whenever i look at myself in the mirror, i get depressed. i am overweight. my face is all dark and pimply. my stretch marks are just hideous. they're all over my stomach, running down to my thighs.

but i look at my child...



and see how beautiful she is...



everything is back to being all right. my stretchmarks would fade, i would lose my pregnancy weight. i just need to be patient. but if they don't then it's ok. there's always cosmetic surgery. haha!

i have a beautiful child. and that's all that matters for now.

does motherhood become me? ahahhaah. i don't know. i don't think so... what i do know is that i am at peace when i have my baby in my arms...

finally out to conquer the world!Ü
born Thursday, Sep.20, 2007 at 2:48am. Weighing 7.7lbs.
my little princess, Keicia.

presenting: our Baby Girl!

the 3D4D ulstrasound was not that expensive, still it threw us off by a thousand or two. but darth and i could hardly care. it's our first year anniversary and it's our baby... it was just the most precious thing seeing her (yes, our baby is 99% girl based on the ultrasound!) moving. i've been feeling her move around since i'm on my 7th month now but it's just amazing to actually see her inside my tummy, sucking her thumb, lifting her arms and kicking her legs...

when i first found out i was pregnant i could hardly believe it. i've always wanted to have a baby but for some reason, i just can't get pregnant. my OB told me i may have difficulty conceiving and may need to take some pills for it... and now all of a sudden, i AM pregnant. it was like your wish coming true but you can't trust yourself to believe it because you can't trust it to be true.

well, now i'm a believer... i can't wait to have her in my arms ...

nothing

he said it is all about nothingness. he won't explain. you'll just have to read on and find out for yourself the thoughts entangled within each line.

could someone then explain to me what he means by this:

Thoughts of you
Thinking about you day and night, well if you feel the same way to, just remember that I'm here
for you. Everyday I've always loved you, everyday I'm always thinking of
you, everyday another lonely day with you.....
April 13, 2007

this sounds stupid but i hope he's talking about his mother. i'm sure he's not talking about me. cripes. if he thinks about me day and night, why doesn't he send me messages more often? if everyday is always a lonely day without me, then why is he always going to here and there on his days off? if he's always here for me, then why does he complain when i ask for a glass of water or for him to buy me food? so it's definitely not me. i think it's from a song, but why put this specific song in your blog? is it because it is nothing?

see... this is the thing with having a blog. you share your thoughts with the rest of the world. you cannot simply label your thoughts as "nothing" because to some people they are not. people who know you will be able to read it will think... wtf is this? who is he thinking of everday? is it her? is it his friend abroad? or, horror of horrors, is it someone else? again??

a couple of weeks ago a dear friend of mine asked me if he was ok. i said yeah he's ok. we're ok. then my friend asked what his shoutout in friendster was all about: "everyday is a struggle, with you at the center of it". i have no freaking idea. when i look at what he writes and listens to, it's like he's always in pain. i never thought that he was so fucking angst-ridden. i asked him about it and he said he writes what he wants to write about and he doesn't care what people think. yeah right. i suppose he wouldn't mind if i start carrying on with some stud and people start calling him a cuckold. he doesn't care what people think right?

he won't explain and i certainly won't ask. if i ask him he'll just say it's nothing and i'll probably just upset myself and my baby. if he answers it's me, i'll know he's lying and i'll just be upset which in turn will upset my baby. if he says it's some bitch from whereever, then i'll be upset and so will my baby.

so, go on ahead and write about all the nothingness you can think of. oh... why don't you try this one on for size: if you're so fucking unhappy why don't you just leave?

and please, don't throw the question back at me. i may have put most of my unhappy thoughts into writing, but i have also shared my happiness.

in case you stumble upon this and wonder if i am upset or not, wonder not. this is nothing.

i came across this comment while surfing for asian films. it was a comment made on a korean film about people and relationships online:

" its so true abt all this online relationships. normally after the
meeting, the 'chatters' tends to distance away from each other. =( "

not for me. meeting him was only the beginning... *wink*

fears

i am sometimes afraid for myself and for my baby. i am alone in the house most of the time... what if i slip while going downstairs? what if i started bleeding? what if someone comes and attacks me in the middle of the night?

i feel so alone.

funny, i speak with hundreds of people everyday in the course of my work and yet... i find myself alone. always alone.

i was right when i told me mother i can't stop working. i really can't. i can't afford to. because no one is going to take care of me. and now i am going to have a baby, i am even more afraid. some days, when working long hours... i want to quit. i want to rest for my little one's sake... maybe grab a bite to eat because for the nth time i missed lunch again and my stomach is grumbling. but i can't. too much is at stake. if i stop working i won't have money when my baby comes. then who will take care of us?

i lie down at night thinking if he'll be a good father. and then i get scared. he is unable to deal with the pressure and take care of a pregnant wife. what more a helpless infant? he puts up with me everyday and i can see him burdened by it. so sad. because you cannot merely "put up" with a child, the way you "put up" with me. children need to be cherished and nurtured.

i am afraid, as shown by how you are as a husband, you don't know how.

not my cup of tea

i have always liked "tea and sympathy" by jars of clay. it reminds me of commitment: "don't trade us for tea and sympathy." it's not safe to trust someone completely just because they are there when the one you rely on is not. or to mistake soothing words and strong shoulders for love.

i think he likes it for a different reason altogether. he traded his old love for tea and sympathy... once. he risked it only to have his new love traded for the same thing... and now he thinks about her and how it could have been... if she had stayed, if she had been strong enough... if she had not given up and traded him for something or someone else. then maybe, he wouldn't be stuck with his old love now... nothing but second-best... ah! how painful it must be for you. the hurt must be greater than mine... you probably still bleed over old wounds...

that's how karma works.

i've always believed in miracles. not full-blown, there-is-a-god kind of a miracle. but little, everyday ones. those that make you smile and think that, despite all the evil lurking, there is still something worth living for... something good to look forward to everyday...

and i have have a little miracle growing inside me... could you believe it?...

i can't wait for september to come... =)

i told my best friend the other day that it's sad but i would prefer to be a mistress than a wife.
she said... "naman..." like i didn't mean it and that i was just kidding.

but i was serious. that's what makes it sad.

why?

he asked thru SMS : " why did you marry a piece of crap like me then? why did you marry a piece of crap? "

i was crying while i replied: "because i love you."

some days, like today, i want to feel like i'm being cared for... waited on ... taken cared of...

not the other way around.

boo bear

this is the little girl i had to eat kiamoy for. the reason i was hit in the head with a big desk calendar. the little girl i pushed around in her pink barbie bike. she made me dance to High 5. made me fall in love with the backyardigans. she made me sing with barney.

we took those quiet walks in the early mornings... we played all those afternoons... and she made me forget my heart was broken.

i took to reading books about dra. margarita holmes a few months back, right after darth and i got married. we were staying at his aunt's place at that time where there was dsl connection which i needed for my wfh job. there were all of these books about religion, architecture (his aunt is an architect), hobbies, crafts... and golly, dra. holmes' books about sex and health. wow!

so i read them all and i just love her matter-of-fact writing. she explains all the technicalites with just enough humour and wit. it's entertaining, educational and funny all at the same time. below is my favorite of all her pieces of advice. it's for a young man named mark who broke up with his beloved girlfriend of three years. the girl dumped him for another man and he thought it was bad karma for him. this is part of what dra.holmes had to say:

think about what you had and ask yourself if it wasn't worth it. you had a good three years in which it seemed you were in heaven. you had terrific sex, not because of technical proficiency or some sophisticated gadgetry you picked up in europe or somewhere, but because the two of you really connected, heart to heart and soul to soul.

you had three wonderful years with her. that is three years more than most people have in their entire lives.

dr.ethel person, a psychologist-psychiatrist, wrote one of the truest things about romantic love in her book Dreams of Love and Other Fateful Encounters. She said that love transforms us. it makes us better, braver people, able to transcend petty concerns, able to stand up to situations we would ordinarily just let pass. this and not how long it lasts or whether it ends up in marriage is the essence of romantic love. this is what makes it so valuable. and when we're particularly blessed, as you seem to be (i shall tell you why later on), the transformation lasts way after the love has gone.

what was karmic were the three years that were so good, not the time after that was so bad. and these years were because, sometime in your life you "must've done something good."

the british author jeanette winterson says it in another way: " however it is debased or misinterpreted, love is a redemptive feature. to focus on one individual so that their desires become superior to yours is a very cleansing experience." (London Times, London,1992).

"do you want me to tell you something really subversive?" erica jong asks in her book how to save your own life(1997). "love is everything it's cracked up to be. that's why people are so cynical about it... it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for."

and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. how true mark. how very true. but you didn't, you see. you didn't hold back and play it safe. you took the risk, dared to plunge, and went right into the fracas. and now you are suffering a bit from the aftermath. like your friends, i too, wish you didn't have to.

but think about it a minute. if that is the price you had to pay for those three years, wouldn't you do it all over again? wasn't it worth it all?

ahhh... no wonder i've done what i did last year...

i just wanted to share to the rest of the world the wonderful photos of the smile co. ^_^

big thanks to them for taking those gorgeous pictures of our pre-nup and wedding! and for the insightful write-up too. =D

"this is what we do, we fight! i'm not afraid to hurt your feelings you tell me when i'm being a son of a bitch and i tell you when your being a pain in the ass with a 99 percent rebate rate that you'll be a pain in the ass again. it's not going to be easy. it's going to be very dificult. but i'm willing to do that just to be with you everyday of my life because i want you... all of you." - the notebook

-from darth 11:30AM

*sigh*. some days, it is so difficult to love you. god only knows why i put up with it all... why i've put up with all our issues for 4 years now... god only knows why, despite our arguments, insecurities, issues, i've agreed to marry you.

i want to regret decisions i have made... but like you, i think regrets are only for losers and fools. and i am neither. to regret decisions i have made is short of saying i have never been happy with you and that i was wrong in choosing to be with you. that wouldn't be fair and true because i am happy to be with you when you're not being an ass like these days...

maybe i'm just tired... tired of cooking, cleaning, washing... i'm tired of waiting on you all the time... i'm tired of seeing you treat your friends like royalty while you just watch me slave away doing household chores. some days, i am so tired i could just fall dead. but it doesn't seem to matter to you... i don't think you even notice...

i'm fed up and i want to leave... and what do you do? you send me messages like that qoute. you turn all sweet and attentive, doing this and that for me. when i give you the cold shoulder, you pout like the big baby that you are and look hurt. you say that i always make you feel like you don't do anything right. well... you always make me feel taken for granted. and i have had enough of this vicious cycle.

when the storm milenyo hit manila last september 28, darth and i were among the unlucky people trapped inside the Mall of Asia.

i saw booths practically ripped off from where they stood and rolled and lifted all over the SM parking lot. chairs and tables skidded this way and that. papers, shards of glass and broken metal were swirling along in the strong winds. darth wanted to make a dash for it but i was cautious (and yes, frightened) and preferred to stick it out inside the mall.

we waited it out a bit and when the winds have let up a little we decided to run for it. we ran across the parking lot over to the side of the SM office buildings. we caught a bus then got off at MIA road. we were so wet from walking in the rain no cab would give us a ride. so off we walked back to baclaran.

while walking towards baclaran, cold and miserable from the rain, darth turned to me and side: "well, i guess this is really it huh. this is the worst of all the trials we have to go thru... god, i can't even keep you from getting wet. look at us. we're miserable. "

i smiled, caught his hand in mine and sang in reply: "oohhh... how i love the rainy days, walking hand in hand with the one i love.ooohhh... how i love the rainy days in a happy way i feel inside..."

he pinched my nose, pulled me closer to him, and we kept walking on...

darth came home kinda late from an officemate's party. he was swaying a little, sweating, reeking slightly of beer. he was tipsy, or maybe downright drunk, to say the following to me:

i told maya today that he should make a choice. he would not want to be in the same position i found myself in before. i told him i chose you because you fought for me. you knew what you wanted and you stayed with me. i appreciate that very much.

he went further on to say:

yes. some days i think about what if i ended up with her. then we wouldn't be together. i think about other women in the office. special, better women. and what if? then you and i wouldn't be together. everyone is susceptible (yes, in his tipsy or drunken state he was able to use this word. amazing! =D ) to it, i guess. but we are together. we are happy. you are my wife. my little miss. we only have one life. and i only have one wife.

he then turned to look me in the eyes and said, " i love you. "

then... he fell asleep.

the wedding

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