i am annoyed with keith.


i was hoping that he would be dropping by my place this afternoon. well, thank god i didn't hold my breath. 'cause if i did, i won't be here ranting and raving now.


i absolutely hate it when i get all my hopes up and then wham! it was all for nothing.


ok. so maybe it's not keith's fault. this is all my fault.


once again, i am falling down that pit of dependency. though i find it lonely to be on my own, well, i'd rather be alone than continually depend on someone. if there is any lesson i've learned in life, it is that no matter how many friends you have or how much your family loves you, it's not right to depend on any of them. because sooner or later, life is gonna screw you up. and you'll be as you always have been. alone.


so i don't like depending on people. then keith came along. and i got into this routine of relying on him. glorying on the idea that for the first time, i have someone i can lean on. but, as usual, life steps in and i realize that i am becoming more and more of a burden to him. he has his review and his family to think about. he doesn't need someone like me slowing him down.


i would leave him now if only i could. i would set him free from carrying me around if only i could be unselfish enugh. but i just can't.


and maybe that's why, once again, i am acting like a goddamned irrational bitch.


i miss him. i am just dying to see him. but silly me, i won't. i have got to get out of this pit. i have got to stand up and be whole... without him.