kung ako ay libre...

eto ang nabungaran ko sa dyaryong libre kanina...

scorpio: tumakbo ka man... hindi ka na nya hahabulin.
aquarius: hanggang tingin ka na lang... hindi na sya mapapasaiyo.

so! hindi talaga pu-pwede. hindi ko na ipipilit at baka dumugo pa. mahirap ang pinupwersa ang mga bagay-bagay eh. may sasakit at sasakit, may masasaktan at masasaktan. kaya pala hindi mo na ko kinikibo... nahihiya ka ba sa mga pinagsasasabi mo nung mga nakaraang araw? hah! dapat lang noh... although i was definitely flattered i was not the least bit happy with what you want me to be in your life... fubu... fuck-buddy... oh, wag mo na i-deny. yun din naman ang labas ko eh kung pumayag ako sa gusto mo... hay! pero i was so tempted... ang cute mo kasi eh...

ngunit nanaig ang dakila kong pagmamahal para sa aking sinisinta... hay! kung di ko lang sya talaga mahal... kung libre lang ako eh wala sanang problema... kaya ngayon eh dinedema mo na ko... kasi hanggang tingin ka na lang dahil hindi ako mapapasaiyo...

at ako?

singtulin man ng mrt ang takbo ko... keber na habulin mo ko...

boys will be boys

bakit ka ganyan?! kulang pa ba ang binigay kong pagmamahal, kalinga at atensyon para pagsalitaan mo ko ng ganyan? kulang pa ba lahat ng sakripisyo, ng sama ng loob? kulang pa ba ang pag-ibig na binibigay ko sa'yo para isipin mong iiwan kita at sasama ko sa iba? mukha ba kong pokpok para isipin mong konting kalabit lang ng lalaki eh bibigay ako? kung pokpok ako eh gasgas na sana ko nung nakuha mo ko... pero alam mong ikaw lang. ikaw lang ang mahal ko... at hindi kita iiwan ng paganun-ganun lang....

isa ka pa... sumasabay ka sa boypren kong isa't kalahating engot!... feeling mo ba eh bibigay ako sa paanyaya mo? sorry. casual sex has never been my thing. oo, brutal ako magsalita. i'm loud but i know my limits. i'm sorry but i have never given myself for free. not even to someone with such a pretty face as yours. sayang ka talaga... laki ng panghihinayang ko sa'yo... crush kita eh. i guess, looks really do deceive...

ang boypren kong mahal insecure... ikaw naman sobrang secure! hay! bakit ba kayong mga lalake eh ganyan?! at kami pang mga babae sinasabihan n'yong mahirap ispelengin ha!*sigh*

taguan

sige... laro tayo... ikaw, ako at ang "friend" mo... taguan tayo... ang mahuli, syempre, taya... unahan kayong mahuli ako. yan, eh kung papahuli nga ako...

sige... landian tayo... ikaw at ako lang... kasi wala kamo "friend" mo eh... madali naman ako kausap. harutin mo ko, tingnan mo kung harutin kita... tingnan mo kung patulan kita...

bilib din talaga ko sa'yo... lakas ng appeal mo, promise!... kaya, sige... laro tayo...tingnan natin kung magkahulihan tayo ng loob. tandaan mo lang na walang pikunan 'to. tandaan mo lang na may boyfriend ako...

type mo din ako?! o, kala ko ba eh "friend" mo lang ang may gusto sa'kin? bakit ngayon eh nakiki-ride ka?

ahh.. kasi wala sya...okay... sex? ano kamo? ah... yan ba ang gusto mo?hmmmm...cute ka... type kita...

sige... pag-iisipan ko...

all apologies

i didn't mean for you to read his text message. i didn't mean to keep this from you. it's just that i know you will take this the wrong way... so what's the point of telling you? either way you'll be mad. just like you are right now...

you embarrassed me twice now. all because some guy told me he and his friend are attracted to me sexually. that is not my fault . i know i am not beautiful and i am not sexy. so don't blame me if they see me as a "sexual goddess" despite my dark skin, plain face, and bloated body. i didn't ask him to IM me and tell me all sorts of things about him and his friend. i didn't want any of this and didn't mean for this to happen...

i truly am sorry.

i'm sorry if i keep on thinking that i'm not your priority. i'm sorry i'm demanding. i'm sorry i keep begging for your attention and time. i'm sorry i kept this from you. i'm sorry i made you mad...

i'm sorry i can't stop myself from texting him back. i'm sorry i kept replying to his IM. i'm sorry i'm flattered by his attentions. i'm sorry i'm thrilled by his words. i'm sorry for thinking about him all the time. i'm sorry i like him... i'm sorry i never told him about you...

i'm so very sorry...

Introducing: Taltos

nakakagulat ka. hindi ko alam na ganyan ka pala... makulit, nakakatuwa, nasa loob ang kulo. hay! nabuhay na namang magmuli ang paghanga ko sa'yo. and cute-cute mo talaga! dati pa crush na kita kaya lang may girlfriend ka nun eh... tsaka may boyfriend ako. ngayon, libreng-libre ka na. wala na kayo eh. pero kami pa rin ni boyfriend, stronger than ever.

ano?! sexually attracted ang "friend" mo sa kin?hus! baka ikaw lang yon!... ahahhaahha...apollo ba kamo ang pangalan nya? talaga lang ha... ako naman si venus... ahahahahahaha...

tuwang-tuwa ako makipag-usap sa'yo. nakakakilig... crush kasi kita eh. pihadong manlalaki butas ng ilong ng boyfriend ko sa galit pag nalaman n'ya 'to pero ala ko pakialam. bakit? di na ba ako pwede magka-crush??? crush lang naman eh. tsaka hindi naman ako ang tipo mo di ba? yung "friend" mo lang ang may gusto sa 'kin.

ha?!ano number ko? pinatatanong ng friend mo kung open-minded ako sa sex?! aba... iba na 'ata ito ah. oo. open-minded ako sa sex. pag-uusapan lang naman pala eh. at eto nga pala number ko. textmates? oo, bah! textmates lang naman pala eh...

uuwi ka na? sige... kita-kits na lang ha.

hay! ang cute mo talaga! u make me so kilig!!!

big girls don't cry

i hate going to hospitals. i hate going to clinics. i hate having to see a doctor, especially a dentist. i hate sitting on a cold chair, talking with a complete stranger about whatever problems you are having. that's why i want someone with me. i want you with me.

you are my strength, my refuge. despite that little voice in my head saying "c'mon ice, you can do this. you're tough. you don't need him.", i still would ask you each time i have an appointment with the doctor to come with me. out of the ten times i asked you, you refused 6 times.

that hurt.

and now, i am going to find myself once again walking by myself towards my doctor's clinic, saying to myself "it's ok. everything is going to be all right." i'll clasp my hands together because yours won't be there for me to reach and cling to. i'd sigh and wish it was you who was comforting me and not myself.

i'm tough and i'd be able to go thru this alone. i've been thru meaner, scarier situations alone and have survived. but sometimes... sometimes i wish there was someone with me to hold my hand and say " don't worry. it's gonna be all right. "

the cost of love

trish, xbox, pie, biba and i were happily chatting our working hours away, discussing everything from the latest office rumors to the mundane details of everyday survival. the importance of regular visits to an ob-gyne came up and it is at this time that trish suddenly said that the cost of love is too high for us women...

this made me stop and think: is it really?

love, of course, is invaluable. therefore, one cannot simply put a price on it and sell it off (although, i've always heard of stories such as these...). But when you think about the time, the money, the gifts...doesn't all those add up to the cost of loving someone? you stand there naked, giving everything that you could:your life, your money, your heart, your body, your everything... all in the name of love.

these thoughts made me realize that i am so very much different from the person i was before i feel into the romantic abyss. the way i act and dress are still the same. i am still me but not quite... some of my views regarding certain issues have changed and i have come to learn the meaning of "compromise".

jLo said love don't cost a thing. he certainly wouldn't have to keep me iced and i wouldn't spend his cash. i don't certainly want to drive his benz and i don't need a floss. even if he's broke, i'd still love him... and that is going to cost me.

roughly a year and a half ago, on my first day of training for the company i'm currently working for, i felt this sudden urge to go online and chat. i used to be a chat addict. i was driven to meet people online, hoping that one of them would be him.

but after my half-baked relationship with nhell, i totally lost my taste for romance. i once again became this cynical bitch who thought that love and hearts are only great for selling hallmark cards. then that night, april 29th... i met this guy online. his nickname caught my attention: keith_is_cute.

the rest is history....

bakit ba may mga tao na 'pag nag-away sila ng dyowa nya eh sa iba ibinubunton? tulad nitong ka-opisina ko. broken-hearted daw sya eh. well, mukha naman. but not because she's broken-hearted means she should break other people's hearts as well!

lahat ng tao pinuna nya. sinabihan nya ng mali ang ganito sa ginawa, dapat ganun ang sinabi mo. sobrang subsob sya sa trabaho. she is drowning herself with work in the hopes that this will distract her from what she is missing with all her heart, her "sweetie".

yuck!

i am not perfect. neither is she. i guess it's only normal that when you feel bad you want to take it out on the next person. i have matured enough to know that this should not be so. her being a force to reckon with in our team should know that as well. she is handling a group of adults, not children.

hay naku!*sigh*... bahala na sya sa buhay nya. matanda na sya eh. at ako eh medyo may edad na rin... so since i'm more in a position to understand... ok. i'll understand her.

on the condition that i will never come to her for anything ever again.

hmp!

bati na kami ni DK... but i am far from feeling well. it's not because i'm harboring any ill-feelings for him still but rather, i've been hit with a couple of toxic stuff lately. i was suffering from a bad case of LBM when i found out that P broke up with her boyfriend of ten years... she was crying all over the office... ='(... and then i had to take two days off at work 'cause i busted my throat real bad...

so DK, being the sweet boyfriend that he is, stayed over my place to play nurse...but despite that i still feel bad because my throat hurts and i feel for P...

on a positive note though, i have finished up the modifications on our team blog. i am just so good at this!

nag-away kami ni DK kagabi...

sya kasi eh... parang ala na syang gana kausapin ako. yun bang kausap mo sya pero ala syang "amor" na magkwento. ewan ko ba kung dala lang 'to ng hormonal imbalance ko o ano... pero hindi sya dating ganito...i feel taken for granted. he is secure with the knowledge that no matter what happens, i'll always be there for him. the question is not if i'll jump when he says "jump" but how high i'll jump when he says so. sadly, i do not have the same luxury. i cannot take him for granted becuase i know that i could lose him at any moment. call me paranoid or whatever but that's how much i value him and his presence in my life. kahit sanlaksang "i love you" pa ang sabihin nya... kahit ilang beses nya ulitin na hindi nya ko iiwan... pwedeng bukas magbago ang ihip ng hangin... baka bukas hindi na nya ko mahal... baka bukas, kunin na sya ng tadhana sa kin...

bakit ganon ang mga lalake? sa umpisa sobrang caring, attentive... pero pag matagal na kayo parang it all becomes a routine. my friends say this is only normal, a phase all couples go thru, that the solution is up to the couple. a relationship is a mutual commitment. people who are in a relationship work together to solve their problems, to keep the ball rolling... to keep the flames alive. in a perfect world, this may all be true.

hindi perpekto ang mundo kaya hind rin perpekto ang mga tao. kaya wala ring perpektong relasyon.... kaya rin ba ganun ang mga lalaki at ganito ang mga babae?...siguro...

sana tumawag na sya... i miss him na eh...*sigh*

life is just so full of possibilities. therefore, each day we face limitless options.

should i go to work or not? should i take a shower or not? should i do this or not?.... choices, choices, choices... life is one grand mall where we move about, brush against each other while we are shopping for choices.

i've been thinking about switching jobs. should i make the move or no?... i didn't really want to be in the career i am now, but for some reason.. maybe, by force of habit... i have come to accept the kind of work that i have. i'm not happy with it but to some extent, i am contented with what i'm doing for a living.

lately, that doesn't seem to be enough.*sigh*

x marks the spot...

i already had a feeling that i'm gonna see someone i don't wanna see on my to DK's school. and see her i did, while i was watching my beloved wolf down his share of our lasagna, she walked past us... looking at rows upon rows of pastries and desserts...

TINA. DK"s ex. ugh... thank goodness i was already done with my dinner. i would have lost all appetite at the sight of her...

i am not bitter. nope. i am mad... because she has this sickening ability of making me feel second-rate... that i am second-best... and looking at her, walking pretty as you please down the aisle towards the counter i noticed that she's thin. so thin. a lot thinner than i saw her last. great. now i feel not only second-rate, i feel fat and bloated and sooooooo sick of her...

i finally made a vow, as i saw her go out of the restaurant, that i am going to diet and exercise till i am, god-willing, the sexiest woman to ever walk this darn planet!hah!

nemo once asked me asked me if i'll be ever over TINA. yes, i will i said to her... when she's six feet under.

and NO i am not bitter.

cute mouse clock

i have casperbooh13 of blogskins to thank for the cute, little mousy thing. it kinda makes you feel dizzy 'cause there's that thing on the outside that goes round and round... but it's cool altogether... thanks casperbooh!!!

no. this new template is not it but i'm sticking with this one on the basis that the less complicated, the better. if i hadn't gotten attached to this darn image, then i would have gotten the perfect skin for this blog. i don't think i would even have changed the way this blog looked like if i haven't grown attached to this picture.

anyway... the less time i have to edit my blog template, the more time i have to write on my blog. what's the use of a perfect-looking blogsite if it doesn't have any content on it, right?...

*sigh*. so i'm sticking with this one... for now.

still under construction... =(

i know i don't have much of a following but for the few friends who are religiously visiting my blog, i apologize for the inconvenience. i have tried my hand at dreamweaver and failed. albeit, not miserabley, but i failed just the same...

i am trying a couple of blogskins and hopefully, one will be it.

this is proving to be such a harrowing experience. pretty much like trying to find mr.right in time for christmas so you wouldn't spend the holidays out on the cold...

under construction

my blogsite is undergoing a major over-haul. i am so excited... please visit the soon-to-be eternal child of nocturne blogsite... *_*

Q and A

am i or am i not?... that is the question. should we or shouldn't we? could we or couldn't we?so many questions but the answers are so few so the song goes. but in our case, there are hardly any answers. in fact, there are none.

it's because we're scared. we keep asking questions, looking for signs. but the answers have always been there, staring us at the face. we see them but refuse to recognize them. because we're scared.

we're scared to face the truth, afraid of what the answers will bring. we're frightened by the decisions we have to make once we've come face to face with the awful reality that won't go away.

we are waiting for the sign. holding our breaths for the inevitable. wishing, hoping and praying with all our might that it isn't just around the corner after all...

neo was right. the problem is choice.

we start our day by choosing whether to get up and go to work or spend the day sleeping. we then decide if we are going to stick with the pinstriped suit or the black and white ensemble. then we think about whether we will take the bus or the train. later on we opt to have lunch at the office canteen instead of at mcdonald's. come nighttime, we think about whether we will go out and unwind or go straight home to sleep.

a bigger problem though would be if you can't make a choice. you're stuck, frustrated because you can't make up your mind. you can't move to the next square 'cause you don't know whether you will move to the square on your right or that one on your left.

bottom line: the problem is choice.

deathwish

for more than 3 weeks now i have been experiencing constant headaches brought about by only god knows what... it's a real pain...literally.i've been to my opthalmologist and he said my vision couldn't be more perfect. my neurologist said it's stress and gave me some muscle relaxant. it didn't work. none of the things he gave me worked.

i'm scared...scared that what i wished for so much a couple of years ago, when i was depressed, lonely, and up to my neck in family troubles is about to come true:death

when i am rolling about, vomiting, and nauseous, i remember that time, about 5 or 8 years ago... i was lying on my bed, crying. my parents and sister just had another ugly fight. my mom tried to commit suicide by jumping off our second floor window. i felt so bad i wanted it all to end. i wanted to die. i wished i would die 'cause i thought that if i did, then maybe my family would stop fighting with each other.

i've always told my friends to be careful what they wish for 'cause it just might come true. don't know why i didn't take heed of that advice myself.

i'm scared... scared that my wish is finally coming true.