naomi came to visit me today. i had the whole day off since my shift starts late at night.
she came over. i took one look at her and knew that she has changed. we exchanged our usual kisses nad hugs, she sat down and i notcied the weight she gained during the time we have not seen each other. she told me that she is now seeing a psychiatrist regularly shortly after suffering her nervous breakdown. i encouraged her to keep it up, to stop taking life's jokes too seriously. i warned her that this might become a cycle she didn't want, that this might be her undoing... she laughed impishly and said that she is hoping that this is her road to recovery.
i hope so too.
honestly, i am bothered to see naomi this way. she is quieter, has become more introverted and repressed. she laughs with me, but i see that the laughter never reaches her eyes. there are shadows there that are hidden by the calming drugs she has been prescribed. i fear for her... we have always teased her as a loony. this time, i'm afraid it might just be the case. i don't fear for myself. i love and care for her as much as i have before. in fact, i miss her... i terribly miss the old, crazy naomi...
i have recently decided to finally shut my sarcastic, witty mouth up when it comes to nemo and her plight. i don't think i am doing much in easing her pain. sometimes, i feel that i am adding more to it instead of the other way around. it is hard for me to shut up and not voice out what i deem as the only truth. it is painful for me to douse her clouds of hope with my witty cycnicism.
she cornered me today and excitedly told me that she and sars have worked everything out. sars has finally accepted the fact that she is intent on keeping the baby. i smiled and told her "good". it was on the tip of my tongue to say "i hope this time, he's keen on keeping his word. even for just a week." i kept the silly smile on my face and went on with work.
DK told me that this is affecting me more than necessary. i have begun to notice that he's right. it is affecting me a lot more than anybody would think possible. i am becoming frustrated with what i see as an endless quest to win back a lost loved-one. i am hoping the best for her but that guy she has given her heart, body, life and soul is a man that was never hers from the very start. i believe in fairytales, of happy-ever-afters... i am wishing, hoping, praying.. that after all this farce, they would be together. they would become a family in the truest sense of the word. but the reality is he left her and not even the gift of a new life will make him give up anything for her or make him stay with her. i hope i am wrong on this score. for her and her li'l one's sake.
he has broken his word to her numerous times, what's another more excuse or two?
i have said my piece to her. she knows where she stands. she knows my stand on this matter. she is the closest thing to a big sister that i could have. she has given me a lot. i am not turning my back on her on her time of need.
but i am not her savior. i am not her keeper. i am not leaving her nor will i stop listening to her.
i am merely silencing myself. i will save the both of us the pain of hearing from a sharp, truthful tongue.
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