keith and i have been losing valuable sleep over his job interviews and applications. nagkasabay-sabay kasi. he's determined to leave his current job (which sucks big time) and move on to better, greener pastures. i couldn't agree with him more. he was bent on landing himself a good, stable job that it just broke my heart to hear him say that he was denied yet again when he called me in the office yesterday afternoon.

Keith: i'm a bum baby. i can't get myself a job. i'm a bum.

Ice: aww c'mon. that's just one stupid company.you'll get another offer. and it'll be better than this one. you'll see.

Keith: hmp! to hell with them all! pinasa ko na nga pala resignation letter ko. wala na akong trabaho baby. i'm a bum.

he kept on saying that he's a bum all throughout the ride home. he bought me one of my fave cake and said that he doesn't have any money anymore. he bought me cake because he soon won't be able to give me anything. because he's a bum. *sigh*. like i frigging care...

we ate some of the cake and prepared to catch some zzz's. he asked me to look at the profile of the firm that turned him down. i sat next to him on the bed and opened the folder he offered to me. it read on top:

We are referring Keith Hidalgo to your clinic for a complete pre-employment medical exam.

Below the referral form was another sheet of paper saying:

Welcome to S****!
We are pleased to offer to you the following position and benefits...

i was so surprised i cried and laughed at the same time.

while in the midst of planning for my wedding, i applied for an open position here in the office. it's my 3rd, maybe 4th, application for a higher position this year. this time it's for QA. i do hope i land the promotion. i have always eyed the QA position but this wasn't available to us Level 1's before. now, the opportunity has come. and i've grabbed it of course. i do hope i get. really.

if i don't get it, well... it's either i'm a dumb, irresponsible employee (which i don't believe i am) or maybe management is dumb and irresponsible (which i believe they are at times). i am hoping against hope. i really want this. could you see me bleeding? it's how much i want to be in this position.

all the details for my wedding are set. we've saved up enough to pay for the church where the ceremony will be held. we're now saving up for the rest of the payments we need to make. somehow, i know we'll be able to pull this thru. somehow, some way... we will pull this thru.

and i'll make sure to ace that frigging interview for the QA position!

keith and i had a long talk last night. i was argumentative at the start of the conversation, then i bawled my eyes out, and then i feel asleep in his arms.

keith and i rarely have screaming matches. that's a good thing i suppose. i don't like screaming matches at all. and keith doesn't like them either. we discussed money matters, the wedding... he doesn't want to call it off. i admire him for his certainty. he is so sure of himself that nothing shakes him. absolutely nothing. he asked me if i want to get married now, like right now.

i said no.

his silence told me that wasn't the reply he was expecting. but i couldn't lie to him, not even to save his pride.

he hugged me tighter and asked me why. i said all the reasons i could think of. we're strapped for cash, i don't think we'd be able to pull it off, he hasn't reahed his goals yet and so have i, my nieces and nephews won't be there, etcetera, etcetera.

he said he just don't understand why i suddenly wanted to put a stop to everything when it was a mere few days ago i was ranting about how great the menu we have was. this whole ugly tricycle incident came up and bam! i want to call off everything.

i cried then. and he just held me all thru the night.

after that very bad phone call, i resumed my day as if it's like any other day. but thoughts were racing thru my head. like, what if keith and i just call the whole wedding off? i mean, we're obviously strapped for cash. his parents, although willing to provide for the venue and all the moral support they could offer, bless them, could not offer any monetary support. the same goes for my parents. and it's not like we're asking for money but it's so obvious to me that we do need to have more money. i'm afraid that the "simple" wedding we're planning to have is still going to cost us a lot.

and then i got to thinking about me not having a bank account of my own. still. i mean, isn't that a goal that i haven't achieved yet? and what about my plans of going out of the country? and studying a foreing language?

and what about my parents? suddenly, they are like these monsters. and what's that crap about my nieces and nephews not coming over to join the wedding? so it's just going to be just my mom and dad? bullshit! that's utter bullshit! why is it that they don't seem to be happy for me? why do i feel like they resent me? is it just me, with all my guilt at not being able to provide for them like what they have been asking me to? is it because they don't like the idea of me tying the knot?

i just had to talk with someone. and so i talked with prima. and she said that if i'll get married then it should be when and where i want to with the person that i want to do it with. she said i should just forget about what everybody thinks and stop and listen to what i think.

*sigh* if only it were that simple.

my day started with several calls and text messages from my sister. i need to call my mom because they have something very important to tell me. and it has to be like NOW!

i called them and apparently they need money, about 24 thousand pesopesoses, to buy this secondhand tricycle. my mom said it's for her. a new business that she wants to put up. she'll buy the freakin' vehicle and have my sister's husband drive it. ok. not bad. where will i get the fucking 24 thousand pesopesoses though?

i do not have 24 thousand bucks. i only have about 5 thousand. and that money's for the wedding. ah yes, the wedding. it's coming up in july, by the way. but mom pooh-poohed and said that's still too far and that i shouldn't worry and that no, to save money, my beloved nieces and nephews shouldn't go at all. besides, they wouldn't be able to skip class on that so far off date. dad said that they really need the money like RIGHT NOW and that they need 24 freaking thousands. oh what? yah, i don't have any money on me. really. seriously. aw, that's too bad.mom butted in and said well, then we'll just have to figure out a way. yes, too bad keith and i only have 8 thousand to loan to you right now. oh yes, it's all right, you'll pay us by january. no problem. oh and you'll make sure to pay me by then because you don't want me to be fucking lacking in anything.

i agreed to sending them all the money keith and i have saved up for the wedding so far. i told them i'd send it as soon as i could. then my mom hung up. and i hung up. and i cried.

in all my 3 years working in a call center answering calls and talking with people from all walks of life, the phone call i had with my parents was the worse.

the gown

gown,
originally uploaded by mistress_ice.

i've finally decided on a gown. after coursing thru theknot.com's huge collection of designers and gowns, i go right back to the gown that i have decided on a year ago.

it's simple and elegant. just the way i want it. i don't want to wear a gown with a ton of beadwork that will just weigh me down and make me look like it's the gown that's wearing me instead of the other way around.

*sigh*. it's so pretty...

keith and i are seriously considering not having a church wedding but a civil ceremony instead. money is tight these days and to spend a huge amount for a one-time affair seems foolish. the house in makati, where we will be spending most of our time, needs a few major repairs and we're thinking the money would be better spent on them. still... as angelo pointed out, we're getting married only once (hopefully!eheheheheh...) and it would definitely be better to have the wedding that we want.

hmmm...

can't we just elope and be done with it?...

crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday to me...
crappy birthday, crappy birthday...
crappy birthday to me.

*sigh*. if it weren't for keith and a few good friends who cheered me today, my birthday would have gone down the toilet. i supposed i should be thankful that i got to have the day off... but then again... maybe some people should have told me beforehand that my going out of town for my birthday would be nothing but a pipe dream. grrr...