i would always put this question to him. i don't know why. maybe because i'm 50% obsessive-compulsive. maybe i'm insecure. maybe because i want to be sure. maybe i just need to know.
i was speaking with Uree the other day about this growing habit of mine and she told me that it's ok. apparently, she is into the same habit. she said that it's because feelings are not constant. pretty much like people. people change so emotions change along with them... she has a good point. but for whatever reason, i would find myself asking him this question from time to time:"bakit mo ko love?". it was like i was waiting for him to say something that i wanted to hear. i want to hear his reasons for loving me (as if i have my own!) but at the same time wanting him to say that he just does.
i know. stupid isn't it?
the last time i asked him this he hugged me tight, smiled, kissed the tip of my nose, looked straight into my eyes and said: "kasi pango ka..."
that was all i needed to hear...
"bakit mo ko love?"
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between my work, my boyfriend and my incurable headaches, i sadly admit i don't have much time for it. but all that's about to change.
now.
someday i'll know...
sometimes, i find myself thinking about nhell...
i wonder how he is doing in, if he has found himself a new flame, if he has finally evolved into a self-supporting, responsible young man... i wonder how things might have been if i didn't break my relations with him. would he have gone back to europe? would he have changed for the better? would i still have met DK?...
infinite possibilities. life is just so full of limitless could-have-beens and should-have-beens...
just a few days ago, i was driving myself insane trying to look up his contact information. i have changed my number and i was not able to inform him. i felt the need to know how he is and how he's doing.no. i'm not hanging on to him. i have lost any sort of romantic inclination to him. it's just that, i want to know how he is...
contrary to what i have been telling my family and friends, DK is not my first boyfriend. nhell was. but ours was such a brief relationship, just barely 3 months. i ended it because i was tired of his antics. i always knew that my relationship with him wouldn't last. he resides in sweden. he was on vacation here when i met him. i never saw the two of us growing old together. hell, i hardly saw any future for us as a couple. i broke up with him a couple of days after my 22nd birthday. i shed some tears, yes... but my heart was not that broken really. there was just this immense sadness at the thought that at some point we'll cross paths again and i'd se him exactly in the same conditon i left him. living an irresponsible, happy-go-lucky life.
he was still calling and texting me right before i changed my number. he said that he is studying some language. i told him before he went back to europe that i'd be hoping he becomes something, that he'll be able to stand on his own two feet because his mom won't be alive forever to support him. i really hope he would turn his life around...
it was all bittersweet. he would never admit it but i know that he loved me. he probably still does... or maybe i hold a special place in his heart... maybe on the same exact spot i hold him in mine...
walkin' in the sun...
the past week has been full of blessings and good fortune. i was awarded perfect attendance. (ehem.. ehem..) my manager almost wept with joy. it was truly a shining moment...
DK went with me to my gynecologist. repressed issues were brought to light, discussed, and resolved. our love is more stronger than ever before. (parang yung kay dao ming si at shan tsai... =D...) just last saturday, i went shopping with his parents and aunt... this is a sign... (pag-ibig talaga ito!!!)
bills are being paid. financial matters are stable. i have bought the phone that i've been crushin' on for months. naomi is on her way to recovery. nemo is doing okay in her pregnancy. my parents, nieces, nephews, sister and brother are all in good health...
"got rid of fears that were holding me, my endless possibilities has the whole world opened up for me.that’s why I’m feeling I’m feeling so good I knew I would been taking care of myself like I should cause not one thing can bring me down. nothing in this world gonna turn me around..."
i have never been religious and all... but Someone up there loves me... *wink*