i had a little chat with one of the newbies here in our team. apparently, she was once an officemate of my friend claire. not only was she an officemate, she also happens to be a confidante of claire's. she told me stories about how claire was at their office, her relationship with her husband and kids, her financial difficulty, her miscarriage... she told me things i didn't know. she spoke about incidents claire didn't tell me or laiza.

i saw claire a few months ago and i asked her if she was happy. she said it was difficult at times but she's happy. i took her word for it despite the heaviness in my heart. i felt her pain. the intangible connection we had that has sustained our relationship over the years has not been diminished by my resentment. i still feel her. i still feel for her. i looked into her beautiful eyes and saw thru the lie.

maybe she is happy amidst all the problems she has. we all have various levels of contentment and happiness. maybe she's happy with taking care of a husband and rearing children. maybe she's content with what she's doing with her life. maybe she's ok and i'm just thinking she's not because i think that having a husband and children at such a young age is inappropriate. i love her and what i wanted for her was to have a stable job and enjoy the fruits of her labor. i wanted her to enjoy having her own money. we both were always in need of cash when we were in school. we both wanted to get away from our parent's grasp, live freely and spend our money the way we see fit. i think she deserves better things that what she has now. i feel that she deserves someone better. but loving someone doesn't mean we know what's best for them or what makes them happy. i suppose it's time to let go of our broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. it's useless anyway. none of it will do anyone good.

she celebrated her 24th birthday last sunday, october 24. i was in the office and she doesn't have a cellphone so i wasn't able to greet her. i hope she had a happy birthday. a truly very happy birthday. i plan to ask her sometime soon. if she says she was then i'll take her word for it.

naiinis ako kay keith.

correction!

galit ako sa kanya.

hmp!

at hindi dahil sa nanakaw ang cellphone nya (na cellphone ko talaga dahil pinahiram ko sa kanya yon). galit ako kasi sinungaling sya. hmp! the nerve!!!

at sya pa ang may ganang mainis sa kin at sabihan ako na hindi ako nakakaintindi. hah! sya kaya ang maghintay buong magdamag para sa taong hindi naman pala darating. o kaya naman eh darating nga, lasing naman.

okey... okey. so he didn't ask me to wait up for him. but he called me at 3am, when i was slowly drifting to sleep and said that he'll be coming home. that he'll buy food and we'll eat together. so stupid little me decided to keep awake and wait.

and wait...

and wait some more...

ayan... gising na ang nanay nya tsaka kuya nya... ayan... umalis na kuya nya. hmmm... 4:30 na... umabot na siguro sya sa laguna... baka pabalik na sya ng muntinlupa... matawagan nga. ano ba ito? mga babaeng nagtatawanan lang naririnig ko... hmmm...

fine! matutulog na lang ako...

5am... uyyy... text... nasa bus na daw sya... grabe... 2 oras sya nag-instay ng bus? saan sya pupunta? sa pangasinan?...pipilitin ko matulog... promise!

515am...uyyy... si byron... o, nanakaw ang cellphone ni keith!... hah! karma. sinungaling kasi! ano ba naman kasi yung sabihin nya na iinom sila di ba? eh di hindi ko na sana sya hinintay at tinawagan. eh di hindi sana sya nagkukumahog na umuwi at sumakay ng bus. eh di sana nakapili sya ng bus na walang sakay na mandurukot (kung meron mang ganung bus sa metro manila!).

tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa kin na hindi ako marunong umintindi?! baka ikaw... insensitive ka kasi. sabagay... dati na naman eh.

so ang ending... ang lalaking pakakasalan ko, insensitive!

hmmm... parang di ko feel yon... hmmm...

maybe we should call off the wedding...

hmmm...

125lbs.

i am nine months away from the date we've set for the wedding. i have nine months to lose about 20 friggin' pounds. i need to or the gown might not fit. worse, i might end up looking like miss piggy on a wedding dress. or maybe a wedding dress with a pig. oink oink!

i weighed myself yesterday and surprise! surprise! i am 125lbs. crap! crap! crap!

i saw laiza last friday to hand over the cute, adorable kitten my supervisor gave me and the first words out of her mouth were: "what's wrong with you? are you pregnant?". cripes. everybody seems to think i am 'cause i am just so... big. fat. flabby. crap! crap! crap!

i am starting to get worried really. i wanna lose weight. i feel that this is also the reason why i haven't had my period yet. the preg kit returned a negative result and my ob just patted my hand and said not to worry. i am usually delayed and that might be just it. but what if i am not?!!

oh... i want to cry and scream all over the place. this must be pms. yah. the longest-running, most miserable pms ever. i'm fat. i feel bloated. i'm irritable. worse, i can't stop eating!!!

oh crap!

crap!crap!crap!

sunday night with keith

ice is leafing thru a dictionary. beside him is keith, playing diablo.

keith: hah! sige... bigyan mo ko ng kahit anong word dyan sa dictionary. i'm sure alam ko yan!

ice: sige. commodious.

keith: ha? ano yon?

mwahahahahaha!... i just love this guy...

the saga

i am depressed.

i have been eating more then normal, sleeping more than usual. i can't get my ass off to do anything. even going to the bathroom to answer the call of nature seems such a task. i haven't blogged for ages... no doubt about it. i'm depressed. and this has nothing to do whatsoever with keith and our upcoming wedding. that's the only thing that's going for me right now. what's bugging me is work. it's no longer... uhmmm... fun? productive? interesting? all of the above?

it all started with my aspirations to be the next senior rep or team lead. i applied, was interviewed and was denied the position. it seems quick and painless but it's not like that at all. i applied knowing full well what i am up against. i had my head above my heart. i knew there's 50-50 chance that i'd get in. i gave the interview my best shot. but i suppose my best was not enough. management chose 3 people among the applicants to be the next senior reps and team lead. and i wasn't on the list.

i spoke to my manager about it. why wasn't i considered? he couldn't look me in the eye and tell it straight to my face. all i was asking was simple enough to my thinking. was it because my performance paled in comparison to the other applicants? was it because i am too "assertive"? am i pushy? what? why wasn't i up there with the other 2? what's wrong with me? it's like a break up scene. boy is breaking up with girl and girl is asking herself and the boy... what did i do wrong? why are you leaving me?

a day after speaking with my manager, i got an email from my supervisor. she said that i have shown great dependability and that i did great during the interview. she said i am a valued member of the team and that they would like to see me take on new challenges. ok. so i'm a valued team player and that i aced the interview. my question was still unanswered... why didn't i land the position?

i have been in the call center business as level one representative for 3 years now. whatever goals i have set for myself, whatever assignment i have been given by my team lead... i have fulfilled these duties. and i believe i have performed them well. otherwise, i would have been told so. i am eager for new tasks and responsibilities. work is becoming boring and i want to take on new challenges to liven it up. how can i if no one will give me the chance?

i suppose it's asking too much, to have a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful career at the same time. no one can have the best of both worlds, that's what they say. i'm not asking for that either way. i'm just surprised and saddened by the turn of events. knowing how my mind works, i'll be back up in no time. i just need to get over this phase.

i hope it's just a phase.