someday i'll know...

sometimes, i find myself thinking about nhell...

i wonder how he is doing in, if he has found himself a new flame, if he has finally evolved into a self-supporting, responsible young man... i wonder how things might have been if i didn't break my relations with him. would he have gone back to europe? would he have changed for the better? would i still have met DK?...

infinite possibilities. life is just so full of limitless could-have-beens and should-have-beens...

just a few days ago, i was driving myself insane trying to look up his contact information. i have changed my number and i was not able to inform him. i felt the need to know how he is and how he's doing.no. i'm not hanging on to him. i have lost any sort of romantic inclination to him. it's just that, i want to know how he is...

contrary to what i have been telling my family and friends, DK is not my first boyfriend. nhell was. but ours was such a brief relationship, just barely 3 months. i ended it because i was tired of his antics. i always knew that my relationship with him wouldn't last. he resides in sweden. he was on vacation here when i met him. i never saw the two of us growing old together. hell, i hardly saw any future for us as a couple. i broke up with him a couple of days after my 22nd birthday. i shed some tears, yes... but my heart was not that broken really. there was just this immense sadness at the thought that at some point we'll cross paths again and i'd se him exactly in the same conditon i left him. living an irresponsible, happy-go-lucky life.

he was still calling and texting me right before i changed my number. he said that he is studying some language. i told him before he went back to europe that i'd be hoping he becomes something, that he'll be able to stand on his own two feet because his mom won't be alive forever to support him. i really hope he would turn his life around...

it was all bittersweet. he would never admit it but i know that he loved me. he probably still does... or maybe i hold a special place in his heart... maybe on the same exact spot i hold him in mine...