i visited my friend's blog today and found out she spent the weekend at boracay. i felt happy then bitchy then sad. all in the minute or 2 that it took me to finish reading her most current posts.
i'm happy that she is getting out more often. she seems to be doing well. i'm glad that she is beginning to live and enjoy life. god knows she how hard the past years had been for her. it's time that she experience the good life and i'm trult happy for her. but i can't help but feel cheated and sad. i guess it's bacause i've always thought that we'll be going to fabulous places together. me, her, and another close friend that we have. i have always been invited to go to all sorts of beaches and hang outs by my office friends but i would always decline. i didn't want to go to some beach and be with them, all the while wishing i was with my best friends instead. i always told i'll be going to all these beaches and bars and discos with 2 of the most important people in my life. so it was ok if i missed it. in the end, it was not meant to be. oh well. *sigh*
i know it's wrong for me to bitch about her going to a beatiful place and having fun. none of this is her fault. she didn't tell me to miss out on all those company gimmicks. it was wrong for me to expect anything. in all my wisdom, i failed to remember that things don't happen the way we want them to. i'll keep that in my mind from now on.
i am glad that i am alive and breathing, with no part of my face or body scarred or hurt. i am happy to have spent two nights in keith's arms and three whole days in his company. i am relieved that my house has not been ravaged by the fire that recently hit our neighborhood. i am happy that my sss loan was approved. i am touched that keith's aunt was kind enough to take me in on their small flat while i am waiting for electricity to return on our neighborhood. i have been blessed yet i can't find any reason for me to smile today. none at all.
i want to lie down and rest. i want to close my eyes and sleep my cares away. i want to take off my armor and show everybody that i'm only human after all. i am as vulnerable and weak as the next person is. i am tired of keeping up my facade of strength and self-sufficiency. i want to cry. i want to weep until my eyes dry up and i can't shed any more tears. i want to cry and cry and cry until all my tears have washed away the emptiness and longing in my heart...and maybe then i would find a reason to smile again.
i want to lie down and rest. i want to close my eyes and sleep my cares away. i want to take off my armor and show everybody that i'm only human after all. i am as vulnerable and weak as the next person is. i am tired of keeping up my facade of strength and self-sufficiency. i want to cry. i want to weep until my eyes dry up and i can't shed any more tears. i want to cry and cry and cry until all my tears have washed away the emptiness and longing in my heart...and maybe then i would find a reason to smile again.
big girls don't cry.
i repeatedly told this to myself as i walked from one hospital lab to the other. breathe in... breathe out... don't worry ice. you're a big girl. you can do this. the pain will go away. inhale... exhale... this i said to myself while being prodded and poked by my ob-gyne. i didn't know how hard my knees were shaking until i got off the bed and walked outside of my doctor's office. thankfully, i was able to find myself an empty bench in a quiet corner next to my doctor's room. inhale...exhale...everything's going to be all right. there's nothing to worry about... you'll be fine... i assured myself as i waited for the results of my lab exam. finally, i was told i could go home and rest. my doctor will be seeing me again sometime next week to discuss my medication.
i lit up a cigarette as soon as i got out of the hospital. i just hate hospitals and clinics. I hate it as much as I hate airports. Maybe a lot more. There's a chance you could get reunited with a love one on an airport somewhere. On a hospital, they're usually bound to never come back. Death is silent, sudden, and final. I hate to be reminded of my mortality. Ihate visist to doctors and dentists as well. I hate having to be at the mercy and expertise of someone whose life expectancy could probably be a lot lower than mine. I hate how hospitals smell. And i most especially hate going there alone.
i barely was able to finish my cigarette. I was wrong to think that smoking would calm me and take my mind off the nagging pain in my abdomen. not even having lunch with keith shortly afterwards helped to alleviate the pain. i was happy to be with him again but that happiness bordered more on relief. i have someone to spend the day with for a change. it was then that i realized my abdomen was no longer hurting that much. there is still that insistent pain, but it was far from physical. i realized that my heart was hurting as well... it has been hurting all along...
i repeatedly told this to myself as i walked from one hospital lab to the other. breathe in... breathe out... don't worry ice. you're a big girl. you can do this. the pain will go away. inhale... exhale... this i said to myself while being prodded and poked by my ob-gyne. i didn't know how hard my knees were shaking until i got off the bed and walked outside of my doctor's office. thankfully, i was able to find myself an empty bench in a quiet corner next to my doctor's room. inhale...exhale...everything's going to be all right. there's nothing to worry about... you'll be fine... i assured myself as i waited for the results of my lab exam. finally, i was told i could go home and rest. my doctor will be seeing me again sometime next week to discuss my medication.
i lit up a cigarette as soon as i got out of the hospital. i just hate hospitals and clinics. I hate it as much as I hate airports. Maybe a lot more. There's a chance you could get reunited with a love one on an airport somewhere. On a hospital, they're usually bound to never come back. Death is silent, sudden, and final. I hate to be reminded of my mortality. Ihate visist to doctors and dentists as well. I hate having to be at the mercy and expertise of someone whose life expectancy could probably be a lot lower than mine. I hate how hospitals smell. And i most especially hate going there alone.
i barely was able to finish my cigarette. I was wrong to think that smoking would calm me and take my mind off the nagging pain in my abdomen. not even having lunch with keith shortly afterwards helped to alleviate the pain. i was happy to be with him again but that happiness bordered more on relief. i have someone to spend the day with for a change. it was then that i realized my abdomen was no longer hurting that much. there is still that insistent pain, but it was far from physical. i realized that my heart was hurting as well... it has been hurting all along...
living alone is not all that it's cut out to be. i know i've mentioned this once or twice now in my blog. i guess, despite having lived all by myself for a couple of years now, i haven't really gotten the hang of it yet. although i appreciate having some time for myself and the freedom to do as i please, i crave companionship more than ever. there are times when i dread going home because i know only a silent house will be welcoming me. i almost want to cry when monday comes in because it means i would be back to my empty house. i will once again be entombed in silence. weekdays would always drag by, till it's weekend again and keith will finally be coming over to visit me. then, i feel i am alive again. i am once again part of humanity.
time and again, it has been proven that we will miss that one thing only if it is no longer with us. all i ever wanted when i was still sharing the house with my parents and my sister's brood was to get away from it all. i wanted some peace and quiet. i wanted to hear myself think for a change and not listen to my 4 year old nephew's tearful scream. so i would always be out of the house. hanging out in bars or in coffeeshops, trying to hear the piece of me i am losing connection with. then my parents had to move out and stay in bacolod. permanently. shortly after, my sister and her brood followed suit. now i am all alone. i finally have the peace and quiet i have been asking for the longest time. i could hear myself think and i have found that piece of me i seem to have lost with all that noise. i relished the silence for the longest time.
until the silence slowly became deafening. i woke up to an empty house one day and realized that silence is all i seem to have now. i find myself wanting to hang out someplace, like the malls or the parks, where there are lots of people. suddenly, i wanted to be surrounded with noise and chaos. i wanted to hear laughter and see kids running around and people talking with each other. when i am at keith's, i am reminded of how much i miss my family, something i thought was never going to happen. but i miss them. i really do.
so i got what i wanted but somehow, amazingly, i crave for that which i was only too happy to give up before.
time and again, it has been proven that we will miss that one thing only if it is no longer with us. all i ever wanted when i was still sharing the house with my parents and my sister's brood was to get away from it all. i wanted some peace and quiet. i wanted to hear myself think for a change and not listen to my 4 year old nephew's tearful scream. so i would always be out of the house. hanging out in bars or in coffeeshops, trying to hear the piece of me i am losing connection with. then my parents had to move out and stay in bacolod. permanently. shortly after, my sister and her brood followed suit. now i am all alone. i finally have the peace and quiet i have been asking for the longest time. i could hear myself think and i have found that piece of me i seem to have lost with all that noise. i relished the silence for the longest time.
until the silence slowly became deafening. i woke up to an empty house one day and realized that silence is all i seem to have now. i find myself wanting to hang out someplace, like the malls or the parks, where there are lots of people. suddenly, i wanted to be surrounded with noise and chaos. i wanted to hear laughter and see kids running around and people talking with each other. when i am at keith's, i am reminded of how much i miss my family, something i thought was never going to happen. but i miss them. i really do.
so i got what i wanted but somehow, amazingly, i crave for that which i was only too happy to give up before.
no white flag
for eliza... happy birthday. this is for you and claire as well. ten years of friendship and counting. it's too late for me to give up on a relationship that has sustained me thru most of life's hardships. cheers on your 24th birthday!
and for keith. i will never give up on you and our love.
WHITE FLAG
-Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet which I'm sure we will
All I was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
i won't ever put my hands up in surrender. "there will be no white flag above my door." i love you guys... and i always will.
and for keith. i will never give up on you and our love.
WHITE FLAG
-Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet which I'm sure we will
All I was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
i won't ever put my hands up in surrender. "there will be no white flag above my door." i love you guys... and i always will.
no more weekends with keith
keith told me that he needs to focus on his coming board exam in april. he is not contented with the way his review classes and virtual exams are going. hence, no more weekends for the two of us.
i wouldn't hear none of it at first. i mean, we only see each other and spend time together on the weekends. and now, we won't have that. what am i gonna do on weekends?!
well, i could always go out with my friends. i could dance the night away and drink myself to a stupor. i could also spend the whole day lounging in the mall, probably watch a movie or two. i could also shop. this is probably some teener's dream weekend. it used to be my dream too but not anymore. i've outgrown wild parties, late night outs, and mall-hopping.
i have the money to do all these and more. but it's not what i want. i want to be with keith. i want keith. *sob!*
i wouldn't hear none of it at first. i mean, we only see each other and spend time together on the weekends. and now, we won't have that. what am i gonna do on weekends?!
well, i could always go out with my friends. i could dance the night away and drink myself to a stupor. i could also spend the whole day lounging in the mall, probably watch a movie or two. i could also shop. this is probably some teener's dream weekend. it used to be my dream too but not anymore. i've outgrown wild parties, late night outs, and mall-hopping.
i have the money to do all these and more. but it's not what i want. i want to be with keith. i want keith. *sob!*
november
this is what people born in november are like according to the spam mail i got today:
Has a lot of ideas.(uhm.. yah, i think this is why i have a blog!) Difficult to fathom.(not really.i'm easy to figure out. if you're smart enough... eheheeheh.)Thinks forward.(like thinking about the future?nah...i don't think about something that's about to happen.i think about what i need to deal with now.) Unique and brilliant.(yes!definitely!heheheeh...) Extraordinary ideas.(haven't invented anything yet. we'll see.) Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance.(i'm not into any psychic crap...) Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets.(this is a trait that i sure have. it irks most of my friends especially keith.heheheeh...) Always thinking. (aren't all people?)Less talkative but amiable.(this depends on the people i'm with...) Brave and generous. Patient.(i am... up to a certain point...) Stubborn and hard-hearted.(i can be...if i want to...) If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises.(this is so NOT true...) High-spirited. Well-built and tough. (i am WELL-built and although i could be tough, on certain occasions, i could be soft...just ask keith...*wink*) Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. (if this means pretty, well, that's why they call me diosa around this parts...) Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.(i am able to. if i put my mind to it...) Unpredictable.
Has a lot of ideas.(uhm.. yah, i think this is why i have a blog!) Difficult to fathom.(not really.i'm easy to figure out. if you're smart enough... eheheeheh.)Thinks forward.(like thinking about the future?nah...i don't think about something that's about to happen.i think about what i need to deal with now.) Unique and brilliant.(yes!definitely!heheheeh...) Extraordinary ideas.(haven't invented anything yet. we'll see.) Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance.(i'm not into any psychic crap...) Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets.(this is a trait that i sure have. it irks most of my friends especially keith.heheheeh...) Always thinking. (aren't all people?)Less talkative but amiable.(this depends on the people i'm with...) Brave and generous. Patient.(i am... up to a certain point...) Stubborn and hard-hearted.(i can be...if i want to...) If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises.(this is so NOT true...) High-spirited. Well-built and tough. (i am WELL-built and although i could be tough, on certain occasions, i could be soft...just ask keith...*wink*) Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. (if this means pretty, well, that's why they call me diosa around this parts...) Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.(i am able to. if i put my mind to it...) Unpredictable.
drama!
minsan, nakakainis na lang talaga. the frustration and disappointment is enough to drive me to tears.
but i resolve not to cry. tama na ang daang luhang naiyak ko para sa inyo. sabihin nyo nga sa kin,masama ba akong kaibigan?ibinigay ko ang lahat ng pwede kong ibigay. kulang pa rin ba yon? kulang pa ba ang pagmamahal at pang-unawa na binibigay ko sa inyo para ako naman ang unawain nyo?
hindi ako nanunumbat. ang masakit lang talaga eh, sa mahigit sampung taon nating pagsasama, mukhang hindi nyo pa rin ako kilala. ika nga nila, di nyo pa rin huli ang kiliti ko. it's so sad for me to realize that in all the years that we have been together, you never really knew me.
nung araw na nag-talo tayo dahil sa ginawa mo sa bahay namin, nag-text ka. sabi mo "i'll always be here for you". you told me that you'll always be my friend. o eh nasan ka ngayon?bakit hindi ka makalapit sa kin?ni hindi ka nga nagte-text eh. ayaw mo rin makipagkita. then you're going to come out and say i've given up on you?
walang nagbago sa kin. walang nagbago sa pagtingin ko sa iyo. ikaw ang nagbago, ikaw ang lumayo. *sigh*. i am just wasting my breath here. panahon na siguro para tanggapin ko na wala na kayo sa piling ko. hindi ko na aaksayahin ang oras ko na puntahan kayo o tawagan kayo "to patch things up". walang nagbago sa kin. hindi nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa inyo. kayo ang lumayo, kayo ang nagbago.
but i resolve not to cry. tama na ang daang luhang naiyak ko para sa inyo. sabihin nyo nga sa kin,masama ba akong kaibigan?ibinigay ko ang lahat ng pwede kong ibigay. kulang pa rin ba yon? kulang pa ba ang pagmamahal at pang-unawa na binibigay ko sa inyo para ako naman ang unawain nyo?
hindi ako nanunumbat. ang masakit lang talaga eh, sa mahigit sampung taon nating pagsasama, mukhang hindi nyo pa rin ako kilala. ika nga nila, di nyo pa rin huli ang kiliti ko. it's so sad for me to realize that in all the years that we have been together, you never really knew me.
nung araw na nag-talo tayo dahil sa ginawa mo sa bahay namin, nag-text ka. sabi mo "i'll always be here for you". you told me that you'll always be my friend. o eh nasan ka ngayon?bakit hindi ka makalapit sa kin?ni hindi ka nga nagte-text eh. ayaw mo rin makipagkita. then you're going to come out and say i've given up on you?
walang nagbago sa kin. walang nagbago sa pagtingin ko sa iyo. ikaw ang nagbago, ikaw ang lumayo. *sigh*. i am just wasting my breath here. panahon na siguro para tanggapin ko na wala na kayo sa piling ko. hindi ko na aaksayahin ang oras ko na puntahan kayo o tawagan kayo "to patch things up". walang nagbago sa kin. hindi nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa inyo. kayo ang lumayo, kayo ang nagbago.
You are the beautiful and compassionate Queen. You are the epitomy of what every woman should be. You are confident, bold, aggressive, smart, womanly and feminine. You know the right thing to do and do it. You command respect and earn praise. You are moral and loving. In times of trouble, you draw strength from within, and are a source of strength for others.
Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
i took a shower today and was aghast to see how fat i've become.
this shouldn't have been a surprise to me anymore since i've stopped fitting into my fave jeans last year. i've known and felt for some time now that i am fat but the realization didn't really hit me until i saw the naked truth. my only thought, as i stared at myself wearing nothing but my birthday suit, was "Ewww..."
i think i should start going to the gym now.really.my migraine's getting worse and i'm becoming more lethargic every day. i think it's all because i'm going a "little" overweight. yes. i should go to the gym.
now if only i could get my ass off my bed long enough to go there...hmmm...
"houston... we have a problem."
this shouldn't have been a surprise to me anymore since i've stopped fitting into my fave jeans last year. i've known and felt for some time now that i am fat but the realization didn't really hit me until i saw the naked truth. my only thought, as i stared at myself wearing nothing but my birthday suit, was "Ewww..."
i think i should start going to the gym now.really.my migraine's getting worse and i'm becoming more lethargic every day. i think it's all because i'm going a "little" overweight. yes. i should go to the gym.
now if only i could get my ass off my bed long enough to go there...hmmm...
"houston... we have a problem."
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