" and i'd do anything for you..."
your wish is my command. kaya heto ako. nakaubos na ng isang kahang yosi. nagpalipas ng gabi kasama si pims sa pansamantala kong tirahan.
marami kaming napag-usapan bukod sa iyo. naisip ko lahat ng kantang pwede kong ide-dicate sa yo. madami-dami din pala. naisip ko din kung ano ang pinakamagandang solusyon sa sitwasyon.
ano nga ba?...
alam ko na ang sagot. at alam kong hinihintay mo na lang na sabihin ko sa'yo. nararamdaman ko na buo na sa isip mo ang isang plano. palagay ko eh nakapagdesisyon ka na pero hindi mo masabi sa kin. i know you to be too much of a good man to say it to me. so what you're doing is slowly extricating yourself from me.
i am ever the contradictory person. i keep telling you that i will let you go because of my great love for you but here i am, unable to. pakiramdam ko pag pinalaya kita sa commitment mo sa kin, diretso ka na sa kanya. forever and ever till death do you part na kayo. pa'no naman ako?... pero ano pa nga ba ang mangyayari?...
wag ka mag-alala. i was little ms.independent once, i could regain that title. i will try to extricate myself from you no matter how painful. i will let you go because i cannot bear to see the man i love racked with guilt, frustration, and fear. i love you too much to just stand here and see you suffer.
kung sa pagbalik ko sa bahay nyo ay wala ka pa ring desisyon, ako na ang gagawa para sa 'ting tatlo.
may Bathala be with us.
me and K.
andito na sya. si K. she's sitting right in front of me. she is not the woman i thought or pictured to be. i thought she was different.
but she's just like me.
we share the same views. talk almost the same way. we have the same principles, the same moral values. she's fairer than i am, but still morena. her eyes are neither small nor big. they're just right.like mine. but her eyelashes are longer than mine. her lips thinner but just as wide as mine. her nose is a bit taller than mine. yah... she's pretty. prettier than i am.
we got to talk about things and the more we talked the more i felt like i was speaking with myself. we went down to smoke and we have the same habits. i happened to glance at her cheek, her right cheek. lo and behold! she also has a beauty mark somewhere along her right jaw line. well, well... don't i have a beauty mark on the same spot as well?
i could see why you are falling for her. she is just like me and you are falling for her the same way you fell for me. napakadali nyang mahalin. katulad ko di ba?
mahal kita at lahat ng mahal mo minahal ko. at pati si K. mamahalin ko rin. actually, we're friends now.
fate plays mortals for fools. naloloko na ata tayong 3. boyfriend kita at si K., kaibigan ko na.
the plot thickens.
but she's just like me.
we share the same views. talk almost the same way. we have the same principles, the same moral values. she's fairer than i am, but still morena. her eyes are neither small nor big. they're just right.like mine. but her eyelashes are longer than mine. her lips thinner but just as wide as mine. her nose is a bit taller than mine. yah... she's pretty. prettier than i am.
we got to talk about things and the more we talked the more i felt like i was speaking with myself. we went down to smoke and we have the same habits. i happened to glance at her cheek, her right cheek. lo and behold! she also has a beauty mark somewhere along her right jaw line. well, well... don't i have a beauty mark on the same spot as well?
i could see why you are falling for her. she is just like me and you are falling for her the same way you fell for me. napakadali nyang mahalin. katulad ko di ba?
mahal kita at lahat ng mahal mo minahal ko. at pati si K. mamahalin ko rin. actually, we're friends now.
fate plays mortals for fools. naloloko na ata tayong 3. boyfriend kita at si K., kaibigan ko na.
the plot thickens.
i'm about to meet her, the woman you are currently in-love with me. my heart is beating fast. i want to smoke but it's not allowed here in mcdo. does her heart beat fast too? is she also looking toward this meeting with trepidation?
what am i going to say to her? am i going to ask her to stay away from you? maybe. i know that's bad and selfish. but i can't afford to lose you to her.
ah! the pain! it just won't go away. it's right in the center of my heart. it sits ever so comfortably. it moves from time to time and i find myself wincing, eventually crying.
all these confusion and pain. all for you.
what am i going to say to her? am i going to ask her to stay away from you? maybe. i know that's bad and selfish. but i can't afford to lose you to her.
ah! the pain! it just won't go away. it's right in the center of my heart. it sits ever so comfortably. it moves from time to time and i find myself wincing, eventually crying.
all these confusion and pain. all for you.
ayoko na umiyak. promise! kasi alam ko nasasaktan ka pag umiiyak ako. nakakapagod na rin. luluwa na ang mga mata ko. lalo lang akong papangit.
tama na!!!
mahal kita. kahit baliktarin, alugin, basagin ang ulo ko... hindi na magbabago yon. mahal kita.
kaya tuloy hindi ko malaman ang gagawain ko na rin.
ano ba talaga?! mahal mo ba ako o siya?!!
hay naku... di bale na. baka patay na ko pag nalaman ko ang sagot.
mahal mo ko at mahal mo sya. fine! hindi kita maiwan eh. i love you too much to give you up.
they say love is a sacrifice. and so i will commit suicide. ay mali!!! sacrifice. i will commit the sacrifice.
ikaw na at ako. andito na ako sa tabi. at di na ko aalis.
tama na!!!
mahal kita. kahit baliktarin, alugin, basagin ang ulo ko... hindi na magbabago yon. mahal kita.
kaya tuloy hindi ko malaman ang gagawain ko na rin.
ano ba talaga?! mahal mo ba ako o siya?!!
hay naku... di bale na. baka patay na ko pag nalaman ko ang sagot.
mahal mo ko at mahal mo sya. fine! hindi kita maiwan eh. i love you too much to give you up.
they say love is a sacrifice. and so i will commit suicide. ay mali!!! sacrifice. i will commit the sacrifice.
ikaw na at ako. andito na ako sa tabi. at di na ko aalis.
bumuhos ang malakas na ulan kanina. hudyat na patapos na ang tag-araw. halos walang pagtila ang ulan. tulad ng mga luhang namamalisbis sa mga mata ko...
tama nga ang hinala ko. nahuhulog na ang loob mo sa kanya. paano nangyari 'to? akala ko ba ako lang ang mahal mo?... hindi mo alam kung bakit o paano, ni hindi mo alam kung ano ang plano mo...
sabi nga ni Yoda sa Star Wars, " Your fear, I sense. " alam kong nalilito ka at hindi mo malaman ang gagawin mo. guto kitang tulungan pero paano? sasabihin ko bang sumama ka sa kanya at magpakasaya? o pipigilan ba kita at sasabihin kong dito ka lang sa piling ko?...
hindi ko kailanman didiktahan ang puso mo. ikaw ang makakapagpasya kung saan ka mas liligaya. kung mas magiging masaya ka sa kanya... sige lang. 'wag mong alalahanin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko... tulad ng sinabi sa isang kanta:" ang pag-ibig kong handang ibigay kahit pa ang kalayaan mo. "
ano ang plano ko? simple. humanap ng bagong trabaho... at mahalin ka ng higit pa... yun lang naman ang alam ko e... magtrabaho at mahalin ka...
kaya itigil mo na ang pag-iisip... kalamayin mo ang iyong loob.anuman ang mangyari... hindi kita iiwan.
siempre te amare, keith. siempre...
tama nga ang hinala ko. nahuhulog na ang loob mo sa kanya. paano nangyari 'to? akala ko ba ako lang ang mahal mo?... hindi mo alam kung bakit o paano, ni hindi mo alam kung ano ang plano mo...
sabi nga ni Yoda sa Star Wars, " Your fear, I sense. " alam kong nalilito ka at hindi mo malaman ang gagawin mo. guto kitang tulungan pero paano? sasabihin ko bang sumama ka sa kanya at magpakasaya? o pipigilan ba kita at sasabihin kong dito ka lang sa piling ko?...
hindi ko kailanman didiktahan ang puso mo. ikaw ang makakapagpasya kung saan ka mas liligaya. kung mas magiging masaya ka sa kanya... sige lang. 'wag mong alalahanin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko... tulad ng sinabi sa isang kanta:" ang pag-ibig kong handang ibigay kahit pa ang kalayaan mo. "
ano ang plano ko? simple. humanap ng bagong trabaho... at mahalin ka ng higit pa... yun lang naman ang alam ko e... magtrabaho at mahalin ka...
kaya itigil mo na ang pag-iisip... kalamayin mo ang iyong loob.anuman ang mangyari... hindi kita iiwan.
siempre te amare, keith. siempre...
sa loob ng 3 taon ko sa macro, bawat party na dinaluhan ko, ikaw ang kasama ko. pero iba na ngayon... kasama mo sila... kasama ko iba...
pagpasok ni meme, nakita na niya ako. ang bungad niya ay hindi "hello". "nasan'n si keith?"
isang matamis-mapait na ngiti ang sagot ko. "ikaw talaga meme", sabi ko."andito naman ako, bakit sya pa ang hanap mo?"
unti-unting nagsidating silang lahat. nakakatawa. ikaw ang hanap nila.
paano ko ipaliliwanag na nagbago na ang lahat? paano ko sasabihin, nang walang bahid ng hinanakit, na mas pinili mo sila kaysa sa 'kin? paano ko ipaliliwanag na inurong mo ang araw ng kasal?
ngiti lang ang sagot ko sa lahat ng tanong nila. isang hithit sa hawak kong yosi. isang buga ng usok sabay lagok ng vodka ice...
pagpasok ni meme, nakita na niya ako. ang bungad niya ay hindi "hello". "nasan'n si keith?"
isang matamis-mapait na ngiti ang sagot ko. "ikaw talaga meme", sabi ko."andito naman ako, bakit sya pa ang hanap mo?"
unti-unting nagsidating silang lahat. nakakatawa. ikaw ang hanap nila.
paano ko ipaliliwanag na nagbago na ang lahat? paano ko sasabihin, nang walang bahid ng hinanakit, na mas pinili mo sila kaysa sa 'kin? paano ko ipaliliwanag na inurong mo ang araw ng kasal?
ngiti lang ang sagot ko sa lahat ng tanong nila. isang hithit sa hawak kong yosi. isang buga ng usok sabay lagok ng vodka ice...
in ada's arms
i had the pleasure of holding ada in my arms last night at chin's party. she was heavy, 30 pounds. but i welcomed her weight. i gloried on carrying her around/ she didn't seem to mind and looked as if she liked me. that made my heart swell with happiness.
i eventually had to put her down. we had to leave. i kissed her goodbye and almost cried.
i felt like i was kissing a child i will never have.
i eventually had to put her down. we had to leave. i kissed her goodbye and almost cried.
i felt like i was kissing a child i will never have.
"Mahal... Sa'n ka natulog kagabi?"
kagabi nalaman ko
ang oras bumabagal din pala
lalo na pag hinihintay kita.
kagabi napatunayan ko
mahal talaga kita
ala-una, alas dos
baka kung napano ka na.
kagabi naisip ko
mayron ka na kayang iba?
alas-tres kanina, alas-kuwatro na
kasama mo kaya kung sinuman siya?
kagabi napagtanto ko
nakakapuyat, nakakapagod mahalin ka
alas-singko kanina, alas-sais na pala
pero wala ka pa.
alas-siete na nang umaga ng dumating ka.
ipagpapasalamat ko pa ba?
naitanong ko sa sarili ko...
hanggang kailan kita mamahalin?
hindi ko alam ang sagot.
ang alam ko lang ay ang natuklasan ko
habang hinihintay kita kagabi
ang oras bumabagal palang talaga
habang minamahal kita.
ang oras bumabagal din pala
lalo na pag hinihintay kita.
kagabi napatunayan ko
mahal talaga kita
ala-una, alas dos
baka kung napano ka na.
kagabi naisip ko
mayron ka na kayang iba?
alas-tres kanina, alas-kuwatro na
kasama mo kaya kung sinuman siya?
kagabi napagtanto ko
nakakapuyat, nakakapagod mahalin ka
alas-singko kanina, alas-sais na pala
pero wala ka pa.
alas-siete na nang umaga ng dumating ka.
ipagpapasalamat ko pa ba?
naitanong ko sa sarili ko...
hanggang kailan kita mamahalin?
hindi ko alam ang sagot.
ang alam ko lang ay ang natuklasan ko
habang hinihintay kita kagabi
ang oras bumabagal palang talaga
habang minamahal kita.
the mandatory goodbye letter
pims has already posted her mandatory goodbye letter. i am still to post mine. if i ever will be posting one that is...
i don't really plan to. if i had it my way ( and if some entities in my previous company have let me) i would have left as quietly as possible. like i did the last time when i left the first call center i worked for. nobody knew i was leaving or that i have handed in my resignation. that was what i wanted this time around. but sadly, they pinched and poked me till i screamed "bloody fucking hell!!!"
it's all water under the bridge now. master lee says i should let it all go. yah... i will... i'll smile and let it go when they are
six feet under. as for the mandatory goodbye letter for my beloved teammates... none will be forthcoming. there will be no goodbye letter. there will be no goodbyes... i'll just be seeing you around...
i don't really plan to. if i had it my way ( and if some entities in my previous company have let me) i would have left as quietly as possible. like i did the last time when i left the first call center i worked for. nobody knew i was leaving or that i have handed in my resignation. that was what i wanted this time around. but sadly, they pinched and poked me till i screamed "bloody fucking hell!!!"
it's all water under the bridge now. master lee says i should let it all go. yah... i will... i'll smile and let it go when they are
six feet under. as for the mandatory goodbye letter for my beloved teammates... none will be forthcoming. there will be no goodbye letter. there will be no goodbyes... i'll just be seeing you around...
still...perfecting bumming
still working on my clearance. just a few more visits and i'll be done. thankfully!
still no work for me. there was one offer for a higher position but i vetoed it. the compensation offered sucked. *sigh* i wonder when i'll be able to work again? keith thinks i'm being a little too fickle and choosy but i don't think so. or maybe i am but i don't want to admit it. it's difficult, i'll say that much. it's difficult to leave a job where you're level one but paid as high as a level two. it's a lot more difficult to land a job that would pay you as high as your previous company and be level two.
still feel that i am better off leaving my security blanket though. it made me think of what i want to be years from now; made me want to think outside of what i have been used to. leaving my job made me dream again. now, i am able to think of what else i could do, what i want to do. i am now able to pursue my study of another language. next year, i might be able to buy that little piece of land and take up my masters.
still lacking in funds at the moment. i am close to using up what little money i have saved. trouble is brewing up in my parent's house in bacolod. my sister and her family might move back to our house in makati. jeesh. just what i need.
still staying in keith's place with his family. i don't have any choice and besides, i don't think his parents would want me to leave anymore.
still a bum and i'm fighting that feeling of hopelessness. i'm fighting the depression, that feeling of being good at nothing, that feeling of being nothing. still fighting the negativity...
good things come to those who wait.
still no work for me. there was one offer for a higher position but i vetoed it. the compensation offered sucked. *sigh* i wonder when i'll be able to work again? keith thinks i'm being a little too fickle and choosy but i don't think so. or maybe i am but i don't want to admit it. it's difficult, i'll say that much. it's difficult to leave a job where you're level one but paid as high as a level two. it's a lot more difficult to land a job that would pay you as high as your previous company and be level two.
still feel that i am better off leaving my security blanket though. it made me think of what i want to be years from now; made me want to think outside of what i have been used to. leaving my job made me dream again. now, i am able to think of what else i could do, what i want to do. i am now able to pursue my study of another language. next year, i might be able to buy that little piece of land and take up my masters.
still lacking in funds at the moment. i am close to using up what little money i have saved. trouble is brewing up in my parent's house in bacolod. my sister and her family might move back to our house in makati. jeesh. just what i need.
still staying in keith's place with his family. i don't have any choice and besides, i don't think his parents would want me to leave anymore.
still a bum and i'm fighting that feeling of hopelessness. i'm fighting the depression, that feeling of being good at nothing, that feeling of being nothing. still fighting the negativity...
good things come to those who wait.
"smile and let it go"
i am no longer working for sykes under the macromedia team for a week now. i am currently working on my clearance.
i am able to breathe a little easier now. just a few more hurdles and i'll finally be cleared from my previous company. i'll have a whole new slate to write my life on. finally.
and maybe, with time... i'll be able to just
i am able to breathe a little easier now. just a few more hurdles and i'll finally be cleared from my previous company. i'll have a whole new slate to write my life on. finally.
and maybe, with time... i'll be able to just
i am on my second week of "terminal leave". at the end of the business day of april 2, i would no longer be connected with sykes and with macromedia.
i would like to regret ever filing my resignation and deciding to leave. but i have never been one to regret anything i have done. i only regret things i have not done, things i have let pass. i know deep down that i have delayed my departure for as long as i could. i feel like a guest that have overstayed my welcome. i am glad that i am moving on... to better things? maybe... but then again, anything is better than working with... eheehhehe... no. this is not the time nor the place to write anything remorseful. besides, i would rather tell them that in person, if i ever do get the chance.
i am somewhat sad because i am leaving the people i have come to call my friends. i am leaving a group where i belong and where i am admired. i am leaving my security blanket...
i spoke with a newbie a day or two before i went on leave. he came from the company i used to work in. he said that all my batchmates in training then are now supervisors and team lead. wow... and here i am. still a level one agent. and i know that if i stay here, in my comfort zone, i will always be level one agent.
*sigh* i guess i am better off in other places. moving on, just moving on...
i would like to regret ever filing my resignation and deciding to leave. but i have never been one to regret anything i have done. i only regret things i have not done, things i have let pass. i know deep down that i have delayed my departure for as long as i could. i feel like a guest that have overstayed my welcome. i am glad that i am moving on... to better things? maybe... but then again, anything is better than working with... eheehhehe... no. this is not the time nor the place to write anything remorseful. besides, i would rather tell them that in person, if i ever do get the chance.
i am somewhat sad because i am leaving the people i have come to call my friends. i am leaving a group where i belong and where i am admired. i am leaving my security blanket...
i spoke with a newbie a day or two before i went on leave. he came from the company i used to work in. he said that all my batchmates in training then are now supervisors and team lead. wow... and here i am. still a level one agent. and i know that if i stay here, in my comfort zone, i will always be level one agent.
*sigh* i guess i am better off in other places. moving on, just moving on...
when push comes to shove
i was served with another show-cause memo today. this time, it was for being in "idle-none" for 6 freaking minutes and having the gall to tell my team lead that i fell asleep. well... it was either lie to her or just come right out and say it... so i told her i fell asleep. kasi may integridad ako...ampotang integridad yan! nagsiwalat ako ng sama ko ng loob sa kaibigan ko, wala akong integridad. nagsabi ako ng totoo sa team lead ko... mali pa rin ako.
i give up.
aside from the memo, she told me that in order for her to provide me with timely feedback, she would place me under PIP (Performance Improvement Plan). WTF?! and the things i need to improve on? Every-freaking-thing. From attendance to workflows to break skeds. Bakit kaya hindi na lang nila ako i-terminate? Eh Needs Improvement pala ako in all aspects of my work. ampotah!
i quit.
ayan na... aalis na ko. pinilit mo ako eh.
i give up.
aside from the memo, she told me that in order for her to provide me with timely feedback, she would place me under PIP (Performance Improvement Plan). WTF?! and the things i need to improve on? Every-freaking-thing. From attendance to workflows to break skeds. Bakit kaya hindi na lang nila ako i-terminate? Eh Needs Improvement pala ako in all aspects of my work. ampotah!
i quit.
ayan na... aalis na ko. pinilit mo ako eh.
the waiting game
i was interviewed last week for the Quality Assurance Coordinator position i applied to about two... maybe three months ago. it was the final interview and it took a long time for it to come by. and now... i wait...and wait... will i be part of the QA team now along with pims? i wait... but i am not holding my breath. i trusted people too much in this office... gave some people a lot more credit than they deserve. i rarely make the same mistake twice... and so i wait. breathe in, breath out.
i will wait till march 15. if i get it with pims, then good. if i don't... i'll go.
meanwhile i will wallow in depression over my fat, ugly body (entirely my own opinion, keith still thinks i'm a sexy bitch... heehhehehe), my imprudence, and the bland wedding that keith and i will have on july. *sigh*. i don't like to look at bridal magazines these days. i have found out this morning, as i passed by a magazine store on my way to work, that bridal magazines could be hazardous to my health. i glanced at them and winced as i felt this little pinch in my heart.
i have made my bed and i will lie in it. but somehow, i can't help but sigh as i lay myself on that bed. it would take a couple of twisting and turning till i find a comfortable position.
i will wait till march 15. if i get it with pims, then good. if i don't... i'll go.
meanwhile i will wallow in depression over my fat, ugly body (entirely my own opinion, keith still thinks i'm a sexy bitch... heehhehehe), my imprudence, and the bland wedding that keith and i will have on july. *sigh*. i don't like to look at bridal magazines these days. i have found out this morning, as i passed by a magazine store on my way to work, that bridal magazines could be hazardous to my health. i glanced at them and winced as i felt this little pinch in my heart.
i have made my bed and i will lie in it. but somehow, i can't help but sigh as i lay myself on that bed. it would take a couple of twisting and turning till i find a comfortable position.
Para kay... At para kay...
The Reason
-Hoobastank-
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you...
I'm NOT sorry that I hurt you
It's something I
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that
That's why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You...
and the reason is you...
and the reason is you...
and the reason is you...
I'm not a perfect person
I
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you...
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you...
I've found a reason to leave... and the reason is you...
i find myself surfing jobstreet.com more and more often these days. once in a while, i would find myself clicking on the apply button... no, these are not random trancelike acts... i am in the prowl not only for a new blogskin or layout, i am also on the lookout for a better job.
my manager, then my supervisor, informed me during one of our few verbal battles thru email that i should challenge myself and set higher standards for myself. well honey, guess what. i'm upping my standards all right. you as a superior and this company you have turned into hell-on- earth does not meet my elite criteria. so as soon as i have my hard-earned money, i'll be packing my bags and going.
my team leader, who i used to hold in such high esteem, served me with a memo last month, january. she served the memo as soon as i got back on the night shift. the tardiness i have incurred that warranted such a memo occurred between october 19 to november 19 of last year. the memo asked me to explain why i was tardy during those dates. i wrote back saying that i was demotivated and demoralized over the september promotions. i said, in not so many words, that i have lost the drive to work for this company.
she served me with a 2-day suspension a few days after i replied to her "show cause" memo. she said that my being demotivated and demoralized is not reason enough for me not to deliver what is expected of me at work. she said it in the same breath that informed me our account's management treats its employees as people... something is wrong with her statements. something is terribly wrong...
i know i have misgivings. i know i am not perfect. but i own up to my mistakes. management does not owe me any sked adjust. it owes me a lot more. it owes me its salary. it owes me its existence. i don't believe my account's management ever read Utopia. sad. they should most especially now that they have lost about 10 people in the span of a month.
and they are standing to lose more...
my manager, then my supervisor, informed me during one of our few verbal battles thru email that i should challenge myself and set higher standards for myself. well honey, guess what. i'm upping my standards all right. you as a superior and this company you have turned into hell-on- earth does not meet my elite criteria. so as soon as i have my hard-earned money, i'll be packing my bags and going.
my team leader, who i used to hold in such high esteem, served me with a memo last month, january. she served the memo as soon as i got back on the night shift. the tardiness i have incurred that warranted such a memo occurred between october 19 to november 19 of last year. the memo asked me to explain why i was tardy during those dates. i wrote back saying that i was demotivated and demoralized over the september promotions. i said, in not so many words, that i have lost the drive to work for this company.
she served me with a 2-day suspension a few days after i replied to her "show cause" memo. she said that my being demotivated and demoralized is not reason enough for me not to deliver what is expected of me at work. she said it in the same breath that informed me our account's management treats its employees as people... something is wrong with her statements. something is terribly wrong...
i know i have misgivings. i know i am not perfect. but i own up to my mistakes. management does not owe me any sked adjust. it owes me a lot more. it owes me its salary. it owes me its existence. i don't believe my account's management ever read Utopia. sad. they should most especially now that they have lost about 10 people in the span of a month.
and they are standing to lose more...
yes... the princess is back. it's been a long time since i last wrote down my thoughts. happy hearts' day is just around the block. no doubt my heart will remain happy. it'll be a little broken and cut in some areas but keith and i are doing a great job keeping it all in one piece.
we are oh-so-well settled in our little private space over at keith's place. there is no talk whatsoever of me leaving. the wedding is still on although this time it will not be the church wedding we are planning to have. keith is between jobs right now. my poor baby. money is kinda tight. we don't want to ask anyone for a loan or for any favors. so we've decided to keep it at its utmost simplicity. a civil wedding will do just fine. honestly, i find it all so anti-climactic. after all the brouhaha... *sigh* what else is there left for us but to just get married and move on to better things?
things are pretty well between me and my mom. my dad's still holding a grudge and maybe all of my family are. but i could hardly care. i am too busy and tired to fight with them tooth and nail over the inevitable. i will marry keith.
either way, whatever happens... i will be with keith. that's all that matters.
happy 31st monthsary, baby.
we are oh-so-well settled in our little private space over at keith's place. there is no talk whatsoever of me leaving. the wedding is still on although this time it will not be the church wedding we are planning to have. keith is between jobs right now. my poor baby. money is kinda tight. we don't want to ask anyone for a loan or for any favors. so we've decided to keep it at its utmost simplicity. a civil wedding will do just fine. honestly, i find it all so anti-climactic. after all the brouhaha... *sigh* what else is there left for us but to just get married and move on to better things?
things are pretty well between me and my mom. my dad's still holding a grudge and maybe all of my family are. but i could hardly care. i am too busy and tired to fight with them tooth and nail over the inevitable. i will marry keith.
either way, whatever happens... i will be with keith. that's all that matters.
happy 31st monthsary, baby.
happy new year...
the new year was ushered in with tears in my eyes...another disastrous, humiliating phone call with my mom.
she finally said it. she told me in not so many words, that they don't want me to get married yet. "hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." those words just killed me.
i asked her what help they need. hindi naman nya masabi. gusto ba nila na padalhan ko sila ng pera regularly? ano ba gusto nila? bahala na daw ako. ang sa kanila lang daw eh pag nag-asawa na ako, hindi na sila makakalapit sa 'kin pag nangangailangan sila. kasi may asawa na 'ko at lahat ay dapat kong isangguni sa asawa ko.
i defended my side and keith's side. keith has agreed to let me keep my own money. i told them that although i ask for keith's opinion or suggestions, i still go by what i think and feel is right. hindi naman ako boba para magpa-domina sa boyfriend ko o sa mapapangasawa ko. at alam ni keith yan. ilang beses nya bang sinabi na ako ang kontra-bulate sa buhay nya?
but my mom just won't hear none of it. she just kept saying over and over again :"hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." ok lang naman daw kung magpapakasal ako, hindi naman daw sila tutol kay keith pero yun nga lang daw..."hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad."
i argued with her with my future in-laws within earshot. i eventually just gave up and told her that if they don't want me to get married, then i won't. i'll move out of keith's house and wait for the time when they will be ready for me to get married. bigla naman syang kabig. ituloy daw namin ang kasal kasi nakakahiya daw sa magulang ni keith. mas lalo lang daw silang malalagay sa alanganin.
*sigh*. happy new year.
she finally said it. she told me in not so many words, that they don't want me to get married yet. "hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." those words just killed me.
i asked her what help they need. hindi naman nya masabi. gusto ba nila na padalhan ko sila ng pera regularly? ano ba gusto nila? bahala na daw ako. ang sa kanila lang daw eh pag nag-asawa na ako, hindi na sila makakalapit sa 'kin pag nangangailangan sila. kasi may asawa na 'ko at lahat ay dapat kong isangguni sa asawa ko.
i defended my side and keith's side. keith has agreed to let me keep my own money. i told them that although i ask for keith's opinion or suggestions, i still go by what i think and feel is right. hindi naman ako boba para magpa-domina sa boyfriend ko o sa mapapangasawa ko. at alam ni keith yan. ilang beses nya bang sinabi na ako ang kontra-bulate sa buhay nya?
but my mom just won't hear none of it. she just kept saying over and over again :"hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad." ok lang naman daw kung magpapakasal ako, hindi naman daw sila tutol kay keith pero yun nga lang daw..."hindi ka pa nakakatulong sa amin eh mag-aasawa ka na agad."
i argued with her with my future in-laws within earshot. i eventually just gave up and told her that if they don't want me to get married, then i won't. i'll move out of keith's house and wait for the time when they will be ready for me to get married. bigla naman syang kabig. ituloy daw namin ang kasal kasi nakakahiya daw sa magulang ni keith. mas lalo lang daw silang malalagay sa alanganin.
*sigh*. happy new year.
not so very merry christmas
it's been a month since i last blogged. christmas has come and gone. new year is just a few days away... keith has started on his new job. he's enjoying it. i'm so happy for him.
we're still on for the wedding. yes, still pushing thru despite my family's annoyance, especially my mom's. i have realized three weeks ago, thru another horrific phone call with my mom, that they are against the impending marriage. why? i have no idea. it could be because they think i'm still too young. or maybe because they're scared. fear makes people say and do the stupidest things. we got into a fight about the invitations which have not been sent out and will not be sent out till a month before the wedding. and that is still 7 months away.
she wanted me to invite my father's relatives. the same people who mocked my family. the same people who talked behind my back. the very people who looked down on me and my family and called us names. the people who threatened to shoot my soon-to-be husband if he doesn't "shape up". i put my foot down and refused her request.
she told me she won't go then. she said i should be grateful because these people took me in; that i should forget the past and bury whatever cruel things they said and did. she said that it would be an embarrassment to her and my dad if they are the only ones to go to my wedding; it would be just an invitation, a "socially correct" gesture. pabalat-bunga lang. she even went on to say something to the effect of " you share their last name and it's important that they are also there."
well, i don't go for that crap. if i don't like someone, i don't like him. i won't go out of my way to perform a "socially correct" gesture to people i do not like. if the occasion calls for it, i could be civil towards them. but that occasion shouldn't be my wedding. i explained to her that the number of guests are at a minimum. it's because we are on a budget and that we want a small, intimate affair. only the people absolutely close to us would be there. i told her that my last name should not be an issue. if they want their last name back, then they could have it. besides, my last name will soon be changed.
she got nasty and said that if that's how i look at things then she would go to the nearest civil registry and have it changed to the "original" name i have. that did it. that just broke me. she keeps on saying that i should forget about my being adopted but then here she is, slapping it in front of my face during an argument i feel we shouldn't even be having.
fine. let's invite those good-for-nothing bastard and bitches. after all, i'm sure they will have the decency not to go. yah, right. i cried and cried the whole day. i sobered up just before going home. i don't want keith to know i've been crying the whole day. besides, i have to break the news to him about some uninvited guests being invited and i want to be able to say it right. on our way home, i broke down and told him the call i had with my mom. he hugged me and said " if they have to be invited, then we'll invite them. i'll be civil with them. you'll be civil with them. that's it."
i have to hand it to keith. everything seems so easy for him. everything is "ok, fine, let's get it on." he spoke with my mom the other day to greet them a merry christmas. i don't have the courage to speak with them yet. the last phone call was too much for me i guess. keith told her that i have a bad case of sore throat and cold which is very much true. at some point during their talk, keith called me to his side. i saw tears burning in his eyes. he mouthed the words "i love you" and hugged me close. i must have looked quizzical because he then pulled up his phone, opened it to write me a message, and wrote this down in between short answers to my mom: " your mom is ranting about the invitations. she is not happy about the wedding."
i hugged him back.
keith asked me if i was happy this christmas. i told him i was. i could be happier, really... but then again i got a few gifts from his family, my family is safe in bacolod, keith and i both have jobs and are safe and healthy, i have friends who love and care for me and showered me with gifts this holiday season (unlike some people i know who hardly got any!)...i have keith. i'm thankful... and happy... for all that.
we're still on for the wedding. yes, still pushing thru despite my family's annoyance, especially my mom's. i have realized three weeks ago, thru another horrific phone call with my mom, that they are against the impending marriage. why? i have no idea. it could be because they think i'm still too young. or maybe because they're scared. fear makes people say and do the stupidest things. we got into a fight about the invitations which have not been sent out and will not be sent out till a month before the wedding. and that is still 7 months away.
she wanted me to invite my father's relatives. the same people who mocked my family. the same people who talked behind my back. the very people who looked down on me and my family and called us names. the people who threatened to shoot my soon-to-be husband if he doesn't "shape up". i put my foot down and refused her request.
she told me she won't go then. she said i should be grateful because these people took me in; that i should forget the past and bury whatever cruel things they said and did. she said that it would be an embarrassment to her and my dad if they are the only ones to go to my wedding; it would be just an invitation, a "socially correct" gesture. pabalat-bunga lang. she even went on to say something to the effect of " you share their last name and it's important that they are also there."
well, i don't go for that crap. if i don't like someone, i don't like him. i won't go out of my way to perform a "socially correct" gesture to people i do not like. if the occasion calls for it, i could be civil towards them. but that occasion shouldn't be my wedding. i explained to her that the number of guests are at a minimum. it's because we are on a budget and that we want a small, intimate affair. only the people absolutely close to us would be there. i told her that my last name should not be an issue. if they want their last name back, then they could have it. besides, my last name will soon be changed.
she got nasty and said that if that's how i look at things then she would go to the nearest civil registry and have it changed to the "original" name i have. that did it. that just broke me. she keeps on saying that i should forget about my being adopted but then here she is, slapping it in front of my face during an argument i feel we shouldn't even be having.
fine. let's invite those good-for-nothing bastard and bitches. after all, i'm sure they will have the decency not to go. yah, right. i cried and cried the whole day. i sobered up just before going home. i don't want keith to know i've been crying the whole day. besides, i have to break the news to him about some uninvited guests being invited and i want to be able to say it right. on our way home, i broke down and told him the call i had with my mom. he hugged me and said " if they have to be invited, then we'll invite them. i'll be civil with them. you'll be civil with them. that's it."
i have to hand it to keith. everything seems so easy for him. everything is "ok, fine, let's get it on." he spoke with my mom the other day to greet them a merry christmas. i don't have the courage to speak with them yet. the last phone call was too much for me i guess. keith told her that i have a bad case of sore throat and cold which is very much true. at some point during their talk, keith called me to his side. i saw tears burning in his eyes. he mouthed the words "i love you" and hugged me close. i must have looked quizzical because he then pulled up his phone, opened it to write me a message, and wrote this down in between short answers to my mom: " your mom is ranting about the invitations. she is not happy about the wedding."
i hugged him back.
keith asked me if i was happy this christmas. i told him i was. i could be happier, really... but then again i got a few gifts from his family, my family is safe in bacolod, keith and i both have jobs and are safe and healthy, i have friends who love and care for me and showered me with gifts this holiday season (unlike some people i know who hardly got any!)...i have keith. i'm thankful... and happy... for all that.
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