the saga

i am depressed.

i have been eating more then normal, sleeping more than usual. i can't get my ass off to do anything. even going to the bathroom to answer the call of nature seems such a task. i haven't blogged for ages... no doubt about it. i'm depressed. and this has nothing to do whatsoever with keith and our upcoming wedding. that's the only thing that's going for me right now. what's bugging me is work. it's no longer... uhmmm... fun? productive? interesting? all of the above?

it all started with my aspirations to be the next senior rep or team lead. i applied, was interviewed and was denied the position. it seems quick and painless but it's not like that at all. i applied knowing full well what i am up against. i had my head above my heart. i knew there's 50-50 chance that i'd get in. i gave the interview my best shot. but i suppose my best was not enough. management chose 3 people among the applicants to be the next senior reps and team lead. and i wasn't on the list.

i spoke to my manager about it. why wasn't i considered? he couldn't look me in the eye and tell it straight to my face. all i was asking was simple enough to my thinking. was it because my performance paled in comparison to the other applicants? was it because i am too "assertive"? am i pushy? what? why wasn't i up there with the other 2? what's wrong with me? it's like a break up scene. boy is breaking up with girl and girl is asking herself and the boy... what did i do wrong? why are you leaving me?

a day after speaking with my manager, i got an email from my supervisor. she said that i have shown great dependability and that i did great during the interview. she said i am a valued member of the team and that they would like to see me take on new challenges. ok. so i'm a valued team player and that i aced the interview. my question was still unanswered... why didn't i land the position?

i have been in the call center business as level one representative for 3 years now. whatever goals i have set for myself, whatever assignment i have been given by my team lead... i have fulfilled these duties. and i believe i have performed them well. otherwise, i would have been told so. i am eager for new tasks and responsibilities. work is becoming boring and i want to take on new challenges to liven it up. how can i if no one will give me the chance?

i suppose it's asking too much, to have a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful career at the same time. no one can have the best of both worlds, that's what they say. i'm not asking for that either way. i'm just surprised and saddened by the turn of events. knowing how my mind works, i'll be back up in no time. i just need to get over this phase.

i hope it's just a phase.