the bride was late for her wedding.
to no fault of hers. the rental car took its sweet time in picking her up at the hotel. but everyone, including the nervous groom, thought that she had decided to leave him at the altar. it would be fitting revenge given what happened to them last year. but no. that issue has long been settled between them. she was just fashionably late. she usually is for everything else in her life. why not at her own wedding?
the bride had nothing to look forward to in her wedding. she's been saying so to her best friends weeks before it was set to take place. her parents weren't able to make it due to financial difficulties. money was tight. she and her fiance were not seeing eye to eye anymore. some anonymous person was stalking her blog telling her to think twice about trying the knot. her migraine was back full force. worse of all, one of her best friend's sister died the same day her fiance's grandmother was rushed to the hospital and was buried the same day as her wedding day. yes. absolutely nothing to look forward to.
the bride wanted nothing more but to wallow in misery and despair. the wedding was costing her too much. it has cost her a very good friend. but she saw how another friend worked hard to make sure she has a place to stay the night before the wedding. she made sure the bride's beauty kit was in order. she gave the bride tips on how to slim down, told her what cream to put in her underarm so it'll be at its whitest and smoothest on her big day, threatened the anonymous stalker at the bride's blog to extinction, and plain told her to "chillax" while they were having their nails done and their eyelashes permed. her godmother and godfather volunteered themselves to walk her down the aisle in place of her parents. her fiance was up to his neck in debt to pay for the wedding. everything has been paid for her. everything has been done for her. her other friends, those who have never stepped foot in alabang their whole lives waved at her from the pew they occupied at the church. the wedding was at eight in the morning and everyone woke up early, dressed in their best and went to her wedding. she looked around her and everybody was busy trying to make this one, momentous event in her life truly happy and beautiful. and she just didn't have the heart to break theirs by screaming to hell with the wedding.
so... she quit crying and smoking in the corner of the car. she got out of the bridal car. straightened her wedding gown and took the arm her handsome godfather offered to her. her godmother took her other arm and the three of them walked down the aisle. her groom looked so happy and relieved to take her hand at the altar. she said her vows, smiled and posed for pictures. she smiled some more at the reception, wined, dined, laughed, joked and took part in the good time everyone was having.
at the end of the day, the bride told her groom how she didn't quite expect the wedding to turn out so wonderfully. but it did. it was one of the best days in her life. it was the happiest and the saddest. the most bittersweet. she remembered what her friend told her... happiness is always a trade off. the bride thought the price she paid for the happiness she had on her wedding day was pretty steep. but choices had been made and there was no going back.
she looked at the wedding ring on her finger and sighed. try as she might, things will never be the same for her...
happy sad
pwede ka ba maging masaya at malungkot ng sabay?
ako oo.
nang makita ko ang anak nya, sobrang saya ko. kamukhang-kamukha nya. ilong pa lang, hindi na maitatanggi. heheheehee...
nang makita ko kung sino ang ina na bumuhat sa anak nya nalungkot ako. bakit sya pa?
pero andito na eh... ano pa ba ang pwedeng magawa.
masaya ko dahil nagka-baby na siya sa wakas. malungkot dahil alam ko na hindi nya makukuha ang alam kong talagang gusto nya.
ako oo.
nang makita ko ang anak nya, sobrang saya ko. kamukhang-kamukha nya. ilong pa lang, hindi na maitatanggi. heheheehee...
nang makita ko kung sino ang ina na bumuhat sa anak nya nalungkot ako. bakit sya pa?
pero andito na eh... ano pa ba ang pwedeng magawa.
masaya ko dahil nagka-baby na siya sa wakas. malungkot dahil alam ko na hindi nya makukuha ang alam kong talagang gusto nya.
i find myself visiting friendster less and less these days. i plain hate it sometimes. and it's all because of you. yes... you. you, of all people. but then again, why not you? i don't think i care about anyone else as much as i care about you.
i envy them, your friends and your so-called friends. buti pa sila. you could write them glowing testimonials. you go out of your way to tell them how good they are, how happy you are to be with them... how it is such a pleasure knowing them, being in their company. pero sa akin, may nasabi ka ba? wala. have you ever told me how intelligent i am? how nice i could be when i want to? or how about how strong i could be when the situation calls for it?
WALA. lagi na lang WALA. pakiramdam ko, lagi na lang ako huli sa buhay mo. pamilya mo, kaibigan mo, trabaho mo, ako. minsan, pakiramdam ko, pampalipas-oras na lang ako para sa'yo. someone to make you laugh, someone to boost your ego, someone to take care of you when no one else is, someone to keep you warm at nights...
yeah. you tell me i'm beautiful. but, funny as this may sound, i know that already. hindi mo naman ako papatulan kung pangit ako di ba? i may not be as glamorous or attractive as your other friends, but i do look ok. hindi naman kahiya-hiya ang hitsura ko sa lipunan di ba?
i could go on and on about this issue but i won't. i refuse to be sad now, the same way i refuse to be bitter. i have a lot of things going for me and the last thing i need is someone who claims to love me so much but can't be bothered to say one good thing about me. i don't need someone who does not see or maybe, refuses to see, my value. affirmation goes a long, long way. some things may go without saying, but most of the time, one kind word will do the trick.
someday... someone just might beat you right to it.
=============
P.S. to YOU... yes, YOU... just in case you happen to read this post. i just want to make it clear: hindi ako nagrereklamo. hindi ako naghahanap. and i'm definitely NOT nagging you. this is my blog and i am merely voicing out my hurts. you cannot help who and what you are. kung ganito ka talaga magmahal o kung hanggang dito lang ang kaya mo... okay lang. hindi kita paghahanapan ng iba.
mahal kita... at mamahalin kita hangga't kaya ko sa tanging paraang alam ko.
i envy them, your friends and your so-called friends. buti pa sila. you could write them glowing testimonials. you go out of your way to tell them how good they are, how happy you are to be with them... how it is such a pleasure knowing them, being in their company. pero sa akin, may nasabi ka ba? wala. have you ever told me how intelligent i am? how nice i could be when i want to? or how about how strong i could be when the situation calls for it?
WALA. lagi na lang WALA. pakiramdam ko, lagi na lang ako huli sa buhay mo. pamilya mo, kaibigan mo, trabaho mo, ako. minsan, pakiramdam ko, pampalipas-oras na lang ako para sa'yo. someone to make you laugh, someone to boost your ego, someone to take care of you when no one else is, someone to keep you warm at nights...
yeah. you tell me i'm beautiful. but, funny as this may sound, i know that already. hindi mo naman ako papatulan kung pangit ako di ba? i may not be as glamorous or attractive as your other friends, but i do look ok. hindi naman kahiya-hiya ang hitsura ko sa lipunan di ba?
i could go on and on about this issue but i won't. i refuse to be sad now, the same way i refuse to be bitter. i have a lot of things going for me and the last thing i need is someone who claims to love me so much but can't be bothered to say one good thing about me. i don't need someone who does not see or maybe, refuses to see, my value. affirmation goes a long, long way. some things may go without saying, but most of the time, one kind word will do the trick.
someday... someone just might beat you right to it.
=============
P.S. to YOU... yes, YOU... just in case you happen to read this post. i just want to make it clear: hindi ako nagrereklamo. hindi ako naghahanap. and i'm definitely NOT nagging you. this is my blog and i am merely voicing out my hurts. you cannot help who and what you are. kung ganito ka talaga magmahal o kung hanggang dito lang ang kaya mo... okay lang. hindi kita paghahanapan ng iba.
mahal kita... at mamahalin kita hangga't kaya ko sa tanging paraang alam ko.
grooove to a different mooove
started work with a new company last monday, october 17. now isn't that a nice coincidence? 17 happens to be one of my favorite numbers. i won a lunch bag that day. i was dressed real nice. damn! i look good. =D not as pretty as those other girls but definitely better.
i'm looking forward to more of work. i have plans of becoming a performance coach or maybe a trainer. i'm going to pursue my dreams of being certified in spanish. i'm intent on saving money just for the heck of it and also, to help me when chin and i would build ashira's world. i'm going to pay off my debts as soon as i start receiving my pay regularly. i'm also redoing my wardrobe. chin said i need more pizazz. yah. i need some P on my sass. hehheheeeh. so i gave my old tank tops away, kept the ones i can't live without. i'll be buying blouses from now on. i have to anyway. we have a dress code in the office to follow.
i'm holding court at Middle Earth for now. with Darth of course. we're doing well. having fun with each other, enjoying each other's company, wallowing in some good, imperfectly perfect love. pain is a thing of the past but the lessons are remembered. Weekends are spent with chin and cokie at Olympus. conversations with pims are few and far between but full of affection and common sense. i take everything one day at a time. i only have one goal: settle down. with myself. make peace with everything and everyone. no need to pick up the pieces. i am reinventing myself. i'm moving to a different groove now.
it feels good to be able to say this once again: life is good.
i'm looking forward to more of work. i have plans of becoming a performance coach or maybe a trainer. i'm going to pursue my dreams of being certified in spanish. i'm intent on saving money just for the heck of it and also, to help me when chin and i would build ashira's world. i'm going to pay off my debts as soon as i start receiving my pay regularly. i'm also redoing my wardrobe. chin said i need more pizazz. yah. i need some P on my sass. hehheheeeh. so i gave my old tank tops away, kept the ones i can't live without. i'll be buying blouses from now on. i have to anyway. we have a dress code in the office to follow.
i'm holding court at Middle Earth for now. with Darth of course. we're doing well. having fun with each other, enjoying each other's company, wallowing in some good, imperfectly perfect love. pain is a thing of the past but the lessons are remembered. Weekends are spent with chin and cokie at Olympus. conversations with pims are few and far between but full of affection and common sense. i take everything one day at a time. i only have one goal: settle down. with myself. make peace with everything and everyone. no need to pick up the pieces. i am reinventing myself. i'm moving to a different groove now.
it feels good to be able to say this once again: life is good.
Funny, but I've just realized that this song has been playing in the background as my life came undone, unfolded and rearranged itself.
White Flag
-Dido-
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will
All that was there Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be...
White Flag
-Dido-
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will
All that was there Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be...
One Step Forward
This is a song that Cokie introduced to me. It's by her, or rather, our favorite group, Hi5.
One Step Forward
-Hi5-
Don't be afraid to try something new
Don't stop yourself from being 'you'
If you can't do it this way,then try another way and keep on saying 'I can do'
Dare yourself to jump up high,take your feet off the
ground,and reach for the sky....
(Take) one step forward,don't look back
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help, then I'm here for you
keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
Whatever's in your wildest dream
Whatever's in your heart of hearts
Let yourself dream it,let yourself try it
There's no way of stopping you
Just keep on saying 'I can do it'
and watch your dreams come true
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
I can do this,I can do that
Just watch me and see
I can do lots and lots and lots of things
more than I ever believed (2x)
(Take) one step forward,don't look back
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help, then I'm here for you
keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
I love you Cokie...*hugs*
One Step Forward
-Hi5-
Don't be afraid to try something new
Don't stop yourself from being 'you'
If you can't do it this way,then try another way and keep on saying 'I can do'
Dare yourself to jump up high,take your feet off the
ground,and reach for the sky....
(Take) one step forward,don't look back
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help, then I'm here for you
keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
Whatever's in your wildest dream
Whatever's in your heart of hearts
Let yourself dream it,let yourself try it
There's no way of stopping you
Just keep on saying 'I can do it'
and watch your dreams come true
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
I can do this,I can do that
Just watch me and see
I can do lots and lots and lots of things
more than I ever believed (2x)
(Take) one step forward,don't look back
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help, then I'm here for you
keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through
I love you Cokie...*hugs*
Main Entry: Displaced Person
Main Entry: displaced person
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: individual forced to leave his or her native country or home; To move or shift from the usual place or position, especially to force to leave a homeland, i. e. millions of refugees who were displaced by the war.
Synonyms: DP, D.P., exile, expatriate, man without a country, persona non grata, stateless person, unacceptable person, undesirable,aimless, confused, cool, discontinuous, disordered, displaced, disunited, divided, far out, fitful, fuzzy, inchoate, incoherent, incohesive, irrational, loose, muddled, rambling, separated, spaced out, spacey, spasmodic, split, unattached, unconnected, unorganized
and the list goes on to about 14 other more entries for the word displaced. and yes, mari, i could figure it out.
a good friend of mine said that i could do whatever the hell i like with my life so long that i am happy. that whether i choose to move back in with darth, or if i run around in circles moving from one house to another, or if i shift from one job to next, or if i choose to slit my throat... it's fine. so long as i would be happy.
am i happy? some days, i am. do i choose to be unhappy some days? no. but if you are living in a roach and rat infested tiny house with no company but your books and a small radio, you would definitely feel a little blue. when you get to thinking about what you had then (which was a lot) and what you have now (which is very little), i'm sure you'd feel a little sad about about the way things turned out. why do i choose to live in squalid little house? because i have pride. i do not want to bother anyone for any more help and a little squalid house is all i can afford now, so it's what i'm going to have to settle for and live in.
everything in life is a choice. how true. that's exactly what neo said: "the problem is choice." i am now in the midst of choosing between what i want, what i am getting and what i am willing to settle for. now, do i really have a choice?
what i want most is to be able to stand on my own two feet without having to rely on anybody because what i hate most is asking anybody for help. i don't like owing anyone anything. what i am getting right now is help from the person who hurt me the most and from a few friends i consider as family. right now, i don't want their help but i am settling with seeking their assistance because i don't have any other way to survive but to take what is freely offered.
a lot of people will disagree when i say i have not lost my self-respect. but it was my self-respect that carried me along from breaking it off with him to making tiny steps to move on. if i didn't love and respect myself, i would have killed myself four months ago. if i didn't love and respect myself, i would have been conveniently living in his house while i am still out of a job, regardless of the fact that he supposedly loves someone else. why did i take him back? because i believe that someone you have given your everything to is worth giving a second chance.
we all have one life to live. one heaven or one hell. am i living my life the way Bathala sees fit? let's see: i engage in pre-marital sex; i have a dirty mind and a dirtier mouth; i smoke a lot; i drink a lot;i forget to keep in touch with my friends and family; and the list of my sins go on. i know i make Bathala cringe but i also know that somehow, someway, i make Him proud. I'm sure that when He sees me, He shrugs and says:"there goes cecille, ever so strong, just keeping the stride despite all the burden. there she goes loving everyone, passionately and unconditionally."
=================
misplaced
adj 1: put in the wrong place or position; "She was penalized for a spelling mistake or a misplaced accent" 2: lost temporarily; as especially put in an unaccustomed or forgotten place; "the mislaid hat turned up eventually"; "misplaced tickets" [syn: mislaid]
i am no longer displaced. just misplaced. and i am working bit by bit to regain my rightful place. anyone can come and judge me, make fun or talk about what happened to me. but please... before you pass judgment, before you say anything, make sure you have gone thru what i have gone thru: no job, no house, no family, no boyfriend, no money. and then... go fish and figure.
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: individual forced to leave his or her native country or home; To move or shift from the usual place or position, especially to force to leave a homeland, i. e. millions of refugees who were displaced by the war.
Synonyms: DP, D.P., exile, expatriate, man without a country, persona non grata, stateless person, unacceptable person, undesirable,aimless, confused, cool, discontinuous, disordered, displaced, disunited, divided, far out, fitful, fuzzy, inchoate, incoherent, incohesive, irrational, loose, muddled, rambling, separated, spaced out, spacey, spasmodic, split, unattached, unconnected, unorganized
and the list goes on to about 14 other more entries for the word displaced. and yes, mari, i could figure it out.
a good friend of mine said that i could do whatever the hell i like with my life so long that i am happy. that whether i choose to move back in with darth, or if i run around in circles moving from one house to another, or if i shift from one job to next, or if i choose to slit my throat... it's fine. so long as i would be happy.
am i happy? some days, i am. do i choose to be unhappy some days? no. but if you are living in a roach and rat infested tiny house with no company but your books and a small radio, you would definitely feel a little blue. when you get to thinking about what you had then (which was a lot) and what you have now (which is very little), i'm sure you'd feel a little sad about about the way things turned out. why do i choose to live in squalid little house? because i have pride. i do not want to bother anyone for any more help and a little squalid house is all i can afford now, so it's what i'm going to have to settle for and live in.
everything in life is a choice. how true. that's exactly what neo said: "the problem is choice." i am now in the midst of choosing between what i want, what i am getting and what i am willing to settle for. now, do i really have a choice?
what i want most is to be able to stand on my own two feet without having to rely on anybody because what i hate most is asking anybody for help. i don't like owing anyone anything. what i am getting right now is help from the person who hurt me the most and from a few friends i consider as family. right now, i don't want their help but i am settling with seeking their assistance because i don't have any other way to survive but to take what is freely offered.
a lot of people will disagree when i say i have not lost my self-respect. but it was my self-respect that carried me along from breaking it off with him to making tiny steps to move on. if i didn't love and respect myself, i would have killed myself four months ago. if i didn't love and respect myself, i would have been conveniently living in his house while i am still out of a job, regardless of the fact that he supposedly loves someone else. why did i take him back? because i believe that someone you have given your everything to is worth giving a second chance.
we all have one life to live. one heaven or one hell. am i living my life the way Bathala sees fit? let's see: i engage in pre-marital sex; i have a dirty mind and a dirtier mouth; i smoke a lot; i drink a lot;i forget to keep in touch with my friends and family; and the list of my sins go on. i know i make Bathala cringe but i also know that somehow, someway, i make Him proud. I'm sure that when He sees me, He shrugs and says:"there goes cecille, ever so strong, just keeping the stride despite all the burden. there she goes loving everyone, passionately and unconditionally."
=================
misplaced
adj 1: put in the wrong place or position; "She was penalized for a spelling mistake or a misplaced accent" 2: lost temporarily; as especially put in an unaccustomed or forgotten place; "the mislaid hat turned up eventually"; "misplaced tickets" [syn: mislaid]
i am no longer displaced. just misplaced. and i am working bit by bit to regain my rightful place. anyone can come and judge me, make fun or talk about what happened to me. but please... before you pass judgment, before you say anything, make sure you have gone thru what i have gone thru: no job, no house, no family, no boyfriend, no money. and then... go fish and figure.
i saw K in the office yesterday. i spoke with her. i felt so totally "wala lang". as in. she may be prettier, sexier, richer. she may be in a far better state than i am in. she may even still have darth's affection. yeah... at times i envy her so much it hurts. i even told darth how much i envy her. i said " it would be nice for someone to love me so much he would give up everything for me." yeah. it would be nice to find such a man...
anyway, she may be all that i could want. but i dare say that i am not so lost myself. i am cute in my own right. i am strong, a woman in a class of my own. i am smart with smarter friends who love me, care for me, and help me when i am down and out. she may have his affection until now. i could care less. i have the man. i have had his love for three years now. i am the woman he has promised forever to. i am the girl who's wearing the ring. most importantly, i never had to steal him from anyone. he was all mine to take. and he still is mine.
she was a nightmare i have woken up from. to have my beloved darth by my side when i woke up is a bonus. she was a wake up call for both of us. it taught me and darth to value each other, to take better care of our relationship and not take each other for granted.
i never thought i would learn so much from such a harrowing experience. but i am glad. i have woken up from the nightmare. i am wide awake.and regardless of whether i have my man next to me or not, i am moving on.
anyway, she may be all that i could want. but i dare say that i am not so lost myself. i am cute in my own right. i am strong, a woman in a class of my own. i am smart with smarter friends who love me, care for me, and help me when i am down and out. she may have his affection until now. i could care less. i have the man. i have had his love for three years now. i am the woman he has promised forever to. i am the girl who's wearing the ring. most importantly, i never had to steal him from anyone. he was all mine to take. and he still is mine.
she was a nightmare i have woken up from. to have my beloved darth by my side when i woke up is a bonus. she was a wake up call for both of us. it taught me and darth to value each other, to take better care of our relationship and not take each other for granted.
i never thought i would learn so much from such a harrowing experience. but i am glad. i have woken up from the nightmare. i am wide awake.and regardless of whether i have my man next to me or not, i am moving on.
the first step is always the most difficult.
i just called my TL and told him that i'm resigning. i feel bad because he's been very nice. but i don't feel bad that i've resigned from work. i'm actually relieved. it's not really for me. what's the sense of trying to be good at something your heart is just not into?
i'm scared though. i'm scared that i might end up without a job. i'm scared of running out of money. but i have to take the risk. sometimes, like what keith said, you have to take the risk and know.
*sigh* it's going to be difficult for the next few weeks. i have to learn to hold on tight to my money. i have to learn to stick to the budget. chin said: we'll make it work. yeah. i have to make it work.
i have a house now. i'm sharing it with my new friend, sam. rent is low and the house is ok. i would prefer to be in a better neighborhood, in a better house.but beggars can't be choosers right? i'm thankful i have a roof above my head. it'll do for now.
i won't start with my new work till october. i really hope it pushes thru. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. it's a better job with better pay.
and i have a house to live in now.
things are finally taking a turn for the better.
i just called my TL and told him that i'm resigning. i feel bad because he's been very nice. but i don't feel bad that i've resigned from work. i'm actually relieved. it's not really for me. what's the sense of trying to be good at something your heart is just not into?
i'm scared though. i'm scared that i might end up without a job. i'm scared of running out of money. but i have to take the risk. sometimes, like what keith said, you have to take the risk and know.
*sigh* it's going to be difficult for the next few weeks. i have to learn to hold on tight to my money. i have to learn to stick to the budget. chin said: we'll make it work. yeah. i have to make it work.
i have a house now. i'm sharing it with my new friend, sam. rent is low and the house is ok. i would prefer to be in a better neighborhood, in a better house.but beggars can't be choosers right? i'm thankful i have a roof above my head. it'll do for now.
i won't start with my new work till october. i really hope it pushes thru. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. it's a better job with better pay.
and i have a house to live in now.
things are finally taking a turn for the better.
i feel so alone at time. eventhough i'm with good company. i feel so scattered. or maybe shattered us the word. pieces of me are floating everywhere.
i'm tired. my feet are tired of walking. my mind is tired of thinking. my heart...sometimes, it feels like my heart us tired of loving.
i want to rest. some days, i juat want to sleep. just close out everything. just sleep and never wake up.
it's all so sad. my life was smooth-sailing. i was OK. now, everything just sucks. i was so sure then. now, i have no idea.
am i happy?
sometimes. some days are good. some days are bad. some days, it's the pits.
happiness is an old friend who drops by from time to time.
i'm tired. my feet are tired of walking. my mind is tired of thinking. my heart...sometimes, it feels like my heart us tired of loving.
i want to rest. some days, i juat want to sleep. just close out everything. just sleep and never wake up.
it's all so sad. my life was smooth-sailing. i was OK. now, everything just sucks. i was so sure then. now, i have no idea.
am i happy?
sometimes. some days are good. some days are bad. some days, it's the pits.
happiness is an old friend who drops by from time to time.
i get by...
i have been blessed with the most intelligent, empathetic, understanding friends. i don't get to say this to them much, but i am thankful everyday that they are at my side. they say that a friend in need is a friend indeed. along with the other lessons that i have gleaned from my recent "fall from grace", i now know who my friends are. with everything that they have done for me, especially to those two obstinate goddesses/fairy godmothers, thank you doesn't seem to be enough.
i know that they do not approve of the choices i have made. i know they want to beat some sense into me. i know thay want to kill darth so badly. para nga naman di na ko iiyak ulit. at di na ko aasa pa. but they love me so much so that they just shut up, hug me and whisper "everything's going to be all right."
so this goes out to my beloved friends, to my newfound family. i am standing tall once again, confident and full of hope, not because darth and i are together again. it's because of all of you, my fellow goddesses, that i get thru the day.
"i get by with a little help from my friends."
i know that they do not approve of the choices i have made. i know they want to beat some sense into me. i know thay want to kill darth so badly. para nga naman di na ko iiyak ulit. at di na ko aasa pa. but they love me so much so that they just shut up, hug me and whisper "everything's going to be all right."
so this goes out to my beloved friends, to my newfound family. i am standing tall once again, confident and full of hope, not because darth and i are together again. it's because of all of you, my fellow goddesses, that i get thru the day.
"i get by with a little help from my friends."
such a lovely couple...
Taken 29 June 2005 at the FBM lobby, Makati. I remember that line in Pretty Woman: " It must be difficult to let go of something so beautiful."
Ah yes... so difficult. You can put all the mementos, letters, and pictures in a box. You can throw away the flowers, even the dried ones you have so lovingly collected. You can take off the ring that he promised forever with. You can put everything in a pile and burn them...
Yet, a blast of cold air would remind you of how he held you close in his arms; how he kissed your shivers away; how he would carry you on his back when you can't or won't walk anymore. How he would dance with you under the moonlight and hum. How he would tickle you till you cry with laughter. You try and turn away, willing everything that reminds you of how good it all was to go away. You shut your eyes tight, hoping it's not his face you would see in your mind.
But it still is.
And even if you don't want to. You remember.
We make such a lovely couple. We make such a good team, great partners. All of our family, friends, and acquaintances say so. I think we are. Or rather, we were.
And that is why it is so difficult to let go. Dahil sayang...sayang.It was all good. Even now, it is still good.
Kaya kahit na may mga araw na gusto ko na siyang isuko, kalimutan... hindi ko magawa. Sayang...
Sayang.
This is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movies, My Sassy Girl. Who would've thought I'd ever be singing it with so much fervor and feeling? It's in Korean,by the way, and the following is the translation.
I Believe
I believe
That although you are gone
This cannot be the end, can it?
I believe
That your journey back to me
Is just delayed, isn't it?
I remember so well
That I hurt myself as I cry
I hope you don't cry as I do
I hope you won't cry as you leave
I know you will return someday
Because I believe
I will wait for you, just you
I believe you should not cry
When you think about my pain
I believe my tears will bring you back to me
My eyes cannot forget
That it is you who make them cry
I hope you don't cry as I do
I hope you won't cry as you leave
I know you will return someday
Because I believe
Before I met you
The world was not so beautiful
Beneath the same sky
All alone I cry
But I will wait here
Just for you
Even if waiting is hopeless
It's already enough
To think of love
Time means nothing to me
I will wait for you, just you...just you
I Believe
I believe
That although you are gone
This cannot be the end, can it?
I believe
That your journey back to me
Is just delayed, isn't it?
I remember so well
That I hurt myself as I cry
I hope you don't cry as I do
I hope you won't cry as you leave
I know you will return someday
Because I believe
I will wait for you, just you
I believe you should not cry
When you think about my pain
I believe my tears will bring you back to me
My eyes cannot forget
That it is you who make them cry
I hope you don't cry as I do
I hope you won't cry as you leave
I know you will return someday
Because I believe
Before I met you
The world was not so beautiful
Beneath the same sky
All alone I cry
But I will wait here
Just for you
Even if waiting is hopeless
It's already enough
To think of love
Time means nothing to me
I will wait for you, just you...just you
stranded on the same ground
My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would've
wanted it until there was you.
Because i have learned that love is beyond
what human can imagine,
the more it clears the more i have to let you go.
[Chorus:]
But now i don't understand why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and
lied. but why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?
My love because i have learned that love is a
word gets thrown a little bit too much.
the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
i never have to if all else fail
would you be there to love me?
when all else fail, would you be brave to see right
through me?
why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground?
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would've
wanted it until there was you.
Because i have learned that love is beyond
what human can imagine,
the more it clears the more i have to let you go.
[Chorus:]
But now i don't understand why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and
lied. but why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?
My love because i have learned that love is a
word gets thrown a little bit too much.
the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
i never have to if all else fail
would you be there to love me?
when all else fail, would you be brave to see right
through me?
why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground?
the one
i got this in the mail today:
LADIES.....
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,
who wants to show you off to the world
when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you
of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends
And says, "...that's her."
he used to feel this way about me... maybe even now.but who's to tell? only he holds the answer. my beloved.
GUYS...
Find a i am the girl who calls you baby faced
instead of hot or sexy
who i can't stand it when you hang up on
her me and calls right back,
who i would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who i doesn't don't care what you look like, but what's
inside counts the most,
Who i looks at you with the twinkle in her my eyes and
kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips,
i Wants to be with you in public, even if you wear
those old grass stained and ripped pants with the
bleached jersey like always,
Wait for i am the girl who is a constant reminder of
your happiness and joy, who makes you smile just
by knowingshe i loves you back.Wait for i am the girl who you give piggy back rides to
in public andshe i still is in view of her my friends,
whileshe i gets off and you hear her me go: "you're
the one for me, for always"
he is all these and more to me. " you're the one for me, for always. "
siempre te amare, mi amor.mi querido.
LADIES.....
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,
who wants to show you off to the world
when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you
of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends
And says, "...that's her."
he used to feel this way about me... maybe even now.but who's to tell? only he holds the answer. my beloved.
GUYS...
instead of hot or sexy
inside counts the most,
kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips,
i Want
those old grass stained and ripped pants with the
bleached jersey like always,
your happiness and joy, who makes you smile just
by knowing
in public and
while
the one for me, for always"
he is all these and more to me. " you're the one for me, for always. "
siempre te amare, mi amor.mi querido.
for My Beloved Darth
Find Me Here, Speak To Me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light, That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light, That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
he terminado.
it is done.
i have packed all my belongings and left. with my head held high, tears streaming down my face. i left with all my earthly possessions,in a van provided for by my fellow goddesses. like what chin said... a goddess should always leave with as much grace and poise as possible. and i did.
to the very last minute, my heart was filled to overflowing with love. love for the people who has become second family to me. love for the mortal i have come down from the heavens to care for, worship and adore.
the last two days have been hell... as i have expected. his mother was hurt so much by his revelation she left, unable to see me pack and eventually leave. his father, aunt, sister... his entire family shed tears for our love and parting. ah! such sorrow all for you and for her... and for me...
i have nothing more to say. just everything to feel.
he terminado.
i have packed all my belongings and left. with my head held high, tears streaming down my face. i left with all my earthly possessions,in a van provided for by my fellow goddesses. like what chin said... a goddess should always leave with as much grace and poise as possible. and i did.
to the very last minute, my heart was filled to overflowing with love. love for the people who has become second family to me. love for the mortal i have come down from the heavens to care for, worship and adore.
the last two days have been hell... as i have expected. his mother was hurt so much by his revelation she left, unable to see me pack and eventually leave. his father, aunt, sister... his entire family shed tears for our love and parting. ah! such sorrow all for you and for her... and for me...
i have nothing more to say. just everything to feel.
he terminado.
walanghiyang pare ko...
ampotah talagang buhay to... ngayun ko lang na-realize. wala akong trabaho, wala akong pamilya dito, wala akong tirahan, at wala akong boyfriend. hu-waw! may makukuha pa ba sa'kin?
wala na.
ka-swerte mo talaga. tangina. love na nga kita, in-love pa ko sa'yo. tsk!tsk! lahat na isinuko ko sa yo. letseng pag-ibig 'to...
sabi ni k. ang swerte ko daw kasi ang dami kong kaibigan na nagmamahal sa kin at nagpo-protekta sa 'kin. pero yun ang pinakamasakit... dahil ang pinakamamahal ko ang wala sa tabi ko... kinuha mo kasi...
ayoko na umasa na babalik pa siya. pero hindi ko lolokohin ang sarili ko at sasabihin na hindi nga ako umaasa. it's the hope that he would return to me that keeps me going everyday. gusto ko nang itigil ang lahat pero hindi ko kaya. ganun siguro talaga ang pagmamahal. love moves in mysterious ways sabi nga ng kanta. you want to give up and yet, day after day, you find it within yourself to move on. you wake up hoping he will text you, tell you all sorts of things... maybe one lie after another... and still you find reason to believe each and everyone of them. you find it in your heart, day after day to love him more and more.
ampotang pag-ibig 'to!! " kung kelan ka naging seryoso saka ka nya gagaguhin!!! "
wala na.
ka-swerte mo talaga. tangina. love na nga kita, in-love pa ko sa'yo. tsk!tsk! lahat na isinuko ko sa yo. letseng pag-ibig 'to...
sabi ni k. ang swerte ko daw kasi ang dami kong kaibigan na nagmamahal sa kin at nagpo-protekta sa 'kin. pero yun ang pinakamasakit... dahil ang pinakamamahal ko ang wala sa tabi ko... kinuha mo kasi...
ayoko na umasa na babalik pa siya. pero hindi ko lolokohin ang sarili ko at sasabihin na hindi nga ako umaasa. it's the hope that he would return to me that keeps me going everyday. gusto ko nang itigil ang lahat pero hindi ko kaya. ganun siguro talaga ang pagmamahal. love moves in mysterious ways sabi nga ng kanta. you want to give up and yet, day after day, you find it within yourself to move on. you wake up hoping he will text you, tell you all sorts of things... maybe one lie after another... and still you find reason to believe each and everyone of them. you find it in your heart, day after day to love him more and more.
ampotang pag-ibig 'to!! " kung kelan ka naging seryoso saka ka nya gagaguhin!!! "
i stumbled upon this interesting piece while looking for song lyrics. it tackles a very interesting subject: love vs. being in-love.
-------
NLOVE ka ba or LOVE mo sya? kala ko dati pareho lang pero iba pala!! basahin para
maliwanagan naman tayo.
"It's definitely different when you love someone and when you're inlove with someone"
explanation: alin nga ba ang mas malalim? Loving someone or Being in love with someone? marami sa atin ang na confuse tungkol dito.
Ikaw ba ay may girlfriend o boyfriend ngayon? Mahal mo ba siya pero parang may isang
tao na parang mahalaga din sayo? o may mahal ka na akala mo eh mahal mo nga siya
pero meron ka pa rin isang tao na minamahal ng totoo?
Kapag love mo ang isang tao masaya ka...Feeling mo ok na ang lahat...pero ang ma-inlove ka, ang siyang pinakamasakit sa lahat!
Kasi ang mga taong inlove ay ang mga taong nag-sasakripisyo at nagpaparaya. Teka bakit ka nga ba nagpaparaya? Dahil ba hindi ka niya mahal o dahil hindi ka siguradong ok lang sa kanya?
Kung yan ang dahilan mo, walang duda na inlove ka nga sa kanya. Kasi iniisip mo kung anong meron kayo sa ngayon ang tanging mahalaga at kontento ka na. Pero isipin mo paano kung mawala ang taong yon at talagang hindi na kayo mag-usap at magkita,kaya mo ba?
Paano naman kung sayo siya inlove at ibinigay niya ang lahat para sayo pero hindi mo napahalagahan ang lahat ng ito kaagad! Paano kung isang araw naguluhan na siya sayo ng husto at maisipang lumayo na lang?
Paano kung sa sobrang pagiging iba (indifferent) mo sa kanya di ka na niya kausapin at tuldukan na niya ng tuluyan kung ano na ang meron kayo?
Then bigla mong na realize kung gaano ka importante sayo ang bawat isa kaya lang
wala na siya!
Kaya mo ba?
Kung hindi ang sagot mo, malinaw na inlove ka nga...
Paano naman pag mahal mo lang, kapag mahal mo lang, alam mo na palagi kang may choice,ayaw mo siyang mawala dahil alam mong wala kang ipapalit. Yung masaya ka sa kanya pero sa gabi hindi naman siya ang iniisip mo. Mahal mo siya pero aminado ka sa sarili mo na balang araw hindi siya ang pakakasalan mo. Mahal mo siya pero ang puso mo hindi lang pra sa kanya..
Mahal mo at masasaktan ka pagnawala siya pero alm mo na kaya mo yon.
Ngayon anong nararamdaman mo ngayon: DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE or YOU'RE INLOVE WITH
SOMEONE?
Isang araw magigising ka na lang na INLOVE ka na nga pero kahit anong gawin mo ay huli na. Dahil maaaring yung taong INLOVE din sayo ay wala na pala.
Tandaan mo: Masyadong mapaglaro ang puso huwag tayo magpaloko!!!
We learn to love someone pero minsan lang dumating sa atin ang pagkakataong ma-inlove!!!
Kaya kapag dumating ito, ano ang gagawin mo?
Post mo ulit ito at tulungan natin na maliwanagan ang iba...
This is real, nkatulong na ito sa iba, at ito ang naging dahilan para masabi
niya ang totoo sa taong inlove siya.
-----
Sana sa kin sya in-love...
-------
NLOVE ka ba or LOVE mo sya? kala ko dati pareho lang pero iba pala!! basahin para
maliwanagan naman tayo.
"It's definitely different when you love someone and when you're inlove with someone"
explanation: alin nga ba ang mas malalim? Loving someone or Being in love with someone? marami sa atin ang na confuse tungkol dito.
Ikaw ba ay may girlfriend o boyfriend ngayon? Mahal mo ba siya pero parang may isang
tao na parang mahalaga din sayo? o may mahal ka na akala mo eh mahal mo nga siya
pero meron ka pa rin isang tao na minamahal ng totoo?
Kapag love mo ang isang tao masaya ka...Feeling mo ok na ang lahat...pero ang ma-inlove ka, ang siyang pinakamasakit sa lahat!
Kasi ang mga taong inlove ay ang mga taong nag-sasakripisyo at nagpaparaya. Teka bakit ka nga ba nagpaparaya? Dahil ba hindi ka niya mahal o dahil hindi ka siguradong ok lang sa kanya?
Kung yan ang dahilan mo, walang duda na inlove ka nga sa kanya. Kasi iniisip mo kung anong meron kayo sa ngayon ang tanging mahalaga at kontento ka na. Pero isipin mo paano kung mawala ang taong yon at talagang hindi na kayo mag-usap at magkita,kaya mo ba?
Paano naman kung sayo siya inlove at ibinigay niya ang lahat para sayo pero hindi mo napahalagahan ang lahat ng ito kaagad! Paano kung isang araw naguluhan na siya sayo ng husto at maisipang lumayo na lang?
Paano kung sa sobrang pagiging iba (indifferent) mo sa kanya di ka na niya kausapin at tuldukan na niya ng tuluyan kung ano na ang meron kayo?
Then bigla mong na realize kung gaano ka importante sayo ang bawat isa kaya lang
wala na siya!
Kaya mo ba?
Kung hindi ang sagot mo, malinaw na inlove ka nga...
Paano naman pag mahal mo lang, kapag mahal mo lang, alam mo na palagi kang may choice,ayaw mo siyang mawala dahil alam mong wala kang ipapalit. Yung masaya ka sa kanya pero sa gabi hindi naman siya ang iniisip mo. Mahal mo siya pero aminado ka sa sarili mo na balang araw hindi siya ang pakakasalan mo. Mahal mo siya pero ang puso mo hindi lang pra sa kanya..
Mahal mo at masasaktan ka pagnawala siya pero alm mo na kaya mo yon.
Ngayon anong nararamdaman mo ngayon: DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE or YOU'RE INLOVE WITH
SOMEONE?
Isang araw magigising ka na lang na INLOVE ka na nga pero kahit anong gawin mo ay huli na. Dahil maaaring yung taong INLOVE din sayo ay wala na pala.
Tandaan mo: Masyadong mapaglaro ang puso huwag tayo magpaloko!!!
We learn to love someone pero minsan lang dumating sa atin ang pagkakataong ma-inlove!!!
Kaya kapag dumating ito, ano ang gagawin mo?
Post mo ulit ito at tulungan natin na maliwanagan ang iba...
This is real, nkatulong na ito sa iba, at ito ang naging dahilan para masabi
niya ang totoo sa taong inlove siya.
-----
Sana sa kin sya in-love...
attack of the living dead
ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng buhay na patay. o patay na buhay?... wala na kong maramdaman. naiiyak ako pero wala na kong mailabas na luha. ang bigat ng dibdib ko. nagbibiro si mari kanina. natatawa ako pero ngiti lang ang nagawa ko. nagpa-exam si el profesor sa spanish class. hindi ko malaman kung pano ko nasagot basta ipinasa ko sa kanya. sana pasado.
siguro puyat lang ako. mahigit 24 oras na kong gising. hindi ako makatulog eh. gusto ko nang matulog pero hindi ko magawa. ayaw kasi tumigil ng isip ko sa kakaisip eh.
kelan ba matatapos to?! bakit ba pag kelangan mo ng blade wala kang makita? dyaskeng naman o. ang dali-daling matapos nito. blade lang.
ang tanong, pag may blade na sa tabi ko magawa ko kaya ang kinakailangan?...malamang hindi. kasi ganun ang buhay. pag nandyan sa tabi mo, hindi mo kailangan. pag wala, hahanapin mo. parang ikaw. nasa tabi mo na nga ako eh kulang pa rin.
naglalakad ako,nagsasalita ako pero pakiramdam ko hindi ako ito. there is a huge emty feling inside me. siguro ganito ang feeling ng namamatay. so bakit pa ko papakamatay? matagal na kong namatay. kasalukuyan na kong nakaburol. ilang araw na lang... ililibing na ko.
siguro puyat lang ako. mahigit 24 oras na kong gising. hindi ako makatulog eh. gusto ko nang matulog pero hindi ko magawa. ayaw kasi tumigil ng isip ko sa kakaisip eh.
kelan ba matatapos to?! bakit ba pag kelangan mo ng blade wala kang makita? dyaskeng naman o. ang dali-daling matapos nito. blade lang.
ang tanong, pag may blade na sa tabi ko magawa ko kaya ang kinakailangan?...malamang hindi. kasi ganun ang buhay. pag nandyan sa tabi mo, hindi mo kailangan. pag wala, hahanapin mo. parang ikaw. nasa tabi mo na nga ako eh kulang pa rin.
naglalakad ako,nagsasalita ako pero pakiramdam ko hindi ako ito. there is a huge emty feling inside me. siguro ganito ang feeling ng namamatay. so bakit pa ko papakamatay? matagal na kong namatay. kasalukuyan na kong nakaburol. ilang araw na lang... ililibing na ko.
kahit ano... basta ikaw.
" and i'd do anything for you..."
your wish is my command. kaya heto ako. nakaubos na ng isang kahang yosi. nagpalipas ng gabi kasama si pims sa pansamantala kong tirahan.
marami kaming napag-usapan bukod sa iyo. naisip ko lahat ng kantang pwede kong ide-dicate sa yo. madami-dami din pala. naisip ko din kung ano ang pinakamagandang solusyon sa sitwasyon.
ano nga ba?...
alam ko na ang sagot. at alam kong hinihintay mo na lang na sabihin ko sa'yo. nararamdaman ko na buo na sa isip mo ang isang plano. palagay ko eh nakapagdesisyon ka na pero hindi mo masabi sa kin. i know you to be too much of a good man to say it to me. so what you're doing is slowly extricating yourself from me.
i am ever the contradictory person. i keep telling you that i will let you go because of my great love for you but here i am, unable to. pakiramdam ko pag pinalaya kita sa commitment mo sa kin, diretso ka na sa kanya. forever and ever till death do you part na kayo. pa'no naman ako?... pero ano pa nga ba ang mangyayari?...
wag ka mag-alala. i was little ms.independent once, i could regain that title. i will try to extricate myself from you no matter how painful. i will let you go because i cannot bear to see the man i love racked with guilt, frustration, and fear. i love you too much to just stand here and see you suffer.
kung sa pagbalik ko sa bahay nyo ay wala ka pa ring desisyon, ako na ang gagawa para sa 'ting tatlo.
may Bathala be with us.
your wish is my command. kaya heto ako. nakaubos na ng isang kahang yosi. nagpalipas ng gabi kasama si pims sa pansamantala kong tirahan.
marami kaming napag-usapan bukod sa iyo. naisip ko lahat ng kantang pwede kong ide-dicate sa yo. madami-dami din pala. naisip ko din kung ano ang pinakamagandang solusyon sa sitwasyon.
ano nga ba?...
alam ko na ang sagot. at alam kong hinihintay mo na lang na sabihin ko sa'yo. nararamdaman ko na buo na sa isip mo ang isang plano. palagay ko eh nakapagdesisyon ka na pero hindi mo masabi sa kin. i know you to be too much of a good man to say it to me. so what you're doing is slowly extricating yourself from me.
i am ever the contradictory person. i keep telling you that i will let you go because of my great love for you but here i am, unable to. pakiramdam ko pag pinalaya kita sa commitment mo sa kin, diretso ka na sa kanya. forever and ever till death do you part na kayo. pa'no naman ako?... pero ano pa nga ba ang mangyayari?...
wag ka mag-alala. i was little ms.independent once, i could regain that title. i will try to extricate myself from you no matter how painful. i will let you go because i cannot bear to see the man i love racked with guilt, frustration, and fear. i love you too much to just stand here and see you suffer.
kung sa pagbalik ko sa bahay nyo ay wala ka pa ring desisyon, ako na ang gagawa para sa 'ting tatlo.
may Bathala be with us.
me and K.
andito na sya. si K. she's sitting right in front of me. she is not the woman i thought or pictured to be. i thought she was different.
but she's just like me.
we share the same views. talk almost the same way. we have the same principles, the same moral values. she's fairer than i am, but still morena. her eyes are neither small nor big. they're just right.like mine. but her eyelashes are longer than mine. her lips thinner but just as wide as mine. her nose is a bit taller than mine. yah... she's pretty. prettier than i am.
we got to talk about things and the more we talked the more i felt like i was speaking with myself. we went down to smoke and we have the same habits. i happened to glance at her cheek, her right cheek. lo and behold! she also has a beauty mark somewhere along her right jaw line. well, well... don't i have a beauty mark on the same spot as well?
i could see why you are falling for her. she is just like me and you are falling for her the same way you fell for me. napakadali nyang mahalin. katulad ko di ba?
mahal kita at lahat ng mahal mo minahal ko. at pati si K. mamahalin ko rin. actually, we're friends now.
fate plays mortals for fools. naloloko na ata tayong 3. boyfriend kita at si K., kaibigan ko na.
the plot thickens.
but she's just like me.
we share the same views. talk almost the same way. we have the same principles, the same moral values. she's fairer than i am, but still morena. her eyes are neither small nor big. they're just right.like mine. but her eyelashes are longer than mine. her lips thinner but just as wide as mine. her nose is a bit taller than mine. yah... she's pretty. prettier than i am.
we got to talk about things and the more we talked the more i felt like i was speaking with myself. we went down to smoke and we have the same habits. i happened to glance at her cheek, her right cheek. lo and behold! she also has a beauty mark somewhere along her right jaw line. well, well... don't i have a beauty mark on the same spot as well?
i could see why you are falling for her. she is just like me and you are falling for her the same way you fell for me. napakadali nyang mahalin. katulad ko di ba?
mahal kita at lahat ng mahal mo minahal ko. at pati si K. mamahalin ko rin. actually, we're friends now.
fate plays mortals for fools. naloloko na ata tayong 3. boyfriend kita at si K., kaibigan ko na.
the plot thickens.
i'm about to meet her, the woman you are currently in-love with me. my heart is beating fast. i want to smoke but it's not allowed here in mcdo. does her heart beat fast too? is she also looking toward this meeting with trepidation?
what am i going to say to her? am i going to ask her to stay away from you? maybe. i know that's bad and selfish. but i can't afford to lose you to her.
ah! the pain! it just won't go away. it's right in the center of my heart. it sits ever so comfortably. it moves from time to time and i find myself wincing, eventually crying.
all these confusion and pain. all for you.
what am i going to say to her? am i going to ask her to stay away from you? maybe. i know that's bad and selfish. but i can't afford to lose you to her.
ah! the pain! it just won't go away. it's right in the center of my heart. it sits ever so comfortably. it moves from time to time and i find myself wincing, eventually crying.
all these confusion and pain. all for you.
ayoko na umiyak. promise! kasi alam ko nasasaktan ka pag umiiyak ako. nakakapagod na rin. luluwa na ang mga mata ko. lalo lang akong papangit.
tama na!!!
mahal kita. kahit baliktarin, alugin, basagin ang ulo ko... hindi na magbabago yon. mahal kita.
kaya tuloy hindi ko malaman ang gagawain ko na rin.
ano ba talaga?! mahal mo ba ako o siya?!!
hay naku... di bale na. baka patay na ko pag nalaman ko ang sagot.
mahal mo ko at mahal mo sya. fine! hindi kita maiwan eh. i love you too much to give you up.
they say love is a sacrifice. and so i will commit suicide. ay mali!!! sacrifice. i will commit the sacrifice.
ikaw na at ako. andito na ako sa tabi. at di na ko aalis.
tama na!!!
mahal kita. kahit baliktarin, alugin, basagin ang ulo ko... hindi na magbabago yon. mahal kita.
kaya tuloy hindi ko malaman ang gagawain ko na rin.
ano ba talaga?! mahal mo ba ako o siya?!!
hay naku... di bale na. baka patay na ko pag nalaman ko ang sagot.
mahal mo ko at mahal mo sya. fine! hindi kita maiwan eh. i love you too much to give you up.
they say love is a sacrifice. and so i will commit suicide. ay mali!!! sacrifice. i will commit the sacrifice.
ikaw na at ako. andito na ako sa tabi. at di na ko aalis.
bumuhos ang malakas na ulan kanina. hudyat na patapos na ang tag-araw. halos walang pagtila ang ulan. tulad ng mga luhang namamalisbis sa mga mata ko...
tama nga ang hinala ko. nahuhulog na ang loob mo sa kanya. paano nangyari 'to? akala ko ba ako lang ang mahal mo?... hindi mo alam kung bakit o paano, ni hindi mo alam kung ano ang plano mo...
sabi nga ni Yoda sa Star Wars, " Your fear, I sense. " alam kong nalilito ka at hindi mo malaman ang gagawin mo. guto kitang tulungan pero paano? sasabihin ko bang sumama ka sa kanya at magpakasaya? o pipigilan ba kita at sasabihin kong dito ka lang sa piling ko?...
hindi ko kailanman didiktahan ang puso mo. ikaw ang makakapagpasya kung saan ka mas liligaya. kung mas magiging masaya ka sa kanya... sige lang. 'wag mong alalahanin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko... tulad ng sinabi sa isang kanta:" ang pag-ibig kong handang ibigay kahit pa ang kalayaan mo. "
ano ang plano ko? simple. humanap ng bagong trabaho... at mahalin ka ng higit pa... yun lang naman ang alam ko e... magtrabaho at mahalin ka...
kaya itigil mo na ang pag-iisip... kalamayin mo ang iyong loob.anuman ang mangyari... hindi kita iiwan.
siempre te amare, keith. siempre...
tama nga ang hinala ko. nahuhulog na ang loob mo sa kanya. paano nangyari 'to? akala ko ba ako lang ang mahal mo?... hindi mo alam kung bakit o paano, ni hindi mo alam kung ano ang plano mo...
sabi nga ni Yoda sa Star Wars, " Your fear, I sense. " alam kong nalilito ka at hindi mo malaman ang gagawin mo. guto kitang tulungan pero paano? sasabihin ko bang sumama ka sa kanya at magpakasaya? o pipigilan ba kita at sasabihin kong dito ka lang sa piling ko?...
hindi ko kailanman didiktahan ang puso mo. ikaw ang makakapagpasya kung saan ka mas liligaya. kung mas magiging masaya ka sa kanya... sige lang. 'wag mong alalahanin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko... tulad ng sinabi sa isang kanta:" ang pag-ibig kong handang ibigay kahit pa ang kalayaan mo. "
ano ang plano ko? simple. humanap ng bagong trabaho... at mahalin ka ng higit pa... yun lang naman ang alam ko e... magtrabaho at mahalin ka...
kaya itigil mo na ang pag-iisip... kalamayin mo ang iyong loob.anuman ang mangyari... hindi kita iiwan.
siempre te amare, keith. siempre...
sa loob ng 3 taon ko sa macro, bawat party na dinaluhan ko, ikaw ang kasama ko. pero iba na ngayon... kasama mo sila... kasama ko iba...
pagpasok ni meme, nakita na niya ako. ang bungad niya ay hindi "hello". "nasan'n si keith?"
isang matamis-mapait na ngiti ang sagot ko. "ikaw talaga meme", sabi ko."andito naman ako, bakit sya pa ang hanap mo?"
unti-unting nagsidating silang lahat. nakakatawa. ikaw ang hanap nila.
paano ko ipaliliwanag na nagbago na ang lahat? paano ko sasabihin, nang walang bahid ng hinanakit, na mas pinili mo sila kaysa sa 'kin? paano ko ipaliliwanag na inurong mo ang araw ng kasal?
ngiti lang ang sagot ko sa lahat ng tanong nila. isang hithit sa hawak kong yosi. isang buga ng usok sabay lagok ng vodka ice...
pagpasok ni meme, nakita na niya ako. ang bungad niya ay hindi "hello". "nasan'n si keith?"
isang matamis-mapait na ngiti ang sagot ko. "ikaw talaga meme", sabi ko."andito naman ako, bakit sya pa ang hanap mo?"
unti-unting nagsidating silang lahat. nakakatawa. ikaw ang hanap nila.
paano ko ipaliliwanag na nagbago na ang lahat? paano ko sasabihin, nang walang bahid ng hinanakit, na mas pinili mo sila kaysa sa 'kin? paano ko ipaliliwanag na inurong mo ang araw ng kasal?
ngiti lang ang sagot ko sa lahat ng tanong nila. isang hithit sa hawak kong yosi. isang buga ng usok sabay lagok ng vodka ice...
in ada's arms
i had the pleasure of holding ada in my arms last night at chin's party. she was heavy, 30 pounds. but i welcomed her weight. i gloried on carrying her around/ she didn't seem to mind and looked as if she liked me. that made my heart swell with happiness.
i eventually had to put her down. we had to leave. i kissed her goodbye and almost cried.
i felt like i was kissing a child i will never have.
i eventually had to put her down. we had to leave. i kissed her goodbye and almost cried.
i felt like i was kissing a child i will never have.
"Mahal... Sa'n ka natulog kagabi?"
kagabi nalaman ko
ang oras bumabagal din pala
lalo na pag hinihintay kita.
kagabi napatunayan ko
mahal talaga kita
ala-una, alas dos
baka kung napano ka na.
kagabi naisip ko
mayron ka na kayang iba?
alas-tres kanina, alas-kuwatro na
kasama mo kaya kung sinuman siya?
kagabi napagtanto ko
nakakapuyat, nakakapagod mahalin ka
alas-singko kanina, alas-sais na pala
pero wala ka pa.
alas-siete na nang umaga ng dumating ka.
ipagpapasalamat ko pa ba?
naitanong ko sa sarili ko...
hanggang kailan kita mamahalin?
hindi ko alam ang sagot.
ang alam ko lang ay ang natuklasan ko
habang hinihintay kita kagabi
ang oras bumabagal palang talaga
habang minamahal kita.
ang oras bumabagal din pala
lalo na pag hinihintay kita.
kagabi napatunayan ko
mahal talaga kita
ala-una, alas dos
baka kung napano ka na.
kagabi naisip ko
mayron ka na kayang iba?
alas-tres kanina, alas-kuwatro na
kasama mo kaya kung sinuman siya?
kagabi napagtanto ko
nakakapuyat, nakakapagod mahalin ka
alas-singko kanina, alas-sais na pala
pero wala ka pa.
alas-siete na nang umaga ng dumating ka.
ipagpapasalamat ko pa ba?
naitanong ko sa sarili ko...
hanggang kailan kita mamahalin?
hindi ko alam ang sagot.
ang alam ko lang ay ang natuklasan ko
habang hinihintay kita kagabi
ang oras bumabagal palang talaga
habang minamahal kita.
the mandatory goodbye letter
pims has already posted her mandatory goodbye letter. i am still to post mine. if i ever will be posting one that is...
i don't really plan to. if i had it my way ( and if some entities in my previous company have let me) i would have left as quietly as possible. like i did the last time when i left the first call center i worked for. nobody knew i was leaving or that i have handed in my resignation. that was what i wanted this time around. but sadly, they pinched and poked me till i screamed "bloody fucking hell!!!"
it's all water under the bridge now. master lee says i should let it all go. yah... i will... i'll smile and let it go when they are
six feet under. as for the mandatory goodbye letter for my beloved teammates... none will be forthcoming. there will be no goodbye letter. there will be no goodbyes... i'll just be seeing you around...
i don't really plan to. if i had it my way ( and if some entities in my previous company have let me) i would have left as quietly as possible. like i did the last time when i left the first call center i worked for. nobody knew i was leaving or that i have handed in my resignation. that was what i wanted this time around. but sadly, they pinched and poked me till i screamed "bloody fucking hell!!!"
it's all water under the bridge now. master lee says i should let it all go. yah... i will... i'll smile and let it go when they are
six feet under. as for the mandatory goodbye letter for my beloved teammates... none will be forthcoming. there will be no goodbye letter. there will be no goodbyes... i'll just be seeing you around...
still...perfecting bumming
still working on my clearance. just a few more visits and i'll be done. thankfully!
still no work for me. there was one offer for a higher position but i vetoed it. the compensation offered sucked. *sigh* i wonder when i'll be able to work again? keith thinks i'm being a little too fickle and choosy but i don't think so. or maybe i am but i don't want to admit it. it's difficult, i'll say that much. it's difficult to leave a job where you're level one but paid as high as a level two. it's a lot more difficult to land a job that would pay you as high as your previous company and be level two.
still feel that i am better off leaving my security blanket though. it made me think of what i want to be years from now; made me want to think outside of what i have been used to. leaving my job made me dream again. now, i am able to think of what else i could do, what i want to do. i am now able to pursue my study of another language. next year, i might be able to buy that little piece of land and take up my masters.
still lacking in funds at the moment. i am close to using up what little money i have saved. trouble is brewing up in my parent's house in bacolod. my sister and her family might move back to our house in makati. jeesh. just what i need.
still staying in keith's place with his family. i don't have any choice and besides, i don't think his parents would want me to leave anymore.
still a bum and i'm fighting that feeling of hopelessness. i'm fighting the depression, that feeling of being good at nothing, that feeling of being nothing. still fighting the negativity...
good things come to those who wait.
still no work for me. there was one offer for a higher position but i vetoed it. the compensation offered sucked. *sigh* i wonder when i'll be able to work again? keith thinks i'm being a little too fickle and choosy but i don't think so. or maybe i am but i don't want to admit it. it's difficult, i'll say that much. it's difficult to leave a job where you're level one but paid as high as a level two. it's a lot more difficult to land a job that would pay you as high as your previous company and be level two.
still feel that i am better off leaving my security blanket though. it made me think of what i want to be years from now; made me want to think outside of what i have been used to. leaving my job made me dream again. now, i am able to think of what else i could do, what i want to do. i am now able to pursue my study of another language. next year, i might be able to buy that little piece of land and take up my masters.
still lacking in funds at the moment. i am close to using up what little money i have saved. trouble is brewing up in my parent's house in bacolod. my sister and her family might move back to our house in makati. jeesh. just what i need.
still staying in keith's place with his family. i don't have any choice and besides, i don't think his parents would want me to leave anymore.
still a bum and i'm fighting that feeling of hopelessness. i'm fighting the depression, that feeling of being good at nothing, that feeling of being nothing. still fighting the negativity...
good things come to those who wait.
"smile and let it go"
i am no longer working for sykes under the macromedia team for a week now. i am currently working on my clearance.
i am able to breathe a little easier now. just a few more hurdles and i'll finally be cleared from my previous company. i'll have a whole new slate to write my life on. finally.
and maybe, with time... i'll be able to just
i am able to breathe a little easier now. just a few more hurdles and i'll finally be cleared from my previous company. i'll have a whole new slate to write my life on. finally.
and maybe, with time... i'll be able to just
i am on my second week of "terminal leave". at the end of the business day of april 2, i would no longer be connected with sykes and with macromedia.
i would like to regret ever filing my resignation and deciding to leave. but i have never been one to regret anything i have done. i only regret things i have not done, things i have let pass. i know deep down that i have delayed my departure for as long as i could. i feel like a guest that have overstayed my welcome. i am glad that i am moving on... to better things? maybe... but then again, anything is better than working with... eheehhehe... no. this is not the time nor the place to write anything remorseful. besides, i would rather tell them that in person, if i ever do get the chance.
i am somewhat sad because i am leaving the people i have come to call my friends. i am leaving a group where i belong and where i am admired. i am leaving my security blanket...
i spoke with a newbie a day or two before i went on leave. he came from the company i used to work in. he said that all my batchmates in training then are now supervisors and team lead. wow... and here i am. still a level one agent. and i know that if i stay here, in my comfort zone, i will always be level one agent.
*sigh* i guess i am better off in other places. moving on, just moving on...
i would like to regret ever filing my resignation and deciding to leave. but i have never been one to regret anything i have done. i only regret things i have not done, things i have let pass. i know deep down that i have delayed my departure for as long as i could. i feel like a guest that have overstayed my welcome. i am glad that i am moving on... to better things? maybe... but then again, anything is better than working with... eheehhehe... no. this is not the time nor the place to write anything remorseful. besides, i would rather tell them that in person, if i ever do get the chance.
i am somewhat sad because i am leaving the people i have come to call my friends. i am leaving a group where i belong and where i am admired. i am leaving my security blanket...
i spoke with a newbie a day or two before i went on leave. he came from the company i used to work in. he said that all my batchmates in training then are now supervisors and team lead. wow... and here i am. still a level one agent. and i know that if i stay here, in my comfort zone, i will always be level one agent.
*sigh* i guess i am better off in other places. moving on, just moving on...
when push comes to shove
i was served with another show-cause memo today. this time, it was for being in "idle-none" for 6 freaking minutes and having the gall to tell my team lead that i fell asleep. well... it was either lie to her or just come right out and say it... so i told her i fell asleep. kasi may integridad ako...ampotang integridad yan! nagsiwalat ako ng sama ko ng loob sa kaibigan ko, wala akong integridad. nagsabi ako ng totoo sa team lead ko... mali pa rin ako.
i give up.
aside from the memo, she told me that in order for her to provide me with timely feedback, she would place me under PIP (Performance Improvement Plan). WTF?! and the things i need to improve on? Every-freaking-thing. From attendance to workflows to break skeds. Bakit kaya hindi na lang nila ako i-terminate? Eh Needs Improvement pala ako in all aspects of my work. ampotah!
i quit.
ayan na... aalis na ko. pinilit mo ako eh.
i give up.
aside from the memo, she told me that in order for her to provide me with timely feedback, she would place me under PIP (Performance Improvement Plan). WTF?! and the things i need to improve on? Every-freaking-thing. From attendance to workflows to break skeds. Bakit kaya hindi na lang nila ako i-terminate? Eh Needs Improvement pala ako in all aspects of my work. ampotah!
i quit.
ayan na... aalis na ko. pinilit mo ako eh.
the waiting game
i was interviewed last week for the Quality Assurance Coordinator position i applied to about two... maybe three months ago. it was the final interview and it took a long time for it to come by. and now... i wait...and wait... will i be part of the QA team now along with pims? i wait... but i am not holding my breath. i trusted people too much in this office... gave some people a lot more credit than they deserve. i rarely make the same mistake twice... and so i wait. breathe in, breath out.
i will wait till march 15. if i get it with pims, then good. if i don't... i'll go.
meanwhile i will wallow in depression over my fat, ugly body (entirely my own opinion, keith still thinks i'm a sexy bitch... heehhehehe), my imprudence, and the bland wedding that keith and i will have on july. *sigh*. i don't like to look at bridal magazines these days. i have found out this morning, as i passed by a magazine store on my way to work, that bridal magazines could be hazardous to my health. i glanced at them and winced as i felt this little pinch in my heart.
i have made my bed and i will lie in it. but somehow, i can't help but sigh as i lay myself on that bed. it would take a couple of twisting and turning till i find a comfortable position.
i will wait till march 15. if i get it with pims, then good. if i don't... i'll go.
meanwhile i will wallow in depression over my fat, ugly body (entirely my own opinion, keith still thinks i'm a sexy bitch... heehhehehe), my imprudence, and the bland wedding that keith and i will have on july. *sigh*. i don't like to look at bridal magazines these days. i have found out this morning, as i passed by a magazine store on my way to work, that bridal magazines could be hazardous to my health. i glanced at them and winced as i felt this little pinch in my heart.
i have made my bed and i will lie in it. but somehow, i can't help but sigh as i lay myself on that bed. it would take a couple of twisting and turning till i find a comfortable position.
Para kay... At para kay...
The Reason
-Hoobastank-
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you...
I'm NOT sorry that I hurt you
It's something I
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that
That's why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You...
and the reason is you...
and the reason is you...
and the reason is you...
I'm not a perfect person
I
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you...
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you...
I've found a reason to leave... and the reason is you...
i find myself surfing jobstreet.com more and more often these days. once in a while, i would find myself clicking on the apply button... no, these are not random trancelike acts... i am in the prowl not only for a new blogskin or layout, i am also on the lookout for a better job.
my manager, then my supervisor, informed me during one of our few verbal battles thru email that i should challenge myself and set higher standards for myself. well honey, guess what. i'm upping my standards all right. you as a superior and this company you have turned into hell-on- earth does not meet my elite criteria. so as soon as i have my hard-earned money, i'll be packing my bags and going.
my team leader, who i used to hold in such high esteem, served me with a memo last month, january. she served the memo as soon as i got back on the night shift. the tardiness i have incurred that warranted such a memo occurred between october 19 to november 19 of last year. the memo asked me to explain why i was tardy during those dates. i wrote back saying that i was demotivated and demoralized over the september promotions. i said, in not so many words, that i have lost the drive to work for this company.
she served me with a 2-day suspension a few days after i replied to her "show cause" memo. she said that my being demotivated and demoralized is not reason enough for me not to deliver what is expected of me at work. she said it in the same breath that informed me our account's management treats its employees as people... something is wrong with her statements. something is terribly wrong...
i know i have misgivings. i know i am not perfect. but i own up to my mistakes. management does not owe me any sked adjust. it owes me a lot more. it owes me its salary. it owes me its existence. i don't believe my account's management ever read Utopia. sad. they should most especially now that they have lost about 10 people in the span of a month.
and they are standing to lose more...
my manager, then my supervisor, informed me during one of our few verbal battles thru email that i should challenge myself and set higher standards for myself. well honey, guess what. i'm upping my standards all right. you as a superior and this company you have turned into hell-on- earth does not meet my elite criteria. so as soon as i have my hard-earned money, i'll be packing my bags and going.
my team leader, who i used to hold in such high esteem, served me with a memo last month, january. she served the memo as soon as i got back on the night shift. the tardiness i have incurred that warranted such a memo occurred between october 19 to november 19 of last year. the memo asked me to explain why i was tardy during those dates. i wrote back saying that i was demotivated and demoralized over the september promotions. i said, in not so many words, that i have lost the drive to work for this company.
she served me with a 2-day suspension a few days after i replied to her "show cause" memo. she said that my being demotivated and demoralized is not reason enough for me not to deliver what is expected of me at work. she said it in the same breath that informed me our account's management treats its employees as people... something is wrong with her statements. something is terribly wrong...
i know i have misgivings. i know i am not perfect. but i own up to my mistakes. management does not owe me any sked adjust. it owes me a lot more. it owes me its salary. it owes me its existence. i don't believe my account's management ever read Utopia. sad. they should most especially now that they have lost about 10 people in the span of a month.
and they are standing to lose more...
yes... the princess is back. it's been a long time since i last wrote down my thoughts. happy hearts' day is just around the block. no doubt my heart will remain happy. it'll be a little broken and cut in some areas but keith and i are doing a great job keeping it all in one piece.
we are oh-so-well settled in our little private space over at keith's place. there is no talk whatsoever of me leaving. the wedding is still on although this time it will not be the church wedding we are planning to have. keith is between jobs right now. my poor baby. money is kinda tight. we don't want to ask anyone for a loan or for any favors. so we've decided to keep it at its utmost simplicity. a civil wedding will do just fine. honestly, i find it all so anti-climactic. after all the brouhaha... *sigh* what else is there left for us but to just get married and move on to better things?
things are pretty well between me and my mom. my dad's still holding a grudge and maybe all of my family are. but i could hardly care. i am too busy and tired to fight with them tooth and nail over the inevitable. i will marry keith.
either way, whatever happens... i will be with keith. that's all that matters.
happy 31st monthsary, baby.
we are oh-so-well settled in our little private space over at keith's place. there is no talk whatsoever of me leaving. the wedding is still on although this time it will not be the church wedding we are planning to have. keith is between jobs right now. my poor baby. money is kinda tight. we don't want to ask anyone for a loan or for any favors. so we've decided to keep it at its utmost simplicity. a civil wedding will do just fine. honestly, i find it all so anti-climactic. after all the brouhaha... *sigh* what else is there left for us but to just get married and move on to better things?
things are pretty well between me and my mom. my dad's still holding a grudge and maybe all of my family are. but i could hardly care. i am too busy and tired to fight with them tooth and nail over the inevitable. i will marry keith.
either way, whatever happens... i will be with keith. that's all that matters.
happy 31st monthsary, baby.
happy new year...
the new year was ushered in with tears in my eyes...another disastrous, humiliating phone call with my mom.
she finally said it. she told me in not so many words, that they don't want me to get married yet. "hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." those words just killed me.
i asked her what help they need. hindi naman nya masabi. gusto ba nila na padalhan ko sila ng pera regularly? ano ba gusto nila? bahala na daw ako. ang sa kanila lang daw eh pag nag-asawa na ako, hindi na sila makakalapit sa 'kin pag nangangailangan sila. kasi may asawa na 'ko at lahat ay dapat kong isangguni sa asawa ko.
i defended my side and keith's side. keith has agreed to let me keep my own money. i told them that although i ask for keith's opinion or suggestions, i still go by what i think and feel is right. hindi naman ako boba para magpa-domina sa boyfriend ko o sa mapapangasawa ko. at alam ni keith yan. ilang beses nya bang sinabi na ako ang kontra-bulate sa buhay nya?
but my mom just won't hear none of it. she just kept saying over and over again :"hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." ok lang naman daw kung magpapakasal ako, hindi naman daw sila tutol kay keith pero yun nga lang daw..."hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad."
i argued with her with my future in-laws within earshot. i eventually just gave up and told her that if they don't want me to get married, then i won't. i'll move out of keith's house and wait for the time when they will be ready for me to get married. bigla naman syang kabig. ituloy daw namin ang kasal kasi nakakahiya daw sa magulang ni keith. mas lalo lang daw silang malalagay sa alanganin.
*sigh*. happy new year.
she finally said it. she told me in not so many words, that they don't want me to get married yet. "hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." those words just killed me.
i asked her what help they need. hindi naman nya masabi. gusto ba nila na padalhan ko sila ng pera regularly? ano ba gusto nila? bahala na daw ako. ang sa kanila lang daw eh pag nag-asawa na ako, hindi na sila makakalapit sa 'kin pag nangangailangan sila. kasi may asawa na 'ko at lahat ay dapat kong isangguni sa asawa ko.
i defended my side and keith's side. keith has agreed to let me keep my own money. i told them that although i ask for keith's opinion or suggestions, i still go by what i think and feel is right. hindi naman ako boba para magpa-domina sa boyfriend ko o sa mapapangasawa ko. at alam ni keith yan. ilang beses nya bang sinabi na ako ang kontra-bulate sa buhay nya?
but my mom just won't hear none of it. she just kept saying over and over again :"hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." ok lang naman daw kung magpapakasal ako, hindi naman daw sila tutol kay keith pero yun nga lang daw..."hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad."
i argued with her with my future in-laws within earshot. i eventually just gave up and told her that if they don't want me to get married, then i won't. i'll move out of keith's house and wait for the time when they will be ready for me to get married. bigla naman syang kabig. ituloy daw namin ang kasal kasi nakakahiya daw sa magulang ni keith. mas lalo lang daw silang malalagay sa alanganin.
*sigh*. happy new year.
not so very merry christmas
it's been a month since i last blogged. christmas has come and gone. new year is just a few days away... keith has started on his new job. he's enjoying it. i'm so happy for him.
we're still on for the wedding. yes, still pushing thru despite my family's annoyance, especially my mom's. i have realized three weeks ago, thru another horrific phone call with my mom, that they are against the impending marriage. why? i have no idea. it could be because they think i'm still too young. or maybe because they're scared. fear makes people say and do the stupidest things. we got into a fight about the invitations which have not been sent out and will not be sent out till a month before the wedding. and that is still 7 months away.
she wanted me to invite my father's relatives. the same people who mocked my family. the same people who talked behind my back. the very people who looked down on me and my family and called us names. the people who threatened to shoot my soon-to-be husband if he doesn't "shape up". i put my foot down and refused her request.
she told me she won't go then. she said i should be grateful because these people took me in; that i should forget the past and bury whatever cruel things they said and did. she said that it would be an embarrassment to her and my dad if they are the only ones to go to my wedding; it would be just an invitation, a "socially correct" gesture. pabalat-bunga lang. she even went on to say something to the effect of " you share their last name and it's important that they are also there."
well, i don't go for that crap. if i don't like someone, i don't like him. i won't go out of my way to perform a "socially correct" gesture to people i do not like. if the occasion calls for it, i could be civil towards them. but that occasion shouldn't be my wedding. i explained to her that the number of guests are at a minimum. it's because we are on a budget and that we want a small, intimate affair. only the people absolutely close to us would be there. i told her that my last name should not be an issue. if they want their last name back, then they could have it. besides, my last name will soon be changed.
she got nasty and said that if that's how i look at things then she would go to the nearest civil registry and have it changed to the "original" name i have. that did it. that just broke me. she keeps on saying that i should forget about my being adopted but then here she is, slapping it in front of my face during an argument i feel we shouldn't even be having.
fine. let's invite those good-for-nothing bastard and bitches. after all, i'm sure they will have the decency not to go. yah, right. i cried and cried the whole day. i sobered up just before going home. i don't want keith to know i've been crying the whole day. besides, i have to break the news to him about some uninvited guests being invited and i want to be able to say it right. on our way home, i broke down and told him the call i had with my mom. he hugged me and said " if they have to be invited, then we'll invite them. i'll be civil with them. you'll be civil with them. that's it."
i have to hand it to keith. everything seems so easy for him. everything is "ok, fine, let's get it on." he spoke with my mom the other day to greet them a merry christmas. i don't have the courage to speak with them yet. the last phone call was too much for me i guess. keith told her that i have a bad case of sore throat and cold which is very much true. at some point during their talk, keith called me to his side. i saw tears burning in his eyes. he mouthed the words "i love you" and hugged me close. i must have looked quizzical because he then pulled up his phone, opened it to write me a message, and wrote this down in between short answers to my mom: " your mom is ranting about the invitations. she is not happy about the wedding."
i hugged him back.
keith asked me if i was happy this christmas. i told him i was. i could be happier, really... but then again i got a few gifts from his family, my family is safe in bacolod, keith and i both have jobs and are safe and healthy, i have friends who love and care for me and showered me with gifts this holiday season (unlike some people i know who hardly got any!)...i have keith. i'm thankful... and happy... for all that.
we're still on for the wedding. yes, still pushing thru despite my family's annoyance, especially my mom's. i have realized three weeks ago, thru another horrific phone call with my mom, that they are against the impending marriage. why? i have no idea. it could be because they think i'm still too young. or maybe because they're scared. fear makes people say and do the stupidest things. we got into a fight about the invitations which have not been sent out and will not be sent out till a month before the wedding. and that is still 7 months away.
she wanted me to invite my father's relatives. the same people who mocked my family. the same people who talked behind my back. the very people who looked down on me and my family and called us names. the people who threatened to shoot my soon-to-be husband if he doesn't "shape up". i put my foot down and refused her request.
she told me she won't go then. she said i should be grateful because these people took me in; that i should forget the past and bury whatever cruel things they said and did. she said that it would be an embarrassment to her and my dad if they are the only ones to go to my wedding; it would be just an invitation, a "socially correct" gesture. pabalat-bunga lang. she even went on to say something to the effect of " you share their last name and it's important that they are also there."
well, i don't go for that crap. if i don't like someone, i don't like him. i won't go out of my way to perform a "socially correct" gesture to people i do not like. if the occasion calls for it, i could be civil towards them. but that occasion shouldn't be my wedding. i explained to her that the number of guests are at a minimum. it's because we are on a budget and that we want a small, intimate affair. only the people absolutely close to us would be there. i told her that my last name should not be an issue. if they want their last name back, then they could have it. besides, my last name will soon be changed.
she got nasty and said that if that's how i look at things then she would go to the nearest civil registry and have it changed to the "original" name i have. that did it. that just broke me. she keeps on saying that i should forget about my being adopted but then here she is, slapping it in front of my face during an argument i feel we shouldn't even be having.
fine. let's invite those good-for-nothing bastard and bitches. after all, i'm sure they will have the decency not to go. yah, right. i cried and cried the whole day. i sobered up just before going home. i don't want keith to know i've been crying the whole day. besides, i have to break the news to him about some uninvited guests being invited and i want to be able to say it right. on our way home, i broke down and told him the call i had with my mom. he hugged me and said " if they have to be invited, then we'll invite them. i'll be civil with them. you'll be civil with them. that's it."
i have to hand it to keith. everything seems so easy for him. everything is "ok, fine, let's get it on." he spoke with my mom the other day to greet them a merry christmas. i don't have the courage to speak with them yet. the last phone call was too much for me i guess. keith told her that i have a bad case of sore throat and cold which is very much true. at some point during their talk, keith called me to his side. i saw tears burning in his eyes. he mouthed the words "i love you" and hugged me close. i must have looked quizzical because he then pulled up his phone, opened it to write me a message, and wrote this down in between short answers to my mom: " your mom is ranting about the invitations. she is not happy about the wedding."
i hugged him back.
keith asked me if i was happy this christmas. i told him i was. i could be happier, really... but then again i got a few gifts from his family, my family is safe in bacolod, keith and i both have jobs and are safe and healthy, i have friends who love and care for me and showered me with gifts this holiday season (unlike some people i know who hardly got any!)...i have keith. i'm thankful... and happy... for all that.
keith and i have been losing valuable sleep over his job interviews and applications. nagkasabay-sabay kasi. he's determined to leave his current job (which sucks big time) and move on to better, greener pastures. i couldn't agree with him more. he was bent on landing himself a good, stable job that it just broke my heart to hear him say that he was denied yet again when he called me in the office yesterday afternoon.
Keith: i'm a bum baby. i can't get myself a job. i'm a bum.
Ice: aww c'mon. that's just one stupid company.you'll get another offer. and it'll be better than this one. you'll see.
Keith: hmp! to hell with them all! pinasa ko na nga pala resignation letter ko. wala na akong trabaho baby. i'm a bum.
he kept on saying that he's a bum all throughout the ride home. he bought me one of my fave cake and said that he doesn't have any money anymore. he bought me cake because he soon won't be able to give me anything. because he's a bum. *sigh*. like i frigging care...
we ate some of the cake and prepared to catch some zzz's. he asked me to look at the profile of the firm that turned him down. i sat next to him on the bed and opened the folder he offered to me. it read on top:
Below the referral form was another sheet of paper saying:
i was so surprised i cried and laughed at the same time.
Keith: i'm a bum baby. i can't get myself a job. i'm a bum.
Ice: aww c'mon. that's just one stupid company.you'll get another offer. and it'll be better than this one. you'll see.
Keith: hmp! to hell with them all! pinasa ko na nga pala resignation letter ko. wala na akong trabaho baby. i'm a bum.
he kept on saying that he's a bum all throughout the ride home. he bought me one of my fave cake and said that he doesn't have any money anymore. he bought me cake because he soon won't be able to give me anything. because he's a bum. *sigh*. like i frigging care...
we ate some of the cake and prepared to catch some zzz's. he asked me to look at the profile of the firm that turned him down. i sat next to him on the bed and opened the folder he offered to me. it read on top:
We are referring Keith Hidalgo to your clinic for a complete pre-employment medical exam.
Below the referral form was another sheet of paper saying:
Welcome to S****!
We are pleased to offer to you the following position and benefits...
i was so surprised i cried and laughed at the same time.
while in the midst of planning for my wedding, i applied for an open position here in the office. it's my 3rd, maybe 4th, application for a higher position this year. this time it's for QA. i do hope i land the promotion. i have always eyed the QA position but this wasn't available to us Level 1's before. now, the opportunity has come. and i've grabbed it of course. i do hope i get. really.
if i don't get it, well... it's either i'm a dumb, irresponsible employee (which i don't believe i am) or maybe management is dumb and irresponsible (which i believe they are at times). i am hoping against hope. i really want this. could you see me bleeding? it's how much i want to be in this position.
all the details for my wedding are set. we've saved up enough to pay for the church where the ceremony will be held. we're now saving up for the rest of the payments we need to make. somehow, i know we'll be able to pull this thru. somehow, some way... we will pull this thru.
and i'll make sure to ace that frigging interview for the QA position!
if i don't get it, well... it's either i'm a dumb, irresponsible employee (which i don't believe i am) or maybe management is dumb and irresponsible (which i believe they are at times). i am hoping against hope. i really want this. could you see me bleeding? it's how much i want to be in this position.
all the details for my wedding are set. we've saved up enough to pay for the church where the ceremony will be held. we're now saving up for the rest of the payments we need to make. somehow, i know we'll be able to pull this thru. somehow, some way... we will pull this thru.
and i'll make sure to ace that frigging interview for the QA position!
keith and i had a long talk last night. i was argumentative at the start of the conversation, then i bawled my eyes out, and then i feel asleep in his arms.
keith and i rarely have screaming matches. that's a good thing i suppose. i don't like screaming matches at all. and keith doesn't like them either. we discussed money matters, the wedding... he doesn't want to call it off. i admire him for his certainty. he is so sure of himself that nothing shakes him. absolutely nothing. he asked me if i want to get married now, like right now.
i said no.
his silence told me that wasn't the reply he was expecting. but i couldn't lie to him, not even to save his pride.
he hugged me tighter and asked me why. i said all the reasons i could think of. we're strapped for cash, i don't think we'd be able to pull it off, he hasn't reahed his goals yet and so have i, my nieces and nephews won't be there, etcetera, etcetera.
he said he just don't understand why i suddenly wanted to put a stop to everything when it was a mere few days ago i was ranting about how great the menu we have was. this whole ugly tricycle incident came up and bam! i want to call off everything.
i cried then. and he just held me all thru the night.
keith and i rarely have screaming matches. that's a good thing i suppose. i don't like screaming matches at all. and keith doesn't like them either. we discussed money matters, the wedding... he doesn't want to call it off. i admire him for his certainty. he is so sure of himself that nothing shakes him. absolutely nothing. he asked me if i want to get married now, like right now.
i said no.
his silence told me that wasn't the reply he was expecting. but i couldn't lie to him, not even to save his pride.
he hugged me tighter and asked me why. i said all the reasons i could think of. we're strapped for cash, i don't think we'd be able to pull it off, he hasn't reahed his goals yet and so have i, my nieces and nephews won't be there, etcetera, etcetera.
he said he just don't understand why i suddenly wanted to put a stop to everything when it was a mere few days ago i was ranting about how great the menu we have was. this whole ugly tricycle incident came up and bam! i want to call off everything.
i cried then. and he just held me all thru the night.
after that very bad phone call, i resumed my day as if it's like any other day. but thoughts were racing thru my head. like, what if keith and i just call the whole wedding off? i mean, we're obviously strapped for cash. his parents, although willing to provide for the venue and all the moral support they could offer, bless them, could not offer any monetary support. the same goes for my parents. and it's not like we're asking for money but it's so obvious to me that we do need to have more money. i'm afraid that the "simple" wedding we're planning to have is still going to cost us a lot.
and then i got to thinking about me not having a bank account of my own. still. i mean, isn't that a goal that i haven't achieved yet? and what about my plans of going out of the country? and studying a foreing language?
and what about my parents? suddenly, they are like these monsters. and what's that crap about my nieces and nephews not coming over to join the wedding? so it's just going to be just my mom and dad? bullshit! that's utter bullshit! why is it that they don't seem to be happy for me? why do i feel like they resent me? is it just me, with all my guilt at not being able to provide for them like what they have been asking me to? is it because they don't like the idea of me tying the knot?
i just had to talk with someone. and so i talked with prima. and she said that if i'll get married then it should be when and where i want to with the person that i want to do it with. she said i should just forget about what everybody thinks and stop and listen to what i think.
*sigh* if only it were that simple.
and then i got to thinking about me not having a bank account of my own. still. i mean, isn't that a goal that i haven't achieved yet? and what about my plans of going out of the country? and studying a foreing language?
and what about my parents? suddenly, they are like these monsters. and what's that crap about my nieces and nephews not coming over to join the wedding? so it's just going to be just my mom and dad? bullshit! that's utter bullshit! why is it that they don't seem to be happy for me? why do i feel like they resent me? is it just me, with all my guilt at not being able to provide for them like what they have been asking me to? is it because they don't like the idea of me tying the knot?
i just had to talk with someone. and so i talked with prima. and she said that if i'll get married then it should be when and where i want to with the person that i want to do it with. she said i should just forget about what everybody thinks and stop and listen to what i think.
*sigh* if only it were that simple.
my day started with several calls and text messages from my sister. i need to call my mom because they have something very important to tell me. and it has to be like NOW!
i called them and apparently they need money, about 24 thousand pesopesoses, to buy this secondhand tricycle. my mom said it's for her. a new business that she wants to put up. she'll buy the freakin' vehicle and have my sister's husband drive it. ok. not bad. where will i get the fucking 24 thousand pesopesoses though?
i do not have 24 thousand bucks. i only have about 5 thousand. and that money's for the wedding. ah yes, the wedding. it's coming up in july, by the way. but mom pooh-poohed and said that's still too far and that i shouldn't worry and that no, to save money, my beloved nieces and nephews shouldn't go at all. besides, they wouldn't be able to skip class on that so far off date. dad said that they really need the money like RIGHT NOW and that they need 24 freaking thousands. oh what? yah, i don't have any money on me. really. seriously. aw, that's too bad.mom butted in and said well, then we'll just have to figure out a way. yes, too bad keith and i only have 8 thousand to loan to you right now. oh yes, it's all right, you'll pay us by january. no problem. oh and you'll make sure to pay me by then because you don't want me to be fucking lacking in anything.
i agreed to sending them all the money keith and i have saved up for the wedding so far. i told them i'd send it as soon as i could. then my mom hung up. and i hung up. and i cried.
in all my 3 years working in a call center answering calls and talking with people from all walks of life, the phone call i had with my parents was the worse.
i called them and apparently they need money, about 24 thousand pesopesoses, to buy this secondhand tricycle. my mom said it's for her. a new business that she wants to put up. she'll buy the freakin' vehicle and have my sister's husband drive it. ok. not bad. where will i get the fucking 24 thousand pesopesoses though?
i do not have 24 thousand bucks. i only have about 5 thousand. and that money's for the wedding. ah yes, the wedding. it's coming up in july, by the way. but mom pooh-poohed and said that's still too far and that i shouldn't worry and that no, to save money, my beloved nieces and nephews shouldn't go at all. besides, they wouldn't be able to skip class on that so far off date. dad said that they really need the money like RIGHT NOW and that they need 24 freaking thousands. oh what? yah, i don't have any money on me. really. seriously. aw, that's too bad.mom butted in and said well, then we'll just have to figure out a way. yes, too bad keith and i only have 8 thousand to loan to you right now. oh yes, it's all right, you'll pay us by january. no problem. oh and you'll make sure to pay me by then because you don't want me to be fucking lacking in anything.
i agreed to sending them all the money keith and i have saved up for the wedding so far. i told them i'd send it as soon as i could. then my mom hung up. and i hung up. and i cried.
in all my 3 years working in a call center answering calls and talking with people from all walks of life, the phone call i had with my parents was the worse.
the gown
i've finally decided on a gown. after coursing thru theknot.com's huge collection of designers and gowns, i go right back to the gown that i have decided on a year ago.
it's simple and elegant. just the way i want it. i don't want to wear a gown with a ton of beadwork that will just weigh me down and make me look like it's the gown that's wearing me instead of the other way around.
*sigh*. it's so pretty...
keith and i are seriously considering not having a church wedding but a civil ceremony instead. money is tight these days and to spend a huge amount for a one-time affair seems foolish. the house in makati, where we will be spending most of our time, needs a few major repairs and we're thinking the money would be better spent on them. still... as angelo pointed out, we're getting married only once (hopefully!eheheheheh...) and it would definitely be better to have the wedding that we want.
hmmm...
can't we just elope and be done with it?...
hmmm...
can't we just elope and be done with it?...
crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday, crappy birthday...
crappy birthday to me.
*sigh*. if it weren't for keith and a few good friends who cheered me today, my birthday would have gone down the toilet. i supposed i should be thankful that i got to have the day off... but then again... maybe some people should have told me beforehand that my going out of town for my birthday would be nothing but a pipe dream. grrr...
crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday, crappy birthday...
crappy birthday to me.
*sigh*. if it weren't for keith and a few good friends who cheered me today, my birthday would have gone down the toilet. i supposed i should be thankful that i got to have the day off... but then again... maybe some people should have told me beforehand that my going out of town for my birthday would be nothing but a pipe dream. grrr...
i had a little chat with one of the newbies here in our team. apparently, she was once an officemate of my friend claire. not only was she an officemate, she also happens to be a confidante of claire's. she told me stories about how claire was at their office, her relationship with her husband and kids, her financial difficulty, her miscarriage... she told me things i didn't know. she spoke about incidents claire didn't tell me or laiza.
i saw claire a few months ago and i asked her if she was happy. she said it was difficult at times but she's happy. i took her word for it despite the heaviness in my heart. i felt her pain. the intangible connection we had that has sustained our relationship over the years has not been diminished by my resentment. i still feel her. i still feel for her. i looked into her beautiful eyes and saw thru the lie.
maybe she is happy amidst all the problems she has. we all have various levels of contentment and happiness. maybe she's happy with taking care of a husband and rearing children. maybe she's content with what she's doing with her life. maybe she's ok and i'm just thinking she's not because i think that having a husband and children at such a young age is inappropriate. i love her and what i wanted for her was to have a stable job and enjoy the fruits of her labor. i wanted her to enjoy having her own money. we both were always in need of cash when we were in school. we both wanted to get away from our parent's grasp, live freely and spend our money the way we see fit. i think she deserves better things that what she has now. i feel that she deserves someone better. but loving someone doesn't mean we know what's best for them or what makes them happy. i suppose it's time to let go of our broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. it's useless anyway. none of it will do anyone good.
she celebrated her 24th birthday last sunday, october 24. i was in the office and she doesn't have a cellphone so i wasn't able to greet her. i hope she had a happy birthday. a truly very happy birthday. i plan to ask her sometime soon. if she says she was then i'll take her word for it.
i saw claire a few months ago and i asked her if she was happy. she said it was difficult at times but she's happy. i took her word for it despite the heaviness in my heart. i felt her pain. the intangible connection we had that has sustained our relationship over the years has not been diminished by my resentment. i still feel her. i still feel for her. i looked into her beautiful eyes and saw thru the lie.
maybe she is happy amidst all the problems she has. we all have various levels of contentment and happiness. maybe she's happy with taking care of a husband and rearing children. maybe she's content with what she's doing with her life. maybe she's ok and i'm just thinking she's not because i think that having a husband and children at such a young age is inappropriate. i love her and what i wanted for her was to have a stable job and enjoy the fruits of her labor. i wanted her to enjoy having her own money. we both were always in need of cash when we were in school. we both wanted to get away from our parent's grasp, live freely and spend our money the way we see fit. i think she deserves better things that what she has now. i feel that she deserves someone better. but loving someone doesn't mean we know what's best for them or what makes them happy. i suppose it's time to let go of our broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. it's useless anyway. none of it will do anyone good.
she celebrated her 24th birthday last sunday, october 24. i was in the office and she doesn't have a cellphone so i wasn't able to greet her. i hope she had a happy birthday. a truly very happy birthday. i plan to ask her sometime soon. if she says she was then i'll take her word for it.
naiinis ako kay keith.
correction!
galit ako sa kanya.
hmp!
at hindi dahil sa nanakaw ang cellphone nya (na cellphone ko talaga dahil pinahiram ko sa kanya yon). galit ako kasi sinungaling sya. hmp! the nerve!!!
at sya pa ang may ganang mainis sa kin at sabihan ako na hindi ako nakakaintindi. hah! sya kaya ang maghintay buong magdamag para sa taong hindi naman pala darating. o kaya naman eh darating nga, lasing naman.
okey... okey. so he didn't ask me to wait up for him. but he called me at 3am, when i was slowly drifting to sleep and said that he'll be coming home. that he'll buy food and we'll eat together. so stupid little me decided to keep awake and wait.
and wait...
and wait some more...
ayan... gising na ang nanay nya tsaka kuya nya... ayan... umalis na kuya nya. hmmm... 4:30 na... umabot na siguro sya sa laguna... baka pabalik na sya ng muntinlupa... matawagan nga. ano ba ito? mga babaeng nagtatawanan lang naririnig ko... hmmm...
fine! matutulog na lang ako...
5am... uyyy... text... nasa bus na daw sya... grabe... 2 oras sya nag-instay ng bus? saan sya pupunta? sa pangasinan?...pipilitin ko matulog... promise!
515am...uyyy... si byron... o, nanakaw ang cellphone ni keith!... hah! karma. sinungaling kasi! ano ba naman kasi yung sabihin nya na iinom sila di ba? eh di hindi ko na sana sya hinintay at tinawagan. eh di hindi sana sya nagkukumahog na umuwi at sumakay ng bus. eh di sana nakapili sya ng bus na walang sakay na mandurukot (kung meron mang ganung bus sa metro manila!).
tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa kin na hindi ako marunong umintindi?! baka ikaw... insensitive ka kasi. sabagay... dati na naman eh.
so ang ending... ang lalaking pakakasalan ko, insensitive!
hmmm... parang di ko feel yon... hmmm...
maybe we should call off the wedding...
hmmm...
correction!
galit ako sa kanya.
hmp!
at hindi dahil sa nanakaw ang cellphone nya (na cellphone ko talaga dahil pinahiram ko sa kanya yon). galit ako kasi sinungaling sya. hmp! the nerve!!!
at sya pa ang may ganang mainis sa kin at sabihan ako na hindi ako nakakaintindi. hah! sya kaya ang maghintay buong magdamag para sa taong hindi naman pala darating. o kaya naman eh darating nga, lasing naman.
okey... okey. so he didn't ask me to wait up for him. but he called me at 3am, when i was slowly drifting to sleep and said that he'll be coming home. that he'll buy food and we'll eat together. so stupid little me decided to keep awake and wait.
and wait...
and wait some more...
ayan... gising na ang nanay nya tsaka kuya nya... ayan... umalis na kuya nya. hmmm... 4:30 na... umabot na siguro sya sa laguna... baka pabalik na sya ng muntinlupa... matawagan nga. ano ba ito? mga babaeng nagtatawanan lang naririnig ko... hmmm...
fine! matutulog na lang ako...
5am... uyyy... text... nasa bus na daw sya... grabe... 2 oras sya nag-instay ng bus? saan sya pupunta? sa pangasinan?...pipilitin ko matulog... promise!
515am...uyyy... si byron... o, nanakaw ang cellphone ni keith!... hah! karma. sinungaling kasi! ano ba naman kasi yung sabihin nya na iinom sila di ba? eh di hindi ko na sana sya hinintay at tinawagan. eh di hindi sana sya nagkukumahog na umuwi at sumakay ng bus. eh di sana nakapili sya ng bus na walang sakay na mandurukot (kung meron mang ganung bus sa metro manila!).
tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa kin na hindi ako marunong umintindi?! baka ikaw... insensitive ka kasi. sabagay... dati na naman eh.
so ang ending... ang lalaking pakakasalan ko, insensitive!
hmmm... parang di ko feel yon... hmmm...
maybe we should call off the wedding...
hmmm...
125lbs.
i am nine months away from the date we've set for the wedding. i have nine months to lose about 20 friggin' pounds. i need to or the gown might not fit. worse, i might end up looking like miss piggy on a wedding dress. or maybe a wedding dress with a pig. oink oink!
i weighed myself yesterday and surprise! surprise! i am 125lbs. crap! crap! crap!
i saw laiza last friday to hand over the cute, adorable kitten my supervisor gave me and the first words out of her mouth were: "what's wrong with you? are you pregnant?". cripes. everybody seems to think i am 'cause i am just so... big. fat. flabby. crap! crap! crap!
i am starting to get worried really. i wanna lose weight. i feel that this is also the reason why i haven't had my period yet. the preg kit returned a negative result and my ob just patted my hand and said not to worry. i am usually delayed and that might be just it. but what if i am not?!!
oh... i want to cry and scream all over the place. this must be pms. yah. the longest-running, most miserable pms ever. i'm fat. i feel bloated. i'm irritable. worse, i can't stop eating!!!
oh crap!
crap!crap!crap!
i weighed myself yesterday and surprise! surprise! i am 125lbs. crap! crap! crap!
i saw laiza last friday to hand over the cute, adorable kitten my supervisor gave me and the first words out of her mouth were: "what's wrong with you? are you pregnant?". cripes. everybody seems to think i am 'cause i am just so... big. fat. flabby. crap! crap! crap!
i am starting to get worried really. i wanna lose weight. i feel that this is also the reason why i haven't had my period yet. the preg kit returned a negative result and my ob just patted my hand and said not to worry. i am usually delayed and that might be just it. but what if i am not?!!
oh... i want to cry and scream all over the place. this must be pms. yah. the longest-running, most miserable pms ever. i'm fat. i feel bloated. i'm irritable. worse, i can't stop eating!!!
oh crap!
crap!crap!crap!
sunday night with keith
ice is leafing thru a dictionary. beside him is keith, playing diablo.
keith: hah! sige... bigyan mo ko ng kahit anong word dyan sa dictionary. i'm sure alam ko yan!
ice: sige. commodious.
keith: ha? ano yon?
mwahahahahaha!... i just love this guy...
keith: hah! sige... bigyan mo ko ng kahit anong word dyan sa dictionary. i'm sure alam ko yan!
ice: sige. commodious.
keith: ha? ano yon?
mwahahahahaha!... i just love this guy...
the saga
i am depressed.
i have been eating more then normal, sleeping more than usual. i can't get my ass off to do anything. even going to the bathroom to answer the call of nature seems such a task. i haven't blogged for ages... no doubt about it. i'm depressed. and this has nothing to do whatsoever with keith and our upcoming wedding. that's the only thing that's going for me right now. what's bugging me is work. it's no longer... uhmmm... fun? productive? interesting? all of the above?
it all started with my aspirations to be the next senior rep or team lead. i applied, was interviewed and was denied the position. it seems quick and painless but it's not like that at all. i applied knowing full well what i am up against. i had my head above my heart. i knew there's 50-50 chance that i'd get in. i gave the interview my best shot. but i suppose my best was not enough. management chose 3 people among the applicants to be the next senior reps and team lead. and i wasn't on the list.
i spoke to my manager about it. why wasn't i considered? he couldn't look me in the eye and tell it straight to my face. all i was asking was simple enough to my thinking. was it because my performance paled in comparison to the other applicants? was it because i am too "assertive"? am i pushy? what? why wasn't i up there with the other 2? what's wrong with me? it's like a break up scene. boy is breaking up with girl and girl is asking herself and the boy... what did i do wrong? why are you leaving me?
a day after speaking with my manager, i got an email from my supervisor. she said that i have shown great dependability and that i did great during the interview. she said i am a valued member of the team and that they would like to see me take on new challenges. ok. so i'm a valued team player and that i aced the interview. my question was still unanswered... why didn't i land the position?
i have been in the call center business as level one representative for 3 years now. whatever goals i have set for myself, whatever assignment i have been given by my team lead... i have fulfilled these duties. and i believe i have performed them well. otherwise, i would have been told so. i am eager for new tasks and responsibilities. work is becoming boring and i want to take on new challenges to liven it up. how can i if no one will give me the chance?
i suppose it's asking too much, to have a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful career at the same time. no one can have the best of both worlds, that's what they say. i'm not asking for that either way. i'm just surprised and saddened by the turn of events. knowing how my mind works, i'll be back up in no time. i just need to get over this phase.
i hope it's just a phase.
i have been eating more then normal, sleeping more than usual. i can't get my ass off to do anything. even going to the bathroom to answer the call of nature seems such a task. i haven't blogged for ages... no doubt about it. i'm depressed. and this has nothing to do whatsoever with keith and our upcoming wedding. that's the only thing that's going for me right now. what's bugging me is work. it's no longer... uhmmm... fun? productive? interesting? all of the above?
it all started with my aspirations to be the next senior rep or team lead. i applied, was interviewed and was denied the position. it seems quick and painless but it's not like that at all. i applied knowing full well what i am up against. i had my head above my heart. i knew there's 50-50 chance that i'd get in. i gave the interview my best shot. but i suppose my best was not enough. management chose 3 people among the applicants to be the next senior reps and team lead. and i wasn't on the list.
i spoke to my manager about it. why wasn't i considered? he couldn't look me in the eye and tell it straight to my face. all i was asking was simple enough to my thinking. was it because my performance paled in comparison to the other applicants? was it because i am too "assertive"? am i pushy? what? why wasn't i up there with the other 2? what's wrong with me? it's like a break up scene. boy is breaking up with girl and girl is asking herself and the boy... what did i do wrong? why are you leaving me?
a day after speaking with my manager, i got an email from my supervisor. she said that i have shown great dependability and that i did great during the interview. she said i am a valued member of the team and that they would like to see me take on new challenges. ok. so i'm a valued team player and that i aced the interview. my question was still unanswered... why didn't i land the position?
i have been in the call center business as level one representative for 3 years now. whatever goals i have set for myself, whatever assignment i have been given by my team lead... i have fulfilled these duties. and i believe i have performed them well. otherwise, i would have been told so. i am eager for new tasks and responsibilities. work is becoming boring and i want to take on new challenges to liven it up. how can i if no one will give me the chance?
i suppose it's asking too much, to have a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful career at the same time. no one can have the best of both worlds, that's what they say. i'm not asking for that either way. i'm just surprised and saddened by the turn of events. knowing how my mind works, i'll be back up in no time. i just need to get over this phase.
i hope it's just a phase.
ang mundo ko ngayon ay umiikot lang sa maliit kong kwarto. ayoko na lumabas at makihalubilo sa mga kapitbahay. wala naman silang kwenta lahat. wala rin ako balak kausapin ang kapatid ko. kasi wala rin naman sya kwenta kausap. lagi lang akong nasa kwarto ko. nagbabasa, nanunod ng tv, naglilinis, namamalantsa, nagpaplano ng mga kung anu-ano.
mahirap pero tinatyaga ko na lang. sa looban namin, matira ang matibay. ang pikon ay talo, ang mahina ang loob ay kawawa. hindi ako pikon at ayokong panghinaan ng loob. kelangan ko ipaglaban ang sa nararapat para sa akin. ayokong pa-api dahil hindi talaga ako papa-api.
kaya eto ako, nakatigil sa loob ng aking munting mundo. naghihintay ng pagkakataon. nanalangin na sana dumating ang araw na umayos ang lahat.
mahirap pero tinatyaga ko na lang. sa looban namin, matira ang matibay. ang pikon ay talo, ang mahina ang loob ay kawawa. hindi ako pikon at ayokong panghinaan ng loob. kelangan ko ipaglaban ang sa nararapat para sa akin. ayokong pa-api dahil hindi talaga ako papa-api.
kaya eto ako, nakatigil sa loob ng aking munting mundo. naghihintay ng pagkakataon. nanalangin na sana dumating ang araw na umayos ang lahat.
semi-productive
another semi-productive day in the office.
i am surfing, surfing and surfing...thinking, thinking and thinking. all for the coming wedding of course. ^_^ besides, i really don't feel like working. i'd much rather browse thru thousands of webpages bearing wedding gowns than go thru tens of emails.
the word is out. i am not going to be future senior rep or team lead. it is to be expected. as much as i would like to say more regarding this matter, i would rather keep mum about it. i don't want to dwell on the whys and the how comes and the buts... i don't want to think about management and their logic and their management style, if ever they have one.
i'll keep my thoughts to myself and to the few people i trust. things will come around, i'm sure. i'll once again get my groove back. for now, i'll allow myself the luxury of getting over the disappointment of being overlooked by management. for now, i'll give myself all the time to look for the perfect gown, set plans for the wedding i will star in next year.
on to the next gown...
i am surfing, surfing and surfing...thinking, thinking and thinking. all for the coming wedding of course. ^_^ besides, i really don't feel like working. i'd much rather browse thru thousands of webpages bearing wedding gowns than go thru tens of emails.
the word is out. i am not going to be future senior rep or team lead. it is to be expected. as much as i would like to say more regarding this matter, i would rather keep mum about it. i don't want to dwell on the whys and the how comes and the buts... i don't want to think about management and their logic and their management style, if ever they have one.
i'll keep my thoughts to myself and to the few people i trust. things will come around, i'm sure. i'll once again get my groove back. for now, i'll allow myself the luxury of getting over the disappointment of being overlooked by management. for now, i'll give myself all the time to look for the perfect gown, set plans for the wedding i will star in next year.
on to the next gown...
my notebook
i saw the notebook with chin and gayle. the movie was great and the company i was with even more. i am glad to have spent time with them. i missed chin... and gayle too even though we haven't been friends as long as she and chin have. they have offered valuable pieces of advice and i have once again come to them for enlightment. i am standing in the door of marriage and i badly need help.
so here comes 2 of my friends to the rescue. both single mothers, one not having been married and the other one, separated from the one she married. and there i was sitting smack in the midle of them. a single, attached woman of 23, thinking if she will marry her first love. or not.
both of them agree that i shouldn't get married right now. gayle, swearing she is not bitter over marriage, said that i should wait it out. i am young and there are still a lot of opportunities waiting for me. hmmm...true.
chin, on the other hand, also swearing she is not bitter over eternal coupledom, said that she doesn't mind seeing me married to keith really. she is concerned though that marriage might hamper my indivudual growth. she fears that i have not yet reached my full potential and that if i get married this early on in my life, i might not ever reach that. hmmm... interesting concept. and i have to agree with chin.
we decided to watch the movie after that little chat. as we were going around the mall, goofing around, questions were filling up in the back of my head. do i really want to get married? why am i so afraid? do i want to give up this, my single-blessedness? am i ready to give it up?
then i saw the notebook. all 3 of us bawled our eyes out. and i came to a realization. like allie, i know in my heart that what keith and i have is for real. this is a love that is for keeps. oh, i know that i could still go on without him. he doesn't complete me. but if i lose him, everything would never be the same for me. at one point in the movie, gayle leaned over and asked me: "do you see you and keith doing the same, loving each other till you are old and gray?". YES. no buts or ifs about it. YES.
i have come to a decision. finally.
so here comes 2 of my friends to the rescue. both single mothers, one not having been married and the other one, separated from the one she married. and there i was sitting smack in the midle of them. a single, attached woman of 23, thinking if she will marry her first love. or not.
both of them agree that i shouldn't get married right now. gayle, swearing she is not bitter over marriage, said that i should wait it out. i am young and there are still a lot of opportunities waiting for me. hmmm...true.
chin, on the other hand, also swearing she is not bitter over eternal coupledom, said that she doesn't mind seeing me married to keith really. she is concerned though that marriage might hamper my indivudual growth. she fears that i have not yet reached my full potential and that if i get married this early on in my life, i might not ever reach that. hmmm... interesting concept. and i have to agree with chin.
we decided to watch the movie after that little chat. as we were going around the mall, goofing around, questions were filling up in the back of my head. do i really want to get married? why am i so afraid? do i want to give up this, my single-blessedness? am i ready to give it up?
then i saw the notebook. all 3 of us bawled our eyes out. and i came to a realization. like allie, i know in my heart that what keith and i have is for real. this is a love that is for keeps. oh, i know that i could still go on without him. he doesn't complete me. but if i lose him, everything would never be the same for me. at one point in the movie, gayle leaned over and asked me: "do you see you and keith doing the same, loving each other till you are old and gray?". YES. no buts or ifs about it. YES.
i have come to a decision. finally.
wedding bells without the bells
the subject of marriage has come up a couple of times now within the past 3 weeks.
i first heard it from my mom. i was pouring my rage over the recent events in our pesky neighborhood when she segued to my relationship with keith.
mama: sigurado ka na ba dyan kay keith? sya na ba talaga?
ako: OO naman!
o di ba?! with conviction pa! just like that. walang halong pag-aatubili o pag-aalinlangan. alam kong si keith na. wala nang iba pang lalaki ang pu-pwede dahil si keith lang ang mamahalin ko at mamahalin ako ng bilang ako ng walang hinihinging kapalit o kung anupaman.
mama: eh kung ganyan rin lang kasi na nagsasama na kayo... bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal?
ako: ehhh...
good quesstion! let me get back to you on that one!*wink*... sa totoo lang, malayo pa sa isip ko ang kasal. oo, nagpaplano na kami ni keith. we even have decided on a date already. july 7, 2007. that would be our 5th year aniversary. that is about 3 years away and that is how far i would like it to be.
my mom suggested that maybe we should start thinking about getting married.kahit yung sa huwes lang. kung sigurado na rin lang kami sa isa't isa at nagsasama na kami... ano ba naman yung ikasal kami sa huwes para matigil na ang tsismis at kung ano-anu pa?
then came keith's mother. she asked keith what our plans were and keith was more than happy and proud to tell his parents what we have thought of so far. his mother's reply was: " july 7, 2007?! ang tagal naman?! bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal na lang muna sa huwes? tapos sa 2007 yung sa simbahan?"
siyempre nagkamot lang ng ulo si keith.
pero kinikilig kami pareho. as in. lalo na si keith. his eyes were twinkling and he was practically glowing (that is if a guy could glow, or maybe it was just light bouncing off his bald head). he is so happy that both sides would want to see us married off to each other. and i am happy too but i have a feeling my signifant other hasn't thought about what comes in a marriage. after the cake has bene cut and we have said our "i dos", reality steps in. and reality could be ugly. could our 2 year relationship withstand the pressure?
i am suddenly afraid. so very afraid.
i first heard it from my mom. i was pouring my rage over the recent events in our pesky neighborhood when she segued to my relationship with keith.
mama: sigurado ka na ba dyan kay keith? sya na ba talaga?
ako: OO naman!
o di ba?! with conviction pa! just like that. walang halong pag-aatubili o pag-aalinlangan. alam kong si keith na. wala nang iba pang lalaki ang pu-pwede dahil si keith lang ang mamahalin ko at mamahalin ako ng bilang ako ng walang hinihinging kapalit o kung anupaman.
mama: eh kung ganyan rin lang kasi na nagsasama na kayo... bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal?
ako: ehhh...
good quesstion! let me get back to you on that one!*wink*... sa totoo lang, malayo pa sa isip ko ang kasal. oo, nagpaplano na kami ni keith. we even have decided on a date already. july 7, 2007. that would be our 5th year aniversary. that is about 3 years away and that is how far i would like it to be.
my mom suggested that maybe we should start thinking about getting married.kahit yung sa huwes lang. kung sigurado na rin lang kami sa isa't isa at nagsasama na kami... ano ba naman yung ikasal kami sa huwes para matigil na ang tsismis at kung ano-anu pa?
then came keith's mother. she asked keith what our plans were and keith was more than happy and proud to tell his parents what we have thought of so far. his mother's reply was: " july 7, 2007?! ang tagal naman?! bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal na lang muna sa huwes? tapos sa 2007 yung sa simbahan?"
siyempre nagkamot lang ng ulo si keith.
pero kinikilig kami pareho. as in. lalo na si keith. his eyes were twinkling and he was practically glowing (that is if a guy could glow, or maybe it was just light bouncing off his bald head). he is so happy that both sides would want to see us married off to each other. and i am happy too but i have a feeling my signifant other hasn't thought about what comes in a marriage. after the cake has bene cut and we have said our "i dos", reality steps in. and reality could be ugly. could our 2 year relationship withstand the pressure?
i am suddenly afraid. so very afraid.
limelights, high sights, rumors and more sighs
it's been 3 weeks since i last blogged and so many things have happened i don't even know how to begin pouring my heart out. i'll start off with my submitting my application for the post of team lead last august 17. yes. i did submit my resume complete with cover letter. i was interviewed for the position sometime last week. i think it went well. i gave it my very best. it would be a disappointment if i don't bag it but i won't be all that heartbroken. my heart above my head, i went into the interview intending to give my best and i did. if that doesn't impress them, well... other doors will open for me, i'm sure. besides, i came in late for the 3rd time this pay period so i can kiss that dream bye-bye. *sigh*
this brings us on to the next topic. keith and me and our "living together" situation. right now, we're spending the week at his parents' and it is such a pain in my schedule. his family is great but their place is just too far from where i work. hence, the 2 instances of tardiness that i will have to explain once again. but maybe this time i won't have to explain. the company'll just hand in the memo. as usual. *sigh*
anyway, my sister and her husband are now back together. i'm happy but i could definitely be a lot happier. so will my mother be if they just go back to the province and look after their children. still no job for my brother-in-law and my sister is still at it, selling burgers and stuff. this despite the fight she has been having with her dear cousin and neighbor. nagtalo sila ng dakila naming kapitbahay dahil gusto na ihiwalay ng kapatid ko ang tindahan nya sa tindahan ng kapitbahay namin. sukat ba namang murahin ang kapatid ko at sabihin nyang walang pakinabang ang ate ko. hay!!!
as if the turmoil i am experiencing at work and at home isn't enough, my sister told me our little neighborhood is not at all too happy with me and keith living in the same house. oo, na para bang ang gagaling nila at wala silang nagagawang mali. god save me from hypocrites!!! walang humpay ang mga bibig ng mga hitad kong kamag-anak sa kakatsimisan sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa buhay ko at sa buhay ng kapatid ko. my neighbors don't need reality tv. they already have me and my sister. this is living in a fishbowl at its worst. walang ibang pinag-uusapan sa looban namin kung hindi bakit si keith dun nakatira sa min, bakit hindi raw ako nabubuntis, bakit mga bakla daw ang pinatitira ko sa bahay. ang tanging sagot ko ay: pakialam nyo!?! up yours all of you friggin' sons of bitches!!!
doon tumitira si keith sa bahay kasi malapit yon sa opisina nya. isa pa, alam ng parents ko na sa bahay nila tumutuloy si keith. his parents also know he stays ay place. so what's the problem?! that we aren't married?! oh please! at hindi ako nabubuntis kasi nagko-kontrol kami. do they think that keith and i are mindless enough to just jump into bed together without thinking about precaution?! if they do, they're a lot more dumber than i thought. bakla ang pinatitira ko sa bahay kasi bakla ang mga kaibigan ko. at ano ngayon kung bakla sila?! this has only served to confirm what i have thought of weeks ago. my dear neighbors/relatives connived and conspired to make geisha and his boyfriend go away. sinulsulan nga nila ang ate ko. hmp!
at ang pasimuno siguro ng panunulsol na iyan ay ang magaling kong tiyuhin kasama ang nakatatandang kapatid ng tatay ko. por dios! ke tatanda na eh tsismis pa rin ang inaatupag. bakit ba hindi na lang mga buhay nila ang busisiin nila at hindi buhay ko at ng pamilya ko? i really wouldn't have mind all this racket if it weren't for the same uncle threatening keith. he told my sister to tell me that he doesn't approve of keith and that he is noisy. susme! isang beses lang nagkakatok si keih sa bahay ng alanganing oras. and that was because he left his keys. sabi pa ng demonyo kong tiyo, mag-ingat daw si keith at baka barilin na lang daw nya minsan. Putangina! Ano kala nya sa boyfriend ko, kuting?!
i could only shake my head in anger and disgust. how dare this people. sino sila para humusga at magbanta? ang tiyo kong yan... hah! may kalalagyan sya pag nagkataon. ipapa-blotter ko na sya para kung ano't anuman eh may record na sya. does he think that i will let him get away with that? i am too smart for dumbasses like him. like all of them.
sigh. sigh. and more sighs. thru all this keith hugged me and kissed me and said everything will be all right. my greatest fear right now is not the memo at work, not my sister or her husband. it's keith. i don't want anything bad to happen to him. it pains me to admit this, but i think it would be best if he moves back to his parents. but i don't think he would... *sigh*
this brings us on to the next topic. keith and me and our "living together" situation. right now, we're spending the week at his parents' and it is such a pain in my schedule. his family is great but their place is just too far from where i work. hence, the 2 instances of tardiness that i will have to explain once again. but maybe this time i won't have to explain. the company'll just hand in the memo. as usual. *sigh*
anyway, my sister and her husband are now back together. i'm happy but i could definitely be a lot happier. so will my mother be if they just go back to the province and look after their children. still no job for my brother-in-law and my sister is still at it, selling burgers and stuff. this despite the fight she has been having with her dear cousin and neighbor. nagtalo sila ng dakila naming kapitbahay dahil gusto na ihiwalay ng kapatid ko ang tindahan nya sa tindahan ng kapitbahay namin. sukat ba namang murahin ang kapatid ko at sabihin nyang walang pakinabang ang ate ko. hay!!!
as if the turmoil i am experiencing at work and at home isn't enough, my sister told me our little neighborhood is not at all too happy with me and keith living in the same house. oo, na para bang ang gagaling nila at wala silang nagagawang mali. god save me from hypocrites!!! walang humpay ang mga bibig ng mga hitad kong kamag-anak sa kakatsimisan sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa buhay ko at sa buhay ng kapatid ko. my neighbors don't need reality tv. they already have me and my sister. this is living in a fishbowl at its worst. walang ibang pinag-uusapan sa looban namin kung hindi bakit si keith dun nakatira sa min, bakit hindi raw ako nabubuntis, bakit mga bakla daw ang pinatitira ko sa bahay. ang tanging sagot ko ay: pakialam nyo!?! up yours all of you friggin' sons of bitches!!!
doon tumitira si keith sa bahay kasi malapit yon sa opisina nya. isa pa, alam ng parents ko na sa bahay nila tumutuloy si keith. his parents also know he stays ay place. so what's the problem?! that we aren't married?! oh please! at hindi ako nabubuntis kasi nagko-kontrol kami. do they think that keith and i are mindless enough to just jump into bed together without thinking about precaution?! if they do, they're a lot more dumber than i thought. bakla ang pinatitira ko sa bahay kasi bakla ang mga kaibigan ko. at ano ngayon kung bakla sila?! this has only served to confirm what i have thought of weeks ago. my dear neighbors/relatives connived and conspired to make geisha and his boyfriend go away. sinulsulan nga nila ang ate ko. hmp!
at ang pasimuno siguro ng panunulsol na iyan ay ang magaling kong tiyuhin kasama ang nakatatandang kapatid ng tatay ko. por dios! ke tatanda na eh tsismis pa rin ang inaatupag. bakit ba hindi na lang mga buhay nila ang busisiin nila at hindi buhay ko at ng pamilya ko? i really wouldn't have mind all this racket if it weren't for the same uncle threatening keith. he told my sister to tell me that he doesn't approve of keith and that he is noisy. susme! isang beses lang nagkakatok si keih sa bahay ng alanganing oras. and that was because he left his keys. sabi pa ng demonyo kong tiyo, mag-ingat daw si keith at baka barilin na lang daw nya minsan. Putangina! Ano kala nya sa boyfriend ko, kuting?!
i could only shake my head in anger and disgust. how dare this people. sino sila para humusga at magbanta? ang tiyo kong yan... hah! may kalalagyan sya pag nagkataon. ipapa-blotter ko na sya para kung ano't anuman eh may record na sya. does he think that i will let him get away with that? i am too smart for dumbasses like him. like all of them.
sigh. sigh. and more sighs. thru all this keith hugged me and kissed me and said everything will be all right. my greatest fear right now is not the memo at work, not my sister or her husband. it's keith. i don't want anything bad to happen to him. it pains me to admit this, but i think it would be best if he moves back to his parents. but i don't think he would... *sigh*
my sister's husband came over to our place yesterday... no. i won't start on my sister. not today. i want to give myself a break. i'll be putting all my family worries on the back burner for now. i'm thinking about the vacant positions available for the taking in the office. should i go for it? should i wait it out?
my heart palpitates just thinking about sending in my resume. i want to be the next senior rep or team lead here in the office. i know that i'll be able to do the job real well but... i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll be measured and weighed and found lacking. i'm scared that i won't be able to fulfill my superiors' expectations. my head will definitely be above my heart when i go for either senior rep or tl position. i know that i am not the only worthy candidate. in fact, there are a lot of reps here that would probably fit the bill better... but oh! i really want it...
let me pause in silence for a little soul-searching...
my heart palpitates just thinking about sending in my resume. i want to be the next senior rep or team lead here in the office. i know that i'll be able to do the job real well but... i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll be measured and weighed and found lacking. i'm scared that i won't be able to fulfill my superiors' expectations. my head will definitely be above my heart when i go for either senior rep or tl position. i know that i am not the only worthy candidate. in fact, there are a lot of reps here that would probably fit the bill better... but oh! i really want it...
let me pause in silence for a little soul-searching...
i don't feel like doing anything today. i don't want to work. i don't want to read. i don't want to watch anything. i just want to sit and stare and think. my head is filled with thoughts of what i want to do, what i need to do, what i can do and what i can't. i feel like it's about ready to explode. my head is tired and all i want to do today is to sit and stare and listen to my heart.
i want to stay still and hear my heart beat. i want to listen to its thoughts and what it's trying to say. i want to know if it's still happy. if it's as tired beating as my mind is tired of thinking.
there are so many things i want done but i can't seem to find the energy or dedication to finish them. all my goals seem to have gone farther from me instead of closer. i could do what i want but what i truly long for i can't even begin to start.
sad thoughts. my head and my heart, filled with sad thoughts and unfulfilled longings. all sad thoughts. no wonder i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to do anything anymore.
i am stuck once again with no luck at finding the back door.
i want to stay still and hear my heart beat. i want to listen to its thoughts and what it's trying to say. i want to know if it's still happy. if it's as tired beating as my mind is tired of thinking.
there are so many things i want done but i can't seem to find the energy or dedication to finish them. all my goals seem to have gone farther from me instead of closer. i could do what i want but what i truly long for i can't even begin to start.
sad thoughts. my head and my heart, filled with sad thoughts and unfulfilled longings. all sad thoughts. no wonder i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to do anything anymore.
i am stuck once again with no luck at finding the back door.
umalis na si geisha sa bahay. kanina lang. inaway sila ng magaling kong ate. and all the while that they were getting crap from my sister, i was getting the same from her thru text messages.
sabi ni ate bastos daw dahil gabi na eh ang ingay-ingay pa daw. kesyo yung mga sapatos eh diretso lang hanggang kwarto. kesyo ang ingay pag umaakyat sa hagdanan kahit na alam na maynatutulog... o sige na. sige na... so maingay sila, magulo at mahilig manood ng tv hanggang madaling araw. eh ok lang naman yon di ba? kasi gising sila hanggang madaling araw eh. yung mga sapatos naman eh wala na kami dapat pakialam kung iakyat dun sa kwarto nila. they are renting that room so they could do anything they please with that room. labas na kami doon. isa pa, hindi naman kasi sya dapat nandito eh.
that's the main point. she shouldn't be bothered by any of geisha's habits because she isn't supposed to be staying long in the house. she should be back to bacolod by now. but she opted to leave her kids and stay here despite knowing there is no place for her to sleep here. and now she's creating such a riot.
ang ayos at linis ng bahay bago sya dumating. ngayon ang dumi-dumi na. at wag nya sabihin na kasalanan nina geisha yun dahil mga kaldero at gamit nya ang nakakalat sa kusina at banyo. tingin ko nagawa lang sya ng dahilan para umalis sina geisha. masama man sa loob ko, pinaalis ko na sila kesa naman pag-initan pan ng hudas kong kapatid. alam ko naman na gusto ng maldita kong kapatid na umalis sina giesha para sya naman ang matulog dun sa kwarto nung mga yon. o siguro, may nakausap sya na kasundo nya na magre-renta dun sa kabilang kwarto.
hay! stress talaga!!!
i don't want to be paranoid but knowing how my sister's devious mind works, she will soon have me and keith packing. yep. no doubt about that. susulsulan sya ng mga demonyo naming kamag-anak na paalisin ako at tulad ng ginawa nya kina geisha, maghahabi sya ng kwento sa nanay ko. magrereklamo ng kesyo ganito at ganun ako. well, we won't be sisters if i don't have a devious mind myself. panahon na para ipahati ang lupa namin sa makati. o siguro dapat ibenta na lang. at tingnan natin kung san sya tatakbo pag wala na talaga syang matitirhan dito. pasensyahan kami pareho.
sabi ni ate bastos daw dahil gabi na eh ang ingay-ingay pa daw. kesyo yung mga sapatos eh diretso lang hanggang kwarto. kesyo ang ingay pag umaakyat sa hagdanan kahit na alam na maynatutulog... o sige na. sige na... so maingay sila, magulo at mahilig manood ng tv hanggang madaling araw. eh ok lang naman yon di ba? kasi gising sila hanggang madaling araw eh. yung mga sapatos naman eh wala na kami dapat pakialam kung iakyat dun sa kwarto nila. they are renting that room so they could do anything they please with that room. labas na kami doon. isa pa, hindi naman kasi sya dapat nandito eh.
that's the main point. she shouldn't be bothered by any of geisha's habits because she isn't supposed to be staying long in the house. she should be back to bacolod by now. but she opted to leave her kids and stay here despite knowing there is no place for her to sleep here. and now she's creating such a riot.
ang ayos at linis ng bahay bago sya dumating. ngayon ang dumi-dumi na. at wag nya sabihin na kasalanan nina geisha yun dahil mga kaldero at gamit nya ang nakakalat sa kusina at banyo. tingin ko nagawa lang sya ng dahilan para umalis sina geisha. masama man sa loob ko, pinaalis ko na sila kesa naman pag-initan pan ng hudas kong kapatid. alam ko naman na gusto ng maldita kong kapatid na umalis sina giesha para sya naman ang matulog dun sa kwarto nung mga yon. o siguro, may nakausap sya na kasundo nya na magre-renta dun sa kabilang kwarto.
hay! stress talaga!!!
i don't want to be paranoid but knowing how my sister's devious mind works, she will soon have me and keith packing. yep. no doubt about that. susulsulan sya ng mga demonyo naming kamag-anak na paalisin ako at tulad ng ginawa nya kina geisha, maghahabi sya ng kwento sa nanay ko. magrereklamo ng kesyo ganito at ganun ako. well, we won't be sisters if i don't have a devious mind myself. panahon na para ipahati ang lupa namin sa makati. o siguro dapat ibenta na lang. at tingnan natin kung san sya tatakbo pag wala na talaga syang matitirhan dito. pasensyahan kami pareho.
ang bilis ng panahon. mga tatlong linggo na rin ang kapatid ko dito sa maynila. sa loob ng 3 linggong iyon nagawa nyang makapag-ayos ng negosyo nya at maibenta ang halos lahat ng gamit sa bahay namin. yung tv rack, yung washing machine (na tita ni keith ang bumili), yung kabinet, pati na yung sofa set na regalo sa nanay ko binenta nya. grabe nga daw makabenta ng gamit ang kapatid ko eh sabi ni keith. parang hikahos na hikahos daw sa pera. eh hindi nga ba?! anyway, she was able to send money to her kids and she even got her daughter a cellphone. it's not bad... not bad at all...
PERO ang dumi ng bahay. as in! nagkalat ang mga gamit ng kapatid ko sa sala. yung mga pinaglutuan nya ng tinda nya eh umaabot hanggang sa may hagdanan at banyo namin. hay! ang banyo!isang malaking EWWW!!! tulad ng nakagawian ng ate ko eh iniiwan lang nya yung hinubad nya dun. keber na may kasama syang hindi nya kamag-anak sa bahay!
oh well... some things never change. my sister is too set in her ways to EVER change them. she will never listen to my mom or to me or my dad. she will never learn to accept her mistakes but would rather blame it on others. but i'm happy that she's trying to stand up on her own and provide for her children. maybe i shouldn't be too quick in my judgment. maybe she will change for the better.
i hope so. for my darling nieces' and nephew's sake. i hope so.
but i won't hold my breath...
PERO ang dumi ng bahay. as in! nagkalat ang mga gamit ng kapatid ko sa sala. yung mga pinaglutuan nya ng tinda nya eh umaabot hanggang sa may hagdanan at banyo namin. hay! ang banyo!isang malaking EWWW!!! tulad ng nakagawian ng ate ko eh iniiwan lang nya yung hinubad nya dun. keber na may kasama syang hindi nya kamag-anak sa bahay!
oh well... some things never change. my sister is too set in her ways to EVER change them. she will never listen to my mom or to me or my dad. she will never learn to accept her mistakes but would rather blame it on others. but i'm happy that she's trying to stand up on her own and provide for her children. maybe i shouldn't be too quick in my judgment. maybe she will change for the better.
i hope so. for my darling nieces' and nephew's sake. i hope so.
but i won't hold my breath...
i have finally gotten my wish. i am no longer living all by myself in my parent's too-big-for-one-person house. i now have keith with me and my good friend geisha as a roomie. it's all a dream come true...*sigh*
until my sister came from bacolod last week.
STRESS!!!!!!!!!!
grabeh... as in!!! mahal ko ang kapatid ko pero mas mahal ko sya pag malayo sya sa kin. we've never been that close to begin with. we have an eight-year gap. i am the sibling she didn't want to have. she regards me as "the favored one". she has this little habits that i just can't tolerate. for me to expect the 2 of us to live in harmony is preposterous.
pero ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? andito na sya eh. she was all quiet and i think, depressed, over the recent break-up she had with her husband. this is not the first time this happened. but i think this may be the last. the husband has packed up and left without a word to her about what they're gonna do with the kids. both of them assumed, i suppose, that my mom and dad are gonna live forever and provide for their children. *sigh*
STRESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so ngayon, unti-unti nyang ibinebenta ang mga gamit na ipinundar nya sa tulong ng perang padala ng asawa nya nung nasa Saudi Arabia pa ito. ok fine. gamit naman nila yon. pero pareho kaming nanghihinayang ni keith. mahirap magpundar ng gamit sa panahon ngayon. tapos ganun-ganun lang ibebenta... tsk!tsk!tsk! at sabi ng ate ko gusto daw nyang magmini-business sa baranggay namin. at wala na rin syang balak balikan ang mga anak nya sa bacolod. kaya naman daw alagaan ng nanay ko yung mga anak nya eh. 60 mahigit na nanay ko... pag-aalagain nya ng apat na bata?!?
STRESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
until my sister came from bacolod last week.
STRESS!!!!!!!!!!
grabeh... as in!!! mahal ko ang kapatid ko pero mas mahal ko sya pag malayo sya sa kin. we've never been that close to begin with. we have an eight-year gap. i am the sibling she didn't want to have. she regards me as "the favored one". she has this little habits that i just can't tolerate. for me to expect the 2 of us to live in harmony is preposterous.
pero ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? andito na sya eh. she was all quiet and i think, depressed, over the recent break-up she had with her husband. this is not the first time this happened. but i think this may be the last. the husband has packed up and left without a word to her about what they're gonna do with the kids. both of them assumed, i suppose, that my mom and dad are gonna live forever and provide for their children. *sigh*
STRESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so ngayon, unti-unti nyang ibinebenta ang mga gamit na ipinundar nya sa tulong ng perang padala ng asawa nya nung nasa Saudi Arabia pa ito. ok fine. gamit naman nila yon. pero pareho kaming nanghihinayang ni keith. mahirap magpundar ng gamit sa panahon ngayon. tapos ganun-ganun lang ibebenta... tsk!tsk!tsk! at sabi ng ate ko gusto daw nyang magmini-business sa baranggay namin. at wala na rin syang balak balikan ang mga anak nya sa bacolod. kaya naman daw alagaan ng nanay ko yung mga anak nya eh. 60 mahigit na nanay ko... pag-aalagain nya ng apat na bata?!?
STRESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new template?
hay!!! hindi ko na lang talaga alam ang gagawin ko...
may bago na kong template... promise! meron na talaga. hindi ko lang matapos-tapos. grrr...
i am once again at the end of my tether. pray for me...
may bago na kong template... promise! meron na talaga. hindi ko lang matapos-tapos. grrr...
i am once again at the end of my tether. pray for me...
peach roses
second year anniversary namin ni keith kahapon...
grabe... dalawang taon na pala kaming naglolokohan... charing! heeheheheh... sino nga ba ang mag-aakala na aabot kami ng ganito katagal?! kahit ako eh nag-alangan din. i still have doubts if he's actually the one for me or not. pero tingin ko sya na talaga eh. as in!
nagkita kami kahapon. syempre. anniv eh. kumain kami sa subway sa may shangri-la. tuwang-tuwa ako kasi feeling beauty queen ako habang hawak-hawak ko yung bigay nya sa king roses. 3 peach roses. peach para naman daw maiba. ang sweet noh?!? i was so touched by his gesture. kasi starting pa lang sa trabaho ang bf ko eh... so syempre, ala pang pera. tilad ng dati, mega-tipid na naman siya mabilhan lang ako ng "luho" ko. ehehhehe...
kumpleto na sana katuwaan ko kung hindi lang nya sinabi sa kin na ninakaw lang nya yung roses...
gusto ko na talaga umiyak habang palakad kami pabalik sa opisina. hindi ko na nga hinawakan yung bulaklak eh. di bale nang walang roses o kung wala syang gift sa kin. wag lang sya magnakaw! sus! di ko alam kung matutuwa ako sa kanya o ihahampas ko sa kanya yung roses eh. at gusto nya pa dalhin ko sa office at ipagyabang yung nakaw nya na roses!eeewwww... no way!
paakyat na ako sa office nung sinabi nya sa kin :"Hoy gaga kunin mo na 'to! mahal din ang bili ko dyan sa flower shop!"
grrr!!!...
grabe... dalawang taon na pala kaming naglolokohan... charing! heeheheheh... sino nga ba ang mag-aakala na aabot kami ng ganito katagal?! kahit ako eh nag-alangan din. i still have doubts if he's actually the one for me or not. pero tingin ko sya na talaga eh. as in!
nagkita kami kahapon. syempre. anniv eh. kumain kami sa subway sa may shangri-la. tuwang-tuwa ako kasi feeling beauty queen ako habang hawak-hawak ko yung bigay nya sa king roses. 3 peach roses. peach para naman daw maiba. ang sweet noh?!? i was so touched by his gesture. kasi starting pa lang sa trabaho ang bf ko eh... so syempre, ala pang pera. tilad ng dati, mega-tipid na naman siya mabilhan lang ako ng "luho" ko. ehehhehe...
kumpleto na sana katuwaan ko kung hindi lang nya sinabi sa kin na ninakaw lang nya yung roses...
gusto ko na talaga umiyak habang palakad kami pabalik sa opisina. hindi ko na nga hinawakan yung bulaklak eh. di bale nang walang roses o kung wala syang gift sa kin. wag lang sya magnakaw! sus! di ko alam kung matutuwa ako sa kanya o ihahampas ko sa kanya yung roses eh. at gusto nya pa dalhin ko sa office at ipagyabang yung nakaw nya na roses!eeewwww... no way!
paakyat na ako sa office nung sinabi nya sa kin :"Hoy gaga kunin mo na 'to! mahal din ang bili ko dyan sa flower shop!"
grrr!!!...
it's been a hell of a month!
yep... been thru so much i didn't even have time to blog. no time to even change my layout. grrr... *sigh* it's one of the perils of living on your own. you don't have much time for anything. your days are filled with going to and from work , paying your bills, cleaning the house, doing your laundry... on top of that i also have to be loving girlfriend, caring friend, and concerned daughter...
i feel ready to replace wonderwoman.
yep... been thru so much i didn't even have time to blog. no time to even change my layout. grrr... *sigh* it's one of the perils of living on your own. you don't have much time for anything. your days are filled with going to and from work , paying your bills, cleaning the house, doing your laundry... on top of that i also have to be loving girlfriend, caring friend, and concerned daughter...
i feel ready to replace wonderwoman.
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