i find myself visiting friendster less and less these days. i plain hate it sometimes. and it's all because of you. yes... you. you, of all people. but then again, why not you? i don't think i care about anyone else as much as i care about you.

i envy them, your friends and your so-called friends. buti pa sila. you could write them glowing testimonials. you go out of your way to tell them how good they are, how happy you are to be with them... how it is such a pleasure knowing them, being in their company. pero sa akin, may nasabi ka ba? wala. have you ever told me how intelligent i am? how nice i could be when i want to? or how about how strong i could be when the situation calls for it?

WALA. lagi na lang WALA. pakiramdam ko, lagi na lang ako huli sa buhay mo. pamilya mo, kaibigan mo, trabaho mo, ako. minsan, pakiramdam ko, pampalipas-oras na lang ako para sa'yo. someone to make you laugh, someone to boost your ego, someone to take care of you when no one else is, someone to keep you warm at nights...

yeah. you tell me i'm beautiful. but, funny as this may sound, i know that already. hindi mo naman ako papatulan kung pangit ako di ba? i may not be as glamorous or attractive as your other friends, but i do look ok. hindi naman kahiya-hiya ang hitsura ko sa lipunan di ba?

i could go on and on about this issue but i won't. i refuse to be sad now, the same way i refuse to be bitter. i have a lot of things going for me and the last thing i need is someone who claims to love me so much but can't be bothered to say one good thing about me. i don't need someone who does not see or maybe, refuses to see, my value. affirmation goes a long, long way. some things may go without saying, but most of the time, one kind word will do the trick.

someday... someone just might beat you right to it.

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P.S. to YOU... yes, YOU... just in case you happen to read this post. i just want to make it clear: hindi ako nagrereklamo. hindi ako naghahanap. and i'm definitely NOT nagging you. this is my blog and i am merely voicing out my hurts. you cannot help who and what you are. kung ganito ka talaga magmahal o kung hanggang dito lang ang kaya mo... okay lang. hindi kita paghahanapan ng iba.

mahal kita... at mamahalin kita hangga't kaya ko sa tanging paraang alam ko.

grooove to a different mooove

started work with a new company last monday, october 17. now isn't that a nice coincidence? 17 happens to be one of my favorite numbers. i won a lunch bag that day. i was dressed real nice. damn! i look good. =D not as pretty as those other girls but definitely better.

i'm looking forward to more of work. i have plans of becoming a performance coach or maybe a trainer. i'm going to pursue my dreams of being certified in spanish. i'm intent on saving money just for the heck of it and also, to help me when chin and i would build ashira's world. i'm going to pay off my debts as soon as i start receiving my pay regularly. i'm also redoing my wardrobe. chin said i need more pizazz. yah. i need some P on my sass. hehheheeeh. so i gave my old tank tops away, kept the ones i can't live without. i'll be buying blouses from now on. i have to anyway. we have a dress code in the office to follow.

i'm holding court at Middle Earth for now. with Darth of course. we're doing well. having fun with each other, enjoying each other's company, wallowing in some good, imperfectly perfect love. pain is a thing of the past but the lessons are remembered. Weekends are spent with chin and cokie at Olympus. conversations with pims are few and far between but full of affection and common sense. i take everything one day at a time. i only have one goal: settle down. with myself. make peace with everything and everyone. no need to pick up the pieces. i am reinventing myself. i'm moving to a different groove now.

it feels good to be able to say this once again: life is good.

Funny, but I've just realized that this song has been playing in the background as my life came undone, unfolded and rearranged itself.

White Flag
-Dido-

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet Which I'm sure we will
All that was there Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be...

One Step Forward

This is a song that Cokie introduced to me. It's by her, or rather, our favorite group, Hi5.

One Step Forward
-Hi5-

Don't be afraid to try something new
Don't stop yourself from being 'you'
If you can't do it this way,then try another way and keep on saying 'I can do'
Dare yourself to jump up high,take your feet off the
ground,and reach for the sky....

(Take) one step forward,don't look back
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help, then I'm here for you
keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through

Whatever's in your wildest dream
Whatever's in your heart of hearts
Let yourself dream it,let yourself try it
There's no way of stopping you
Just keep on saying 'I can do it'
and watch your dreams come true

Just keep on trying and you'll get through

I can do this,I can do that
Just watch me and see
I can do lots and lots and lots of things
more than I ever believed (2x)

(Take) one step forward,don't look back
It won't take long till you're on that track
If you need a little help, then I'm here for you
keep on trying and you'll get through
Just keep on trying and you'll get through

Just keep on trying and you'll get through

I love you Cokie...*hugs*