so far away
your heart
from my heart.
right next to mine
yours is a hundred miles away.
i'm tired of running.
i'm tired of starting
but never reaching.
going after is getting boring.
i leave everything behind.
no longer blind.
i let go.
Rm 534 Bed4
my birthday passed without so much fanfare. on my end, that is. people were everywhere, buying candles and flowers, going to cemeteries to visit their dearly departed. some were chilling out in malls. others went out of town, making visiting their dead an excuse to go out of the city.
i spent my big day at the hospital, caring for my sick grandmother. as i turned another year older... eherm... "wiser"... i have never been aware of my own mortality. looking after my grandmother, sharing the room with other sick, elderly people, i realized no matter how much we cover up our age, the inevitable will catch up with us. change and death are the only certainty in life. no matter how we've lived our lives, or how long, or how happy... we are all bound to a certain end.
this thought lead to another until i have realized that my birthdays are becoming more and more blah as the years go by. i'll make sure to have some party or other next year... i'd like to have at least a few birthday bashes before it's too late for me to have them.
sabi nga nila... walang beer sa langit. ^_^
i spent my big day at the hospital, caring for my sick grandmother. as i turned another year older... eherm... "wiser"... i have never been aware of my own mortality. looking after my grandmother, sharing the room with other sick, elderly people, i realized no matter how much we cover up our age, the inevitable will catch up with us. change and death are the only certainty in life. no matter how we've lived our lives, or how long, or how happy... we are all bound to a certain end.
this thought lead to another until i have realized that my birthdays are becoming more and more blah as the years go by. i'll make sure to have some party or other next year... i'd like to have at least a few birthday bashes before it's too late for me to have them.
sabi nga nila... walang beer sa langit. ^_^
i threw away every letter and card i gave him the other day.
looking back, i can't find anything to explain my action. i just got up that night, went to the box where i kept those treasured mementos. i took time sorting them out, deciding which i would keep and which ones to throw. i placed the discarded declarations of undying love along with our photos together in a plastic bag. i went downstairs and left the bag outside the door. the garbage collector will take care of it in the morning.
i got back inside the house and locked the door. i felt like going back outside to get them, put them back where they used to kept. but i held my ground. they are no longer important to you. or to me.
every word written on those cards were written with all the love i had to give. to me they were meaningful promises that i have held up to all these years. but you are right, all beautiful things lose their significance over time.
as you have lost my significance. so have i lost yours.
looking back, i can't find anything to explain my action. i just got up that night, went to the box where i kept those treasured mementos. i took time sorting them out, deciding which i would keep and which ones to throw. i placed the discarded declarations of undying love along with our photos together in a plastic bag. i went downstairs and left the bag outside the door. the garbage collector will take care of it in the morning.
i got back inside the house and locked the door. i felt like going back outside to get them, put them back where they used to kept. but i held my ground. they are no longer important to you. or to me.
every word written on those cards were written with all the love i had to give. to me they were meaningful promises that i have held up to all these years. but you are right, all beautiful things lose their significance over time.
as you have lost my significance. so have i lost yours.
could someone answer these questions:
what comes after motherhood?
after raising a child to the best of one's ability, what comes next?
what happens to the mother once the child is out of the nest?
what now?
what then?
after raising a child to the best of one's ability, what comes next?
what happens to the mother once the child is out of the nest?
what now?
what then?
i have realized the other day that everyone, my closest friends included, would always think of me as both a fool and a joke, by taking him back.
no one will let me forget that "tragic incident" that befell on me some... what?... 2 or 3 years ago.
it's something i have to accept.
everyday, i have to live with that memory. everyday, i would be reminded of that. the sooner i accept all the better for everyone i guess...
and now, i will just have to watch and pretend... let everyone think i am busy, happy, content. i will sigh, glance across the room and see my daughter playing and giggling to herself.
i will do anything for my daughter. times are tough. but i will brave it and put a smile on my face just to see her smile back at me.
no one will let me forget that "tragic incident" that befell on me some... what?... 2 or 3 years ago.
it's something i have to accept.
everyday, i have to live with that memory. everyday, i would be reminded of that. the sooner i accept all the better for everyone i guess...
and now, i will just have to watch and pretend... let everyone think i am busy, happy, content. i will sigh, glance across the room and see my daughter playing and giggling to herself.
i will do anything for my daughter. times are tough. but i will brave it and put a smile on my face just to see her smile back at me.
-- Someday --
by: nina
Someday you're gonna realize
One day you'll see this through my eyes
By then i won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if i can't
I know...
You don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well i've got news for you
I know i'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long
Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday
But now
I know you can tell
I'm down,and i'm not doin'well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye
Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday ...
Someday you're gonna realize
One day you'll see this through my eyes
By then i won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if i can't
I know...
You don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well i've got news for you
I know i'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long
Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday
But now
I know you can tell
I'm down,and i'm not doin'well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye
Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, i wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day i'll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday, someday ...
whenever i look at myself in the mirror, i get depressed. i am overweight. my face is all dark and pimply. my stretch marks are just hideous. they're all over my stomach, running down to my thighs.
but i look at my child...
and see how beautiful she is...
everything is back to being all right. my stretchmarks would fade, i would lose my pregnancy weight. i just need to be patient. but if they don't then it's ok. there's always cosmetic surgery. haha!
i have a beautiful child. and that's all that matters for now.
but i look at my child...
and see how beautiful she is...
everything is back to being all right. my stretchmarks would fade, i would lose my pregnancy weight. i just need to be patient. but if they don't then it's ok. there's always cosmetic surgery. haha!
i have a beautiful child. and that's all that matters for now.
presenting: our Baby Girl!
the 3D4D ulstrasound was not that expensive, still it threw us off by a thousand or two. but darth and i could hardly care. it's our first year anniversary and it's our baby... it was just the most precious thing seeing her (yes, our baby is 99% girl based on the ultrasound!) moving. i've been feeling her move around since i'm on my 7th month now but it's just amazing to actually see her inside my tummy, sucking her thumb, lifting her arms and kicking her legs...
when i first found out i was pregnant i could hardly believe it. i've always wanted to have a baby but for some reason, i just can't get pregnant. my OB told me i may have difficulty conceiving and may need to take some pills for it... and now all of a sudden, i AM pregnant. it was like your wish coming true but you can't trust yourself to believe it because you can't trust it to be true.
well, now i'm a believer... i can't wait to have her in my arms ...
nothing
he said it is all about nothingness. he won't explain. you'll just have to read on and find out for yourself the thoughts entangled within each line.
could someone then explain to me what he means by this:
this sounds stupid but i hope he's talking about his mother. i'm sure he's not talking about me. cripes. if he thinks about me day and night, why doesn't he send me messages more often? if everyday is always a lonely day without me, then why is he always going to here and there on his days off? if he's always here for me, then why does he complain when i ask for a glass of water or for him to buy me food? so it's definitely not me. i think it's from a song, but why put this specific song in your blog? is it because it is nothing?
see... this is the thing with having a blog. you share your thoughts with the rest of the world. you cannot simply label your thoughts as "nothing" because to some people they are not. people who know you will be able to read it will think... wtf is this? who is he thinking of everday? is it her? is it his friend abroad? or, horror of horrors, is it someone else? again??
a couple of weeks ago a dear friend of mine asked me if he was ok. i said yeah he's ok. we're ok. then my friend asked what his shoutout in friendster was all about: "everyday is a struggle, with you at the center of it". i have no freaking idea. when i look at what he writes and listens to, it's like he's always in pain. i never thought that he was so fucking angst-ridden. i asked him about it and he said he writes what he wants to write about and he doesn't care what people think. yeah right. i suppose he wouldn't mind if i start carrying on with some stud and people start calling him a cuckold. he doesn't care what people think right?
he won't explain and i certainly won't ask. if i ask him he'll just say it's nothing and i'll probably just upset myself and my baby. if he answers it's me, i'll know he's lying and i'll just be upset which in turn will upset my baby. if he says it's some bitch from whereever, then i'll be upset and so will my baby.
so, go on ahead and write about all the nothingness you can think of. oh... why don't you try this one on for size: if you're so fucking unhappy why don't you just leave?
and please, don't throw the question back at me. i may have put most of my unhappy thoughts into writing, but i have also shared my happiness.
in case you stumble upon this and wonder if i am upset or not, wonder not. this is nothing.
could someone then explain to me what he means by this:
Thoughts of you
Thinking about you day and night, well if you feel the same way to, just remember that I'm here
for you. Everyday I've always loved you, everyday I'm always thinking of
you, everyday another lonely day with you.....
April 13, 2007
this sounds stupid but i hope he's talking about his mother. i'm sure he's not talking about me. cripes. if he thinks about me day and night, why doesn't he send me messages more often? if everyday is always a lonely day without me, then why is he always going to here and there on his days off? if he's always here for me, then why does he complain when i ask for a glass of water or for him to buy me food? so it's definitely not me. i think it's from a song, but why put this specific song in your blog? is it because it is nothing?
see... this is the thing with having a blog. you share your thoughts with the rest of the world. you cannot simply label your thoughts as "nothing" because to some people they are not. people who know you will be able to read it will think... wtf is this? who is he thinking of everday? is it her? is it his friend abroad? or, horror of horrors, is it someone else? again??
a couple of weeks ago a dear friend of mine asked me if he was ok. i said yeah he's ok. we're ok. then my friend asked what his shoutout in friendster was all about: "everyday is a struggle, with you at the center of it". i have no freaking idea. when i look at what he writes and listens to, it's like he's always in pain. i never thought that he was so fucking angst-ridden. i asked him about it and he said he writes what he wants to write about and he doesn't care what people think. yeah right. i suppose he wouldn't mind if i start carrying on with some stud and people start calling him a cuckold. he doesn't care what people think right?
he won't explain and i certainly won't ask. if i ask him he'll just say it's nothing and i'll probably just upset myself and my baby. if he answers it's me, i'll know he's lying and i'll just be upset which in turn will upset my baby. if he says it's some bitch from whereever, then i'll be upset and so will my baby.
so, go on ahead and write about all the nothingness you can think of. oh... why don't you try this one on for size: if you're so fucking unhappy why don't you just leave?
and please, don't throw the question back at me. i may have put most of my unhappy thoughts into writing, but i have also shared my happiness.
in case you stumble upon this and wonder if i am upset or not, wonder not. this is nothing.
i came across this comment while surfing for asian films. it was a comment made on a korean film about people and relationships online:
not for me. meeting him was only the beginning... *wink*
" its so true abt all this online relationships. normally after the
meeting, the 'chatters' tends to distance away from each other. =( "
not for me. meeting him was only the beginning... *wink*
fears
i am sometimes afraid for myself and for my baby. i am alone in the house most of the time... what if i slip while going downstairs? what if i started bleeding? what if someone comes and attacks me in the middle of the night?
i feel so alone.
funny, i speak with hundreds of people everyday in the course of my work and yet... i find myself alone. always alone.
i was right when i told me mother i can't stop working. i really can't. i can't afford to. because no one is going to take care of me. and now i am going to have a baby, i am even more afraid. some days, when working long hours... i want to quit. i want to rest for my little one's sake... maybe grab a bite to eat because for the nth time i missed lunch again and my stomach is grumbling. but i can't. too much is at stake. if i stop working i won't have money when my baby comes. then who will take care of us?
i lie down at night thinking if he'll be a good father. and then i get scared. he is unable to deal with the pressure and take care of a pregnant wife. what more a helpless infant? he puts up with me everyday and i can see him burdened by it. so sad. because you cannot merely "put up" with a child, the way you "put up" with me. children need to be cherished and nurtured.
i am afraid, as shown by how you are as a husband, you don't know how.
i feel so alone.
funny, i speak with hundreds of people everyday in the course of my work and yet... i find myself alone. always alone.
i was right when i told me mother i can't stop working. i really can't. i can't afford to. because no one is going to take care of me. and now i am going to have a baby, i am even more afraid. some days, when working long hours... i want to quit. i want to rest for my little one's sake... maybe grab a bite to eat because for the nth time i missed lunch again and my stomach is grumbling. but i can't. too much is at stake. if i stop working i won't have money when my baby comes. then who will take care of us?
i lie down at night thinking if he'll be a good father. and then i get scared. he is unable to deal with the pressure and take care of a pregnant wife. what more a helpless infant? he puts up with me everyday and i can see him burdened by it. so sad. because you cannot merely "put up" with a child, the way you "put up" with me. children need to be cherished and nurtured.
i am afraid, as shown by how you are as a husband, you don't know how.
not my cup of tea
i have always liked "tea and sympathy" by jars of clay. it reminds me of commitment: "don't trade us for tea and sympathy." it's not safe to trust someone completely just because they are there when the one you rely on is not. or to mistake soothing words and strong shoulders for love.
i think he likes it for a different reason altogether. he traded his old love for tea and sympathy... once. he risked it only to have his new love traded for the same thing... and now he thinks about her and how it could have been... if she had stayed, if she had been strong enough... if she had not given up and traded him for something or someone else. then maybe, he wouldn't be stuck with his old love now... nothing but second-best... ah! how painful it must be for you. the hurt must be greater than mine... you probably still bleed over old wounds...
that's how karma works.
i think he likes it for a different reason altogether. he traded his old love for tea and sympathy... once. he risked it only to have his new love traded for the same thing... and now he thinks about her and how it could have been... if she had stayed, if she had been strong enough... if she had not given up and traded him for something or someone else. then maybe, he wouldn't be stuck with his old love now... nothing but second-best... ah! how painful it must be for you. the hurt must be greater than mine... you probably still bleed over old wounds...
that's how karma works.
i've always believed in miracles. not full-blown, there-is-a-god kind of a miracle. but little, everyday ones. those that make you smile and think that, despite all the evil lurking, there is still something worth living for... something good to look forward to everyday...
and i have have a little miracle growing inside me... could you believe it?...
i can't wait for september to come... =)
and i have have a little miracle growing inside me... could you believe it?...
i can't wait for september to come... =)
why?
he asked thru SMS : " why did you marry a piece of crap like me then? why did you marry a piece of crap? "
i was crying while i replied: "because i love you."
i was crying while i replied: "because i love you."
boo bear
this is the little girl i had to eat kiamoy for. the reason i was hit in the head with a big desk calendar. the little girl i pushed around in her pink barbie bike. she made me dance to High 5. made me fall in love with the backyardigans. she made me sing with barney.
we took those quiet walks in the early mornings... we played all those afternoons... and she made me forget my heart was broken.
i took to reading books about dra. margarita holmes a few months back, right after darth and i got married. we were staying at his aunt's place at that time where there was dsl connection which i needed for my wfh job. there were all of these books about religion, architecture (his aunt is an architect), hobbies, crafts... and golly, dra. holmes' books about sex and health. wow!
so i read them all and i just love her matter-of-fact writing. she explains all the technicalites with just enough humour and wit. it's entertaining, educational and funny all at the same time. below is my favorite of all her pieces of advice. it's for a young man named mark who broke up with his beloved girlfriend of three years. the girl dumped him for another man and he thought it was bad karma for him. this is part of what dra.holmes had to say:
ahhh... no wonder i've done what i did last year...
so i read them all and i just love her matter-of-fact writing. she explains all the technicalites with just enough humour and wit. it's entertaining, educational and funny all at the same time. below is my favorite of all her pieces of advice. it's for a young man named mark who broke up with his beloved girlfriend of three years. the girl dumped him for another man and he thought it was bad karma for him. this is part of what dra.holmes had to say:
think about what you had and ask yourself if it wasn't worth it. you had a good three years in which it seemed you were in heaven. you had terrific sex, not because of technical proficiency or some sophisticated gadgetry you picked up in europe or somewhere, but because the two of you really connected, heart to heart and soul to soul.
you had three wonderful years with her. that is three years more than most people have in their entire lives.
dr.ethel person, a psychologist-psychiatrist, wrote one of the truest things about romantic love in her book Dreams of Love and Other Fateful Encounters. She said that love transforms us. it makes us better, braver people, able to transcend petty concerns, able to stand up to situations we would ordinarily just let pass. this and not how long it lasts or whether it ends up in marriage is the essence of romantic love. this is what makes it so valuable. and when we're particularly blessed, as you seem to be (i shall tell you why later on), the transformation lasts way after the love has gone.
what was karmic were the three years that were so good, not the time after that was so bad. and these years were because, sometime in your life you "must've done something good."
the british author jeanette winterson says it in another way: " however it is debased or misinterpreted, love is a redemptive feature. to focus on one individual so that their desires become superior to yours is a very cleansing experience." (London Times, London,1992).
"do you want me to tell you something really subversive?" erica jong asks in her book how to save your own life(1997). "love is everything it's cracked up to be. that's why people are so cynical about it... it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for."
and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. how true mark. how very true. but you didn't, you see. you didn't hold back and play it safe. you took the risk, dared to plunge, and went right into the fracas. and now you are suffering a bit from the aftermath. like your friends, i too, wish you didn't have to.
but think about it a minute. if that is the price you had to pay for those three years, wouldn't you do it all over again? wasn't it worth it all?
ahhh... no wonder i've done what i did last year...
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