things are looking up.

i am battling with my habitual tardiness and i am pleased to see that i am on the winning side. i have finally cornered DK and made him choose which way we would go with the birth control issue. i have taken baby steps to lose weight and i am slowly getting my finances in order.

it feels great to know that you are in control of your life.

"with a smile..."

"lift your head, baby don't be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way... we'll get by with a smile. you can't win at everything but you can try...

i used to sing this song to myself during highschool over and over again each time depression defeats me. hearing it recently brought back memories: good ones, bad ones, funny ones, tearful ones. it made me come to realize that i have come a long way. despite my fears of not ever going anywhere, of not having goals for myself, of not being able to cure my chronic irks and habits... i have come a long way from that girl who used to cry herself to sleep.

the girl who liked to keep to herself and her books, with her ugly teeth and uglier hair has grown to be a mature, sensual, attractive young woman. i look at the mirror and stare at her eyes.inspite of the fears and liabilities and failures she stares back at me with a confident gleam on her eyes and a self-assured smile on the full lips she used to hate.

yes... i have come a long way indeed.

"but don't let it bring you down and turn your face into a frown, we'll get along with a li'l prayer and a song... lift your head. baby don't be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way. we'll get by with a smile, now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye..."

in a snitch

wow.xbox has a date with her beau tonight. neat...she deserves a break from all the hassles at work. me... i'm just gonna stay at home and contemplate on this hellish week.

i was late again monday night. as if that wasn't enough, i was late again last night. boy! am i really gonna get it this time. i am just waiting for the axe to fall. the sooner the better. the anxiety is killing me.

and i am disappointed. sorely disappointed with myself.

time and again i have tried. and failed. i just don't know what do about this chronic problem i have. i have tried setting the alarm clock an hour before i should wake up. i have limited my shower time to down ten minutes. i think about what i'm going to wear for my next shift before i sleep. i have given up eating dinner. i have started taking the blasted train.*sigh* i just don't know why it's not working...

i haven't tried switching jobs yet. could this be the solution to my gnawing predicament? hmmm... i wonder....

at a standstill...

i am still smitten with dao ming si... and DK remains at the top of my-not-so-favorite-people list.

he has been so attentive these days as he always is when i am irritated with him. he keeps calling me and asking me how i am doing and he never forgets to say "i love you". these only serve to annoy me all the more.

what is more frustrating to note is the fact that i don't know how to get across this bridge that i find myself in. i want to explain myself to him, to let him know what i feel and why i got mad... but i just don't know how or when to start. though i am adept at expressing my opinion, i am a very inarticulate with my emotions. it's something i am not in the habit of doing.

so here i am, comtemplating whether to spend the day with him or not. twiddling my thumbs, thinking of how i could get across my true meaning to an unfeeling clout i happen to love with all my heart.

that last thought is the most unsettling of all. i love him and there is no getting around or running away from it...

one Dao Ming Si for take home pls!!!

oo. alam ko. ang jologs ko. eh ano ngayon?! hindi lang naman ako ang patay na patay sa kanya ah. ako at sanlaksang pinoy, chinoy, intsik,malay... buong kababaihan ng asya naaning sa kanya noh... kaya ano ngayon kung i krass him??? ang cute nya kasi. at mayaman pa. alam ko na sa mundo lang sya ng puting tabing nabubuhay, binibigyang-buhay ni jerry yan ng chakang boy band (mga lalaki nga ba sila???) na F4. pero wala akong pakialam... siya ang dream boy ko!!! =D

may pagka-brusko sya. arogante at kadalasan eh masungit. pero lalaking-lalaki ang tikas at tindig nya. talagang alam mong ipagtatanggol ka kung sakaling may umagrabyado sa'yo. may paninindigan sya at hindi sya nahihiya na ipakita at aminin ang tunay nyang nararamdaman. hindi sya agad sumusuko. higit sa lahat, pinahahalagahan nya ang babaing pinakamamahal nya. at may fashion sense sya!

hay!!!kung si dj alvaro type ang lalaking maginoo pero medyo bastos... ako type ko yung brusko't nambubugbog... ng halik!!!

ang cute-cute nya talaga. sobrang ganda ng hair nya! (ehem.. ehem...) mayaman sya ha pero di sya kuripot. akalain mong bigyan nya ng kung anu-ano ito'ng engot na shancai na 'to. ipinasyal nya sa kung saan-saang lugar. super-kakakilig talaga sya!!! at eto pa nakaka-tumbling sa lahat ng 'yan... virgin pa sya. o ang taray di ba??! kasi sabi nya gusto nya makipag-make love lang sa babaing mahal nya. o da ba?! hindi pa sya manyak tulad ng ibang lalaki dyan (ehem! ehem!)... talagang malinis ang kanyang intensyon kay eng-eng na shancai...

sayang at hanggang panaginip lang sya. i bet na wala na talagang lalaki na tulad ni Dao Ming Si sa totoong buhay. kung meron man eh malamang na taken na sya or worse... bading sya.

ang sarap sigurong makatagpo ng tulad nya. yung tulad nya'ng tatayo sa harap mo at sasabihing "i will not be able to go on without you";yung hindi mahihiyang tumingin ng diretso sa mga mata mo at sabihing "mahal kita.mahal na mahal kita." isang lalaki na mamahalin ka ng higit sa lahat at higit kanino man, ipagtatanggol ka sa kahit na sino maski sa magulang nya; yung papangaralan at pangangalagaan ka. ang sarap sigurong mahalin ng isang tulad nya. nakakapanghinayang talaga kasi hanggang panaginip na lang sya...

"all i ask of you..."

what started out as a great weekend last friday turned into a nightmare sunday morning... DK and i got into another one of our "cold wars". i couldn't help myself. my, uhmmm... annoyance has been building since he showed up at eleven p.m. on my doorstep friday night. he came over early friday morning to drop his things. he told me he still had to go to school and will come back at around 8 at night. so come 8, i was waiting for him. i decided to to hold up dinner till he come home so we could eat together. so saw one film after another till he finally showed up at eleven, reeking of alcohol.grrrrr... i wanted to wring his bloody insensitive neck but decided against it thinking that his sleeping over rarely happens. why ruin it?

saturday came over and i was in high enough spirits to come go to work that night. spending the night in your lover's arms certainly does wonders to one's bodily humors...*wink*. so off i went to work. the next morning, sunday, i finally came face to face with the realization that i have a very insensitive pig for a boyfriend...

i came home sunday morning to see him watching Harry Potter. i asked him to buy us some breakfast. i was dead tired and hungry. i also had to drink my medicine. so i sat there and waited for him to move his ass... and i waited some more... and waited till i almost knocked my sleepy ass off my chair... i looked at him and he is engrossed as ever at the stupid movie... so i waited some more till the time came for me to drink my medication... i glanced at him and he was just lying there on the couch, watching a dumb film, not paying me the slightest attention. so i drank my 800mg antibiotic with an empty stomach and an emptier heart. my eyes clouded over the image of him scratching his ass, eyes glued to the T.V. i held back my tears and went upstairs to cry in my room...

he came to his senses and kept saying he's sorry. he didn't mean to be such a jerk and all...well, his apologies were all well and good but it doesn't cut ice from where i sit. nothing can change the horrid fact that he ignored me, a very sick me. Harry Potter got a lot more attention from him. maybe he could try get Harry Potter the next time he feels the urge for some lovin'. i can't believe that he could casually dismiss me like that... it was irritating, frustrating... painful...

it hurts because i have never treated him with the same disregard. i have gone out of my way each time he needed me. i don't ask him to return the favor. i just want to be loved and cared for by the person i love most...sometimes, i feel that is too much to ask...

this thing called love

in the 12 months that i have been with DK, i discovered that a relationship's life hangs by the amount of patience and consideration lover's are willing to give it. no relationship is perfect because nobody is perfect. the success of a couple's togetherness would depend on how much they are willing to give of themselves to achieve that success. after seeing my paramour spit on the street like he could care less (and he really could hardly care), scratch his ass, and pick his nose, i would have to say that i definitely have given much to the success of our affair. i have put up with his ex and his often-times deplorable fashion sense. i have taken cared of him when he was so inebriated he hardly knew his name and i have been patient as a saint when he was doing his best imitation of a sick bear. if this isn't love, then i don't know what is...

love can be so funny somtimes. it can make anything and everything ok; love can just change the way you look at a person, at things going around you; it can move you to do things you wouldn't normally do and to come up with ideas you would never have thought...i find it amazing and weird all at the same time how this thing called love affect us so. of all emotions felt by human beings, i think its love that moves us to greatness. not anger or sorrow but passion... a burning desire creates within us the need to be...

i find it also equally funny that the emotion that raises us to greatness is the same emotion that weakens most of the members of our race...

the first is always the beginning...

july 7 i celebrated my first year anniversary with DK. i have reached a milestone... =D... and all of my friends agree. most of them could hardly believe i was able to be attached to a person this long and not grow bored with him. yep... definitely a milestone.

last week has been all fun and i certainly don't want any rain on my parade but i noticed something sunday night as i was having dinner with my beloved beau. i was getting more and more anxious about his casual treatment on the matter of birth control and why i had to raise this specific issue during dinner i don't know. but i had already blurted it out so... he merely looked at me, shrugged, then tried to shift my attention to the sandwich he was chowing down. his apparent lack of interest on how we should take on contraception is alarming. i know i said once that i would love to have his kid... but i didn't mean now.

why is it that men always seem to rely on the women to take care of contraception? it's irritating how they would blab about not wanting to have a child now then have "unsafe sex" minutes later. contraception should be a couple's responsibility. not just the woman's.

sometimes i find myself wishing i had never given in to my wants despite the fact that i have absolutely no regrets. though nothing could compare to the pleasure that i find in his lovemaking i should have been content with doing everything but the girl. but i have been too weak to deny the call of the flesh. no matter how i wish it, we can no longer go back to just holding hands...

the big O

my college theology prof once said to us that sex is the highest form of expression of love.

i thought it was all baloney.

sex is sex. men, women, homosexuals, and bisexuals do it all the time at all places in all positions. birth control is a commercial trade the same way sex is a trade. porn movies can hardly be called romantic. so how can something so common and banal be the supreme expression of affection?

when you become so enamored to another being that you live and breathe him.; when you want to be with him every hour of every day; when you feel for him so much it hurts; when you succumb to the maddening feeling and give youself up for his pleasure... sex is no longer just sex.

lovers start with a kiss, then a hug, then they begin a most wonderful, amorous exploration of each other's being.. they start the mating dance... and at the end, when the apex has been reached... they stare into each other's eyes and steal a glance at eternity... for one brief moment, they discover why lust and love are almost synonymous...
"with thy body, i thee worship..."