things are looking up.

i am battling with my habitual tardiness and i am pleased to see that i am on the winning side. i have finally cornered DK and made him choose which way we would go with the birth control issue. i have taken baby steps to lose weight and i am slowly getting my finances in order.

it feels great to know that you are in control of your life.

"with a smile..."

"lift your head, baby don't be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way... we'll get by with a smile. you can't win at everything but you can try...

i used to sing this song to myself during highschool over and over again each time depression defeats me. hearing it recently brought back memories: good ones, bad ones, funny ones, tearful ones. it made me come to realize that i have come a long way. despite my fears of not ever going anywhere, of not having goals for myself, of not being able to cure my chronic irks and habits... i have come a long way from that girl who used to cry herself to sleep.

the girl who liked to keep to herself and her books, with her ugly teeth and uglier hair has grown to be a mature, sensual, attractive young woman. i look at the mirror and stare at her eyes.inspite of the fears and liabilities and failures she stares back at me with a confident gleam on her eyes and a self-assured smile on the full lips she used to hate.

yes... i have come a long way indeed.

"but don't let it bring you down and turn your face into a frown, we'll get along with a li'l prayer and a song... lift your head. baby don't be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way. we'll get by with a smile, now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye..."

in a snitch

wow.xbox has a date with her beau tonight. neat...she deserves a break from all the hassles at work. me... i'm just gonna stay at home and contemplate on this hellish week.

i was late again monday night. as if that wasn't enough, i was late again last night. boy! am i really gonna get it this time. i am just waiting for the axe to fall. the sooner the better. the anxiety is killing me.

and i am disappointed. sorely disappointed with myself.

time and again i have tried. and failed. i just don't know what do about this chronic problem i have. i have tried setting the alarm clock an hour before i should wake up. i have limited my shower time to down ten minutes. i think about what i'm going to wear for my next shift before i sleep. i have given up eating dinner. i have started taking the blasted train.*sigh* i just don't know why it's not working...

i haven't tried switching jobs yet. could this be the solution to my gnawing predicament? hmmm... i wonder....

at a standstill...

i am still smitten with dao ming si... and DK remains at the top of my-not-so-favorite-people list.

he has been so attentive these days as he always is when i am irritated with him. he keeps calling me and asking me how i am doing and he never forgets to say "i love you". these only serve to annoy me all the more.

what is more frustrating to note is the fact that i don't know how to get across this bridge that i find myself in. i want to explain myself to him, to let him know what i feel and why i got mad... but i just don't know how or when to start. though i am adept at expressing my opinion, i am a very inarticulate with my emotions. it's something i am not in the habit of doing.

so here i am, comtemplating whether to spend the day with him or not. twiddling my thumbs, thinking of how i could get across my true meaning to an unfeeling clout i happen to love with all my heart.

that last thought is the most unsettling of all. i love him and there is no getting around or running away from it...

one Dao Ming Si for take home pls!!!

oo. alam ko. ang jologs ko. eh ano ngayon?! hindi lang naman ako ang patay na patay sa kanya ah. ako at sanlaksang pinoy, chinoy, intsik,malay... buong kababaihan ng asya naaning sa kanya noh... kaya ano ngayon kung i krass him??? ang cute nya kasi. at mayaman pa. alam ko na sa mundo lang sya ng puting tabing nabubuhay, binibigyang-buhay ni jerry yan ng chakang boy band (mga lalaki nga ba sila???) na F4. pero wala akong pakialam... siya ang dream boy ko!!! =D

may pagka-brusko sya. arogante at kadalasan eh masungit. pero lalaking-lalaki ang tikas at tindig nya. talagang alam mong ipagtatanggol ka kung sakaling may umagrabyado sa'yo. may paninindigan sya at hindi sya nahihiya na ipakita at aminin ang tunay nyang nararamdaman. hindi sya agad sumusuko. higit sa lahat, pinahahalagahan nya ang babaing pinakamamahal nya. at may fashion sense sya!

hay!!!kung si dj alvaro type ang lalaking maginoo pero medyo bastos... ako type ko yung brusko't nambubugbog... ng halik!!!

ang cute-cute nya talaga. sobrang ganda ng hair nya! (ehem.. ehem...) mayaman sya ha pero di sya kuripot. akalain mong bigyan nya ng kung anu-ano ito'ng engot na shancai na 'to. ipinasyal nya sa kung saan-saang lugar. super-kakakilig talaga sya!!! at eto pa nakaka-tumbling sa lahat ng 'yan... virgin pa sya. o ang taray di ba??! kasi sabi nya gusto nya makipag-make love lang sa babaing mahal nya. o da ba?! hindi pa sya manyak tulad ng ibang lalaki dyan (ehem! ehem!)... talagang malinis ang kanyang intensyon kay eng-eng na shancai...

sayang at hanggang panaginip lang sya. i bet na wala na talagang lalaki na tulad ni Dao Ming Si sa totoong buhay. kung meron man eh malamang na taken na sya or worse... bading sya.

ang sarap sigurong makatagpo ng tulad nya. yung tulad nya'ng tatayo sa harap mo at sasabihing "i will not be able to go on without you";yung hindi mahihiyang tumingin ng diretso sa mga mata mo at sabihing "mahal kita.mahal na mahal kita." isang lalaki na mamahalin ka ng higit sa lahat at higit kanino man, ipagtatanggol ka sa kahit na sino maski sa magulang nya; yung papangaralan at pangangalagaan ka. ang sarap sigurong mahalin ng isang tulad nya. nakakapanghinayang talaga kasi hanggang panaginip na lang sya...

"all i ask of you..."

what started out as a great weekend last friday turned into a nightmare sunday morning... DK and i got into another one of our "cold wars". i couldn't help myself. my, uhmmm... annoyance has been building since he showed up at eleven p.m. on my doorstep friday night. he came over early friday morning to drop his things. he told me he still had to go to school and will come back at around 8 at night. so come 8, i was waiting for him. i decided to to hold up dinner till he come home so we could eat together. so saw one film after another till he finally showed up at eleven, reeking of alcohol.grrrrr... i wanted to wring his bloody insensitive neck but decided against it thinking that his sleeping over rarely happens. why ruin it?

saturday came over and i was in high enough spirits to come go to work that night. spending the night in your lover's arms certainly does wonders to one's bodily humors...*wink*. so off i went to work. the next morning, sunday, i finally came face to face with the realization that i have a very insensitive pig for a boyfriend...

i came home sunday morning to see him watching Harry Potter. i asked him to buy us some breakfast. i was dead tired and hungry. i also had to drink my medicine. so i sat there and waited for him to move his ass... and i waited some more... and waited till i almost knocked my sleepy ass off my chair... i looked at him and he is engrossed as ever at the stupid movie... so i waited some more till the time came for me to drink my medication... i glanced at him and he was just lying there on the couch, watching a dumb film, not paying me the slightest attention. so i drank my 800mg antibiotic with an empty stomach and an emptier heart. my eyes clouded over the image of him scratching his ass, eyes glued to the T.V. i held back my tears and went upstairs to cry in my room...

he came to his senses and kept saying he's sorry. he didn't mean to be such a jerk and all...well, his apologies were all well and good but it doesn't cut ice from where i sit. nothing can change the horrid fact that he ignored me, a very sick me. Harry Potter got a lot more attention from him. maybe he could try get Harry Potter the next time he feels the urge for some lovin'. i can't believe that he could casually dismiss me like that... it was irritating, frustrating... painful...

it hurts because i have never treated him with the same disregard. i have gone out of my way each time he needed me. i don't ask him to return the favor. i just want to be loved and cared for by the person i love most...sometimes, i feel that is too much to ask...

this thing called love

in the 12 months that i have been with DK, i discovered that a relationship's life hangs by the amount of patience and consideration lover's are willing to give it. no relationship is perfect because nobody is perfect. the success of a couple's togetherness would depend on how much they are willing to give of themselves to achieve that success. after seeing my paramour spit on the street like he could care less (and he really could hardly care), scratch his ass, and pick his nose, i would have to say that i definitely have given much to the success of our affair. i have put up with his ex and his often-times deplorable fashion sense. i have taken cared of him when he was so inebriated he hardly knew his name and i have been patient as a saint when he was doing his best imitation of a sick bear. if this isn't love, then i don't know what is...

love can be so funny somtimes. it can make anything and everything ok; love can just change the way you look at a person, at things going around you; it can move you to do things you wouldn't normally do and to come up with ideas you would never have thought...i find it amazing and weird all at the same time how this thing called love affect us so. of all emotions felt by human beings, i think its love that moves us to greatness. not anger or sorrow but passion... a burning desire creates within us the need to be...

i find it also equally funny that the emotion that raises us to greatness is the same emotion that weakens most of the members of our race...

the first is always the beginning...

july 7 i celebrated my first year anniversary with DK. i have reached a milestone... =D... and all of my friends agree. most of them could hardly believe i was able to be attached to a person this long and not grow bored with him. yep... definitely a milestone.

last week has been all fun and i certainly don't want any rain on my parade but i noticed something sunday night as i was having dinner with my beloved beau. i was getting more and more anxious about his casual treatment on the matter of birth control and why i had to raise this specific issue during dinner i don't know. but i had already blurted it out so... he merely looked at me, shrugged, then tried to shift my attention to the sandwich he was chowing down. his apparent lack of interest on how we should take on contraception is alarming. i know i said once that i would love to have his kid... but i didn't mean now.

why is it that men always seem to rely on the women to take care of contraception? it's irritating how they would blab about not wanting to have a child now then have "unsafe sex" minutes later. contraception should be a couple's responsibility. not just the woman's.

sometimes i find myself wishing i had never given in to my wants despite the fact that i have absolutely no regrets. though nothing could compare to the pleasure that i find in his lovemaking i should have been content with doing everything but the girl. but i have been too weak to deny the call of the flesh. no matter how i wish it, we can no longer go back to just holding hands...

the big O

my college theology prof once said to us that sex is the highest form of expression of love.

i thought it was all baloney.

sex is sex. men, women, homosexuals, and bisexuals do it all the time at all places in all positions. birth control is a commercial trade the same way sex is a trade. porn movies can hardly be called romantic. so how can something so common and banal be the supreme expression of affection?

when you become so enamored to another being that you live and breathe him.; when you want to be with him every hour of every day; when you feel for him so much it hurts; when you succumb to the maddening feeling and give youself up for his pleasure... sex is no longer just sex.

lovers start with a kiss, then a hug, then they begin a most wonderful, amorous exploration of each other's being.. they start the mating dance... and at the end, when the apex has been reached... they stare into each other's eyes and steal a glance at eternity... for one brief moment, they discover why lust and love are almost synonymous...
"with thy body, i thee worship..."

nemo... swimming down the aisle???

i caught up with nemo yesterday and she told me that her family would like to see her wed to Sars and that there might actually be a wedding. that is if she decides to marry him. i think she will. she loves the guy!

i was utterly rendered speechless. yes, it was one of those special moments when i absolutely was left with nothing to say. i was too shocked for words...

i know, i know. my bad. i'm being the usual know-it-all bitch. what was i supposed to say? congratulations? i mean, nemo is like a sister to me and i wouldn't want my sister to be tied to a man who keeps changing his mind every five minutes. it's a scary thought you know. i could just imagine him going thru all the wedding preparations with zeal and then suddenly, right on their wedding ceremony, he balks and says 'i need time for myself'. jeez!

but nemo is just so happy these days. everything is going OK in her life and that doesn't happen often...so i reached for her hand, squeezed it. i smiled and said "that's nice..."

yes i know... it' s a purple explosion!

but everybody knows i'm a purple freak! i like all shades of purple... lavender, violet,lilac... you name it...

anyway, this whole pre-marital sex thing i have going on with my beau is driving me nuts. just last night, i scoured the net for information on intercourse during a woman's "time of the month" and the chances of her getting pregnant if she does have sexual contact during her period. (now you know what i've been up to these past few days *wink*)i swear, i am losing my sense of inner peace. and all for what?... great sex... hiiihiiihhi.. =D

i checked jar-jar's what's missing in my life list and i have to say that i agree with her, 3 out of four. i definitely need a definite mission in my life. as for self-fulfillment... well... i'm contented with what i have but i guess i'd only know if i'm fulfilled if i've gone thru my mission and succeeded, right? i already have a very loving, caring partner who, hopefully, would last thru my life but i truly would like to have a baby.

yes. a baby.

i know, i know... times are hard and it's difficult to raise a child when you're not financially stable but... i love children! and i would love to have DK's baby.*sigh*

i think i'm done for.

do you know where you're going to...?

isn't it nice to feel that you are not alone after all? after reading jar-jar's post, i felt relieved to know that there is another person on the planet who has sentiments similar to mine.

unlike jar-jar though, i am not afraid to grow up. i do not shun my responsibilites although it would be nice to get away from it all once in a while. i've always believed that forever is a joke. i'm not scared to go thru life's journey alone even if that surely will be a long, lonely journey.but i'm afraid that despite the journey, i have not gotten to anywhere at all.

that is what's truly scary... and that's something i don't want to happen to me.

very high hopes...*wink*

i spent the day with DK... *sigh*
we attended the christening of his high school pal's son this morning. we dropped by his mom's office then went back to my place and we took a nice, cozy afternoon nap in each other's arms. we are just soooo in love!

the only thing that troubles me these days is work. i feel that i am going nowhere. i feel that i am stagnating in my job. and i am not saying this because i am about to be suspended. no, its not the impending suspension that makes me think and say this. although i have to admit that being suspended worries me. i mean, who wants to work without pay?

i've always had this nagging feeling that i belong somewhere. that i have done the best i could here. i want to move on and do something else aside from what i am doing now. i remember telling naomi the other day that despite the what my life might seem to be, i am not going anywhere. and part of the problem, or maybe the very source of the problem, is that i don't know where i am going. she texted me yesterday saying that in spite of what i think about my life, i really have everything going. she told me i'm in the 'right path'... hmmm... that didn't take care of my worries.

so with my roomie Geisha's urging's, i sent my resume to a training group. i am hoping to become something. i am hoping, wishing, praying that this is what i've been looking for all along... i'm keeping my fingers crossed... wish me luck!*wink*

i had it coming... she had it coming...

after a much needed break from all the crazy baloney here at work, i am back again. with a vengeance.

i came in 15 minutes late. and oh boy, am i gonna get it this time. i'm really gonna get it. i was talking to DK on the phone a while ago telling him how disappointing this is for me. time and again i have told myself repeatedly to get over this habit but i just can't. and that is all the more disappointing. oh well... i'm in high hopes of getting into a new job. hopefully a nice career change for me... i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

nemo and the rest of the team left for the company picnic this morning. i am just so bitter about it, that was before i read the note nemo left me. her pain is all over the darn note. she wouldn't appreciate my saying this but i knew Sars is going to pull the same stunt he's been doing for months. just 3 days ago, 3 friggin' days ago, nemo was happily chatting away saying that Sars has changed his mind and wants to keep her and nemo jr. after all. i just knew he'll be changing his tune soon. and he did.

i told nemo i have no comment at this time. i'll probably never say something concerning her and Sars and their impending child.

i can't believe i came back. just for this...

if they need to crash and burn...

naomi came to visit me today. i had the whole day off since my shift starts late at night.

she came over. i took one look at her and knew that she has changed. we exchanged our usual kisses nad hugs, she sat down and i notcied the weight she gained during the time we have not seen each other. she told me that she is now seeing a psychiatrist regularly shortly after suffering her nervous breakdown. i encouraged her to keep it up, to stop taking life's jokes too seriously. i warned her that this might become a cycle she didn't want, that this might be her undoing... she laughed impishly and said that she is hoping that this is her road to recovery.

i hope so too.

honestly, i am bothered to see naomi this way. she is quieter, has become more introverted and repressed. she laughs with me, but i see that the laughter never reaches her eyes. there are shadows there that are hidden by the calming drugs she has been prescribed. i fear for her... we have always teased her as a loony. this time, i'm afraid it might just be the case. i don't fear for myself. i love and care for her as much as i have before. in fact, i miss her... i terribly miss the old, crazy naomi...

i have recently decided to finally shut my sarcastic, witty mouth up when it comes to nemo and her plight. i don't think i am doing much in easing her pain. sometimes, i feel that i am adding more to it instead of the other way around. it is hard for me to shut up and not voice out what i deem as the only truth. it is painful for me to douse her clouds of hope with my witty cycnicism.

she cornered me today and excitedly told me that she and sars have worked everything out. sars has finally accepted the fact that she is intent on keeping the baby. i smiled and told her "good". it was on the tip of my tongue to say "i hope this time, he's keen on keeping his word. even for just a week." i kept the silly smile on my face and went on with work.

DK told me that this is affecting me more than necessary. i have begun to notice that he's right. it is affecting me a lot more than anybody would think possible. i am becoming frustrated with what i see as an endless quest to win back a lost loved-one. i am hoping the best for her but that guy she has given her heart, body, life and soul is a man that was never hers from the very start. i believe in fairytales, of happy-ever-afters... i am wishing, hoping, praying.. that after all this farce, they would be together. they would become a family in the truest sense of the word. but the reality is he left her and not even the gift of a new life will make him give up anything for her or make him stay with her. i hope i am wrong on this score. for her and her li'l one's sake.

he has broken his word to her numerous times, what's another more excuse or two?

i have said my piece to her. she knows where she stands. she knows my stand on this matter. she is the closest thing to a big sister that i could have. she has given me a lot. i am not turning my back on her on her time of need.

but i am not her savior. i am not her keeper. i am not leaving her nor will i stop listening to her.

i am merely silencing myself. i will save the both of us the pain of hearing from a sharp, truthful tongue.

nemo's amazing party!...

nemo threw a send-off party for dear dr.ed last saturday. he is going to the Big Apple to fulfill his one great American dream: be a Physical Therapist. all the Nocturnal peeps were there to cheer him on in this great endeavor, including headmistress Java. the only one missing was The Supermodel who sent us a text message saying she's caught on a very important photoshoot. even the Brat was there. rumor has it that she abandoned her own barbecue gig. well, we all share the opinin that the barbeuce wasn't that roastin'. i brought my boyfriend DK with me thinking that he would be a huge help if ever yours truly gets too much to drink. well, he could've been a huge help if he didn't get drunk first.

everybody digged sir ceasar's 'pantyliner' drink, a mixture of rhum and crushed ice. don't ask who joined DK in his merry stupor. they're too many to name. ask who didn't.

i couldn't even begin to imagine how i was able to bring him home and to his senses. much thanks goes to Xbox and her boyfriend and fellow gamer The Friar. they provided transportation for me and my dead-drunk beau.

i wasn't really pissed with DK. i just thought he'd be able to handle his drink like he always told me. i guess, there really is a first time for eveything.

anyway, he wasn't the only one drunk. most of the people there was. everybody really had a blast! and we enjoyed putting dr.ed on the spotlight by asking him to give us a farewell speech. he was sooooo drunk he couldn't put a single coherent sentence together. hahahahahaha...

i'm going to miss him...

weekend at last!!!

ah yes.. weekend. the entire team is happy and ecstatic today. one is because most of us will be taking our day-offs. two is because a fight is going on between two reps. it just has everybody on the know agog.

we will be giving Dr.Ed a farewell/send off party tonight. the venue for the event is real close to Shalom's house so i might drop by. catch up on things.

ahh.. i just feel oh-so-wonderful! weekend!!!

blog fever!!!

the team has caught the blog fever.
i just spent the last 2 hours editing the site and notifying the people involved. i hope all of them decides to join the caravan.
i'm so excited!!! hahaahhah...

how sweet it is to be loved by you...

DK's mom insisted i sleep on their bedroom when i came to visit DK yesterday morning. they knew i just got off work so they were very concerned about my health. i was deeply moved. DK told me I was the only one ever to be asked by his parents to sleep on their bed. he was so darn happy over that fact. so was i. hehehehehehe....that was a sign. his parents must truly like me.

just before i feel asleep (on DK's parents' bed...*wink*), DK told me that he would stop saying 'i love you' to me after he graduates. i asked why and he whispered in my ear that he's gonna start saying 'will you marry me' to me. i felt so loved and thrilled my toes curled.

is it a wonder why i love him so much?...*sigh*

Peyups get-together!

the online community i'm in is hosting a get-together this friday. i am just so psyched to go!!! one of the regulars there went so fas as to give me his cellphone number so i could confirm with him whether i'm going or not. how sweet!

i just don't know who i'm going to bring with me. i mean, i don't know these people personally and i haven't even met them so i need to have someone with me when i go. i can't bring DK along 'cause he's not really that, uhmmm.. 'supportive' about my being a member of this particular online group. i was propositioned there thrice by some of the perverted members they have there so, DK wouldn't be so excited about going there. truth of the matter is he made me swear i won't login to the site ever... but i just couldn't help myself so...

i can't bring naomi either. she just suffered from a nervous breakdown. i don't think she's up to any socializing these days. i actually haven't heard from her for a long time. hmmm... hibernating will do her good. i hope that when she comes out of her cave, she'll not only be feeling better but looking a lot fairer than she's been all her life... hehehehheheh...

i can't bring nemo or xbox or biba... i don't think any of them will be up to it... and i just don't have the guts to go alone....
arghhhhhh... i'm such a coward!