it's been a month since i last blogged. christmas has come and gone. new year is just a few days away... keith has started on his new job. he's enjoying it. i'm so happy for him.
we're still on for the wedding. yes, still pushing thru despite my family's annoyance, especially my mom's. i have realized three weeks ago, thru another horrific phone call with my mom, that they are against the impending marriage. why? i have no idea. it could be because they think i'm still too young. or maybe because they're scared. fear makes people say and do the stupidest things. we got into a fight about the invitations which have not been sent out and will not be sent out till a month before the wedding. and that is still 7 months away.
she wanted me to invite my father's relatives. the same people who mocked my family. the same people who talked behind my back. the very people who looked down on me and my family and called us names. the people who threatened to shoot my soon-to-be husband if he doesn't "shape up". i put my foot down and refused her request.
she told me she won't go then. she said i should be grateful because these people took me in; that i should forget the past and bury whatever cruel things they said and did. she said that it would be an embarrassment to her and my dad if they are the only ones to go to my wedding; it would be just an invitation, a "socially correct" gesture. pabalat-bunga lang. she even went on to say something to the effect of " you share their last name and it's important that they are also there."
well, i don't go for that crap. if i don't like someone, i don't like him. i won't go out of my way to perform a "socially correct" gesture to people i do not like. if the occasion calls for it, i could be civil towards them. but that occasion shouldn't be my wedding. i explained to her that the number of guests are at a minimum. it's because we are on a budget and that we want a small, intimate affair. only the people absolutely close to us would be there. i told her that my last name should not be an issue. if they want their last name back, then they could have it. besides, my last name will soon be changed.
she got nasty and said that if that's how i look at things then she would go to the nearest civil registry and have it changed to the "original" name i have. that did it. that just broke me. she keeps on saying that i should forget about my being adopted but then here she is, slapping it in front of my face during an argument i feel we shouldn't even be having.
fine. let's invite those good-for-nothing bastard and bitches. after all, i'm sure they will have the decency not to go. yah, right. i cried and cried the whole day. i sobered up just before going home. i don't want keith to know i've been crying the whole day. besides, i have to break the news to him about some uninvited guests being invited and i want to be able to say it right. on our way home, i broke down and told him the call i had with my mom. he hugged me and said " if they have to be invited, then we'll invite them. i'll be civil with them. you'll be civil with them. that's it."
i have to hand it to keith. everything seems so easy for him. everything is "ok, fine, let's get it on." he spoke with my mom the other day to greet them a merry christmas. i don't have the courage to speak with them yet. the last phone call was too much for me i guess. keith told her that i have a bad case of sore throat and cold which is very much true. at some point during their talk, keith called me to his side. i saw tears burning in his eyes. he mouthed the words "i love you" and hugged me close. i must have looked quizzical because he then pulled up his phone, opened it to write me a message, and wrote this down in between short answers to my mom: " your mom is ranting about the invitations. she is not happy about the wedding."
i hugged him back.
keith asked me if i was happy this christmas. i told him i was. i could be happier, really... but then again i got a few gifts from his family, my family is safe in bacolod, keith and i both have jobs and are safe and healthy, i have friends who love and care for me and showered me with gifts this holiday season (unlike some people i know who hardly got any!)...i have keith. i'm thankful... and happy... for all that.
keith and i have been losing valuable sleep over his job interviews and applications. nagkasabay-sabay kasi. he's determined to leave his current job (which sucks big time) and move on to better, greener pastures. i couldn't agree with him more. he was bent on landing himself a good, stable job that it just broke my heart to hear him say that he was denied yet again when he called me in the office yesterday afternoon.
Keith: i'm a bum baby. i can't get myself a job. i'm a bum.
Ice: aww c'mon. that's just one stupid company.you'll get another offer. and it'll be better than this one. you'll see.
Keith: hmp! to hell with them all! pinasa ko na nga pala resignation letter ko. wala na akong trabaho baby. i'm a bum.
he kept on saying that he's a bum all throughout the ride home. he bought me one of my fave cake and said that he doesn't have any money anymore. he bought me cake because he soon won't be able to give me anything. because he's a bum. *sigh*. like i frigging care...
we ate some of the cake and prepared to catch some zzz's. he asked me to look at the profile of the firm that turned him down. i sat next to him on the bed and opened the folder he offered to me. it read on top:
Below the referral form was another sheet of paper saying:
i was so surprised i cried and laughed at the same time.
Keith: i'm a bum baby. i can't get myself a job. i'm a bum.
Ice: aww c'mon. that's just one stupid company.you'll get another offer. and it'll be better than this one. you'll see.
Keith: hmp! to hell with them all! pinasa ko na nga pala resignation letter ko. wala na akong trabaho baby. i'm a bum.
he kept on saying that he's a bum all throughout the ride home. he bought me one of my fave cake and said that he doesn't have any money anymore. he bought me cake because he soon won't be able to give me anything. because he's a bum. *sigh*. like i frigging care...
we ate some of the cake and prepared to catch some zzz's. he asked me to look at the profile of the firm that turned him down. i sat next to him on the bed and opened the folder he offered to me. it read on top:
We are referring Keith Hidalgo to your clinic for a complete pre-employment medical exam.
Below the referral form was another sheet of paper saying:
Welcome to S****!
We are pleased to offer to you the following position and benefits...
i was so surprised i cried and laughed at the same time.
while in the midst of planning for my wedding, i applied for an open position here in the office. it's my 3rd, maybe 4th, application for a higher position this year. this time it's for QA. i do hope i land the promotion. i have always eyed the QA position but this wasn't available to us Level 1's before. now, the opportunity has come. and i've grabbed it of course. i do hope i get. really.
if i don't get it, well... it's either i'm a dumb, irresponsible employee (which i don't believe i am) or maybe management is dumb and irresponsible (which i believe they are at times). i am hoping against hope. i really want this. could you see me bleeding? it's how much i want to be in this position.
all the details for my wedding are set. we've saved up enough to pay for the church where the ceremony will be held. we're now saving up for the rest of the payments we need to make. somehow, i know we'll be able to pull this thru. somehow, some way... we will pull this thru.
and i'll make sure to ace that frigging interview for the QA position!
if i don't get it, well... it's either i'm a dumb, irresponsible employee (which i don't believe i am) or maybe management is dumb and irresponsible (which i believe they are at times). i am hoping against hope. i really want this. could you see me bleeding? it's how much i want to be in this position.
all the details for my wedding are set. we've saved up enough to pay for the church where the ceremony will be held. we're now saving up for the rest of the payments we need to make. somehow, i know we'll be able to pull this thru. somehow, some way... we will pull this thru.
and i'll make sure to ace that frigging interview for the QA position!
keith and i had a long talk last night. i was argumentative at the start of the conversation, then i bawled my eyes out, and then i feel asleep in his arms.
keith and i rarely have screaming matches. that's a good thing i suppose. i don't like screaming matches at all. and keith doesn't like them either. we discussed money matters, the wedding... he doesn't want to call it off. i admire him for his certainty. he is so sure of himself that nothing shakes him. absolutely nothing. he asked me if i want to get married now, like right now.
i said no.
his silence told me that wasn't the reply he was expecting. but i couldn't lie to him, not even to save his pride.
he hugged me tighter and asked me why. i said all the reasons i could think of. we're strapped for cash, i don't think we'd be able to pull it off, he hasn't reahed his goals yet and so have i, my nieces and nephews won't be there, etcetera, etcetera.
he said he just don't understand why i suddenly wanted to put a stop to everything when it was a mere few days ago i was ranting about how great the menu we have was. this whole ugly tricycle incident came up and bam! i want to call off everything.
i cried then. and he just held me all thru the night.
keith and i rarely have screaming matches. that's a good thing i suppose. i don't like screaming matches at all. and keith doesn't like them either. we discussed money matters, the wedding... he doesn't want to call it off. i admire him for his certainty. he is so sure of himself that nothing shakes him. absolutely nothing. he asked me if i want to get married now, like right now.
i said no.
his silence told me that wasn't the reply he was expecting. but i couldn't lie to him, not even to save his pride.
he hugged me tighter and asked me why. i said all the reasons i could think of. we're strapped for cash, i don't think we'd be able to pull it off, he hasn't reahed his goals yet and so have i, my nieces and nephews won't be there, etcetera, etcetera.
he said he just don't understand why i suddenly wanted to put a stop to everything when it was a mere few days ago i was ranting about how great the menu we have was. this whole ugly tricycle incident came up and bam! i want to call off everything.
i cried then. and he just held me all thru the night.
after that very bad phone call, i resumed my day as if it's like any other day. but thoughts were racing thru my head. like, what if keith and i just call the whole wedding off? i mean, we're obviously strapped for cash. his parents, although willing to provide for the venue and all the moral support they could offer, bless them, could not offer any monetary support. the same goes for my parents. and it's not like we're asking for money but it's so obvious to me that we do need to have more money. i'm afraid that the "simple" wedding we're planning to have is still going to cost us a lot.
and then i got to thinking about me not having a bank account of my own. still. i mean, isn't that a goal that i haven't achieved yet? and what about my plans of going out of the country? and studying a foreing language?
and what about my parents? suddenly, they are like these monsters. and what's that crap about my nieces and nephews not coming over to join the wedding? so it's just going to be just my mom and dad? bullshit! that's utter bullshit! why is it that they don't seem to be happy for me? why do i feel like they resent me? is it just me, with all my guilt at not being able to provide for them like what they have been asking me to? is it because they don't like the idea of me tying the knot?
i just had to talk with someone. and so i talked with prima. and she said that if i'll get married then it should be when and where i want to with the person that i want to do it with. she said i should just forget about what everybody thinks and stop and listen to what i think.
*sigh* if only it were that simple.
and then i got to thinking about me not having a bank account of my own. still. i mean, isn't that a goal that i haven't achieved yet? and what about my plans of going out of the country? and studying a foreing language?
and what about my parents? suddenly, they are like these monsters. and what's that crap about my nieces and nephews not coming over to join the wedding? so it's just going to be just my mom and dad? bullshit! that's utter bullshit! why is it that they don't seem to be happy for me? why do i feel like they resent me? is it just me, with all my guilt at not being able to provide for them like what they have been asking me to? is it because they don't like the idea of me tying the knot?
i just had to talk with someone. and so i talked with prima. and she said that if i'll get married then it should be when and where i want to with the person that i want to do it with. she said i should just forget about what everybody thinks and stop and listen to what i think.
*sigh* if only it were that simple.
my day started with several calls and text messages from my sister. i need to call my mom because they have something very important to tell me. and it has to be like NOW!
i called them and apparently they need money, about 24 thousand pesopesoses, to buy this secondhand tricycle. my mom said it's for her. a new business that she wants to put up. she'll buy the freakin' vehicle and have my sister's husband drive it. ok. not bad. where will i get the fucking 24 thousand pesopesoses though?
i do not have 24 thousand bucks. i only have about 5 thousand. and that money's for the wedding. ah yes, the wedding. it's coming up in july, by the way. but mom pooh-poohed and said that's still too far and that i shouldn't worry and that no, to save money, my beloved nieces and nephews shouldn't go at all. besides, they wouldn't be able to skip class on that so far off date. dad said that they really need the money like RIGHT NOW and that they need 24 freaking thousands. oh what? yah, i don't have any money on me. really. seriously. aw, that's too bad.mom butted in and said well, then we'll just have to figure out a way. yes, too bad keith and i only have 8 thousand to loan to you right now. oh yes, it's all right, you'll pay us by january. no problem. oh and you'll make sure to pay me by then because you don't want me to be fucking lacking in anything.
i agreed to sending them all the money keith and i have saved up for the wedding so far. i told them i'd send it as soon as i could. then my mom hung up. and i hung up. and i cried.
in all my 3 years working in a call center answering calls and talking with people from all walks of life, the phone call i had with my parents was the worse.
i called them and apparently they need money, about 24 thousand pesopesoses, to buy this secondhand tricycle. my mom said it's for her. a new business that she wants to put up. she'll buy the freakin' vehicle and have my sister's husband drive it. ok. not bad. where will i get the fucking 24 thousand pesopesoses though?
i do not have 24 thousand bucks. i only have about 5 thousand. and that money's for the wedding. ah yes, the wedding. it's coming up in july, by the way. but mom pooh-poohed and said that's still too far and that i shouldn't worry and that no, to save money, my beloved nieces and nephews shouldn't go at all. besides, they wouldn't be able to skip class on that so far off date. dad said that they really need the money like RIGHT NOW and that they need 24 freaking thousands. oh what? yah, i don't have any money on me. really. seriously. aw, that's too bad.mom butted in and said well, then we'll just have to figure out a way. yes, too bad keith and i only have 8 thousand to loan to you right now. oh yes, it's all right, you'll pay us by january. no problem. oh and you'll make sure to pay me by then because you don't want me to be fucking lacking in anything.
i agreed to sending them all the money keith and i have saved up for the wedding so far. i told them i'd send it as soon as i could. then my mom hung up. and i hung up. and i cried.
in all my 3 years working in a call center answering calls and talking with people from all walks of life, the phone call i had with my parents was the worse.
the gown
i've finally decided on a gown. after coursing thru theknot.com's huge collection of designers and gowns, i go right back to the gown that i have decided on a year ago.
it's simple and elegant. just the way i want it. i don't want to wear a gown with a ton of beadwork that will just weigh me down and make me look like it's the gown that's wearing me instead of the other way around.
*sigh*. it's so pretty...
keith and i are seriously considering not having a church wedding but a civil ceremony instead. money is tight these days and to spend a huge amount for a one-time affair seems foolish. the house in makati, where we will be spending most of our time, needs a few major repairs and we're thinking the money would be better spent on them. still... as angelo pointed out, we're getting married only once (hopefully!eheheheheh...) and it would definitely be better to have the wedding that we want.
hmmm...
can't we just elope and be done with it?...
hmmm...
can't we just elope and be done with it?...
crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday, crappy birthday...
crappy birthday to me.
*sigh*. if it weren't for keith and a few good friends who cheered me today, my birthday would have gone down the toilet. i supposed i should be thankful that i got to have the day off... but then again... maybe some people should have told me beforehand that my going out of town for my birthday would be nothing but a pipe dream. grrr...
crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday, crappy birthday...
crappy birthday to me.
*sigh*. if it weren't for keith and a few good friends who cheered me today, my birthday would have gone down the toilet. i supposed i should be thankful that i got to have the day off... but then again... maybe some people should have told me beforehand that my going out of town for my birthday would be nothing but a pipe dream. grrr...
i had a little chat with one of the newbies here in our team. apparently, she was once an officemate of my friend claire. not only was she an officemate, she also happens to be a confidante of claire's. she told me stories about how claire was at their office, her relationship with her husband and kids, her financial difficulty, her miscarriage... she told me things i didn't know. she spoke about incidents claire didn't tell me or laiza.
i saw claire a few months ago and i asked her if she was happy. she said it was difficult at times but she's happy. i took her word for it despite the heaviness in my heart. i felt her pain. the intangible connection we had that has sustained our relationship over the years has not been diminished by my resentment. i still feel her. i still feel for her. i looked into her beautiful eyes and saw thru the lie.
maybe she is happy amidst all the problems she has. we all have various levels of contentment and happiness. maybe she's happy with taking care of a husband and rearing children. maybe she's content with what she's doing with her life. maybe she's ok and i'm just thinking she's not because i think that having a husband and children at such a young age is inappropriate. i love her and what i wanted for her was to have a stable job and enjoy the fruits of her labor. i wanted her to enjoy having her own money. we both were always in need of cash when we were in school. we both wanted to get away from our parent's grasp, live freely and spend our money the way we see fit. i think she deserves better things that what she has now. i feel that she deserves someone better. but loving someone doesn't mean we know what's best for them or what makes them happy. i suppose it's time to let go of our broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. it's useless anyway. none of it will do anyone good.
she celebrated her 24th birthday last sunday, october 24. i was in the office and she doesn't have a cellphone so i wasn't able to greet her. i hope she had a happy birthday. a truly very happy birthday. i plan to ask her sometime soon. if she says she was then i'll take her word for it.
i saw claire a few months ago and i asked her if she was happy. she said it was difficult at times but she's happy. i took her word for it despite the heaviness in my heart. i felt her pain. the intangible connection we had that has sustained our relationship over the years has not been diminished by my resentment. i still feel her. i still feel for her. i looked into her beautiful eyes and saw thru the lie.
maybe she is happy amidst all the problems she has. we all have various levels of contentment and happiness. maybe she's happy with taking care of a husband and rearing children. maybe she's content with what she's doing with her life. maybe she's ok and i'm just thinking she's not because i think that having a husband and children at such a young age is inappropriate. i love her and what i wanted for her was to have a stable job and enjoy the fruits of her labor. i wanted her to enjoy having her own money. we both were always in need of cash when we were in school. we both wanted to get away from our parent's grasp, live freely and spend our money the way we see fit. i think she deserves better things that what she has now. i feel that she deserves someone better. but loving someone doesn't mean we know what's best for them or what makes them happy. i suppose it's time to let go of our broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. it's useless anyway. none of it will do anyone good.
she celebrated her 24th birthday last sunday, october 24. i was in the office and she doesn't have a cellphone so i wasn't able to greet her. i hope she had a happy birthday. a truly very happy birthday. i plan to ask her sometime soon. if she says she was then i'll take her word for it.
naiinis ako kay keith.
correction!
galit ako sa kanya.
hmp!
at hindi dahil sa nanakaw ang cellphone nya (na cellphone ko talaga dahil pinahiram ko sa kanya yon). galit ako kasi sinungaling sya. hmp! the nerve!!!
at sya pa ang may ganang mainis sa kin at sabihan ako na hindi ako nakakaintindi. hah! sya kaya ang maghintay buong magdamag para sa taong hindi naman pala darating. o kaya naman eh darating nga, lasing naman.
okey... okey. so he didn't ask me to wait up for him. but he called me at 3am, when i was slowly drifting to sleep and said that he'll be coming home. that he'll buy food and we'll eat together. so stupid little me decided to keep awake and wait.
and wait...
and wait some more...
ayan... gising na ang nanay nya tsaka kuya nya... ayan... umalis na kuya nya. hmmm... 4:30 na... umabot na siguro sya sa laguna... baka pabalik na sya ng muntinlupa... matawagan nga. ano ba ito? mga babaeng nagtatawanan lang naririnig ko... hmmm...
fine! matutulog na lang ako...
5am... uyyy... text... nasa bus na daw sya... grabe... 2 oras sya nag-instay ng bus? saan sya pupunta? sa pangasinan?...pipilitin ko matulog... promise!
515am...uyyy... si byron... o, nanakaw ang cellphone ni keith!... hah! karma. sinungaling kasi! ano ba naman kasi yung sabihin nya na iinom sila di ba? eh di hindi ko na sana sya hinintay at tinawagan. eh di hindi sana sya nagkukumahog na umuwi at sumakay ng bus. eh di sana nakapili sya ng bus na walang sakay na mandurukot (kung meron mang ganung bus sa metro manila!).
tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa kin na hindi ako marunong umintindi?! baka ikaw... insensitive ka kasi. sabagay... dati na naman eh.
so ang ending... ang lalaking pakakasalan ko, insensitive!
hmmm... parang di ko feel yon... hmmm...
maybe we should call off the wedding...
hmmm...
correction!
galit ako sa kanya.
hmp!
at hindi dahil sa nanakaw ang cellphone nya (na cellphone ko talaga dahil pinahiram ko sa kanya yon). galit ako kasi sinungaling sya. hmp! the nerve!!!
at sya pa ang may ganang mainis sa kin at sabihan ako na hindi ako nakakaintindi. hah! sya kaya ang maghintay buong magdamag para sa taong hindi naman pala darating. o kaya naman eh darating nga, lasing naman.
okey... okey. so he didn't ask me to wait up for him. but he called me at 3am, when i was slowly drifting to sleep and said that he'll be coming home. that he'll buy food and we'll eat together. so stupid little me decided to keep awake and wait.
and wait...
and wait some more...
ayan... gising na ang nanay nya tsaka kuya nya... ayan... umalis na kuya nya. hmmm... 4:30 na... umabot na siguro sya sa laguna... baka pabalik na sya ng muntinlupa... matawagan nga. ano ba ito? mga babaeng nagtatawanan lang naririnig ko... hmmm...
fine! matutulog na lang ako...
5am... uyyy... text... nasa bus na daw sya... grabe... 2 oras sya nag-instay ng bus? saan sya pupunta? sa pangasinan?...pipilitin ko matulog... promise!
515am...uyyy... si byron... o, nanakaw ang cellphone ni keith!... hah! karma. sinungaling kasi! ano ba naman kasi yung sabihin nya na iinom sila di ba? eh di hindi ko na sana sya hinintay at tinawagan. eh di hindi sana sya nagkukumahog na umuwi at sumakay ng bus. eh di sana nakapili sya ng bus na walang sakay na mandurukot (kung meron mang ganung bus sa metro manila!).
tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa kin na hindi ako marunong umintindi?! baka ikaw... insensitive ka kasi. sabagay... dati na naman eh.
so ang ending... ang lalaking pakakasalan ko, insensitive!
hmmm... parang di ko feel yon... hmmm...
maybe we should call off the wedding...
hmmm...
125lbs.
i am nine months away from the date we've set for the wedding. i have nine months to lose about 20 friggin' pounds. i need to or the gown might not fit. worse, i might end up looking like miss piggy on a wedding dress. or maybe a wedding dress with a pig. oink oink!
i weighed myself yesterday and surprise! surprise! i am 125lbs. crap! crap! crap!
i saw laiza last friday to hand over the cute, adorable kitten my supervisor gave me and the first words out of her mouth were: "what's wrong with you? are you pregnant?". cripes. everybody seems to think i am 'cause i am just so... big. fat. flabby. crap! crap! crap!
i am starting to get worried really. i wanna lose weight. i feel that this is also the reason why i haven't had my period yet. the preg kit returned a negative result and my ob just patted my hand and said not to worry. i am usually delayed and that might be just it. but what if i am not?!!
oh... i want to cry and scream all over the place. this must be pms. yah. the longest-running, most miserable pms ever. i'm fat. i feel bloated. i'm irritable. worse, i can't stop eating!!!
oh crap!
crap!crap!crap!
i weighed myself yesterday and surprise! surprise! i am 125lbs. crap! crap! crap!
i saw laiza last friday to hand over the cute, adorable kitten my supervisor gave me and the first words out of her mouth were: "what's wrong with you? are you pregnant?". cripes. everybody seems to think i am 'cause i am just so... big. fat. flabby. crap! crap! crap!
i am starting to get worried really. i wanna lose weight. i feel that this is also the reason why i haven't had my period yet. the preg kit returned a negative result and my ob just patted my hand and said not to worry. i am usually delayed and that might be just it. but what if i am not?!!
oh... i want to cry and scream all over the place. this must be pms. yah. the longest-running, most miserable pms ever. i'm fat. i feel bloated. i'm irritable. worse, i can't stop eating!!!
oh crap!
crap!crap!crap!
sunday night with keith
ice is leafing thru a dictionary. beside him is keith, playing diablo.
keith: hah! sige... bigyan mo ko ng kahit anong word dyan sa dictionary. i'm sure alam ko yan!
ice: sige. commodious.
keith: ha? ano yon?
mwahahahahaha!... i just love this guy...
keith: hah! sige... bigyan mo ko ng kahit anong word dyan sa dictionary. i'm sure alam ko yan!
ice: sige. commodious.
keith: ha? ano yon?
mwahahahahaha!... i just love this guy...
the saga
i am depressed.
i have been eating more then normal, sleeping more than usual. i can't get my ass off to do anything. even going to the bathroom to answer the call of nature seems such a task. i haven't blogged for ages... no doubt about it. i'm depressed. and this has nothing to do whatsoever with keith and our upcoming wedding. that's the only thing that's going for me right now. what's bugging me is work. it's no longer... uhmmm... fun? productive? interesting? all of the above?
it all started with my aspirations to be the next senior rep or team lead. i applied, was interviewed and was denied the position. it seems quick and painless but it's not like that at all. i applied knowing full well what i am up against. i had my head above my heart. i knew there's 50-50 chance that i'd get in. i gave the interview my best shot. but i suppose my best was not enough. management chose 3 people among the applicants to be the next senior reps and team lead. and i wasn't on the list.
i spoke to my manager about it. why wasn't i considered? he couldn't look me in the eye and tell it straight to my face. all i was asking was simple enough to my thinking. was it because my performance paled in comparison to the other applicants? was it because i am too "assertive"? am i pushy? what? why wasn't i up there with the other 2? what's wrong with me? it's like a break up scene. boy is breaking up with girl and girl is asking herself and the boy... what did i do wrong? why are you leaving me?
a day after speaking with my manager, i got an email from my supervisor. she said that i have shown great dependability and that i did great during the interview. she said i am a valued member of the team and that they would like to see me take on new challenges. ok. so i'm a valued team player and that i aced the interview. my question was still unanswered... why didn't i land the position?
i have been in the call center business as level one representative for 3 years now. whatever goals i have set for myself, whatever assignment i have been given by my team lead... i have fulfilled these duties. and i believe i have performed them well. otherwise, i would have been told so. i am eager for new tasks and responsibilities. work is becoming boring and i want to take on new challenges to liven it up. how can i if no one will give me the chance?
i suppose it's asking too much, to have a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful career at the same time. no one can have the best of both worlds, that's what they say. i'm not asking for that either way. i'm just surprised and saddened by the turn of events. knowing how my mind works, i'll be back up in no time. i just need to get over this phase.
i hope it's just a phase.
i have been eating more then normal, sleeping more than usual. i can't get my ass off to do anything. even going to the bathroom to answer the call of nature seems such a task. i haven't blogged for ages... no doubt about it. i'm depressed. and this has nothing to do whatsoever with keith and our upcoming wedding. that's the only thing that's going for me right now. what's bugging me is work. it's no longer... uhmmm... fun? productive? interesting? all of the above?
it all started with my aspirations to be the next senior rep or team lead. i applied, was interviewed and was denied the position. it seems quick and painless but it's not like that at all. i applied knowing full well what i am up against. i had my head above my heart. i knew there's 50-50 chance that i'd get in. i gave the interview my best shot. but i suppose my best was not enough. management chose 3 people among the applicants to be the next senior reps and team lead. and i wasn't on the list.
i spoke to my manager about it. why wasn't i considered? he couldn't look me in the eye and tell it straight to my face. all i was asking was simple enough to my thinking. was it because my performance paled in comparison to the other applicants? was it because i am too "assertive"? am i pushy? what? why wasn't i up there with the other 2? what's wrong with me? it's like a break up scene. boy is breaking up with girl and girl is asking herself and the boy... what did i do wrong? why are you leaving me?
a day after speaking with my manager, i got an email from my supervisor. she said that i have shown great dependability and that i did great during the interview. she said i am a valued member of the team and that they would like to see me take on new challenges. ok. so i'm a valued team player and that i aced the interview. my question was still unanswered... why didn't i land the position?
i have been in the call center business as level one representative for 3 years now. whatever goals i have set for myself, whatever assignment i have been given by my team lead... i have fulfilled these duties. and i believe i have performed them well. otherwise, i would have been told so. i am eager for new tasks and responsibilities. work is becoming boring and i want to take on new challenges to liven it up. how can i if no one will give me the chance?
i suppose it's asking too much, to have a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful career at the same time. no one can have the best of both worlds, that's what they say. i'm not asking for that either way. i'm just surprised and saddened by the turn of events. knowing how my mind works, i'll be back up in no time. i just need to get over this phase.
i hope it's just a phase.
ang mundo ko ngayon ay umiikot lang sa maliit kong kwarto. ayoko na lumabas at makihalubilo sa mga kapitbahay. wala naman silang kwenta lahat. wala rin ako balak kausapin ang kapatid ko. kasi wala rin naman sya kwenta kausap. lagi lang akong nasa kwarto ko. nagbabasa, nanunod ng tv, naglilinis, namamalantsa, nagpaplano ng mga kung anu-ano.
mahirap pero tinatyaga ko na lang. sa looban namin, matira ang matibay. ang pikon ay talo, ang mahina ang loob ay kawawa. hindi ako pikon at ayokong panghinaan ng loob. kelangan ko ipaglaban ang sa nararapat para sa akin. ayokong pa-api dahil hindi talaga ako papa-api.
kaya eto ako, nakatigil sa loob ng aking munting mundo. naghihintay ng pagkakataon. nanalangin na sana dumating ang araw na umayos ang lahat.
mahirap pero tinatyaga ko na lang. sa looban namin, matira ang matibay. ang pikon ay talo, ang mahina ang loob ay kawawa. hindi ako pikon at ayokong panghinaan ng loob. kelangan ko ipaglaban ang sa nararapat para sa akin. ayokong pa-api dahil hindi talaga ako papa-api.
kaya eto ako, nakatigil sa loob ng aking munting mundo. naghihintay ng pagkakataon. nanalangin na sana dumating ang araw na umayos ang lahat.
semi-productive
another semi-productive day in the office.
i am surfing, surfing and surfing...thinking, thinking and thinking. all for the coming wedding of course. ^_^ besides, i really don't feel like working. i'd much rather browse thru thousands of webpages bearing wedding gowns than go thru tens of emails.
the word is out. i am not going to be future senior rep or team lead. it is to be expected. as much as i would like to say more regarding this matter, i would rather keep mum about it. i don't want to dwell on the whys and the how comes and the buts... i don't want to think about management and their logic and their management style, if ever they have one.
i'll keep my thoughts to myself and to the few people i trust. things will come around, i'm sure. i'll once again get my groove back. for now, i'll allow myself the luxury of getting over the disappointment of being overlooked by management. for now, i'll give myself all the time to look for the perfect gown, set plans for the wedding i will star in next year.
on to the next gown...
i am surfing, surfing and surfing...thinking, thinking and thinking. all for the coming wedding of course. ^_^ besides, i really don't feel like working. i'd much rather browse thru thousands of webpages bearing wedding gowns than go thru tens of emails.
the word is out. i am not going to be future senior rep or team lead. it is to be expected. as much as i would like to say more regarding this matter, i would rather keep mum about it. i don't want to dwell on the whys and the how comes and the buts... i don't want to think about management and their logic and their management style, if ever they have one.
i'll keep my thoughts to myself and to the few people i trust. things will come around, i'm sure. i'll once again get my groove back. for now, i'll allow myself the luxury of getting over the disappointment of being overlooked by management. for now, i'll give myself all the time to look for the perfect gown, set plans for the wedding i will star in next year.
on to the next gown...
my notebook
i saw the notebook with chin and gayle. the movie was great and the company i was with even more. i am glad to have spent time with them. i missed chin... and gayle too even though we haven't been friends as long as she and chin have. they have offered valuable pieces of advice and i have once again come to them for enlightment. i am standing in the door of marriage and i badly need help.
so here comes 2 of my friends to the rescue. both single mothers, one not having been married and the other one, separated from the one she married. and there i was sitting smack in the midle of them. a single, attached woman of 23, thinking if she will marry her first love. or not.
both of them agree that i shouldn't get married right now. gayle, swearing she is not bitter over marriage, said that i should wait it out. i am young and there are still a lot of opportunities waiting for me. hmmm...true.
chin, on the other hand, also swearing she is not bitter over eternal coupledom, said that she doesn't mind seeing me married to keith really. she is concerned though that marriage might hamper my indivudual growth. she fears that i have not yet reached my full potential and that if i get married this early on in my life, i might not ever reach that. hmmm... interesting concept. and i have to agree with chin.
we decided to watch the movie after that little chat. as we were going around the mall, goofing around, questions were filling up in the back of my head. do i really want to get married? why am i so afraid? do i want to give up this, my single-blessedness? am i ready to give it up?
then i saw the notebook. all 3 of us bawled our eyes out. and i came to a realization. like allie, i know in my heart that what keith and i have is for real. this is a love that is for keeps. oh, i know that i could still go on without him. he doesn't complete me. but if i lose him, everything would never be the same for me. at one point in the movie, gayle leaned over and asked me: "do you see you and keith doing the same, loving each other till you are old and gray?". YES. no buts or ifs about it. YES.
i have come to a decision. finally.
so here comes 2 of my friends to the rescue. both single mothers, one not having been married and the other one, separated from the one she married. and there i was sitting smack in the midle of them. a single, attached woman of 23, thinking if she will marry her first love. or not.
both of them agree that i shouldn't get married right now. gayle, swearing she is not bitter over marriage, said that i should wait it out. i am young and there are still a lot of opportunities waiting for me. hmmm...true.
chin, on the other hand, also swearing she is not bitter over eternal coupledom, said that she doesn't mind seeing me married to keith really. she is concerned though that marriage might hamper my indivudual growth. she fears that i have not yet reached my full potential and that if i get married this early on in my life, i might not ever reach that. hmmm... interesting concept. and i have to agree with chin.
we decided to watch the movie after that little chat. as we were going around the mall, goofing around, questions were filling up in the back of my head. do i really want to get married? why am i so afraid? do i want to give up this, my single-blessedness? am i ready to give it up?
then i saw the notebook. all 3 of us bawled our eyes out. and i came to a realization. like allie, i know in my heart that what keith and i have is for real. this is a love that is for keeps. oh, i know that i could still go on without him. he doesn't complete me. but if i lose him, everything would never be the same for me. at one point in the movie, gayle leaned over and asked me: "do you see you and keith doing the same, loving each other till you are old and gray?". YES. no buts or ifs about it. YES.
i have come to a decision. finally.
wedding bells without the bells
the subject of marriage has come up a couple of times now within the past 3 weeks.
i first heard it from my mom. i was pouring my rage over the recent events in our pesky neighborhood when she segued to my relationship with keith.
mama: sigurado ka na ba dyan kay keith? sya na ba talaga?
ako: OO naman!
o di ba?! with conviction pa! just like that. walang halong pag-aatubili o pag-aalinlangan. alam kong si keith na. wala nang iba pang lalaki ang pu-pwede dahil si keith lang ang mamahalin ko at mamahalin ako ng bilang ako ng walang hinihinging kapalit o kung anupaman.
mama: eh kung ganyan rin lang kasi na nagsasama na kayo... bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal?
ako: ehhh...
good quesstion! let me get back to you on that one!*wink*... sa totoo lang, malayo pa sa isip ko ang kasal. oo, nagpaplano na kami ni keith. we even have decided on a date already. july 7, 2007. that would be our 5th year aniversary. that is about 3 years away and that is how far i would like it to be.
my mom suggested that maybe we should start thinking about getting married.kahit yung sa huwes lang. kung sigurado na rin lang kami sa isa't isa at nagsasama na kami... ano ba naman yung ikasal kami sa huwes para matigil na ang tsismis at kung ano-anu pa?
then came keith's mother. she asked keith what our plans were and keith was more than happy and proud to tell his parents what we have thought of so far. his mother's reply was: " july 7, 2007?! ang tagal naman?! bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal na lang muna sa huwes? tapos sa 2007 yung sa simbahan?"
siyempre nagkamot lang ng ulo si keith.
pero kinikilig kami pareho. as in. lalo na si keith. his eyes were twinkling and he was practically glowing (that is if a guy could glow, or maybe it was just light bouncing off his bald head). he is so happy that both sides would want to see us married off to each other. and i am happy too but i have a feeling my signifant other hasn't thought about what comes in a marriage. after the cake has bene cut and we have said our "i dos", reality steps in. and reality could be ugly. could our 2 year relationship withstand the pressure?
i am suddenly afraid. so very afraid.
i first heard it from my mom. i was pouring my rage over the recent events in our pesky neighborhood when she segued to my relationship with keith.
mama: sigurado ka na ba dyan kay keith? sya na ba talaga?
ako: OO naman!
o di ba?! with conviction pa! just like that. walang halong pag-aatubili o pag-aalinlangan. alam kong si keith na. wala nang iba pang lalaki ang pu-pwede dahil si keith lang ang mamahalin ko at mamahalin ako ng bilang ako ng walang hinihinging kapalit o kung anupaman.
mama: eh kung ganyan rin lang kasi na nagsasama na kayo... bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal?
ako: ehhh...
good quesstion! let me get back to you on that one!*wink*... sa totoo lang, malayo pa sa isip ko ang kasal. oo, nagpaplano na kami ni keith. we even have decided on a date already. july 7, 2007. that would be our 5th year aniversary. that is about 3 years away and that is how far i would like it to be.
my mom suggested that maybe we should start thinking about getting married.kahit yung sa huwes lang. kung sigurado na rin lang kami sa isa't isa at nagsasama na kami... ano ba naman yung ikasal kami sa huwes para matigil na ang tsismis at kung ano-anu pa?
then came keith's mother. she asked keith what our plans were and keith was more than happy and proud to tell his parents what we have thought of so far. his mother's reply was: " july 7, 2007?! ang tagal naman?! bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal na lang muna sa huwes? tapos sa 2007 yung sa simbahan?"
siyempre nagkamot lang ng ulo si keith.
pero kinikilig kami pareho. as in. lalo na si keith. his eyes were twinkling and he was practically glowing (that is if a guy could glow, or maybe it was just light bouncing off his bald head). he is so happy that both sides would want to see us married off to each other. and i am happy too but i have a feeling my signifant other hasn't thought about what comes in a marriage. after the cake has bene cut and we have said our "i dos", reality steps in. and reality could be ugly. could our 2 year relationship withstand the pressure?
i am suddenly afraid. so very afraid.
limelights, high sights, rumors and more sighs
it's been 3 weeks since i last blogged and so many things have happened i don't even know how to begin pouring my heart out. i'll start off with my submitting my application for the post of team lead last august 17. yes. i did submit my resume complete with cover letter. i was interviewed for the position sometime last week. i think it went well. i gave it my very best. it would be a disappointment if i don't bag it but i won't be all that heartbroken. my heart above my head, i went into the interview intending to give my best and i did. if that doesn't impress them, well... other doors will open for me, i'm sure. besides, i came in late for the 3rd time this pay period so i can kiss that dream bye-bye. *sigh*
this brings us on to the next topic. keith and me and our "living together" situation. right now, we're spending the week at his parents' and it is such a pain in my schedule. his family is great but their place is just too far from where i work. hence, the 2 instances of tardiness that i will have to explain once again. but maybe this time i won't have to explain. the company'll just hand in the memo. as usual. *sigh*
anyway, my sister and her husband are now back together. i'm happy but i could definitely be a lot happier. so will my mother be if they just go back to the province and look after their children. still no job for my brother-in-law and my sister is still at it, selling burgers and stuff. this despite the fight she has been having with her dear cousin and neighbor. nagtalo sila ng dakila naming kapitbahay dahil gusto na ihiwalay ng kapatid ko ang tindahan nya sa tindahan ng kapitbahay namin. sukat ba namang murahin ang kapatid ko at sabihin nyang walang pakinabang ang ate ko. hay!!!
as if the turmoil i am experiencing at work and at home isn't enough, my sister told me our little neighborhood is not at all too happy with me and keith living in the same house. oo, na para bang ang gagaling nila at wala silang nagagawang mali. god save me from hypocrites!!! walang humpay ang mga bibig ng mga hitad kong kamag-anak sa kakatsimisan sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa buhay ko at sa buhay ng kapatid ko. my neighbors don't need reality tv. they already have me and my sister. this is living in a fishbowl at its worst. walang ibang pinag-uusapan sa looban namin kung hindi bakit si keith dun nakatira sa min, bakit hindi raw ako nabubuntis, bakit mga bakla daw ang pinatitira ko sa bahay. ang tanging sagot ko ay: pakialam nyo!?! up yours all of you friggin' sons of bitches!!!
doon tumitira si keith sa bahay kasi malapit yon sa opisina nya. isa pa, alam ng parents ko na sa bahay nila tumutuloy si keith. his parents also know he stays ay place. so what's the problem?! that we aren't married?! oh please! at hindi ako nabubuntis kasi nagko-kontrol kami. do they think that keith and i are mindless enough to just jump into bed together without thinking about precaution?! if they do, they're a lot more dumber than i thought. bakla ang pinatitira ko sa bahay kasi bakla ang mga kaibigan ko. at ano ngayon kung bakla sila?! this has only served to confirm what i have thought of weeks ago. my dear neighbors/relatives connived and conspired to make geisha and his boyfriend go away. sinulsulan nga nila ang ate ko. hmp!
at ang pasimuno siguro ng panunulsol na iyan ay ang magaling kong tiyuhin kasama ang nakatatandang kapatid ng tatay ko. por dios! ke tatanda na eh tsismis pa rin ang inaatupag. bakit ba hindi na lang mga buhay nila ang busisiin nila at hindi buhay ko at ng pamilya ko? i really wouldn't have mind all this racket if it weren't for the same uncle threatening keith. he told my sister to tell me that he doesn't approve of keith and that he is noisy. susme! isang beses lang nagkakatok si keih sa bahay ng alanganing oras. and that was because he left his keys. sabi pa ng demonyo kong tiyo, mag-ingat daw si keith at baka barilin na lang daw nya minsan. Putangina! Ano kala nya sa boyfriend ko, kuting?!
i could only shake my head in anger and disgust. how dare this people. sino sila para humusga at magbanta? ang tiyo kong yan... hah! may kalalagyan sya pag nagkataon. ipapa-blotter ko na sya para kung ano't anuman eh may record na sya. does he think that i will let him get away with that? i am too smart for dumbasses like him. like all of them.
sigh. sigh. and more sighs. thru all this keith hugged me and kissed me and said everything will be all right. my greatest fear right now is not the memo at work, not my sister or her husband. it's keith. i don't want anything bad to happen to him. it pains me to admit this, but i think it would be best if he moves back to his parents. but i don't think he would... *sigh*
this brings us on to the next topic. keith and me and our "living together" situation. right now, we're spending the week at his parents' and it is such a pain in my schedule. his family is great but their place is just too far from where i work. hence, the 2 instances of tardiness that i will have to explain once again. but maybe this time i won't have to explain. the company'll just hand in the memo. as usual. *sigh*
anyway, my sister and her husband are now back together. i'm happy but i could definitely be a lot happier. so will my mother be if they just go back to the province and look after their children. still no job for my brother-in-law and my sister is still at it, selling burgers and stuff. this despite the fight she has been having with her dear cousin and neighbor. nagtalo sila ng dakila naming kapitbahay dahil gusto na ihiwalay ng kapatid ko ang tindahan nya sa tindahan ng kapitbahay namin. sukat ba namang murahin ang kapatid ko at sabihin nyang walang pakinabang ang ate ko. hay!!!
as if the turmoil i am experiencing at work and at home isn't enough, my sister told me our little neighborhood is not at all too happy with me and keith living in the same house. oo, na para bang ang gagaling nila at wala silang nagagawang mali. god save me from hypocrites!!! walang humpay ang mga bibig ng mga hitad kong kamag-anak sa kakatsimisan sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa buhay ko at sa buhay ng kapatid ko. my neighbors don't need reality tv. they already have me and my sister. this is living in a fishbowl at its worst. walang ibang pinag-uusapan sa looban namin kung hindi bakit si keith dun nakatira sa min, bakit hindi raw ako nabubuntis, bakit mga bakla daw ang pinatitira ko sa bahay. ang tanging sagot ko ay: pakialam nyo!?! up yours all of you friggin' sons of bitches!!!
doon tumitira si keith sa bahay kasi malapit yon sa opisina nya. isa pa, alam ng parents ko na sa bahay nila tumutuloy si keith. his parents also know he stays ay place. so what's the problem?! that we aren't married?! oh please! at hindi ako nabubuntis kasi nagko-kontrol kami. do they think that keith and i are mindless enough to just jump into bed together without thinking about precaution?! if they do, they're a lot more dumber than i thought. bakla ang pinatitira ko sa bahay kasi bakla ang mga kaibigan ko. at ano ngayon kung bakla sila?! this has only served to confirm what i have thought of weeks ago. my dear neighbors/relatives connived and conspired to make geisha and his boyfriend go away. sinulsulan nga nila ang ate ko. hmp!
at ang pasimuno siguro ng panunulsol na iyan ay ang magaling kong tiyuhin kasama ang nakatatandang kapatid ng tatay ko. por dios! ke tatanda na eh tsismis pa rin ang inaatupag. bakit ba hindi na lang mga buhay nila ang busisiin nila at hindi buhay ko at ng pamilya ko? i really wouldn't have mind all this racket if it weren't for the same uncle threatening keith. he told my sister to tell me that he doesn't approve of keith and that he is noisy. susme! isang beses lang nagkakatok si keih sa bahay ng alanganing oras. and that was because he left his keys. sabi pa ng demonyo kong tiyo, mag-ingat daw si keith at baka barilin na lang daw nya minsan. Putangina! Ano kala nya sa boyfriend ko, kuting?!
i could only shake my head in anger and disgust. how dare this people. sino sila para humusga at magbanta? ang tiyo kong yan... hah! may kalalagyan sya pag nagkataon. ipapa-blotter ko na sya para kung ano't anuman eh may record na sya. does he think that i will let him get away with that? i am too smart for dumbasses like him. like all of them.
sigh. sigh. and more sighs. thru all this keith hugged me and kissed me and said everything will be all right. my greatest fear right now is not the memo at work, not my sister or her husband. it's keith. i don't want anything bad to happen to him. it pains me to admit this, but i think it would be best if he moves back to his parents. but i don't think he would... *sigh*
my sister's husband came over to our place yesterday... no. i won't start on my sister. not today. i want to give myself a break. i'll be putting all my family worries on the back burner for now. i'm thinking about the vacant positions available for the taking in the office. should i go for it? should i wait it out?
my heart palpitates just thinking about sending in my resume. i want to be the next senior rep or team lead here in the office. i know that i'll be able to do the job real well but... i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll be measured and weighed and found lacking. i'm scared that i won't be able to fulfill my superiors' expectations. my head will definitely be above my heart when i go for either senior rep or tl position. i know that i am not the only worthy candidate. in fact, there are a lot of reps here that would probably fit the bill better... but oh! i really want it...
let me pause in silence for a little soul-searching...
my heart palpitates just thinking about sending in my resume. i want to be the next senior rep or team lead here in the office. i know that i'll be able to do the job real well but... i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll be measured and weighed and found lacking. i'm scared that i won't be able to fulfill my superiors' expectations. my head will definitely be above my heart when i go for either senior rep or tl position. i know that i am not the only worthy candidate. in fact, there are a lot of reps here that would probably fit the bill better... but oh! i really want it...
let me pause in silence for a little soul-searching...
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