we are finally back in manila. boy! am i just so glad i have my feet settled on land. i had recurring visions of titanic while we were on open sea. it was the worst ride i ever had in a ship. it was the pits. we were stuck in the docks for a whole night because of a brewing storm. we sailed out yesterday morning and i thought we would be up for a leisurely trip back to the city. i was dead wrong.
anyway, it's been a hectic first day back in "civilization".ha-ha! we were greeted with the news that keith's brother is now the proud father of a bouncing baby girl. we hurried over to the hospital to see their little bundle of joy. i can't help but feel a little envious. not that i want to have a kid of my own already but i feel envious about them having their own baby and them living together 24/7 and being married and all. i don't know... this must be a "ship-lag" or something...
keith is fussing like crazy over the baby. hmmm... i wonder if he wants to have a baby of his won now...hmmm
back to the city
we went swimming on a white sand beach today. despite the fact that my dad can't come because he had to tend to the little piggery he and my mom have got going and my sister and niece, sam, pulling that little beach drama everybody had fun. most especially keith and i. we rarely get to swim in beaches so this was pure pleasure.nice!
i was happy to see my mom and my sister's brood enjoying themselves. it warms my heart to see them all smiling and happy. i wish it would always be this way for them but that would just not be possible. happiness is treasured and sought after because of its rarity. if it comes our way all too often, we will never appreciate its presence. so i suppose, this is all for the best.
tomorrow, keith and i will leave for manila. a part of me suddenly just don't want to go. we have to leave early in the morning and here i am... typing away in front of the computer. i can't sleep. i want to stay here and look after my parents and my nieces and nephews. my parents are getting older and i feel that they should start taking it a little easy. having my sister and her kids live with them isn't helping. *sigh* i love them all so much, even my trouble-making sister. if it's only possible to take care of them and still live my own life...
tomorrow, keith and i will leave for manila. i'll kiss and tightly hug each of my adorable nieces and nephews. i'll kiss my mom and my dad and hug my sister and her husband. they will wave goodbye at me from the gate along with a piece of my heart...
i was happy to see my mom and my sister's brood enjoying themselves. it warms my heart to see them all smiling and happy. i wish it would always be this way for them but that would just not be possible. happiness is treasured and sought after because of its rarity. if it comes our way all too often, we will never appreciate its presence. so i suppose, this is all for the best.
tomorrow, keith and i will leave for manila. a part of me suddenly just don't want to go. we have to leave early in the morning and here i am... typing away in front of the computer. i can't sleep. i want to stay here and look after my parents and my nieces and nephews. my parents are getting older and i feel that they should start taking it a little easy. having my sister and her kids live with them isn't helping. *sigh* i love them all so much, even my trouble-making sister. if it's only possible to take care of them and still live my own life...
tomorrow, keith and i will leave for manila. i'll kiss and tightly hug each of my adorable nieces and nephews. i'll kiss my mom and my dad and hug my sister and her husband. they will wave goodbye at me from the gate along with a piece of my heart...
we went up a mountain today. it was the mountain that is right in front of my mom's house. you would think that since the mountain is looming in front of us everyday, it would be close and eary enough to climb. wrong!
it took as an hour to get to the top and another hour and a half to get down. it's actually a little easier to climb because there are little steps carved on its sides now. the first time i climbed it, which was what? i guess some 6 or 8 years ago, the men would throw down a rope for the ladies to use. the mountain was steep and slippery. it still is but thanks to well-trodden path by the locals, there was no need for the rope.
ok... since i can't stand to see my mom in tears off we went to her little sister's place. it was a grueling 4 hours travel over rough, dry roads. when we got there, i said hello to everyone and kissed and hugged everyone. i behaved like the good little girl my mom raised me to be. i was a bit surprised when both my biological parents did not recognize me. my mom never failed to show them pictures of me when i was growing up. i even heard that they hung my graduation picture in their living room. that must have been fabrication because my face has not changed much over the years and they can't recognize me? don't they see the family resemblance?
oh well... my mom and her sister who happens to be my biological mom finally cried and hugged each other. they were insisting on us spending a night there but i don't feel like i belong there. i felt that i would only hurt them if i stay there longer. my biological family would only see how different i am from them. so we said our goodbyes and spent another gureling 2 hour ride on a motorbike. yep. keith, my mom, me and my younger brother all on one motorbike driving thru rough terrain on a starless night.
this has been a day that i would as soon likely forget.
it took as an hour to get to the top and another hour and a half to get down. it's actually a little easier to climb because there are little steps carved on its sides now. the first time i climbed it, which was what? i guess some 6 or 8 years ago, the men would throw down a rope for the ladies to use. the mountain was steep and slippery. it still is but thanks to well-trodden path by the locals, there was no need for the rope.
ok... since i can't stand to see my mom in tears off we went to her little sister's place. it was a grueling 4 hours travel over rough, dry roads. when we got there, i said hello to everyone and kissed and hugged everyone. i behaved like the good little girl my mom raised me to be. i was a bit surprised when both my biological parents did not recognize me. my mom never failed to show them pictures of me when i was growing up. i even heard that they hung my graduation picture in their living room. that must have been fabrication because my face has not changed much over the years and they can't recognize me? don't they see the family resemblance?
oh well... my mom and her sister who happens to be my biological mom finally cried and hugged each other. they were insisting on us spending a night there but i don't feel like i belong there. i felt that i would only hurt them if i stay there longer. my biological family would only see how different i am from them. so we said our goodbyes and spent another gureling 2 hour ride on a motorbike. yep. keith, my mom, me and my younger brother all on one motorbike driving thru rough terrain on a starless night.
this has been a day that i would as soon likely forget.
my mother finally had the long overdue house blessing. the house looked great. the food was perfect. Both my parents are happy and at peace. i know it sounds weird but this is the first time i ever saw my mom and dad look so "settled in". when they were living in the city, they've always talked about getting away from the all the family bickering and squabbles. now they have finally did got away from it all.
another worry off my list.
another worry off my list.
clean house
my 4th day on leave. my 3rd day here at my parent's semi-grand house.
everybody's all preparing for the big event on wednesday. the long awaited house blessing is finally going to happen. keith and i decided to clean the house and rearrange the furniture. the house badly needed it. since my parents are into hog-raising, they no longer can't be bothered to clean up the place. besides, with 4 kids running around... why bother?
my mother seems to like keith enough. she likes him enough to talk about weddings. and for some reason, keith is only too happy to oblige her. we were folding clothes on the second floor sitting area when she went up and asked if we have enough time to pull this event off. keith assured her that there is enough time to get everything done. my mom, out of the blue, said to me in a tearful voice:" i am happy to see you and keith. i know that if you settle down with him, you will be in good hands. "
oh mom! i just so love you... and you just have no idea how good keith's hands are.*wink*
everybody's all preparing for the big event on wednesday. the long awaited house blessing is finally going to happen. keith and i decided to clean the house and rearrange the furniture. the house badly needed it. since my parents are into hog-raising, they no longer can't be bothered to clean up the place. besides, with 4 kids running around... why bother?
my mother seems to like keith enough. she likes him enough to talk about weddings. and for some reason, keith is only too happy to oblige her. we were folding clothes on the second floor sitting area when she went up and asked if we have enough time to pull this event off. keith assured her that there is enough time to get everything done. my mom, out of the blue, said to me in a tearful voice:" i am happy to see you and keith. i know that if you settle down with him, you will be in good hands. "
oh mom! i just so love you... and you just have no idea how good keith's hands are.*wink*
home sweet home
after a long and winding trip, we finally docked in bacolod. our arrival was a few hours delayed due to a storm and my sister drove me nuts. i wonder if there ever will be a time when we stop rubbing each other the wrong way. *sigh*
to cut a long story short, we got to my mom and dad's little farm. i wish i could also have cut the trip short the same way i did in the re-telling of my great adventure, but sadly, keith and i had to endure 4 hours of travel on smooth, rocky, semi-rocky roads of negros occidental. i was surprised at how big my mom's house was. it used to be a small, humble nipa hut. it is now a 3 bedroom, 2-storey concrete abode. i was also taken aback at how big my nieces and nephews have grown. the youngest, jordan, has gone from chubby to fat. i have a bad feeling the kid is overweight but there is simply nothing my mom could do about that. jordan throws a fit each time they tell him to lessen his food intake. elleine and jessamyn are turning to be 2 pretty sisters. they both have grown tall. jessamyn is almost as tall as i am. and she is only an incoming 6th grader! carlo, i am happy to note, has become more behaved and responsible. oh my darling little babies! they are all growing so fast...
my mom has gotten thin. the same goes for dad. they have aged a lot since the last time i saw them. well, with my sister living with them that is no surprise. but i sensed that despite the day-to-day problems and obstacles, they are happy. when all is said and done, the have the peace of mind here that they do not have in our place in manila. my grandfather, mom's dad, is still strong and goes about his daily routine without missing a beat. he is now 87 and counting...
i took in a deep breath of the sweet-smelling air. it feels great to be home.
to cut a long story short, we got to my mom and dad's little farm. i wish i could also have cut the trip short the same way i did in the re-telling of my great adventure, but sadly, keith and i had to endure 4 hours of travel on smooth, rocky, semi-rocky roads of negros occidental. i was surprised at how big my mom's house was. it used to be a small, humble nipa hut. it is now a 3 bedroom, 2-storey concrete abode. i was also taken aback at how big my nieces and nephews have grown. the youngest, jordan, has gone from chubby to fat. i have a bad feeling the kid is overweight but there is simply nothing my mom could do about that. jordan throws a fit each time they tell him to lessen his food intake. elleine and jessamyn are turning to be 2 pretty sisters. they both have grown tall. jessamyn is almost as tall as i am. and she is only an incoming 6th grader! carlo, i am happy to note, has become more behaved and responsible. oh my darling little babies! they are all growing so fast...
my mom has gotten thin. the same goes for dad. they have aged a lot since the last time i saw them. well, with my sister living with them that is no surprise. but i sensed that despite the day-to-day problems and obstacles, they are happy. when all is said and done, the have the peace of mind here that they do not have in our place in manila. my grandfather, mom's dad, is still strong and goes about his daily routine without missing a beat. he is now 87 and counting...
i took in a deep breath of the sweet-smelling air. it feels great to be home.
sailing away
day two of my so-called vacation leave and i am still soooooooo stressed out. i already had a facial, shopped, and saw Van Helsing with keith last night. but still, i am all tense and jittery. i am thinking of just calling the whole thing off and stay at home for the whole week or so.
i got out of the office early morning yesterday and immediately went hunting for the stuff my mom told me to bring. i was so tired running around, getting this and that for my family that i promptly fell asleep when i got home at noon. keith then came over and we went to the mall. i had my much-needed facial(my face was plain breaking out!!). then we saw the special effects-ridden movie Van Helsing. it was good, yeah. but forgettable. i was entertained. uh-huh. but there is this hole in the plot and too many fantastic scenes that without a doubt, van helsing existed only in a person's imagination.
so we went home after the late movie. i checked and made sure i had everything i need for the trip. We left for the pier at 7am in the morning. i went all over the house, making sure everything is unplugged. i made sure the door is locked twice. talk about paranoia. we got to the pier and sat for about an hour and a half when the ship started boarding. there was chaos all around us. people got up and all headed towards the boarding area as if the ship is going to sail away without them. the man seated behind us got up and bent over to get his suitcase. keith and i could hardly care but man was wearing this huge knapsack on his back. he hit keith on the head when he bent over to get his suitcase. keith let out a loud expletive and turned to give the guy a good glare. this cracked me up. while the two of them were busy thinking about having a fight there and then, i was laughing my head off.
this trip may prove to be the most tressful i have ever had, but it sure is gonna be one hell of a ride...
i got out of the office early morning yesterday and immediately went hunting for the stuff my mom told me to bring. i was so tired running around, getting this and that for my family that i promptly fell asleep when i got home at noon. keith then came over and we went to the mall. i had my much-needed facial(my face was plain breaking out!!). then we saw the special effects-ridden movie Van Helsing. it was good, yeah. but forgettable. i was entertained. uh-huh. but there is this hole in the plot and too many fantastic scenes that without a doubt, van helsing existed only in a person's imagination.
so we went home after the late movie. i checked and made sure i had everything i need for the trip. We left for the pier at 7am in the morning. i went all over the house, making sure everything is unplugged. i made sure the door is locked twice. talk about paranoia. we got to the pier and sat for about an hour and a half when the ship started boarding. there was chaos all around us. people got up and all headed towards the boarding area as if the ship is going to sail away without them. the man seated behind us got up and bent over to get his suitcase. keith and i could hardly care but man was wearing this huge knapsack on his back. he hit keith on the head when he bent over to get his suitcase. keith let out a loud expletive and turned to give the guy a good glare. this cracked me up. while the two of them were busy thinking about having a fight there and then, i was laughing my head off.
this trip may prove to be the most tressful i have ever had, but it sure is gonna be one hell of a ride...
the miracle i was hoping for came. my vacation leave was approved.
now i feel so rotten because i've been a very bad girl. well... maybe not that bad. i suppose bad habits really do die hard. i've been late 5 times for the last 2 and a half weeks which warrants a memo as per company policy. and i am getting a memo. if not now, then soon. i guess, this is a little wake up call for me. i'm going downhill in my attendance again and that is not the way to go. i have big plans for myself this year and getting a memo anytime soon is a big disappointment for me. but i have no one to blame but my lazy ass. so there!
i was screaming mad at keith a few hours ago. i might have been a little cruel to him, after all, he is still suffering from the blow of not making it to the board passer's list but i am just so irritated with his indecisiveness. he can't give me a straight answer each time i ask him if he'll be coming with me to bacolod to see my family or not. he has a couple of job prospects lined up right now. This is very good for him because between now and the next board exam in november, he wants to make some moolah to support himself. there's nothing wrong with that really but we had this trip planned months ago. i feel like he wants to back out but just can't tell me how. well i just wish he would tell it to me straight. i am buying the tickets tomorrow and i find it a complete waste of time to buy tickets for him and request for it to be refunded later on when he is unable to go because he's got a job already. i just wish to god he would make up his mind and end my misery. i do hope he goes with me but if he can't there's nothing i can do about it. i'll just go as i planned early this year and try not to be miserable during my entire vacation.
so my miracle did come. i do hope god will send me another one real soon.
now i feel so rotten because i've been a very bad girl. well... maybe not that bad. i suppose bad habits really do die hard. i've been late 5 times for the last 2 and a half weeks which warrants a memo as per company policy. and i am getting a memo. if not now, then soon. i guess, this is a little wake up call for me. i'm going downhill in my attendance again and that is not the way to go. i have big plans for myself this year and getting a memo anytime soon is a big disappointment for me. but i have no one to blame but my lazy ass. so there!
i was screaming mad at keith a few hours ago. i might have been a little cruel to him, after all, he is still suffering from the blow of not making it to the board passer's list but i am just so irritated with his indecisiveness. he can't give me a straight answer each time i ask him if he'll be coming with me to bacolod to see my family or not. he has a couple of job prospects lined up right now. This is very good for him because between now and the next board exam in november, he wants to make some moolah to support himself. there's nothing wrong with that really but we had this trip planned months ago. i feel like he wants to back out but just can't tell me how. well i just wish he would tell it to me straight. i am buying the tickets tomorrow and i find it a complete waste of time to buy tickets for him and request for it to be refunded later on when he is unable to go because he's got a job already. i just wish to god he would make up his mind and end my misery. i do hope he goes with me but if he can't there's nothing i can do about it. i'll just go as i planned early this year and try not to be miserable during my entire vacation.
so my miracle did come. i do hope god will send me another one real soon.
i went to the bank yesterday to encash a check. the bank required 3 IDs and i only had two on me when i got there so i went back to my place. i went upstairs, took out my big envelope of "important stuff" and rummaged for my new NBI clearance. i found it... right next to nhell's picture.
i took out the picture and stared at nhell's face long and hard. just like before, each time i came across something that reminded me of him - a picture, a place, a song - a thousand what if's and what could have been's floated thru my head. we could have made it. we could have worked it out. he's a good guy... he really is. he sings real well too. he's also one hell of a great kisser. yeah. no doubt about it. i'm no kiss and tell but i just have to say, this guy's real good at locking lips with a girl. he made me want him real bad.
but keith, although not as good as nhell in the smooching department, far exceeds him in making someone want something. the first time we ever kissed, i not only wanted keith real bad... keith made me want him with me for life.
having come to that conclusion, i sighed. i tore up all of nhell's photos into little bits and threw them in the trash can. no more reminiscing. no more thinking of what might have been and what could have been. my sould has found what it was looking for.
i took out the picture and stared at nhell's face long and hard. just like before, each time i came across something that reminded me of him - a picture, a place, a song - a thousand what if's and what could have been's floated thru my head. we could have made it. we could have worked it out. he's a good guy... he really is. he sings real well too. he's also one hell of a great kisser. yeah. no doubt about it. i'm no kiss and tell but i just have to say, this guy's real good at locking lips with a girl. he made me want him real bad.
but keith, although not as good as nhell in the smooching department, far exceeds him in making someone want something. the first time we ever kissed, i not only wanted keith real bad... keith made me want him with me for life.
having come to that conclusion, i sighed. i tore up all of nhell's photos into little bits and threw them in the trash can. no more reminiscing. no more thinking of what might have been and what could have been. my sould has found what it was looking for.
so it's like this...
you applied your vacation leave 3 months before you take off to the province to see your mom who you haven't seen for four years. you got a fairly good raise in your pay and your salary loan was recently approved. so you have all the moolah saved up for the trip and you're ready to buy your tickets and all. your sked's all set up for the coming month. everything's been set up real nice and all you're waiting for is approval from the big bosses.
then you accumulate more than the allowed number of lates per month. you either will get a verbal warning, a memo, or a lot worse than that... your leave will not be approved after all.
well... shit happens.
i've always believed that little miracles happen everyday. i am keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that a miracle will come my way soon.
you applied your vacation leave 3 months before you take off to the province to see your mom who you haven't seen for four years. you got a fairly good raise in your pay and your salary loan was recently approved. so you have all the moolah saved up for the trip and you're ready to buy your tickets and all. your sked's all set up for the coming month. everything's been set up real nice and all you're waiting for is approval from the big bosses.
then you accumulate more than the allowed number of lates per month. you either will get a verbal warning, a memo, or a lot worse than that... your leave will not be approved after all.
well... shit happens.
i've always believed that little miracles happen everyday. i am keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that a miracle will come my way soon.
keith is going to start his 2-day engineering licensure exams tomorrow. i feel more anxious and nervous than he is. i kept asking him during the weekend if he's feeling nervous or excited. he just shrugged each time and said he can't wait to get it all over with. he pored over 5 years worth of notes and lectures for the past 6 months in preparation for this major event. and now he can't wait to go thru it all and "empty his memory bin" as he would like to put it.
i can't wait for the exams to be over. i can't wait to see the results. i don't think i'll be able to truly relax until i see keith's name on the board passer's list. argghhh!!!
i can't wait for the exams to be over. i can't wait to see the results. i don't think i'll be able to truly relax until i see keith's name on the board passer's list. argghhh!!!
today is good friday.
and some dumb guy walking in my opposite direction just tried to grab my breasts while i was hurrying down the street towards my office. luckily, i was not walking fast enough not to notice his hand coming up and going for my boobies. i slapped the jerk's hand away and walked as fast as i could. the guy went on walking as well and when i looked back i saw him leering at me. i wanted to give him the good ol' dirty finger but as we were the only two people on the street, my common sense took over.
i was so shook up and startled i almost cried. but being the sane, mature young woman that in am, aside from a minute or two away from getting late for work, i fought the tears. i got into the office in time, i called keith to tell him i'm all ok, logged in and took calls.
life goes on...
and some dumb guy walking in my opposite direction just tried to grab my breasts while i was hurrying down the street towards my office. luckily, i was not walking fast enough not to notice his hand coming up and going for my boobies. i slapped the jerk's hand away and walked as fast as i could. the guy went on walking as well and when i looked back i saw him leering at me. i wanted to give him the good ol' dirty finger but as we were the only two people on the street, my common sense took over.
i was so shook up and startled i almost cried. but being the sane, mature young woman that in am, aside from a minute or two away from getting late for work, i fought the tears. i got into the office in time, i called keith to tell him i'm all ok, logged in and took calls.
life goes on...
1yr.9mos.
keith gave me a card with the following message:
"the generous, loving things you say and do are so much a part of you that sometimes i neglect to point out how much i appreciate each and every one. but i do.
you'd probably be amazed to realize all the things i notice. like the energy you put into keeping all the everyday things running smoothly. the "no big deal" way you take things in stride when something unexpected comes up, and the upbeat way you approach whatever it is that each day brings us.
and you still find time to let me know how much i'm loved.
you do all these things so naturally that i've come to count on them. and although they are familiar to me, they will never be taken for granted. i'm one lucky soul. and i won't let me forget it. today, i want you to see it spelled out and make sure you know it, too."
on the blank side of the card he wrote:
"took me a long time choosing the perfect card i want to give you. and this is it. got nothing more to say. it said it all!!! that's what i thought. it still left me something to say which i'm sure you know what that is. ^_^ "
*sigh* why do i even wonder why i love him?!? *sigh*
"the generous, loving things you say and do are so much a part of you that sometimes i neglect to point out how much i appreciate each and every one. but i do.
you'd probably be amazed to realize all the things i notice. like the energy you put into keeping all the everyday things running smoothly. the "no big deal" way you take things in stride when something unexpected comes up, and the upbeat way you approach whatever it is that each day brings us.
and you still find time to let me know how much i'm loved.
you do all these things so naturally that i've come to count on them. and although they are familiar to me, they will never be taken for granted. i'm one lucky soul. and i won't let me forget it. today, i want you to see it spelled out and make sure you know it, too."
on the blank side of the card he wrote:
"took me a long time choosing the perfect card i want to give you. and this is it. got nothing more to say. it said it all!!! that's what i thought. it still left me something to say which i'm sure you know what that is. ^_^ "
*sigh* why do i even wonder why i love him?!? *sigh*
fresh start
our office moved to a new building this week. i think it's all for the better. the workstations are bigger and amenities such as restrooms and pantries are all accessble from within our work area. we are using new computers as well and the internet connection couldn't be more faster. we have to go 44 floors down though to smoke. yep. it's an ear deafening slow descend from where we're located. it's all compensated by the wonderful view of a large chunk of manila though. not bad, really. not bad at all.
this transition to a better working environment has somewhat taken me up from my sudden fall into melanchloy. i remember saying to keith sometime last week that i will try to be more selfish than i normally am. i know that sounds absolutely rotten but everyone who truly knows me is aware of the fact that i am a true-blue hedonist. i only want to "live, love and eat" as famous chef wolfgang puck would say. starting today, i refuse to think of anyone or anything else but myself. i would only think about me, me, me. i refuse to worry about my close friends who couldn't be more farther away from me than they are now. i no longer want to be bothered by my mother's problems or my sister's frustrations and issues. i love them and sympathize with them and i would help them if i could. but since i am miles away from them, there really isn't much help i could offer other than a sympathetic ear and a few pieces of advice. i have finally realized that no matter how much i worry over my parents' or my friends' problems, it doesn't change the fact that i am not the person who would be able to resolve their issues.
i feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. i finally have a reason to smile...
this transition to a better working environment has somewhat taken me up from my sudden fall into melanchloy. i remember saying to keith sometime last week that i will try to be more selfish than i normally am. i know that sounds absolutely rotten but everyone who truly knows me is aware of the fact that i am a true-blue hedonist. i only want to "live, love and eat" as famous chef wolfgang puck would say. starting today, i refuse to think of anyone or anything else but myself. i would only think about me, me, me. i refuse to worry about my close friends who couldn't be more farther away from me than they are now. i no longer want to be bothered by my mother's problems or my sister's frustrations and issues. i love them and sympathize with them and i would help them if i could. but since i am miles away from them, there really isn't much help i could offer other than a sympathetic ear and a few pieces of advice. i have finally realized that no matter how much i worry over my parents' or my friends' problems, it doesn't change the fact that i am not the person who would be able to resolve their issues.
i feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. i finally have a reason to smile...
i visited my friend's blog today and found out she spent the weekend at boracay. i felt happy then bitchy then sad. all in the minute or 2 that it took me to finish reading her most current posts.
i'm happy that she is getting out more often. she seems to be doing well. i'm glad that she is beginning to live and enjoy life. god knows she how hard the past years had been for her. it's time that she experience the good life and i'm trult happy for her. but i can't help but feel cheated and sad. i guess it's bacause i've always thought that we'll be going to fabulous places together. me, her, and another close friend that we have. i have always been invited to go to all sorts of beaches and hang outs by my office friends but i would always decline. i didn't want to go to some beach and be with them, all the while wishing i was with my best friends instead. i always told i'll be going to all these beaches and bars and discos with 2 of the most important people in my life. so it was ok if i missed it. in the end, it was not meant to be. oh well. *sigh*
i know it's wrong for me to bitch about her going to a beatiful place and having fun. none of this is her fault. she didn't tell me to miss out on all those company gimmicks. it was wrong for me to expect anything. in all my wisdom, i failed to remember that things don't happen the way we want them to. i'll keep that in my mind from now on.
i'm happy that she is getting out more often. she seems to be doing well. i'm glad that she is beginning to live and enjoy life. god knows she how hard the past years had been for her. it's time that she experience the good life and i'm trult happy for her. but i can't help but feel cheated and sad. i guess it's bacause i've always thought that we'll be going to fabulous places together. me, her, and another close friend that we have. i have always been invited to go to all sorts of beaches and hang outs by my office friends but i would always decline. i didn't want to go to some beach and be with them, all the while wishing i was with my best friends instead. i always told i'll be going to all these beaches and bars and discos with 2 of the most important people in my life. so it was ok if i missed it. in the end, it was not meant to be. oh well. *sigh*
i know it's wrong for me to bitch about her going to a beatiful place and having fun. none of this is her fault. she didn't tell me to miss out on all those company gimmicks. it was wrong for me to expect anything. in all my wisdom, i failed to remember that things don't happen the way we want them to. i'll keep that in my mind from now on.
i am glad that i am alive and breathing, with no part of my face or body scarred or hurt. i am happy to have spent two nights in keith's arms and three whole days in his company. i am relieved that my house has not been ravaged by the fire that recently hit our neighborhood. i am happy that my sss loan was approved. i am touched that keith's aunt was kind enough to take me in on their small flat while i am waiting for electricity to return on our neighborhood. i have been blessed yet i can't find any reason for me to smile today. none at all.
i want to lie down and rest. i want to close my eyes and sleep my cares away. i want to take off my armor and show everybody that i'm only human after all. i am as vulnerable and weak as the next person is. i am tired of keeping up my facade of strength and self-sufficiency. i want to cry. i want to weep until my eyes dry up and i can't shed any more tears. i want to cry and cry and cry until all my tears have washed away the emptiness and longing in my heart...and maybe then i would find a reason to smile again.
i want to lie down and rest. i want to close my eyes and sleep my cares away. i want to take off my armor and show everybody that i'm only human after all. i am as vulnerable and weak as the next person is. i am tired of keeping up my facade of strength and self-sufficiency. i want to cry. i want to weep until my eyes dry up and i can't shed any more tears. i want to cry and cry and cry until all my tears have washed away the emptiness and longing in my heart...and maybe then i would find a reason to smile again.
big girls don't cry.
i repeatedly told this to myself as i walked from one hospital lab to the other. breathe in... breathe out... don't worry ice. you're a big girl. you can do this. the pain will go away. inhale... exhale... this i said to myself while being prodded and poked by my ob-gyne. i didn't know how hard my knees were shaking until i got off the bed and walked outside of my doctor's office. thankfully, i was able to find myself an empty bench in a quiet corner next to my doctor's room. inhale...exhale...everything's going to be all right. there's nothing to worry about... you'll be fine... i assured myself as i waited for the results of my lab exam. finally, i was told i could go home and rest. my doctor will be seeing me again sometime next week to discuss my medication.
i lit up a cigarette as soon as i got out of the hospital. i just hate hospitals and clinics. I hate it as much as I hate airports. Maybe a lot more. There's a chance you could get reunited with a love one on an airport somewhere. On a hospital, they're usually bound to never come back. Death is silent, sudden, and final. I hate to be reminded of my mortality. Ihate visist to doctors and dentists as well. I hate having to be at the mercy and expertise of someone whose life expectancy could probably be a lot lower than mine. I hate how hospitals smell. And i most especially hate going there alone.
i barely was able to finish my cigarette. I was wrong to think that smoking would calm me and take my mind off the nagging pain in my abdomen. not even having lunch with keith shortly afterwards helped to alleviate the pain. i was happy to be with him again but that happiness bordered more on relief. i have someone to spend the day with for a change. it was then that i realized my abdomen was no longer hurting that much. there is still that insistent pain, but it was far from physical. i realized that my heart was hurting as well... it has been hurting all along...
i repeatedly told this to myself as i walked from one hospital lab to the other. breathe in... breathe out... don't worry ice. you're a big girl. you can do this. the pain will go away. inhale... exhale... this i said to myself while being prodded and poked by my ob-gyne. i didn't know how hard my knees were shaking until i got off the bed and walked outside of my doctor's office. thankfully, i was able to find myself an empty bench in a quiet corner next to my doctor's room. inhale...exhale...everything's going to be all right. there's nothing to worry about... you'll be fine... i assured myself as i waited for the results of my lab exam. finally, i was told i could go home and rest. my doctor will be seeing me again sometime next week to discuss my medication.
i lit up a cigarette as soon as i got out of the hospital. i just hate hospitals and clinics. I hate it as much as I hate airports. Maybe a lot more. There's a chance you could get reunited with a love one on an airport somewhere. On a hospital, they're usually bound to never come back. Death is silent, sudden, and final. I hate to be reminded of my mortality. Ihate visist to doctors and dentists as well. I hate having to be at the mercy and expertise of someone whose life expectancy could probably be a lot lower than mine. I hate how hospitals smell. And i most especially hate going there alone.
i barely was able to finish my cigarette. I was wrong to think that smoking would calm me and take my mind off the nagging pain in my abdomen. not even having lunch with keith shortly afterwards helped to alleviate the pain. i was happy to be with him again but that happiness bordered more on relief. i have someone to spend the day with for a change. it was then that i realized my abdomen was no longer hurting that much. there is still that insistent pain, but it was far from physical. i realized that my heart was hurting as well... it has been hurting all along...
living alone is not all that it's cut out to be. i know i've mentioned this once or twice now in my blog. i guess, despite having lived all by myself for a couple of years now, i haven't really gotten the hang of it yet. although i appreciate having some time for myself and the freedom to do as i please, i crave companionship more than ever. there are times when i dread going home because i know only a silent house will be welcoming me. i almost want to cry when monday comes in because it means i would be back to my empty house. i will once again be entombed in silence. weekdays would always drag by, till it's weekend again and keith will finally be coming over to visit me. then, i feel i am alive again. i am once again part of humanity.
time and again, it has been proven that we will miss that one thing only if it is no longer with us. all i ever wanted when i was still sharing the house with my parents and my sister's brood was to get away from it all. i wanted some peace and quiet. i wanted to hear myself think for a change and not listen to my 4 year old nephew's tearful scream. so i would always be out of the house. hanging out in bars or in coffeeshops, trying to hear the piece of me i am losing connection with. then my parents had to move out and stay in bacolod. permanently. shortly after, my sister and her brood followed suit. now i am all alone. i finally have the peace and quiet i have been asking for the longest time. i could hear myself think and i have found that piece of me i seem to have lost with all that noise. i relished the silence for the longest time.
until the silence slowly became deafening. i woke up to an empty house one day and realized that silence is all i seem to have now. i find myself wanting to hang out someplace, like the malls or the parks, where there are lots of people. suddenly, i wanted to be surrounded with noise and chaos. i wanted to hear laughter and see kids running around and people talking with each other. when i am at keith's, i am reminded of how much i miss my family, something i thought was never going to happen. but i miss them. i really do.
so i got what i wanted but somehow, amazingly, i crave for that which i was only too happy to give up before.
time and again, it has been proven that we will miss that one thing only if it is no longer with us. all i ever wanted when i was still sharing the house with my parents and my sister's brood was to get away from it all. i wanted some peace and quiet. i wanted to hear myself think for a change and not listen to my 4 year old nephew's tearful scream. so i would always be out of the house. hanging out in bars or in coffeeshops, trying to hear the piece of me i am losing connection with. then my parents had to move out and stay in bacolod. permanently. shortly after, my sister and her brood followed suit. now i am all alone. i finally have the peace and quiet i have been asking for the longest time. i could hear myself think and i have found that piece of me i seem to have lost with all that noise. i relished the silence for the longest time.
until the silence slowly became deafening. i woke up to an empty house one day and realized that silence is all i seem to have now. i find myself wanting to hang out someplace, like the malls or the parks, where there are lots of people. suddenly, i wanted to be surrounded with noise and chaos. i wanted to hear laughter and see kids running around and people talking with each other. when i am at keith's, i am reminded of how much i miss my family, something i thought was never going to happen. but i miss them. i really do.
so i got what i wanted but somehow, amazingly, i crave for that which i was only too happy to give up before.
no white flag
for eliza... happy birthday. this is for you and claire as well. ten years of friendship and counting. it's too late for me to give up on a relationship that has sustained me thru most of life's hardships. cheers on your 24th birthday!
and for keith. i will never give up on you and our love.
WHITE FLAG
-Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet which I'm sure we will
All I was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
i won't ever put my hands up in surrender. "there will be no white flag above my door." i love you guys... and i always will.
and for keith. i will never give up on you and our love.
WHITE FLAG
-Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet which I'm sure we will
All I was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
i won't ever put my hands up in surrender. "there will be no white flag above my door." i love you guys... and i always will.
no more weekends with keith
keith told me that he needs to focus on his coming board exam in april. he is not contented with the way his review classes and virtual exams are going. hence, no more weekends for the two of us.
i wouldn't hear none of it at first. i mean, we only see each other and spend time together on the weekends. and now, we won't have that. what am i gonna do on weekends?!
well, i could always go out with my friends. i could dance the night away and drink myself to a stupor. i could also spend the whole day lounging in the mall, probably watch a movie or two. i could also shop. this is probably some teener's dream weekend. it used to be my dream too but not anymore. i've outgrown wild parties, late night outs, and mall-hopping.
i have the money to do all these and more. but it's not what i want. i want to be with keith. i want keith. *sob!*
i wouldn't hear none of it at first. i mean, we only see each other and spend time together on the weekends. and now, we won't have that. what am i gonna do on weekends?!
well, i could always go out with my friends. i could dance the night away and drink myself to a stupor. i could also spend the whole day lounging in the mall, probably watch a movie or two. i could also shop. this is probably some teener's dream weekend. it used to be my dream too but not anymore. i've outgrown wild parties, late night outs, and mall-hopping.
i have the money to do all these and more. but it's not what i want. i want to be with keith. i want keith. *sob!*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)