my sister's husband came over to our place yesterday... no. i won't start on my sister. not today. i want to give myself a break. i'll be putting all my family worries on the back burner for now. i'm thinking about the vacant positions available for the taking in the office. should i go for it? should i wait it out?

my heart palpitates just thinking about sending in my resume. i want to be the next senior rep or team lead here in the office. i know that i'll be able to do the job real well but... i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll be measured and weighed and found lacking. i'm scared that i won't be able to fulfill my superiors' expectations. my head will definitely be above my heart when i go for either senior rep or tl position. i know that i am not the only worthy candidate. in fact, there are a lot of reps here that would probably fit the bill better... but oh! i really want it...

let me pause in silence for a little soul-searching...

i don't feel like doing anything today. i don't want to work. i don't want to read. i don't want to watch anything. i just want to sit and stare and think. my head is filled with thoughts of what i want to do, what i need to do, what i can do and what i can't. i feel like it's about ready to explode. my head is tired and all i want to do today is to sit and stare and listen to my heart.

i want to stay still and hear my heart beat. i want to listen to its thoughts and what it's trying to say. i want to know if it's still happy. if it's as tired beating as my mind is tired of thinking.

there are so many things i want done but i can't seem to find the energy or dedication to finish them. all my goals seem to have gone farther from me instead of closer. i could do what i want but what i truly long for i can't even begin to start.

sad thoughts. my head and my heart, filled with sad thoughts and unfulfilled longings. all sad thoughts. no wonder i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to do anything anymore.

i am stuck once again with no luck at finding the back door.

umalis na si geisha sa bahay. kanina lang. inaway sila ng magaling kong ate. and all the while that they were getting crap from my sister, i was getting the same from her thru text messages.

sabi ni ate bastos daw dahil gabi na eh ang ingay-ingay pa daw. kesyo yung mga sapatos eh diretso lang hanggang kwarto. kesyo ang ingay pag umaakyat sa hagdanan kahit na alam na maynatutulog... o sige na. sige na... so maingay sila, magulo at mahilig manood ng tv hanggang madaling araw. eh ok lang naman yon di ba? kasi gising sila hanggang madaling araw eh. yung mga sapatos naman eh wala na kami dapat pakialam kung iakyat dun sa kwarto nila. they are renting that room so they could do anything they please with that room. labas na kami doon. isa pa, hindi naman kasi sya dapat nandito eh.

that's the main point. she shouldn't be bothered by any of geisha's habits because she isn't supposed to be staying long in the house. she should be back to bacolod by now. but she opted to leave her kids and stay here despite knowing there is no place for her to sleep here. and now she's creating such a riot.

ang ayos at linis ng bahay bago sya dumating. ngayon ang dumi-dumi na. at wag nya sabihin na kasalanan nina geisha yun dahil mga kaldero at gamit nya ang nakakalat sa kusina at banyo. tingin ko nagawa lang sya ng dahilan para umalis sina geisha. masama man sa loob ko, pinaalis ko na sila kesa naman pag-initan pan ng hudas kong kapatid. alam ko naman na gusto ng maldita kong kapatid na umalis sina giesha para sya naman ang matulog dun sa kwarto nung mga yon. o siguro, may nakausap sya na kasundo nya na magre-renta dun sa kabilang kwarto.

hay! stress talaga!!!

i don't want to be paranoid but knowing how my sister's devious mind works, she will soon have me and keith packing. yep. no doubt about that. susulsulan sya ng mga demonyo naming kamag-anak na paalisin ako at tulad ng ginawa nya kina geisha, maghahabi sya ng kwento sa nanay ko. magrereklamo ng kesyo ganito at ganun ako. well, we won't be sisters if i don't have a devious mind myself. panahon na para ipahati ang lupa namin sa makati. o siguro dapat ibenta na lang. at tingnan natin kung san sya tatakbo pag wala na talaga syang matitirhan dito. pasensyahan kami pareho.

ang bilis ng panahon. mga tatlong linggo na rin ang kapatid ko dito sa maynila. sa loob ng 3 linggong iyon nagawa nyang makapag-ayos ng negosyo nya at maibenta ang halos lahat ng gamit sa bahay namin. yung tv rack, yung washing machine (na tita ni keith ang bumili), yung kabinet, pati na yung sofa set na regalo sa nanay ko binenta nya. grabe nga daw makabenta ng gamit ang kapatid ko eh sabi ni keith. parang hikahos na hikahos daw sa pera. eh hindi nga ba?! anyway, she was able to send money to her kids and she even got her daughter a cellphone. it's not bad... not bad at all...

PERO ang dumi ng bahay. as in! nagkalat ang mga gamit ng kapatid ko sa sala. yung mga pinaglutuan nya ng tinda nya eh umaabot hanggang sa may hagdanan at banyo namin. hay! ang banyo!isang malaking EWWW!!! tulad ng nakagawian ng ate ko eh iniiwan lang nya yung hinubad nya dun. keber na may kasama syang hindi nya kamag-anak sa bahay!

oh well... some things never change. my sister is too set in her ways to EVER change them. she will never listen to my mom or to me or my dad. she will never learn to accept her mistakes but would rather blame it on others. but i'm happy that she's trying to stand up on her own and provide for her children. maybe i shouldn't be too quick in my judgment. maybe she will change for the better.

i hope so. for my darling nieces' and nephew's sake. i hope so.

but i won't hold my breath...