nag-away kami ni DK kagabi...

sya kasi eh... parang ala na syang gana kausapin ako. yun bang kausap mo sya pero ala syang "amor" na magkwento. ewan ko ba kung dala lang 'to ng hormonal imbalance ko o ano... pero hindi sya dating ganito...i feel taken for granted. he is secure with the knowledge that no matter what happens, i'll always be there for him. the question is not if i'll jump when he says "jump" but how high i'll jump when he says so. sadly, i do not have the same luxury. i cannot take him for granted becuase i know that i could lose him at any moment. call me paranoid or whatever but that's how much i value him and his presence in my life. kahit sanlaksang "i love you" pa ang sabihin nya... kahit ilang beses nya ulitin na hindi nya ko iiwan... pwedeng bukas magbago ang ihip ng hangin... baka bukas hindi na nya ko mahal... baka bukas, kunin na sya ng tadhana sa kin...

bakit ganon ang mga lalake? sa umpisa sobrang caring, attentive... pero pag matagal na kayo parang it all becomes a routine. my friends say this is only normal, a phase all couples go thru, that the solution is up to the couple. a relationship is a mutual commitment. people who are in a relationship work together to solve their problems, to keep the ball rolling... to keep the flames alive. in a perfect world, this may all be true.

hindi perpekto ang mundo kaya hind rin perpekto ang mga tao. kaya wala ring perpektong relasyon.... kaya rin ba ganun ang mga lalaki at ganito ang mga babae?...siguro...

sana tumawag na sya... i miss him na eh...*sigh*

life is just so full of possibilities. therefore, each day we face limitless options.

should i go to work or not? should i take a shower or not? should i do this or not?.... choices, choices, choices... life is one grand mall where we move about, brush against each other while we are shopping for choices.

i've been thinking about switching jobs. should i make the move or no?... i didn't really want to be in the career i am now, but for some reason.. maybe, by force of habit... i have come to accept the kind of work that i have. i'm not happy with it but to some extent, i am contented with what i'm doing for a living.

lately, that doesn't seem to be enough.*sigh*

x marks the spot...

i already had a feeling that i'm gonna see someone i don't wanna see on my to DK's school. and see her i did, while i was watching my beloved wolf down his share of our lasagna, she walked past us... looking at rows upon rows of pastries and desserts...

TINA. DK"s ex. ugh... thank goodness i was already done with my dinner. i would have lost all appetite at the sight of her...

i am not bitter. nope. i am mad... because she has this sickening ability of making me feel second-rate... that i am second-best... and looking at her, walking pretty as you please down the aisle towards the counter i noticed that she's thin. so thin. a lot thinner than i saw her last. great. now i feel not only second-rate, i feel fat and bloated and sooooooo sick of her...

i finally made a vow, as i saw her go out of the restaurant, that i am going to diet and exercise till i am, god-willing, the sexiest woman to ever walk this darn planet!hah!

nemo once asked me asked me if i'll be ever over TINA. yes, i will i said to her... when she's six feet under.

and NO i am not bitter.

cute mouse clock

i have casperbooh13 of blogskins to thank for the cute, little mousy thing. it kinda makes you feel dizzy 'cause there's that thing on the outside that goes round and round... but it's cool altogether... thanks casperbooh!!!

no. this new template is not it but i'm sticking with this one on the basis that the less complicated, the better. if i hadn't gotten attached to this darn image, then i would have gotten the perfect skin for this blog. i don't think i would even have changed the way this blog looked like if i haven't grown attached to this picture.

anyway... the less time i have to edit my blog template, the more time i have to write on my blog. what's the use of a perfect-looking blogsite if it doesn't have any content on it, right?...

*sigh*. so i'm sticking with this one... for now.

still under construction... =(

i know i don't have much of a following but for the few friends who are religiously visiting my blog, i apologize for the inconvenience. i have tried my hand at dreamweaver and failed. albeit, not miserabley, but i failed just the same...

i am trying a couple of blogskins and hopefully, one will be it.

this is proving to be such a harrowing experience. pretty much like trying to find mr.right in time for christmas so you wouldn't spend the holidays out on the cold...

under construction

my blogsite is undergoing a major over-haul. i am so excited... please visit the soon-to-be eternal child of nocturne blogsite... *_*

Q and A

am i or am i not?... that is the question. should we or shouldn't we? could we or couldn't we?so many questions but the answers are so few so the song goes. but in our case, there are hardly any answers. in fact, there are none.

it's because we're scared. we keep asking questions, looking for signs. but the answers have always been there, staring us at the face. we see them but refuse to recognize them. because we're scared.

we're scared to face the truth, afraid of what the answers will bring. we're frightened by the decisions we have to make once we've come face to face with the awful reality that won't go away.

we are waiting for the sign. holding our breaths for the inevitable. wishing, hoping and praying with all our might that it isn't just around the corner after all...

neo was right. the problem is choice.

we start our day by choosing whether to get up and go to work or spend the day sleeping. we then decide if we are going to stick with the pinstriped suit or the black and white ensemble. then we think about whether we will take the bus or the train. later on we opt to have lunch at the office canteen instead of at mcdonald's. come nighttime, we think about whether we will go out and unwind or go straight home to sleep.

a bigger problem though would be if you can't make a choice. you're stuck, frustrated because you can't make up your mind. you can't move to the next square 'cause you don't know whether you will move to the square on your right or that one on your left.

bottom line: the problem is choice.

deathwish

for more than 3 weeks now i have been experiencing constant headaches brought about by only god knows what... it's a real pain...literally.i've been to my opthalmologist and he said my vision couldn't be more perfect. my neurologist said it's stress and gave me some muscle relaxant. it didn't work. none of the things he gave me worked.

i'm scared...scared that what i wished for so much a couple of years ago, when i was depressed, lonely, and up to my neck in family troubles is about to come true:death

when i am rolling about, vomiting, and nauseous, i remember that time, about 5 or 8 years ago... i was lying on my bed, crying. my parents and sister just had another ugly fight. my mom tried to commit suicide by jumping off our second floor window. i felt so bad i wanted it all to end. i wanted to die. i wished i would die 'cause i thought that if i did, then maybe my family would stop fighting with each other.

i've always told my friends to be careful what they wish for 'cause it just might come true. don't know why i didn't take heed of that advice myself.

i'm scared... scared that my wish is finally coming true.

"bakit mo ko love?"

i would always put this question to him. i don't know why. maybe because i'm 50% obsessive-compulsive. maybe i'm insecure. maybe because i want to be sure. maybe i just need to know.

i was speaking with Uree the other day about this growing habit of mine and she told me that it's ok. apparently, she is into the same habit. she said that it's because feelings are not constant. pretty much like people. people change so emotions change along with them... she has a good point. but for whatever reason, i would find myself asking him this question from time to time:"bakit mo ko love?". it was like i was waiting for him to say something that i wanted to hear. i want to hear his reasons for loving me (as if i have my own!) but at the same time wanting him to say that he just does.

i know. stupid isn't it?

the last time i asked him this he hugged me tight, smiled, kissed the tip of my nose, looked straight into my eyes and said: "kasi pango ka..."

that was all i needed to hear...

=============================

my blogs have acquired little attention these days...

between my work, my boyfriend and my incurable headaches, i sadly admit i don't have much time for it. but all that's about to change.

now.

someday i'll know...

sometimes, i find myself thinking about nhell...

i wonder how he is doing in, if he has found himself a new flame, if he has finally evolved into a self-supporting, responsible young man... i wonder how things might have been if i didn't break my relations with him. would he have gone back to europe? would he have changed for the better? would i still have met DK?...

infinite possibilities. life is just so full of limitless could-have-beens and should-have-beens...

just a few days ago, i was driving myself insane trying to look up his contact information. i have changed my number and i was not able to inform him. i felt the need to know how he is and how he's doing.no. i'm not hanging on to him. i have lost any sort of romantic inclination to him. it's just that, i want to know how he is...

contrary to what i have been telling my family and friends, DK is not my first boyfriend. nhell was. but ours was such a brief relationship, just barely 3 months. i ended it because i was tired of his antics. i always knew that my relationship with him wouldn't last. he resides in sweden. he was on vacation here when i met him. i never saw the two of us growing old together. hell, i hardly saw any future for us as a couple. i broke up with him a couple of days after my 22nd birthday. i shed some tears, yes... but my heart was not that broken really. there was just this immense sadness at the thought that at some point we'll cross paths again and i'd se him exactly in the same conditon i left him. living an irresponsible, happy-go-lucky life.

he was still calling and texting me right before i changed my number. he said that he is studying some language. i told him before he went back to europe that i'd be hoping he becomes something, that he'll be able to stand on his own two feet because his mom won't be alive forever to support him. i really hope he would turn his life around...

it was all bittersweet. he would never admit it but i know that he loved me. he probably still does... or maybe i hold a special place in his heart... maybe on the same exact spot i hold him in mine...

walkin' in the sun...

"when I opened up my eyes today, felt the sun shining on my face. it became so clear to me that everything is goin my way.I feel like there’s no limit to what I can see..."

the past week has been full of blessings and good fortune. i was awarded perfect attendance. (ehem.. ehem..) my manager almost wept with joy. it was truly a shining moment...
DK went with me to my gynecologist. repressed issues were brought to light, discussed, and resolved. our love is more stronger than ever before. (parang yung kay dao ming si at shan tsai... =D...) just last saturday, i went shopping with his parents and aunt... this is a sign... (pag-ibig talaga ito!!!)
bills are being paid. financial matters are stable. i have bought the phone that i've been crushin' on for months. naomi is on her way to recovery. nemo is doing okay in her pregnancy. my parents, nieces, nephews, sister and brother are all in good health...

"got rid of fears that were holding me, my endless possibilities has the whole world opened up for me.that’s why I’m feeling I’m feeling so good I knew I would been taking care of myself like I should cause not one thing can bring me down. nothing in this world gonna turn me around..."

i have never been religious and all... but Someone up there loves me... *wink*

things are looking up.

i am battling with my habitual tardiness and i am pleased to see that i am on the winning side. i have finally cornered DK and made him choose which way we would go with the birth control issue. i have taken baby steps to lose weight and i am slowly getting my finances in order.

it feels great to know that you are in control of your life.

"with a smile..."

"lift your head, baby don't be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way... we'll get by with a smile. you can't win at everything but you can try...

i used to sing this song to myself during highschool over and over again each time depression defeats me. hearing it recently brought back memories: good ones, bad ones, funny ones, tearful ones. it made me come to realize that i have come a long way. despite my fears of not ever going anywhere, of not having goals for myself, of not being able to cure my chronic irks and habits... i have come a long way from that girl who used to cry herself to sleep.

the girl who liked to keep to herself and her books, with her ugly teeth and uglier hair has grown to be a mature, sensual, attractive young woman. i look at the mirror and stare at her eyes.inspite of the fears and liabilities and failures she stares back at me with a confident gleam on her eyes and a self-assured smile on the full lips she used to hate.

yes... i have come a long way indeed.

"but don't let it bring you down and turn your face into a frown, we'll get along with a li'l prayer and a song... lift your head. baby don't be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way. we'll get by with a smile, now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye..."

in a snitch

wow.xbox has a date with her beau tonight. neat...she deserves a break from all the hassles at work. me... i'm just gonna stay at home and contemplate on this hellish week.

i was late again monday night. as if that wasn't enough, i was late again last night. boy! am i really gonna get it this time. i am just waiting for the axe to fall. the sooner the better. the anxiety is killing me.

and i am disappointed. sorely disappointed with myself.

time and again i have tried. and failed. i just don't know what do about this chronic problem i have. i have tried setting the alarm clock an hour before i should wake up. i have limited my shower time to down ten minutes. i think about what i'm going to wear for my next shift before i sleep. i have given up eating dinner. i have started taking the blasted train.*sigh* i just don't know why it's not working...

i haven't tried switching jobs yet. could this be the solution to my gnawing predicament? hmmm... i wonder....

at a standstill...

i am still smitten with dao ming si... and DK remains at the top of my-not-so-favorite-people list.

he has been so attentive these days as he always is when i am irritated with him. he keeps calling me and asking me how i am doing and he never forgets to say "i love you". these only serve to annoy me all the more.

what is more frustrating to note is the fact that i don't know how to get across this bridge that i find myself in. i want to explain myself to him, to let him know what i feel and why i got mad... but i just don't know how or when to start. though i am adept at expressing my opinion, i am a very inarticulate with my emotions. it's something i am not in the habit of doing.

so here i am, comtemplating whether to spend the day with him or not. twiddling my thumbs, thinking of how i could get across my true meaning to an unfeeling clout i happen to love with all my heart.

that last thought is the most unsettling of all. i love him and there is no getting around or running away from it...

one Dao Ming Si for take home pls!!!

oo. alam ko. ang jologs ko. eh ano ngayon?! hindi lang naman ako ang patay na patay sa kanya ah. ako at sanlaksang pinoy, chinoy, intsik,malay... buong kababaihan ng asya naaning sa kanya noh... kaya ano ngayon kung i krass him??? ang cute nya kasi. at mayaman pa. alam ko na sa mundo lang sya ng puting tabing nabubuhay, binibigyang-buhay ni jerry yan ng chakang boy band (mga lalaki nga ba sila???) na F4. pero wala akong pakialam... siya ang dream boy ko!!! =D

may pagka-brusko sya. arogante at kadalasan eh masungit. pero lalaking-lalaki ang tikas at tindig nya. talagang alam mong ipagtatanggol ka kung sakaling may umagrabyado sa'yo. may paninindigan sya at hindi sya nahihiya na ipakita at aminin ang tunay nyang nararamdaman. hindi sya agad sumusuko. higit sa lahat, pinahahalagahan nya ang babaing pinakamamahal nya. at may fashion sense sya!

hay!!!kung si dj alvaro type ang lalaking maginoo pero medyo bastos... ako type ko yung brusko't nambubugbog... ng halik!!!

ang cute-cute nya talaga. sobrang ganda ng hair nya! (ehem.. ehem...) mayaman sya ha pero di sya kuripot. akalain mong bigyan nya ng kung anu-ano ito'ng engot na shancai na 'to. ipinasyal nya sa kung saan-saang lugar. super-kakakilig talaga sya!!! at eto pa nakaka-tumbling sa lahat ng 'yan... virgin pa sya. o ang taray di ba??! kasi sabi nya gusto nya makipag-make love lang sa babaing mahal nya. o da ba?! hindi pa sya manyak tulad ng ibang lalaki dyan (ehem! ehem!)... talagang malinis ang kanyang intensyon kay eng-eng na shancai...

sayang at hanggang panaginip lang sya. i bet na wala na talagang lalaki na tulad ni Dao Ming Si sa totoong buhay. kung meron man eh malamang na taken na sya or worse... bading sya.

ang sarap sigurong makatagpo ng tulad nya. yung tulad nya'ng tatayo sa harap mo at sasabihing "i will not be able to go on without you";yung hindi mahihiyang tumingin ng diretso sa mga mata mo at sabihing "mahal kita.mahal na mahal kita." isang lalaki na mamahalin ka ng higit sa lahat at higit kanino man, ipagtatanggol ka sa kahit na sino maski sa magulang nya; yung papangaralan at pangangalagaan ka. ang sarap sigurong mahalin ng isang tulad nya. nakakapanghinayang talaga kasi hanggang panaginip na lang sya...

"all i ask of you..."

what started out as a great weekend last friday turned into a nightmare sunday morning... DK and i got into another one of our "cold wars". i couldn't help myself. my, uhmmm... annoyance has been building since he showed up at eleven p.m. on my doorstep friday night. he came over early friday morning to drop his things. he told me he still had to go to school and will come back at around 8 at night. so come 8, i was waiting for him. i decided to to hold up dinner till he come home so we could eat together. so saw one film after another till he finally showed up at eleven, reeking of alcohol.grrrrr... i wanted to wring his bloody insensitive neck but decided against it thinking that his sleeping over rarely happens. why ruin it?

saturday came over and i was in high enough spirits to come go to work that night. spending the night in your lover's arms certainly does wonders to one's bodily humors...*wink*. so off i went to work. the next morning, sunday, i finally came face to face with the realization that i have a very insensitive pig for a boyfriend...

i came home sunday morning to see him watching Harry Potter. i asked him to buy us some breakfast. i was dead tired and hungry. i also had to drink my medicine. so i sat there and waited for him to move his ass... and i waited some more... and waited till i almost knocked my sleepy ass off my chair... i looked at him and he is engrossed as ever at the stupid movie... so i waited some more till the time came for me to drink my medication... i glanced at him and he was just lying there on the couch, watching a dumb film, not paying me the slightest attention. so i drank my 800mg antibiotic with an empty stomach and an emptier heart. my eyes clouded over the image of him scratching his ass, eyes glued to the T.V. i held back my tears and went upstairs to cry in my room...

he came to his senses and kept saying he's sorry. he didn't mean to be such a jerk and all...well, his apologies were all well and good but it doesn't cut ice from where i sit. nothing can change the horrid fact that he ignored me, a very sick me. Harry Potter got a lot more attention from him. maybe he could try get Harry Potter the next time he feels the urge for some lovin'. i can't believe that he could casually dismiss me like that... it was irritating, frustrating... painful...

it hurts because i have never treated him with the same disregard. i have gone out of my way each time he needed me. i don't ask him to return the favor. i just want to be loved and cared for by the person i love most...sometimes, i feel that is too much to ask...