdaman ko pa rin. Hanggang naisip ko baka kulang lang ako sa pagtawag sa kanya. Siguro naman alam nyo kung sino yun.
Naglalakad na kami pauwi, papunta sa auto nya. Nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na nararamdaman. Napatawa pa ko sa mga biro nya. Napalo ko pa nga sa kakatawa.
Biglang nag-ring ang cellphone ko.
Kapatid nya, umiiyak.
Sabi ko "Bakit? Kasama ko kuya mo, pauwi na kami..."
Bigla syang natahimik, tinanong ko kung bakit at dahan- dahan nyang sinabi...
"Pa'no nangyari yun e si kuya nadisgrasya. na total wreck sasakyan nya. Ate, patay na sya..."
Nabigla ako.
Hindi ko maintindihan, pano nangyari na patay na sya e kasama ko pa, pag harap ko sa likod ko, nandun pa sya, ganun pa rin suot nya pero duguan na...
Napaluha ako.
Ngumiti lang sya at sinabi na, "Naramdaman mo na ba yung pakiramdam na parang may kulang, hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?"
Napa-oo na lang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha...
"papunta ako sa iyo ngayon, dahil gusto kong sabihin na ikaw pala yun, 'yung kulang sa buhay ko...Gusto ko sana na magpakasal tayo...Pero di ba sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari, gusto ko bago ako mamatay ikaw ang asa tabi ko..."
Tapos bigla syang nawala.
Bumigat lalo ang pakiramdam ko, napa-upo ako sa lapag. Wala na lang akong magawa kung hindi umiyak. Bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi nya tama sa pandinig ko, hangin na lang ang lahat ng ito...
i don't know who wrote this so i am unable to give proper credit to the author. it was just one of thos emails that get spammed to everybody. i just hope to god that this is not a true story or based from true story. although, when you think about it, art ofen imitates real life.
again, i am reminded of how important it is to always, always say and show people how much they mean to me. even if it sounds mushy. even if it's the same three words i say over and over again. 'cause i just don't know when it might be too late for either of us to even say it.
Nagising na lang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang may kulang.Kumain ako ng almusal, nakausap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay, pero bakit ganito, parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Pumasok ako sa school. Nag-iisip pa rin. Muntik na nga ako matisod sa kakaisip lang nito. Tinanong na ko ng mga katrabaho ko, ano ba meron sa kin, bakit ang tamlay ko. Sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan.
Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo? Tipong merong kailangang makapuno?
Yun ang nararamdaman ko nung araw na yun. Gusto ko nang sumigaw. Magwala. Malay ko ba kung ano lang ito. Pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi naman dapat.
Mga bandang tanghalian, tumawag sya. Lam mo na... Siya. Yung lalaking minahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa ibang tao. Wala lang nangumusta lang. Labas daw kami pagkatapos ng class. Nag-isip ako ng mabuti, kung papayag ako o hindi. Naisip ko, ano ba namang masama. Nasa malayo naman nagtatrabaho ang girlfriend nya, parang malalaman, di ba?
Natapos ang araw, sobrang excited ako. Sinundo nya ako sa school. Kumain kami. Nag-usap. Binalik ang nakaraan. Sabi ko na lang wag nang pag-usapan. May buhay na sya, masaya na rin ako sa buhay ko. Kaibigan na lang ang maibibigay ko. Ang drama pa nga, sabi niya mahal pa daw nya ako. Ikumpara ba 'ko sa bago! Mas mabait daw ako, mas understanding...
Sabi ko nga , "Aba eh bakit sa 'kin mo sinasabi yan, ano ito bolahan?!"
Natawa lang sya kahit hindi nakakatawa. Nainis nga ako, di ko na lang pinakita.
Pero kahit na nag-uusap kami nandun pa rin yung malaking butas, nararamdaman ko pa rin. Hanggang naisip ko baka kulang lang ako sa pagtawag sa kanya. Siguro naman alam nyo kung sino yun.
Naglalakad na kami pauwi, papunta sa auto nya. Nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na nararamdaman. Napatawa pa ko sa mga biro nya. Napalo ko pa nga sa kakatawa.
Biglang nag-ring ang cellphone ko.
Kapatid nya, umiiyak.
Sabi ko "Bakit? Kasama ko kuya mo, pauwi na kami..."
Bigla syang natahimik, tinanong ko kung bakit at dahan- dahan nyang sinabi...
"Pa'no nangyari yun e si kuya nadisgrasya. na total wreck sasakyan nya. Ate, patay na sya..."
Nabigla ako.
Hindi ko maintindihan, pano nangyari na patay na sya e kasama ko pa, pag harap ko sa likod ko, nandun pa sya, ganun pa rin suot nya pero duguan na...
Napaluha ako.
Ngumiti lang sya at sinabi na, "Naramdaman mo na ba yung pakiramdam na parang may kulang, hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?"
Napa-oo na lang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha...
"papunta ako sa iyo ngayon, dahil gusto kong sabihin na ikaw pala yun, 'yung kulang sa buhay ko...Gusto ko sana na magpakasal tayo...Pero di ba sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari, gusto ko bago ako mamatay ikaw ang asa tabi ko..."
Tapos bigla syang nawala.
Bumigat lalo ang pakiramdam ko, napa-upo ako sa lapag. Wala na lang akong magawa kung hindi umiyak. Bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi nya tama sa pandinig ko, hangin na lang ang lahat ng ito...
i don't know who wrote this so i am unable to give proper credit to the author. it was just one of thos emails that get spammed to everybody. i just hope to god that this is not a true story or based from true story. although, when you think about it, art ofen imitates real life.
again, i am reminded of how important it is to always, always say and show people how much they mean to me. even if it sounds mushy. even if it's the same three words i say over and over again. 'cause i just don't know when it might be too late for either of us to even say it.
this is me...
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
alone again, naturally...
mahirap pala ang mag-isa...
habang palapit nang palapit ang pasko...habang palamig nang palamig ang gabi... habang patuloy ang tila walang-hanggan kong pag-iigib ng tubig araw-araw... habang pahirap nang pahirap ang paghahanap ko ng bagong water pump... lalo kong naiisip na hindi pala madali ang mag-isa... hindi pala masaya tulad ng inaakala ko noon.
wala akong ibang inisip noong nag-aaral pa ko kundi ang makatapos at masuportahan ang sarili ko. gusto ko maging isang "independent career girl". ang taray no?! hah! ang hirap pala... sa umpisa, nakakatuwa. wala kasing nakikialam sa yo, walang magsasabi kung anong oras ka uuwi at kung sino lang ang pwede mong patuluyin sa bahay mo.... tuwang-tuwa ako dahil hindi na ko umaasa sa magulang ko. kaya ko nang mabuhay ng mag-isa.
kaya ko, pero hindi pala sya ganun kadali...
nakakapagod palang umasa sa sarili mo. pag may krisis, sarili mo lang ang aasahan mo. walang ibang tutulong sa'yo kundi ikaw lang. kahit pa sabihin mo na may mga kaibigan at nobyo kang aalalay sa yo... hindi lahat ng oras nandyan sila kasi may mga sarili rin silang buhay. may mga sariling alalahanin at krisis. mag-isa kang uuwi sa bahay mo, mag-isa kang matutulog sa malaki mong kama, mag-isa kang kakain nga hapunan o tanghalian...
i am strong and am getting stronger with each challenge i surpass. i am living by myself, living the life that i have dreamed of for so long. but the fact remains that.. i could have been happier otherwise.
habang palapit nang palapit ang pasko...habang palamig nang palamig ang gabi... habang patuloy ang tila walang-hanggan kong pag-iigib ng tubig araw-araw... habang pahirap nang pahirap ang paghahanap ko ng bagong water pump... lalo kong naiisip na hindi pala madali ang mag-isa... hindi pala masaya tulad ng inaakala ko noon.
wala akong ibang inisip noong nag-aaral pa ko kundi ang makatapos at masuportahan ang sarili ko. gusto ko maging isang "independent career girl". ang taray no?! hah! ang hirap pala... sa umpisa, nakakatuwa. wala kasing nakikialam sa yo, walang magsasabi kung anong oras ka uuwi at kung sino lang ang pwede mong patuluyin sa bahay mo.... tuwang-tuwa ako dahil hindi na ko umaasa sa magulang ko. kaya ko nang mabuhay ng mag-isa.
kaya ko, pero hindi pala sya ganun kadali...
nakakapagod palang umasa sa sarili mo. pag may krisis, sarili mo lang ang aasahan mo. walang ibang tutulong sa'yo kundi ikaw lang. kahit pa sabihin mo na may mga kaibigan at nobyo kang aalalay sa yo... hindi lahat ng oras nandyan sila kasi may mga sarili rin silang buhay. may mga sariling alalahanin at krisis. mag-isa kang uuwi sa bahay mo, mag-isa kang matutulog sa malaki mong kama, mag-isa kang kakain nga hapunan o tanghalian...
i am strong and am getting stronger with each challenge i surpass. i am living by myself, living the life that i have dreamed of for so long. but the fact remains that.. i could have been happier otherwise.
You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
all i want for christmas...
hay, pasko na... eto ako, stressed and depressed dahil sira pa rin ang water pump namin hanggang ngayon. pinakamasakit sa lahat eh thousands of pesoseses na naubos ko, hindi pa rin sya gawa. kaya while having my facial yesterday eh mega-tsika ako sa aking mother dear na umuwi muna dito to look into our pump... hay!paubos na kabang-yaman ko, marami pa ring bills na dapat bayaran... independence is not all that it's cut out to be.
i have always wanted to live by myself. no parents and siblings to tell me what to do. no screaming nieces and nephews. all peace, quiet, and time for myself... i forgot that freedom doesn't come without a price. since i am now little ms.independent, i have to do my own laundry, cook, clean the house, and play landlady to my mother's tenants. arghh!!!
in the great words of doña meng:"i am destitute." i have been saving up what little i could salvage from my salary for the grand vacation DK and I would be having on January in Bacolod. Now, with all the spending that has been going on over my blasted water pump, the possibility of ever leaving manila is bleak. *sigh*
john lennon wasn't kidding when he said that life is what happens when all of us are busy making plans.
oh well... paubos man ang pera ko, at least may papa pa rin ako. DK has been a source of strength for me. i wouldn't know what i would do without him. he asked me a couple of days ago what i wanted for christmas. hmmmm... to be honest, i can't think of anything that i want for christmas. marami na kong damit, makakabili naman ako ng sarili kong gamit... what i want is peace of mind. i want financial stability and security. i want a guarantee that DK and I would be together forever. kung meron mang makakapagsabi kung san ko makukuha ang mga ito, please lang...email me.
i have always wanted to live by myself. no parents and siblings to tell me what to do. no screaming nieces and nephews. all peace, quiet, and time for myself... i forgot that freedom doesn't come without a price. since i am now little ms.independent, i have to do my own laundry, cook, clean the house, and play landlady to my mother's tenants. arghh!!!
in the great words of doña meng:"i am destitute." i have been saving up what little i could salvage from my salary for the grand vacation DK and I would be having on January in Bacolod. Now, with all the spending that has been going on over my blasted water pump, the possibility of ever leaving manila is bleak. *sigh*
john lennon wasn't kidding when he said that life is what happens when all of us are busy making plans.
oh well... paubos man ang pera ko, at least may papa pa rin ako. DK has been a source of strength for me. i wouldn't know what i would do without him. he asked me a couple of days ago what i wanted for christmas. hmmmm... to be honest, i can't think of anything that i want for christmas. marami na kong damit, makakabili naman ako ng sarili kong gamit... what i want is peace of mind. i want financial stability and security. i want a guarantee that DK and I would be together forever. kung meron mang makakapagsabi kung san ko makukuha ang mga ito, please lang...email me.
hindi totoo ito!!!
HOUDINI:
You start with high hopes, quickly gain lots of
readers and admirers - just to suddenly vanish,
never to be heard of.
What kind of blogger are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
divine discontent
once again, i am thinking... no.. i am going to have my blog's look changed.
i know, i know... i am getting pretty much annoyed about this too. it's a pain to have to change my blog's skin all the time. but i am only human. despite my being a goddess and all (*wink*), i remain human. and to be human is to be eternally discontented. we are happy but we are not content. we think, therefore... we are.
so, once again i am on the scout for a suitable skin for my blog. most of my friends told me that they don't like the new look at all so...*sigh*.
UPDATE: due to insistent public demand, my old template is back. this is all for the meantime of course.
i know, i know... i am getting pretty much annoyed about this too. it's a pain to have to change my blog's skin all the time. but i am only human. despite my being a goddess and all (*wink*), i remain human. and to be human is to be eternally discontented. we are happy but we are not content. we think, therefore... we are.
so, once again i am on the scout for a suitable skin for my blog. most of my friends told me that they don't like the new look at all so...*sigh*.
UPDATE: due to insistent public demand, my old template is back. this is all for the meantime of course.
finally! after playing dress-up with my blog, i have found the one that actually fits! i'm still not satisfied with the pic and the top could use something... hmmm... my creative juices are just a-flowing!
by the way, i have moved from tag-board to chatterbox. it was something i had to do. the tagboard won't fit in my new slim skin... hehehehehehe *wink*
by the way, i have moved from tag-board to chatterbox. it was something i had to do. the tagboard won't fit in my new slim skin... hehehehehehe *wink*
bakit tahimik ang diosa...
kasi abalang-abala sa pagbusisi ng blogst... once again, i am on the prowl for the one, the skin that will suit me... wish me luck!...
back from my short respite, i am feeling so up, up, up!!! there is nothing but a great weekend to rev up your week...
november 1, your dear goddess celebrated her birthday with her beloved and his relatives... it was a happy event. we went swimming of course. ^_^ this is one of the few truly happy birthdays that i had. when i was a kid i absolutely hated my birthday. don't ask me why. my birthday is on november 1. i think that fact explains it all.
i am now officially 23.
funny but i feel a lot older than that. i feel like i've been thru so much already. i never thought that i would reach this age. i never thought i'd have a job, or be able to actually live by myself and survive. it didn't occur to me that i'd be in a relationship, that i'd be able to handle it, that i'd be fighting for it, compromising for it... i didn't know i'd fall in love.
looking back, i could only feel nostalgia and gratitude for the One Up There who never gives up on me and keeps on sending me gifts. whether it's my birthday or not.
november 1, your dear goddess celebrated her birthday with her beloved and his relatives... it was a happy event. we went swimming of course. ^_^ this is one of the few truly happy birthdays that i had. when i was a kid i absolutely hated my birthday. don't ask me why. my birthday is on november 1. i think that fact explains it all.
i am now officially 23.
funny but i feel a lot older than that. i feel like i've been thru so much already. i never thought that i would reach this age. i never thought i'd have a job, or be able to actually live by myself and survive. it didn't occur to me that i'd be in a relationship, that i'd be able to handle it, that i'd be fighting for it, compromising for it... i didn't know i'd fall in love.
looking back, i could only feel nostalgia and gratitude for the One Up There who never gives up on me and keeps on sending me gifts. whether it's my birthday or not.
after my post about best friends landed with the resounding crash of a grand piano, there is nothing between us tres marias but silence. a loud deafening silence...
this is for the better i suppose since this will keep me from further saying something on the issue. some things really are better left unsaid. on the other hand, bitter feelings should be brought to light and addressed before they cause further rift. this is why i felt the need to be true to myself and say what i have been wanting to say to her for the longest time...
i am not happy with the choices she has made. i feel that this brought about the sticky , maddening situation we find ourselves in. sometimes, i feel that a part of me has been taken and i guess this is true... she has been spirited away from me and no matter what i do she will never come back...
yes... new experiences bring about a new set of priorities. we all have to grow and at some point, the one path where we all walked on would branch out to give way to these fresh encounters. yes... in the long run, at some point or another we would find ourselves absolutely alone. still, it helps to know that there would always be people you could fall back on...
i thought that she would be that person. no matter what happens, she would be there for me. she would always be my voice of reason, my refuge. but things are different now. it's a tough pill to swallow but there it is. stuck in my throat, bringing tears to my eyes. no matter how we all wish things are the same, the choices she has made for herself won't allow us to go back and pretend this nightmare never happened...
i am ending this all with a heavy heart and a sigh. none of what i said will change anything...her husband won't suddenly welcome us in their home. she won't instantly get free time and spend it with us guilt-free. her baby won't miraculously be in the pink of health...i am sorry if any of these hurt her... but maybe, instead, she should aknowledge my pain...
i am not closing my doors nor have i developed an aversion to her. though the times have changed, my love fore her and my support as her friend remain the same. if she can't be my refuge... then i can be hers...
i do not need to let go of her anymore... sadly, she has left me long before i reached for her and realized it's a dream i've been clinging to all along....
this is for the better i suppose since this will keep me from further saying something on the issue. some things really are better left unsaid. on the other hand, bitter feelings should be brought to light and addressed before they cause further rift. this is why i felt the need to be true to myself and say what i have been wanting to say to her for the longest time...
i am not happy with the choices she has made. i feel that this brought about the sticky , maddening situation we find ourselves in. sometimes, i feel that a part of me has been taken and i guess this is true... she has been spirited away from me and no matter what i do she will never come back...
yes... new experiences bring about a new set of priorities. we all have to grow and at some point, the one path where we all walked on would branch out to give way to these fresh encounters. yes... in the long run, at some point or another we would find ourselves absolutely alone. still, it helps to know that there would always be people you could fall back on...
i thought that she would be that person. no matter what happens, she would be there for me. she would always be my voice of reason, my refuge. but things are different now. it's a tough pill to swallow but there it is. stuck in my throat, bringing tears to my eyes. no matter how we all wish things are the same, the choices she has made for herself won't allow us to go back and pretend this nightmare never happened...
i am ending this all with a heavy heart and a sigh. none of what i said will change anything...her husband won't suddenly welcome us in their home. she won't instantly get free time and spend it with us guilt-free. her baby won't miraculously be in the pink of health...i am sorry if any of these hurt her... but maybe, instead, she should aknowledge my pain...
i am not closing my doors nor have i developed an aversion to her. though the times have changed, my love fore her and my support as her friend remain the same. if she can't be my refuge... then i can be hers...
i do not need to let go of her anymore... sadly, she has left me long before i reached for her and realized it's a dream i've been clinging to all along....
kaya pala...
people, hindi ko 'to sinadya... promise! ito talaga ang lumabas na resulta...so, i guess... despite my average looks and above-average wit and intelligence, i truly am... a goddess...
You are a goddess!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a goddess!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
hmm... this must explain my affinity with Anne Rice's novels and Blade...
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.
"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."
Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.
"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."
Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
we are the best of friends...
people oftentimes referred to us as twins. we were inseparable. always together, thru thick and thin. anything that happened to her, eventually happened to me. our birthdays are just a week apart so both of us are scorpios. people always said we look alike despite the fact that i look like you typical filipina, and she, an Indian beauty.
we were so close that i found it hard to imagine there would come a time that we would part ways. i've always thought that we would grow together. we would both finish school, get jobs, start our career and tour the world together. i thought then , that husbands and babies would come much later. after all, we are just beginning to live our lives.
we are the best of friends...
sooner than everyone thought, she got pregnant and married to the father of her child. she was twenty, just graduated from college... i didn't want to go to her wedding because i didn't want her to get married. i thought it's ok to have the baby for now and wait till her boyfriend's got a good, steady job. but off to the altar she went and now she's 24, married with 2 kids.
a lot of things has happened to me that i wanted to share with her, just like before. but we hardly see each other now... i drown myself with my work and my boyfriend... she has her family to take care of now...i want to spend time with her like before and talk about anything and everything under the sun, just walk around the mall or sit on a cafe without a care in the world... i want her and me and laiza and nina to go to the beach together, have fun and hang around like the good old days...
yah.. those were the good, old days... things change and people change along with them... new experiences bring on a new set of priorities... i knew on the day she took her marriage vows that our paths would be parted from now on...
we were the best of friends...
people oftentimes referred to us as twins. we were inseparable. always together, thru thick and thin. anything that happened to her, eventually happened to me. our birthdays are just a week apart so both of us are scorpios. people always said we look alike despite the fact that i look like you typical filipina, and she, an Indian beauty.
we were so close that i found it hard to imagine there would come a time that we would part ways. i've always thought that we would grow together. we would both finish school, get jobs, start our career and tour the world together. i thought then , that husbands and babies would come much later. after all, we are just beginning to live our lives.
we are the best of friends...
sooner than everyone thought, she got pregnant and married to the father of her child. she was twenty, just graduated from college... i didn't want to go to her wedding because i didn't want her to get married. i thought it's ok to have the baby for now and wait till her boyfriend's got a good, steady job. but off to the altar she went and now she's 24, married with 2 kids.
a lot of things has happened to me that i wanted to share with her, just like before. but we hardly see each other now... i drown myself with my work and my boyfriend... she has her family to take care of now...i want to spend time with her like before and talk about anything and everything under the sun, just walk around the mall or sit on a cafe without a care in the world... i want her and me and laiza and nina to go to the beach together, have fun and hang around like the good old days...
yah.. those were the good, old days... things change and people change along with them... new experiences bring on a new set of priorities... i knew on the day she took her marriage vows that our paths would be parted from now on...
we were the best of friends...
ang halik ng diosa
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
the hidden side of me...
You are... WAIT! - you're none of the Sins you're
an Angel!
Perfect, or close enough, and annoyingly so! Did
you always
behave so 'just right'. ARGHHH . You can annoy the
hell outta
people with your attitude, but no doubt your church
is real happy
with you. The positive side certainly outweighs the
negative,
after all, you do chores, are smart, are cute, do
charity work.
Least you know what a perfect saint you are. You
just make the rest
of us sinners vomit. Perhaps you could break the
rules once in a while, go wild - Eat an extra
cookie or something.
However - congratulations on being the most pure,
of the entire human race.
?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
the siren...
| I am the Siren A man is often secretly oppressed by the role he has to play - by always having to be responsible, in control, and rational. The Siren is the ultimate male fantasy figure because she offers a total release form the limitations of his life. In her presence, which is always heightened and sexually charged, the male feels transported to a realm of pure pleasure. In a world where women are often too timid to project such an image, learn to take control of the male libido by embodying his fantasy. Symbol: Water. The song of the Siren is liquid and enticing, and the Siren herself is fluid and ungraspable. Like the sea, the Siren lures you with the promise of infinite adventure and pleasure. Forgetting past and future, men follow her far out to sea, where they drown. |
What Type of Seducer are You?
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polite_society kaya pala sila nabibighani sa 'kin... bwahaahahahaha!
for taltos
"Boy you reminded me of putting this things into words and save them for a rainy day. Your shameful heart and sinful soul, Oh I'm amazed by you and all that you are...Your devious ways,you do the work of the dark forces in this world and you're real, Oh yes you are..."
ethan hawke's character in Gattaca said that he never realized how far he was from his dream when he was but standing just right beside it. similarly, i have never realized how much i wanted you till you were but inches from me. you're just right there for me to touch but a huge wall couldn't have separated us more than the silence we have chosen to surround ourselves. neither of us wants to say anything about what we've talked about so casually a couple of days ago. neither of us wants to look the either in the eye, for fear of being given away by the passion one of us might find there.
"You really knew right from the start, How to work your way to my heart. And then you pulled the trigger, Shot me where I'm the weakest. You're a disgrace, to the human race With your pretty face. Your devious ways you do the work of dark forces in this world And you're evil...oh yes you are..."
the age-old dilemma of loving someone but being attracted to another could be resolved by walking along only one path. i chose love over lust. i am happy with my choice but a thousand what-ifs are racing thru my head. each time i glance your way, i ask myself: what if?...
"Damned, you're one man I just can't stand. You're Damned, you built your castle on the sand... you're Damned, how could i ever want you for my man? I've lost you now...So why do I care?"
ethan hawke's character in Gattaca said that he never realized how far he was from his dream when he was but standing just right beside it. similarly, i have never realized how much i wanted you till you were but inches from me. you're just right there for me to touch but a huge wall couldn't have separated us more than the silence we have chosen to surround ourselves. neither of us wants to say anything about what we've talked about so casually a couple of days ago. neither of us wants to look the either in the eye, for fear of being given away by the passion one of us might find there.
"You really knew right from the start, How to work your way to my heart. And then you pulled the trigger, Shot me where I'm the weakest. You're a disgrace, to the human race With your pretty face. Your devious ways you do the work of dark forces in this world And you're evil...oh yes you are..."
the age-old dilemma of loving someone but being attracted to another could be resolved by walking along only one path. i chose love over lust. i am happy with my choice but a thousand what-ifs are racing thru my head. each time i glance your way, i ask myself: what if?...
"Damned, you're one man I just can't stand. You're Damned, you built your castle on the sand... you're Damned, how could i ever want you for my man? I've lost you now...So why do I care?"
kung ako ay libre...
eto ang nabungaran ko sa dyaryong libre kanina...
scorpio: tumakbo ka man... hindi ka na nya hahabulin.
aquarius: hanggang tingin ka na lang... hindi na sya mapapasaiyo.
so! hindi talaga pu-pwede. hindi ko na ipipilit at baka dumugo pa. mahirap ang pinupwersa ang mga bagay-bagay eh. may sasakit at sasakit, may masasaktan at masasaktan. kaya pala hindi mo na ko kinikibo... nahihiya ka ba sa mga pinagsasasabi mo nung mga nakaraang araw? hah! dapat lang noh... although i was definitely flattered i was not the least bit happy with what you want me to be in your life... fubu... fuck-buddy... oh, wag mo na i-deny. yun din naman ang labas ko eh kung pumayag ako sa gusto mo... hay! pero i was so tempted... ang cute mo kasi eh...
ngunit nanaig ang dakila kong pagmamahal para sa aking sinisinta... hay! kung di ko lang sya talaga mahal... kung libre lang ako eh wala sanang problema... kaya ngayon eh dinedema mo na ko... kasi hanggang tingin ka na lang dahil hindi ako mapapasaiyo...
at ako?
singtulin man ng mrt ang takbo ko... keber na habulin mo ko...
scorpio: tumakbo ka man... hindi ka na nya hahabulin.
aquarius: hanggang tingin ka na lang... hindi na sya mapapasaiyo.
so! hindi talaga pu-pwede. hindi ko na ipipilit at baka dumugo pa. mahirap ang pinupwersa ang mga bagay-bagay eh. may sasakit at sasakit, may masasaktan at masasaktan. kaya pala hindi mo na ko kinikibo... nahihiya ka ba sa mga pinagsasasabi mo nung mga nakaraang araw? hah! dapat lang noh... although i was definitely flattered i was not the least bit happy with what you want me to be in your life... fubu... fuck-buddy... oh, wag mo na i-deny. yun din naman ang labas ko eh kung pumayag ako sa gusto mo... hay! pero i was so tempted... ang cute mo kasi eh...
ngunit nanaig ang dakila kong pagmamahal para sa aking sinisinta... hay! kung di ko lang sya talaga mahal... kung libre lang ako eh wala sanang problema... kaya ngayon eh dinedema mo na ko... kasi hanggang tingin ka na lang dahil hindi ako mapapasaiyo...
at ako?
singtulin man ng mrt ang takbo ko... keber na habulin mo ko...
boys will be boys
bakit ka ganyan?! kulang pa ba ang binigay kong pagmamahal, kalinga at atensyon para pagsalitaan mo ko ng ganyan? kulang pa ba lahat ng sakripisyo, ng sama ng loob? kulang pa ba ang pag-ibig na binibigay ko sa'yo para isipin mong iiwan kita at sasama ko sa iba? mukha ba kong pokpok para isipin mong konting kalabit lang ng lalaki eh bibigay ako? kung pokpok ako eh gasgas na sana ko nung nakuha mo ko... pero alam mong ikaw lang. ikaw lang ang mahal ko... at hindi kita iiwan ng paganun-ganun lang....
isa ka pa... sumasabay ka sa boypren kong isa't kalahating engot!... feeling mo ba eh bibigay ako sa paanyaya mo? sorry. casual sex has never been my thing. oo, brutal ako magsalita. i'm loud but i know my limits. i'm sorry but i have never given myself for free. not even to someone with such a pretty face as yours. sayang ka talaga... laki ng panghihinayang ko sa'yo... crush kita eh. i guess, looks really do deceive...
ang boypren kong mahal insecure... ikaw naman sobrang secure! hay! bakit ba kayong mga lalake eh ganyan?! at kami pang mga babae sinasabihan n'yong mahirap ispelengin ha!*sigh*
isa ka pa... sumasabay ka sa boypren kong isa't kalahating engot!... feeling mo ba eh bibigay ako sa paanyaya mo? sorry. casual sex has never been my thing. oo, brutal ako magsalita. i'm loud but i know my limits. i'm sorry but i have never given myself for free. not even to someone with such a pretty face as yours. sayang ka talaga... laki ng panghihinayang ko sa'yo... crush kita eh. i guess, looks really do deceive...
ang boypren kong mahal insecure... ikaw naman sobrang secure! hay! bakit ba kayong mga lalake eh ganyan?! at kami pang mga babae sinasabihan n'yong mahirap ispelengin ha!*sigh*
taguan
sige... laro tayo... ikaw, ako at ang "friend" mo... taguan tayo... ang mahuli, syempre, taya... unahan kayong mahuli ako. yan, eh kung papahuli nga ako...
sige... landian tayo... ikaw at ako lang... kasi wala kamo "friend" mo eh... madali naman ako kausap. harutin mo ko, tingnan mo kung harutin kita... tingnan mo kung patulan kita...
bilib din talaga ko sa'yo... lakas ng appeal mo, promise!... kaya, sige... laro tayo...tingnan natin kung magkahulihan tayo ng loob. tandaan mo lang na walang pikunan 'to. tandaan mo lang na may boyfriend ako...
type mo din ako?! o, kala ko ba eh "friend" mo lang ang may gusto sa'kin? bakit ngayon eh nakiki-ride ka?
ahh.. kasi wala sya...okay... sex? ano kamo? ah... yan ba ang gusto mo?hmmmm...cute ka... type kita...
sige... pag-iisipan ko...
sige... landian tayo... ikaw at ako lang... kasi wala kamo "friend" mo eh... madali naman ako kausap. harutin mo ko, tingnan mo kung harutin kita... tingnan mo kung patulan kita...
bilib din talaga ko sa'yo... lakas ng appeal mo, promise!... kaya, sige... laro tayo...tingnan natin kung magkahulihan tayo ng loob. tandaan mo lang na walang pikunan 'to. tandaan mo lang na may boyfriend ako...
type mo din ako?! o, kala ko ba eh "friend" mo lang ang may gusto sa'kin? bakit ngayon eh nakiki-ride ka?
ahh.. kasi wala sya...okay... sex? ano kamo? ah... yan ba ang gusto mo?hmmmm...cute ka... type kita...
sige... pag-iisipan ko...
all apologies
i didn't mean for you to read his text message. i didn't mean to keep this from you. it's just that i know you will take this the wrong way... so what's the point of telling you? either way you'll be mad. just like you are right now...
you embarrassed me twice now. all because some guy told me he and his friend are attracted to me sexually. that is not my fault . i know i am not beautiful and i am not sexy. so don't blame me if they see me as a "sexual goddess" despite my dark skin, plain face, and bloated body. i didn't ask him to IM me and tell me all sorts of things about him and his friend. i didn't want any of this and didn't mean for this to happen...
i truly am sorry.
i'm sorry if i keep on thinking that i'm not your priority. i'm sorry i'm demanding. i'm sorry i keep begging for your attention and time. i'm sorry i kept this from you. i'm sorry i made you mad...
i'm sorry i can't stop myself from texting him back. i'm sorry i kept replying to his IM. i'm sorry i'm flattered by his attentions. i'm sorry i'm thrilled by his words. i'm sorry for thinking about him all the time. i'm sorry i like him... i'm sorry i never told him about you...
i'm so very sorry...
you embarrassed me twice now. all because some guy told me he and his friend are attracted to me sexually. that is not my fault . i know i am not beautiful and i am not sexy. so don't blame me if they see me as a "sexual goddess" despite my dark skin, plain face, and bloated body. i didn't ask him to IM me and tell me all sorts of things about him and his friend. i didn't want any of this and didn't mean for this to happen...
i truly am sorry.
i'm sorry if i keep on thinking that i'm not your priority. i'm sorry i'm demanding. i'm sorry i keep begging for your attention and time. i'm sorry i kept this from you. i'm sorry i made you mad...
i'm sorry i can't stop myself from texting him back. i'm sorry i kept replying to his IM. i'm sorry i'm flattered by his attentions. i'm sorry i'm thrilled by his words. i'm sorry for thinking about him all the time. i'm sorry i like him... i'm sorry i never told him about you...
i'm so very sorry...
Introducing: Taltos
nakakagulat ka. hindi ko alam na ganyan ka pala... makulit, nakakatuwa, nasa loob ang kulo. hay! nabuhay na namang magmuli ang paghanga ko sa'yo. and cute-cute mo talaga! dati pa crush na kita kaya lang may girlfriend ka nun eh... tsaka may boyfriend ako. ngayon, libreng-libre ka na. wala na kayo eh. pero kami pa rin ni boyfriend, stronger than ever.
ano?! sexually attracted ang "friend" mo sa kin?hus! baka ikaw lang yon!... ahahhaahha...apollo ba kamo ang pangalan nya? talaga lang ha... ako naman si venus... ahahahahahaha...
tuwang-tuwa ako makipag-usap sa'yo. nakakakilig... crush kasi kita eh. pihadong manlalaki butas ng ilong ng boyfriend ko sa galit pag nalaman n'ya 'to pero ala ko pakialam. bakit? di na ba ako pwede magka-crush??? crush lang naman eh. tsaka hindi naman ako ang tipo mo di ba? yung "friend" mo lang ang may gusto sa 'kin.
ha?!ano number ko? pinatatanong ng friend mo kung open-minded ako sa sex?! aba... iba na 'ata ito ah. oo. open-minded ako sa sex. pag-uusapan lang naman pala eh. at eto nga pala number ko. textmates? oo, bah! textmates lang naman pala eh...
uuwi ka na? sige... kita-kits na lang ha.
hay! ang cute mo talaga! u make me so kilig!!!
ano?! sexually attracted ang "friend" mo sa kin?hus! baka ikaw lang yon!... ahahhaahha...apollo ba kamo ang pangalan nya? talaga lang ha... ako naman si venus... ahahahahahaha...
tuwang-tuwa ako makipag-usap sa'yo. nakakakilig... crush kasi kita eh. pihadong manlalaki butas ng ilong ng boyfriend ko sa galit pag nalaman n'ya 'to pero ala ko pakialam. bakit? di na ba ako pwede magka-crush??? crush lang naman eh. tsaka hindi naman ako ang tipo mo di ba? yung "friend" mo lang ang may gusto sa 'kin.
ha?!ano number ko? pinatatanong ng friend mo kung open-minded ako sa sex?! aba... iba na 'ata ito ah. oo. open-minded ako sa sex. pag-uusapan lang naman pala eh. at eto nga pala number ko. textmates? oo, bah! textmates lang naman pala eh...
uuwi ka na? sige... kita-kits na lang ha.
hay! ang cute mo talaga! u make me so kilig!!!
big girls don't cry
i hate going to hospitals. i hate going to clinics. i hate having to see a doctor, especially a dentist. i hate sitting on a cold chair, talking with a complete stranger about whatever problems you are having. that's why i want someone with me. i want you with me.
you are my strength, my refuge. despite that little voice in my head saying "c'mon ice, you can do this. you're tough. you don't need him.", i still would ask you each time i have an appointment with the doctor to come with me. out of the ten times i asked you, you refused 6 times.
that hurt.
and now, i am going to find myself once again walking by myself towards my doctor's clinic, saying to myself "it's ok. everything is going to be all right." i'll clasp my hands together because yours won't be there for me to reach and cling to. i'd sigh and wish it was you who was comforting me and not myself.
i'm tough and i'd be able to go thru this alone. i've been thru meaner, scarier situations alone and have survived. but sometimes... sometimes i wish there was someone with me to hold my hand and say " don't worry. it's gonna be all right. "
you are my strength, my refuge. despite that little voice in my head saying "c'mon ice, you can do this. you're tough. you don't need him.", i still would ask you each time i have an appointment with the doctor to come with me. out of the ten times i asked you, you refused 6 times.
that hurt.
and now, i am going to find myself once again walking by myself towards my doctor's clinic, saying to myself "it's ok. everything is going to be all right." i'll clasp my hands together because yours won't be there for me to reach and cling to. i'd sigh and wish it was you who was comforting me and not myself.
i'm tough and i'd be able to go thru this alone. i've been thru meaner, scarier situations alone and have survived. but sometimes... sometimes i wish there was someone with me to hold my hand and say " don't worry. it's gonna be all right. "
the cost of love
trish, xbox, pie, biba and i were happily chatting our working hours away, discussing everything from the latest office rumors to the mundane details of everyday survival. the importance of regular visits to an ob-gyne came up and it is at this time that trish suddenly said that the cost of love is too high for us women...
this made me stop and think: is it really?
love, of course, is invaluable. therefore, one cannot simply put a price on it and sell it off (although, i've always heard of stories such as these...). But when you think about the time, the money, the gifts...doesn't all those add up to the cost of loving someone? you stand there naked, giving everything that you could:your life, your money, your heart, your body, your everything... all in the name of love.
these thoughts made me realize that i am so very much different from the person i was before i feel into the romantic abyss. the way i act and dress are still the same. i am still me but not quite... some of my views regarding certain issues have changed and i have come to learn the meaning of "compromise".
jLo said love don't cost a thing. he certainly wouldn't have to keep me iced and i wouldn't spend his cash. i don't certainly want to drive his benz and i don't need a floss. even if he's broke, i'd still love him... and that is going to cost me.
this made me stop and think: is it really?
love, of course, is invaluable. therefore, one cannot simply put a price on it and sell it off (although, i've always heard of stories such as these...). But when you think about the time, the money, the gifts...doesn't all those add up to the cost of loving someone? you stand there naked, giving everything that you could:your life, your money, your heart, your body, your everything... all in the name of love.
these thoughts made me realize that i am so very much different from the person i was before i feel into the romantic abyss. the way i act and dress are still the same. i am still me but not quite... some of my views regarding certain issues have changed and i have come to learn the meaning of "compromise".
jLo said love don't cost a thing. he certainly wouldn't have to keep me iced and i wouldn't spend his cash. i don't certainly want to drive his benz and i don't need a floss. even if he's broke, i'd still love him... and that is going to cost me.
roughly a year and a half ago, on my first day of training for the company i'm currently working for, i felt this sudden urge to go online and chat. i used to be a chat addict. i was driven to meet people online, hoping that one of them would be him.
but after my half-baked relationship with nhell, i totally lost my taste for romance. i once again became this cynical bitch who thought that love and hearts are only great for selling hallmark cards. then that night, april 29th... i met this guy online. his nickname caught my attention: keith_is_cute.
the rest is history....
but after my half-baked relationship with nhell, i totally lost my taste for romance. i once again became this cynical bitch who thought that love and hearts are only great for selling hallmark cards. then that night, april 29th... i met this guy online. his nickname caught my attention: keith_is_cute.
the rest is history....
bakit ba may mga tao na 'pag nag-away sila ng dyowa nya eh sa iba ibinubunton? tulad nitong ka-opisina ko. broken-hearted daw sya eh. well, mukha naman. but not because she's broken-hearted means she should break other people's hearts as well!
lahat ng tao pinuna nya. sinabihan nya ng mali ang ganito sa ginawa, dapat ganun ang sinabi mo. sobrang subsob sya sa trabaho. she is drowning herself with work in the hopes that this will distract her from what she is missing with all her heart, her "sweetie".
yuck!
i am not perfect. neither is she. i guess it's only normal that when you feel bad you want to take it out on the next person. i have matured enough to know that this should not be so. her being a force to reckon with in our team should know that as well. she is handling a group of adults, not children.
hay naku!*sigh*... bahala na sya sa buhay nya. matanda na sya eh. at ako eh medyo may edad na rin... so since i'm more in a position to understand... ok. i'll understand her.
on the condition that i will never come to her for anything ever again.
hmp!
lahat ng tao pinuna nya. sinabihan nya ng mali ang ganito sa ginawa, dapat ganun ang sinabi mo. sobrang subsob sya sa trabaho. she is drowning herself with work in the hopes that this will distract her from what she is missing with all her heart, her "sweetie".
yuck!
i am not perfect. neither is she. i guess it's only normal that when you feel bad you want to take it out on the next person. i have matured enough to know that this should not be so. her being a force to reckon with in our team should know that as well. she is handling a group of adults, not children.
hay naku!*sigh*... bahala na sya sa buhay nya. matanda na sya eh. at ako eh medyo may edad na rin... so since i'm more in a position to understand... ok. i'll understand her.
on the condition that i will never come to her for anything ever again.
hmp!
bati na kami ni DK... but i am far from feeling well. it's not because i'm harboring any ill-feelings for him still but rather, i've been hit with a couple of toxic stuff lately. i was suffering from a bad case of LBM when i found out that P broke up with her boyfriend of ten years... she was crying all over the office... ='(... and then i had to take two days off at work 'cause i busted my throat real bad...
so DK, being the sweet boyfriend that he is, stayed over my place to play nurse...but despite that i still feel bad because my throat hurts and i feel for P...
on a positive note though, i have finished up the modifications on our team blog. i am just so good at this!
so DK, being the sweet boyfriend that he is, stayed over my place to play nurse...but despite that i still feel bad because my throat hurts and i feel for P...
on a positive note though, i have finished up the modifications on our team blog. i am just so good at this!
nag-away kami ni DK kagabi...
sya kasi eh... parang ala na syang gana kausapin ako. yun bang kausap mo sya pero ala syang "amor" na magkwento. ewan ko ba kung dala lang 'to ng hormonal imbalance ko o ano... pero hindi sya dating ganito...i feel taken for granted. he is secure with the knowledge that no matter what happens, i'll always be there for him. the question is not if i'll jump when he says "jump" but how high i'll jump when he says so. sadly, i do not have the same luxury. i cannot take him for granted becuase i know that i could lose him at any moment. call me paranoid or whatever but that's how much i value him and his presence in my life. kahit sanlaksang "i love you" pa ang sabihin nya... kahit ilang beses nya ulitin na hindi nya ko iiwan... pwedeng bukas magbago ang ihip ng hangin... baka bukas hindi na nya ko mahal... baka bukas, kunin na sya ng tadhana sa kin...
bakit ganon ang mga lalake? sa umpisa sobrang caring, attentive... pero pag matagal na kayo parang it all becomes a routine. my friends say this is only normal, a phase all couples go thru, that the solution is up to the couple. a relationship is a mutual commitment. people who are in a relationship work together to solve their problems, to keep the ball rolling... to keep the flames alive. in a perfect world, this may all be true.
hindi perpekto ang mundo kaya hind rin perpekto ang mga tao. kaya wala ring perpektong relasyon.... kaya rin ba ganun ang mga lalaki at ganito ang mga babae?...siguro...
sana tumawag na sya... i miss him na eh...*sigh*
sya kasi eh... parang ala na syang gana kausapin ako. yun bang kausap mo sya pero ala syang "amor" na magkwento. ewan ko ba kung dala lang 'to ng hormonal imbalance ko o ano... pero hindi sya dating ganito...i feel taken for granted. he is secure with the knowledge that no matter what happens, i'll always be there for him. the question is not if i'll jump when he says "jump" but how high i'll jump when he says so. sadly, i do not have the same luxury. i cannot take him for granted becuase i know that i could lose him at any moment. call me paranoid or whatever but that's how much i value him and his presence in my life. kahit sanlaksang "i love you" pa ang sabihin nya... kahit ilang beses nya ulitin na hindi nya ko iiwan... pwedeng bukas magbago ang ihip ng hangin... baka bukas hindi na nya ko mahal... baka bukas, kunin na sya ng tadhana sa kin...
bakit ganon ang mga lalake? sa umpisa sobrang caring, attentive... pero pag matagal na kayo parang it all becomes a routine. my friends say this is only normal, a phase all couples go thru, that the solution is up to the couple. a relationship is a mutual commitment. people who are in a relationship work together to solve their problems, to keep the ball rolling... to keep the flames alive. in a perfect world, this may all be true.
hindi perpekto ang mundo kaya hind rin perpekto ang mga tao. kaya wala ring perpektong relasyon.... kaya rin ba ganun ang mga lalaki at ganito ang mga babae?...siguro...
sana tumawag na sya... i miss him na eh...*sigh*
life is just so full of possibilities. therefore, each day we face limitless options.
should i go to work or not? should i take a shower or not? should i do this or not?.... choices, choices, choices... life is one grand mall where we move about, brush against each other while we are shopping for choices.
i've been thinking about switching jobs. should i make the move or no?... i didn't really want to be in the career i am now, but for some reason.. maybe, by force of habit... i have come to accept the kind of work that i have. i'm not happy with it but to some extent, i am contented with what i'm doing for a living.
lately, that doesn't seem to be enough.*sigh*
should i go to work or not? should i take a shower or not? should i do this or not?.... choices, choices, choices... life is one grand mall where we move about, brush against each other while we are shopping for choices.
i've been thinking about switching jobs. should i make the move or no?... i didn't really want to be in the career i am now, but for some reason.. maybe, by force of habit... i have come to accept the kind of work that i have. i'm not happy with it but to some extent, i am contented with what i'm doing for a living.
lately, that doesn't seem to be enough.*sigh*
x marks the spot...
i already had a feeling that i'm gonna see someone i don't wanna see on my to DK's school. and see her i did, while i was watching my beloved wolf down his share of our lasagna, she walked past us... looking at rows upon rows of pastries and desserts...
TINA. DK"s ex. ugh... thank goodness i was already done with my dinner. i would have lost all appetite at the sight of her...
i am not bitter. nope. i am mad... because she has this sickening ability of making me feel second-rate... that i am second-best... and looking at her, walking pretty as you please down the aisle towards the counter i noticed that she's thin. so thin. a lot thinner than i saw her last. great. now i feel not only second-rate, i feel fat and bloated and sooooooo sick of her...
i finally made a vow, as i saw her go out of the restaurant, that i am going to diet and exercise till i am, god-willing, the sexiest woman to ever walk this darn planet!hah!
nemo once asked me asked me if i'll be ever over TINA. yes, i will i said to her... when she's six feet under.
and NO i am not bitter.
TINA. DK"s ex. ugh... thank goodness i was already done with my dinner. i would have lost all appetite at the sight of her...
i am not bitter. nope. i am mad... because she has this sickening ability of making me feel second-rate... that i am second-best... and looking at her, walking pretty as you please down the aisle towards the counter i noticed that she's thin. so thin. a lot thinner than i saw her last. great. now i feel not only second-rate, i feel fat and bloated and sooooooo sick of her...
i finally made a vow, as i saw her go out of the restaurant, that i am going to diet and exercise till i am, god-willing, the sexiest woman to ever walk this darn planet!hah!
nemo once asked me asked me if i'll be ever over TINA. yes, i will i said to her... when she's six feet under.
and NO i am not bitter.
cute mouse clock
i have casperbooh13 of blogskins to thank for the cute, little mousy thing. it kinda makes you feel dizzy 'cause there's that thing on the outside that goes round and round... but it's cool altogether... thanks casperbooh!!!
no. this new template is not it but i'm sticking with this one on the basis that the less complicated, the better. if i hadn't gotten attached to this darn image, then i would have gotten the perfect skin for this blog. i don't think i would even have changed the way this blog looked like if i haven't grown attached to this picture.
anyway... the less time i have to edit my blog template, the more time i have to write on my blog. what's the use of a perfect-looking blogsite if it doesn't have any content on it, right?...
*sigh*. so i'm sticking with this one... for now.
anyway... the less time i have to edit my blog template, the more time i have to write on my blog. what's the use of a perfect-looking blogsite if it doesn't have any content on it, right?...
*sigh*. so i'm sticking with this one... for now.
still under construction... =(
i know i don't have much of a following but for the few friends who are religiously visiting my blog, i apologize for the inconvenience. i have tried my hand at dreamweaver and failed. albeit, not miserabley, but i failed just the same...
i am trying a couple of blogskins and hopefully, one will be it.
this is proving to be such a harrowing experience. pretty much like trying to find mr.right in time for christmas so you wouldn't spend the holidays out on the cold...
i am trying a couple of blogskins and hopefully, one will be it.
this is proving to be such a harrowing experience. pretty much like trying to find mr.right in time for christmas so you wouldn't spend the holidays out on the cold...
under construction
my blogsite is undergoing a major over-haul. i am so excited... please visit the soon-to-be eternal child of nocturne blogsite... *_*
Q and A
am i or am i not?... that is the question. should we or shouldn't we? could we or couldn't we?so many questions but the answers are so few so the song goes. but in our case, there are hardly any answers. in fact, there are none.
it's because we're scared. we keep asking questions, looking for signs. but the answers have always been there, staring us at the face. we see them but refuse to recognize them. because we're scared.
we're scared to face the truth, afraid of what the answers will bring. we're frightened by the decisions we have to make once we've come face to face with the awful reality that won't go away.
we are waiting for the sign. holding our breaths for the inevitable. wishing, hoping and praying with all our might that it isn't just around the corner after all...
neo was right. the problem is choice.
we start our day by choosing whether to get up and go to work or spend the day sleeping. we then decide if we are going to stick with the pinstriped suit or the black and white ensemble. then we think about whether we will take the bus or the train. later on we opt to have lunch at the office canteen instead of at mcdonald's. come nighttime, we think about whether we will go out and unwind or go straight home to sleep.
a bigger problem though would be if you can't make a choice. you're stuck, frustrated because you can't make up your mind. you can't move to the next square 'cause you don't know whether you will move to the square on your right or that one on your left.
bottom line: the problem is choice.
deathwish
i'm scared...scared that what i wished for so much a couple of years ago, when i was depressed, lonely, and up to my neck in family troubles is about to come true:death
when i am rolling about, vomiting, and nauseous, i remember that time, about 5 or 8 years ago... i was lying on my bed, crying. my parents and sister just had another ugly fight. my mom tried to commit suicide by jumping off our second floor window. i felt so bad i wanted it all to end. i wanted to die. i wished i would die 'cause i thought that if i did, then maybe my family would stop fighting with each other.
i've always told my friends to be careful what they wish for 'cause it just might come true. don't know why i didn't take heed of that advice myself.
i'm scared... scared that my wish is finally coming true.
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